30 "killed the teacher"

2002 Willie is 7 years old.

It was 5 years exactly since my mother had past away. I of course never knew her, I hardly remembered what she even looked like. I wasn't affected too much with her death date..but I was always made sure to be affected by this date by my family. I of course played in my room by myself. I mostly read books and listened to my dad's old records. The books I would read would place me in a whole new world where I was loved by many. The music would made me wish for love. It gave me hope for myself. I sat on the floor of my bedroom with my book laid across my mattress. I was reading Harry Potter as Patsy cline record played behind me. The book was not for kids my age. I found myself reading at better levels than most kids my age. You'd think my father would Be proud of me. My father never even attended school conferences to talk about my excelled education. My teachers constantly handed me a permission slip for my father sign. The slips stated that I would be moved up to 4th grade instead of first.. but of course my father looked past it. He didn't care what grade I was in. He said I was fine where I was at. Maybe if he signed those papers I wouldn't have been hurt.. at 15 years old... maybe I would've been ahead of them.. I would've been long gone... I would've gone to school where I wasn't looked at like a freak for being diffrent. For my skin tone... By myself I read this 7th grade reading leveled book. The books made me wish I had another life. My father was a well off man but maybe if we were poor my father would've loved everything he had.. including me. Then maybe we couldn't afford horses for my mother to fall off of. Maybe there wouldn't have been any woods for me to get lost in. I'm constantly thinking about how my life could've been if I had just made very slight changes with my life... i admired harry for his strength even though he was treated like hell by his aunt and uncle. I related to him. I didn't relate to his self defense. I wish I did. I turned the page before glancing up at my door as it swung opened, smashing the door nob into the wall. I nearly jumped out of my skin. "You! You little fuckin bastard! You!!" My father was drunk. Stumbling drunk. He didn't get drunk too often.. but on this date he was. I watched with fear yet with patience. "You ruined my fucking life you know that!?" He yelled as his words slurred too much to understand. "What are you doing in here!? Huh!?" My father grasped the book from my bed chucking it across the room. I sat back to let him do what he had to. I didn't speak a word. "In the morning you're going to a new fuckin home! I can't stand to look at you!" He pointed his finger at me as he wobbled on his feet. "Are you not gonna say anything!!? You took my wife away! You stole her from me and my fucking children!" He was starting to cry. I stayed still.. I watched him with tears in my own eyes. I felt terrible. "You don't ever ask anything of me. Ever. You don't ask me for a god damn thing! You never complain! Why!?" He yelled as he was waiting for an answer from me. I asked myself if I should actually answer or not. I was so scared to. "Answer me!!" He caught himself on my bed post as he was about to tumble. I pushed his body to help him up. My teeny hands held his palms. "...I.. I have everything I need daddy...I'm sorry if I upset you." I spoke very quietly. "Well I don't! The one thing I needed in life you took from me!!" He sobbed as he pointed at himself. I was so uncomfortable. I looked over at the door to see if anyone would come. "It's okay daddy.. wanna go to bed pop?" My hands were shaking trying to hold up this monstrosity of a man. My father pushed himself away from me, tumbling back into the wall. He slammed my books from their shelves. "All these fuckin books! You're just like your fuckin mother! Read read read! Fuck your reading!where is reading gonna get you?!" He angrily yanked a book off the ground to throw it at me. I coward down away from the aim of his wrath. The book smashed the wall behind me. Quickly I  hit the floor to covered my head from any more flying objects. "You killed her! You! You fucking..fucking.. fucking fuck!!" My father stumbled into my direction. My little legs quivered as I covered my head in a ball on the floor. "Come here! Come here I'm gonna take you the fuck out for what you've done!" I felt my father's hands grip my hair. He yanked me up on my bed to look at him. "I'm sorry daddy! I won't read anymore! I promise! I.. I.. I won't bother you ever again pop I swear!" My heart was as fast as lightning. My teeny hands shook as they held his shirt."hey!! Stop!!" A voice shouted.  "Hey! There you are! No no no! Come on sir! This way.. come on" rip, another voice was quick to come into the room as if he lost his drunk friend. He pulled my father off my tiny frame, back into his arms where it seemed he had him before. Rip was 20 at the time. Strong headed. He would do anything for my father. My brother Casey whom was 12 at the time followed rips lead  "Rip! You see that fuckin bastard right there?" John pointed at me with some of my hair still in his palm. "She's ruined this family! My life! She took my fucking life!" He grunted as he drunkenly hung his head as Casey gently shook my hair from his tight clammy grip. "She's a good kid Mr Dutton.. she does really good. you should see what she does in school" rip and Casey held both of his arms to slowly move my father out of my bedroom into his room leaving me with a wink from rip. I followed closley behind. "How the fuck would you know!? She ruined our lives"

