34 "no time for recovery"

It had been three weeks since I've been home. I didn't leave my bed, I didn't answer my door, I didn't even answer the taps on my window. I didn't eat.. I've hardly slept. The best I could do was stare at the blank walls of my bedroom.  Not many have tried to speak to me. Only Monica who attempted to have me eat. I didnt look at her when she entered the room. Nor did I speak. I havnt spoken in awhile. What was the point? I was too embarrassed to leave this room. I'm choosing to sit here forever. Although All I could think about was jimmy. I couldn't face jimmy. It's just too nerve racking. Why would he want a beaten damaged girl, One that can't even protect herself. One that was dumb enough to allow a child to get hurt under her watch. I was punishing myself. So I thought. Maybe I was punishing him more than anything. I didn't care at that moment and time. I stared down at my palms that I had stitched up on my own. Each palm held a gash that ran pinky to thumb. It hurt to even clench my fingers. I had nerve damage for sure. I've had the doctor come by many times after checking up on Tate. I refused anything from him. I just simply laid in my bed. I had no motivation to get up. None at all. My body was cut and bruised, I didn't want to show my face.. not that anyone would want to see my face. From time to time I'd watch outside. But most of the time I was glued to the mattress. I sat alone as usual until My door opened without a knock "Sit up" my father spoke. I glanced over my bedding to see him standing at the door with his hands on his hips. He took his hat off his head and waited. Slowly I sat up but not making eye contact at all I stared at the floor. "Don't you think it's time you got out of bed?" What does he care? He's never cared before. I didn't answer him. I just watched the knots in the wood floor. "I don't really want you sitting in bed all the time. Shit happened to you. Big deal. Things happen to people all the time. Get up. Get your things. You're coming with me" he said loud and proud. I didn't want to. I just looked down. "Did you hear me?" He waved his hand Infront of me. "No thank you daddy..." I whispered. "Oh I wasn't asking. I was telling you. Get up! Get your shit!" He rose his voice. "N..no daddy" I whispered. My father was quick to be frustrated.  He grabbed me by my shirt that held blood drops from my draining head. He clenched his fist around the shirt as he yanked me up out of bed. My hands clawed at his wrists as I stared at his face with fear. I felt my eyes being to well again. "D.. daddy.. please" I sobbed. "I said get up!! Get your fucking shit!! You're coming with me!" He shoved my small body cashing it to tumbleBack. I caught myself before hugging my beaten skinned arms. "Okay.." I gave in. I always gave in. "Pack all your clothes. All of them" he slammed my door shut. Why? Where was I going? What have I done now? I put my jeans on along with my boots. I tied my hair up and put on a loose T-shirt. I tried to put my bag over my shoulder but it was much too heavy. So I began to drag it down the hallway. As I began to drag it I did it nice and quiet past Beth's door. I was terrified of her coming out. "Will? Whatcha doin?" Casey, whom was walking up the stairs as I was coming down startled me. "...daddy told... told me to pack.. I did.." I pointed down to the duffle bag. "Do you need some help?" He examined me and the way I looked. I nodded my head. Easily he picked up my bag. He draped it over his shoulder then looked back at me. "WillowYou look skinny. Frail.  You need to take care of yourself" he said. I ignored him by walking down stairs. I grabbed my jacket off the wall then shoved my arms into it. "Hey aunt willie!" Tate smiled. God, he had a smile. I nodded my head at him then patted his shoulder as he at his breakfast at the kitchen counter. "You're looking a lot better willow" Monica smiled in my direction. I bowed my head without a word. "I got it" I whispered to Casey as I took the heavy bag "I can take it out for you. I don't mind Will" he followed me to the porch. "There's no need" rip said as he stood at the stair case. I haven't seen him in a long time. It hurt my heart to see him. I kept my head down as I watched rip take my bag. "Where is she going?" Casey sounded concerned. "Welp, your old man wants her to stay in the bunkhouse. He thinks it'll toughen her up"  rip sighed as if he disagreed with this final decision. "What?! Is he crazy!? She's like 90 pounds! How is putting her to work gonna help her? What she needs is to get better!" Casey was furious. "Casey trust me. I said the same damn thing. I can't change his mind" rip held out his hand to help me down the stairs. Again, I didn't speak I word. I accepted my fait. "Will I figure this out" Casey said. I shook my head "no you won't" I simply said before walking down the long driveway with rip. "How are you feeling peanut?" Rip asked as he tucked my hair behind my shoulder. I shrugged. "You look small will.. have you been eating at all?"  Again, I didn't answer. I didn't care to. Rip sighed as he opened the bunkhouse doors for me. "Go on" he said. I stepped in with him following behind me. The bunkhouse looked up and stared at me like they had seen a ghost. I was so uncomfortable I wanted to crawl back into bed. "Miss nelson!!!" Lloyd cheered "welcome to the club!!" 

