40 "walk the line"

I sat alone in the woods listening to the creek run. It was hot outside but theCreek gave off a warm gentle breeze that could cool off any hard worker. I wasn't hard working. My father refused to allow me to do a thing. He's said I've messed up too many times to be able to be trusted. He keeps hinting at the fact I caused Tate harm. I never ment him harm... Tate knows that. I wish my father knew that. I'd do anything to make my father love me.  I was alone with my small bare feet in the water for few hours. I watched as my bruised knees glistened with the reflection of the water. I sat with my legs making circles in the warm creek. I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't find a well place to fall asleep. I stayed up listening to the herd moping  around our tents. That wasn't helping my sleeping situation either. I closed my eyes to feel the warm wind. I was trying to heal myself from this burden of life. It didn't seem to be working. All I've been thinking about was jimmy... what he was doing.. how he was doing... I was scared he was alone...I was scared that bimbo left him to suffer alone. Jimmy may have broke my heart but I still loved him. I thought about going to see him for a little while. I would just need the permission to leave. "Taking a bath?" ATwangy sad voice sang. I glanced over my shoulder at walker whom uninvitedly sat beside me. "I guess" I say softly as I looked down at the water. I listened as the guitar he walked over with made a quiet dinging noise as he leaned it against a tree. "You really took that thing camping?" I asked. He chuckled "the only suitable way of playing guitar is around a fire" he grinned. "Oh.. well I guess so" my toes splashed soothingly in the running stream as I wiggled said toes. "Who's your favorite singer?" I asked. He thought for a moment following a hum. "Guess I never thought about that. I guess I just listen to the songs instead of the artist" he began to slip his boots off to follow my lead. "Okay. Then what's your favorite song?" I asked again. He took his bottom lip between his teeth as he thought. "Probably night moves" he said. "Ohh. Bob segar" I say. "Yeah. That one" I watched as walker rolled up his pant leg almost to his knees. "Why that one?" Gently I fiddled with the end of my long blonde hair. "It's just beautiful. Relatable. A song of youth" he gently dipped his feet in following a relaxed sigh. "I see... I couldn't relate to that" my yellow white strip of hair twirled around my finger. "No? Not at all?" He truly seems interested in my thought. "Nah. It sings around young love. Young relationships. Young fun... I've never had that" I laughed a bit nervously. "You mean you never had a boyfriend in highschool you messed around with. One for a fact you thought you'd fall in love with, have kids with them possibly divorce?" He chuckled at himself as he asked. I frowned slightly as I watched the teeny Minos in the water. "...no..not even close" I responded with a small huff of laughter. "A beautiful blonde like you NEVER had that? NEVER? No story of almost dodging teen pregnancy?" He seemed super surprised. Almost flabbergasted. I shook my head again with a slight laugh "no walk. Never. I went to an all native school where no one would want to touch me with a thirty foot pole..." but they did want to touch me.. they did touch me.... To a point I never wanted to be touched again. "They weren't nice to you? Did they not know who you were?" He questioned. Again, I shook my head "...they didn't care...I was never able to stand up for myself. I was much too small and Ya know" I rotated my hand to finish the sentence. "Much too sweet? Much too gentle?" He gently tossed some of my hair behind my ear as he interrupted my statement. I agreed with him. "Right..." I looked down bashfully as I was still a bit weary about men. "So no boyfriends. At all?" "No walk! None. Why are you so obsessedWith that fact. You were my first" I laughed gently as I rubbed my nervous hands along the tops of my knees. Walker went quiet for a long moment. I knew for sure I disturbed him. His face was blank. Almost puzzled. "I'm.. I'm sorry.. I.. I should've never said anything.. I'm really sorry. I wasn't even thinking" I went to get up before his hand eased me back down. "I didn't know that will.." he said. I shrugged my shoulders. "It's whatever" his frowned a bit as he watched my tiny gentle figure. "I would've never treated you the way I did then will"

"What difference would it have made? It would've been difference if I was slightly used?" I furrowed my brows. "I wouldn't have touched you. You should've saved that very thing for someone you loved. Someone you could cherish" he shook his head with disgust of himself. I frowned even heavier "what if I thought that was what had happened" I glanced away from him to look across the creek at squirrels climbing trees and scavenging for themselves. "What about after me hm?" He asked nicely. I looked back over at him with a head shake. Again he was puzzled. "You havnt found anyone?" "Walker.. I don't leave... I was bullied in school to a point I would've rather be dead.. I was in one singular relationship a couple years ago. Before you came along. He used to beat the daylight outta me.... And I let him.. all because I wanted to know I was loved. He's long gone in the bellies of wild animals now.. I've been here alone since.."   he sat quiet for a bit before saying "Alright. Fine. What's YOUR favorite song" he asked with a smirk to change the subject in my favor. I shook my head "gosh I don't know. Maybe walk the line Johnny cash"