"I look after her sir so you don't have to.." they sat my father down on his bed. "She ain't your problem. She's my fuckin problem. A terrible problem at that! bastard fuck!" he poured himself another glass of whiskey from his bedside table as he spoke to rip. "Not a problem sir.. I enjoy her. She's a good kid..even the school loves her" he said. "Oh fuck that school! Schools don't know Jack shit on what they're talking about! Children should be home schooled! That little shit would've been home schooled if she didn't KILL THE FUCKING TEACHER!" my father belched. Casey's eyes widened as he listened to my father banter. He looked around the door frame to see me standing there. He stayed quiet. I bowed my head with so much shame and guilt. I couldn't believe I made a single man feel the way he does. "Okay...okay.. here. Lay down" rip gently took the glass from my father's hand then lifted his legs onto the mattress. "I thought about taking that one and putting it outback to put it down. I should've fed that one to the GOD DAMN WOLVES! God!..." he whaled "but she looks so much like my dear Evelyn to do so" my father rolled to his side as he let out a drunken sob. I chewed my nails like it was my final meal. I was a fool. I can't believe I've doneThe things I've done. Rip glanced behind him to see me in the door way. I tucked myself behind the door frame as he realized I heard every word he had said. My father snored himself to sleep after a moment of silence. Rip felt safe to leave him alone for the night. He shut the bedroom door behind him as he sighed at me. "Don't listen to him...he's drinking" rip bowed his head. "I'm not dumb.." I spoke quietly. "....you know how he is willow.." Casey whispered to me. Rip sighed as he picked me up in a tight hug. "Today is just a hard day for everyone" rip walked me to my disaster of a bedroom while rubbing my back like my father should be doing. I laid my head down. "...my daddy is gonna kill me isn't he?" I questioned my sweet guardians. "Why would you say that huh?" He smooched my head as he sat me down on my book covered bed. He began to pick up my father's mess. "...they keep telling me to die.." my teeny voice cracked as I was ready to cry. "I don't wanna die but I will for them if it makes them happy" I hugged my pillow as I whimpered teeny tears. "...ugh.. peanut.." rip sat down at my level. "You're 7 years old. You have nothing to worry about. You're not supposed to have a worry in the world at your age" he pet my hair as he watched my sad puppy dog eyes. "I didn't mean to do it" I whispered at my pillow. "You didn't do a damn thing will. Not a damn thing" Casey placed some of my books back on the wall. "...yes I did... daddy says so"

"Dad is an idiot. A drunk idiot who can't take accountability for what happened in the past. It's not your fault" Casey was frustrated. Constantly he was mad at my father. My father had grew to be a very unreasonable man, to not just me but Casey too. "Just know your life will never be normal. You'll never have a father who loves you. You'll never have a family. You'll never be allowed in. They'll always shut you out. You just keep reading your books, become super smart then leave here. Can you do that?" Casey questioned me in a way that was more demanding of me. "Yes" I whispered. "Good. Now goodnight" the sad broken boy spoke before slamming his bedroom door shut. I flinched at the slam as I was scared it was my father again. "...you'll be okay peanut" rip pet my hair back a bit. "What do I do if he wakes up?" I trembled. "He won't wake up... trust me" rip stood up from my bed. "If he wakes up just stay quiet. He shouldn't bother you. If he does.. come get me.. okay?" Rip seemed very skeptic about my father's behavior. He didn't want to believe John had that level of evil for me. He likes to set a blind eye to it. Same with Beth's behavior. I don't blame him. I don't like to upset them either. Rip shut my light off "try to sleep. I'm right outside if you need me.. got it?" He shouldn't be the one shutting off my light at night and reassuring me I'm okay. I've known him for so many years yet.. he's better than my birth family "rip" I sniffled as all I wanted was a human connection. "Yeah peanut?" He spoke with the door half closed "can I come sleep with you" I wiped my tears with the back of my teeny tiny hand. "...the bunkhouse is no place for a tiny girl.." rip glanced down as he couldn't see me in my dark room but he was listening close. "...can.. can you.. can you come sleep next to me?" I was too scared to be alone. "...I can't honey.. I'll see you in the morning okay?" Guilt filled his tone. "...o..okay" he shut the door leaving me in the dark.. leaving me alone. I began to cry heavily. I was too scared to be alone.. yet I was left alone...