"Now not that it's anyone buisness why she's here, but her father thought it would be best for her to stay here. Toughen up a bit. Learn the ropes. So be respectful. No fuckin around!" Rip said with a stern tone. "Here. You can stay in walkers old bed" Colby pointed. Walkers gone? Where did he go.  "Rip placed my bag on my bed then spoke directly to me softly "of anyone fucks with you let me know" "How long?" I asked with a very large frown. Rip sighed. "Awhile peanut.. I'll try to get you out of here sooner.. but you know your father" Yeah. Unfortunately I did. I couldn't stand him. At least no more family dinners with the evil queen. "I mean it you guys! I fucking mean it!" Rip shouted before leaving the bunkhouse. I kept my head down as I unpacked my clothes. I looked around confused as to where to put my said clothes. "Wooo wee miss Nelson you are as skinny as a tooth pick next to a string bean!" He smiled as he said on the bunk next to mine. "That head wound looks a lot better too" I watched me with a smile that quickly faded once he saw tears in my eyes and cheeks. "You'll be okay honey. Nothing is gonna happen to you here. These guys will do nothing but protect you" that's just it.. last thing I'd ever want is to be in the same room with men right now. I don't even want to look the men in the eyes. "Here sugar.." he pulled a trunk out from underneath the bed "your clothes can go in here. Your shower stuff can stay in a bucket in the bathroom. Okay? You'll do great Nelson" he rubbed my back sweetly before going back to his card game. I held my toiletries in my arms as I looked around the room. Everyone was minding their business not caring I was even there. I appreciated that. I walked into the bathroom to see it was all one giant room. Two showers and one toilet.. anyone at any time could walk in. I didn't like that. Now I was scared to shower. I placed my products in a bucket neatly before I heard the water turn off. I didn't realize it was on. I glanced over to see jimmy leaving the shower with a towel on. My body turned away as if I didn't see a thing. "Willie?" Jimmy was shocked. So was I. "Sorry...I'm really sorry" I glanced at the floor but still at him respectfully. "What are you doing here. I'm so happy to see you" he was speaking with a smile. I didn't smile. I didn't gleam. My warm fuzziness was gone. "I.. o moved into the bunkhouse.." jimmys brows furrowed at my appearance. "What happened? No one would tell me a thing about where you've been" he held out his hands for me. I was quick to reject him. "...maybe ask around.. um.." I looked over at the door for a way out. "I'm gonna probably unpack my things" I left the bathroom quick, I didn't want to hurt him.. or offend him. I'm just not feeling the way I did before. I wanted to be alone, in a hole. Locked away forever...

.....