"Oh yeah? Why Johnny cash?" He questioned. "I guess you could say I've always wanted to be loved in that way. A man who would walk though fire for you. A man who would do anything for you... I guess that's what I've always wanted..." before I could describe to him my feelings his guitar fell into his lap... he strung me a cord to that song. I watched him with amazement as I waited for him to sing. He didn't. He gazed his eyes at me almost telling me to... go on.. so I did. I sang quiet and soft to him almost like I've done it a million times before. He listened so closley to me. I looked around a bit engaged of being too loud. "It's just me wills. Go on" he reminded me. His eyes were gleaming "I keep a close watch on this heart of mine I keep my eyes wide open all the time I keep the ends out for the tie that bind...." He leaned closer to me.. nearly touching me lips as I said "because your mine... I.. walk the line" I whispered with in his face Before I knew it he was kissing me very deep but also so very gently as if he understood how fragile I was at that moment. His guitar left his body to make room for my small body to be closer to him. I was in love once again But for how long this time? My sore torn up hands held his cheeks as the kissing became even deeper the more comfortable I got. He pulled away gently just leaving his forehead upon mine as he stroked my blonde hair. "I'm sorry.. I didn't know if thats.. ya know too far than you have wanted.." I whispered. He smiled with a bite of his lip "you're perfect blondie.. perfect" he said. I smiled at him for just a moment. "Would you... walk a line for me" I said in a joking way. Walkers smile faded "I would. I really think I would" hisThumb rubbed the edge of my jaw. I watched his deep dark green eyes as he gently pecked my lips again. "I guess.. you're stuck here qitg me forever hm?" I smirked. HeChuckled softly with a long annoyed sigh "that I am blondie"

"Willie!" My name was shouted out. I glanced behind me at Casey who seemed curious that he found us in the way that he did. "Yeah?" I stood up dusting grass off my butt. Casey watched walker with squinted eyes. "Just letting you know the guys are starting to eat supper. Ya might wanna get a plate before it's gone" he spoke without looking away from walker. "Oh alright. Thanks" I looked over at walker with a smile. "Coming?" I held out my hand to help walker up. "Let's get them small bones a bite to eat" Walker stepped through the woods next to me with his hand on my lower back until we reached the open plains, that's when he slowed down behind me to walk with Casey. Once I reached the large fire where the cowboys were eating I looked back at Casey and walker. Casey held his hand on walkers shoulder almost as if he has dominance against walker. I could see Casey was talking to walker like a father to his daughter's new boyfriend. But what was he saying? "Hey willow! Sit next to me!" Tate smiled. I looked over at him as I held an empty plate against my chest "sure thing" I sat down next to the young boy without losing sight of walker and Casey. Walker watched me as he listened to whatever Casey was saying. He continuously nodded at Casey as if he was telling him something important. "Don't worry about it willow... Casey's got your back" Monica whispered over to me. "What's he saying?" I asked "I have no clue but I know it's most definitely for the better of you" Monica placed some food on my plate along with Tates. Tate shoved the food so fast in his Mouth it was hilarious "you're gonna choke" I said. "If this is the way I die. So be it" Tate muffled. The men around us laughed at his glutton face. I glanced up to see Casey and walker returning from their chat. Casey wiped his son's mouth as he sat down beside him. Walker patted my shoulder before grabbing himself some food. "Them biscuits are great aint they?" My father elbowed Tate. "Soooo good. These are the shit" he swore. "Woah! Hey! Mouth!" Casey corrected his boy. John laughed aloud. I loved my father's laugh. I loved his smile too. It was just never directed towards me. "Your grandmother came up with that recipe. She HATED making them. HATED! it" he reminisced. "Really? Why did she make them then?" Tate asked. "Well your father here adored them. Loved them so much he'd ask for them with every meal. It was so tedious to make these biscuits because they are supposed to be cooked over a fire in a pan like this" he pointed the cast-iron Dutch oven in front of us. "What's tedious mean?" Tate asked. "Kinda like.. a pain in the ass to do not so hard to do" I said. "Oh! Homework is tedious" Tate nodded. They laughed "exactly. So your grandmother would constantly burn her hands on these damn pans. So I asked her 'why even make these stupid foods if you hate cooking them so much' she goes 'then I wouldn't be able to watch my baby eat them every night'" my father looked down at his plate as he smiled softly to himself. He missed my mother oh so much. Casey smiled at my father as he brought up the lovely memory. I myself had a soft smile As if I knew her. My smile faded as my father looked up at me to give me a scowl. I frowned then bowed my head to hide from the heat. "Yeah I miss her... sometimes I wish the dead could take the place of some who are living" my father's eyes stared at me through the fire. I could feel his eyes watching me as he sat across the fire pit. "Me too. I'd bring back Spider-Man" Tate interrupted. The mood was lifted as laughter followed. I stayed still. I stayed quiet. I stared at my plate as my appetite was gone again. Gently a biscuit was placed on my plate after walker sat beside me. "Eat" he said. I glanced up at him with a sad look to my eyes. He frowned. "Eat" he repeated. "Why doesn't she make anymore biscuits?" Tate questioned my father. "Well she's passed away now honey. She's been gone.. god.. I don't even know how long. How old are you now Willie?" He asked. I gulped my mouth full down as I looked up not expecting to be spoken to. "Um.. well I turned twenty five in-"... "She's been gone about twenty three years then" my father answered his curious grandson leaving not a care for my response. "What happened?" Tate asked again. "Alright. I think it's about time we go to bed" Casey was quick with his response "Im talking with papa" Tate said. "I know but it's late-" Casey went to help his son up before my father bursted "that's a questioned for your aunt Willie. Take it away aunt Willie" my father stood up to put his dish in a bin of water held beside the food filled wagon. I was frowning as I watched my father stand with his hands on his hips "go on. Tell the boy" he seemed angry. "Yeah! Tell aunt willow!" I looked at my father then Tate then at my father again  "I.. I.. don't.. I don't know" I stuttered. "Sure you do. You were there" "Hey. That's enough of that. Come on Tate. Bed time" he lifted his son to his feet and tried to walk him to the tents. "I...I was.. I was two daddy.. I.. I don't Remember"