I said in my small bunk staring down at book. I was curled up in my blanket as I read. I flipped page to page as I nawed on my nails. Every now and then I would glance up as one of the men slapped against the floor. They teased each other by roping one another around their legs then wrangling them against the floor like cattle. It was odd. Childish and odd. But what did I care? I was being left alone. For the most part. "Here will. Wrangle your brother" Ryan held out the rope to me. I glanced over at Jamie whom was already pissed I was there. I simply shook my head "oh come on sweets. Have a little fun" he nudged the rope against my arm. Again, I shook my head. I was much too scared to be bullied. "She's a pussy. My father raised a pussy" Jamie said. I furrowed my brows as I moved to the edge of my bed. The men noticed my quick shift "what was that you said Jamie?" Ryan smirked with his arms crossed "she's pussy you say!?" Colby snickered and he leaned his back on the bunk beds as my eyes stayed glue to Jamie "Yeah. She'sAlways been a little pussy. Why do you think she looks the way she does" Jamie brushed me off as he cracked open a beer as if he was related to the men around him. "Says the one who tried to put a bullet in his head because daddy doesn't love him anymore" I said. "Oooohhh shit" the boys all hissed. Jamie looked at me with a bit of anger "maybe that's something you should think of doing yourself. Ya now putting a bullet in your head do us all a favor" Jamie shot back. I stood up "last time I checked you were placed in this bunkhouse so you can become a real man. Ya know put hair on your back" I said. The bunkmates laughed with entertainment. "Why are you here? That's right. Cuz you nearly killed the grandson. You think he put you here to better you? He put you here hoping either the cattle is gonna kill ya or the god damn stress!! Either way he's hoping you drop dead!" Jamie stood up walking closer to me with his finger out "don't think for a minute you're better than me. Or anyone else of that manner. You're a sad lazy sack of shit who has no hope in life" Suddenly rage filled my veins. Like never before. My fists clenched the book I was reading as I swung the hard over over his skull, perfectly in his temple. He fell back holding his aching head. He roared "are you fucking kidding me!!?" He yelled. I stared at him with shock, shock that I even tried that. I was shock I even felt rage in my body. The bunkhouse stood shocked at my behavior. I was normally sweet and gentle. "Come here! Come here! Get over here" he grabbed me by the back of my hair, yanking me off of my bunk. "Let go of me!" I hollered. Jamie shoved me outside. "You wanna act like a man we can fight like one!!" I didn't like to be handled by men. I was very uncomfortable at this moment. "Stop!!" I shouted. "Hey!! Fuck is going on here!?" Rip shouted as he was shutting the barn down for the night. "Take your fucking dog and walk it!!" Jamie took my fist full of hair then shoved me into rip body. I stumbled back away from rip out of fear "I'm sorry" I repeated. "JamieI get your the bosses son but I ain't gotta take orders from you. Your sister is staying in that bunkhouse if you like it or not!" He seemed annoyed not by our bickering but by Jamie's aggression to me. "I don't give a fuck rip! Fuck this! Fuck this ranch! I'm fuckin out of here!!" Jamie then stormed to his expensive high class car. I watched my brother storm off with guilt tearing up in my eyes. "I'm sorry. He made me so mad. I'm so sorry" I whimpered. Rip watched with a soft look. "Did you do that to his head?" He asked with not much anger at all. I wiped my cheeks as I nodded. "Did he deserve it?" He questioned. I nodded again "good. Now no fighting under my roof will. You're the last person I was expecting to do that. Now I'm not gonna tell your dad. Just.. go on to bed peanut. No one else will mess with you. Go on" he pointed to the bunkhouse after reconsidering nothing at all. "Yes sir" I stepped to the door then looked back at rip "I'm...Im not gonna let you down rip.. I.. I promise" I said as my gentle voice cracked. Rip nodded "you could never let me down peanut. If this were up to me you wouldn't be working this kind of job. This job is gonna ruin you Willy. I promise you that" he sounded sad that I was just in this line of duty. He seemed hurt he has to see me go this path. "Yes sir" I've worked the ranch before. Many times. Every time I failed by not being good enough. My father always kept me away from it for a reason. I guess he doesn't care now...