"You don't!?" He chuckled "ain't that some bullshit" I looked around me as theMen watched me out of confusion. I felt my hands and lips quivering with so much anxiousness. "Tell us what you remember Willie" my father was determined to get answers out of me. But I had none. "Dad. Stop. Leave her alone. She's been through enough" Casey said. "She hasn't been through anything in my eyes. Sure you got a little beat up but whose fault was that?"

I stood up as I was too ashamed to sit there. "Stop dad" Casey repeated. "No. I want her to sit here and tell me what she knows"

"I don't know a thing!!" I shouted. "I was a baby!! I have no idea! All I remember is being scared that I couldn't find my daddy! Then I remember being put to bed all by myself because my daddy wasn't there! I never! Ever! Saw my daddy after that! He gave up on me that night! I never had a father after that! I didn't know her daddy! I don't remember her name! I don't know her birthday! I don't know anything about her! I don't even remember her face! Instead of you raising me to remember her and praise her name, you just raised me to be scared of you! To hate myself! I don't know her daddy! I don't know what happened! All I know is I was terrified! I was just a god damn baby!" I was defeated. I was sick of him. All I wanted was for someone to love me. I wanted him to love me. "I wish I knew her! You think I wanted to be raised by myself!? You think I want to be thrown to the wolves!? No daddy! I didn't!" My father just stared up at me as Casey did so also. The cowboys looked shocked that I spoke more than one sentence. The men around me are usually used to me speaking very soft and polite, if I spoke any words at all.  My father didn't respond. He stood up and stormed to his tent. Believe it or not I followed. "Nothing!? You're not gonna say a damn thing!? I finally speak up and you say nothing!?  To you I may be a killer! But to me you're a god damn coward!!" My soft gentle voice began to yell and crack as I was ready to cry... that until daddy struck me with an open palm. My teeny body made a connection with the ground as he did so. I was scared to look up at my father as he spoke "you'll never be seen in another way. Until the day I fuckin die. I promise you that. You're to never enter my house again. From now on you're just another face that works for me. Until you pay me back that money you owe me you won't beGetting shit. I PROMISE you that" my father's teeth were clenched. I've never seen him more serious in my life. Before I could say anything else my father zipped His tent up for the night. I was quick to wipe my tears knowing there's were many others behind me whom watched the entire event. I stood up to dust myself off. That's what I get for standing up for myself? I never wanted to go home so bad in my life. But what home? I didn't have a home anymore. I have nothing but a bunk and some very sad memories... do I even bother having a future anymore? I owe my father the rest of my life.. where do I even begin.