35 - Mark IX

"So, you're just gonna stay here and do nothing? Is that it?" Jason is saying. 

"What's with you and bad luck with girls anyway?" Noe chides in. 

I sit silently, playing with the shot glass on my hand, letting them tease me. If this is Karma, then so be it. Keep it coming. I don't care. I'm at my lowest anyway. What else could go wrong?

"Just go back to the old Mark." Emily adds. "There are lots of girls there. Sandra for one."

"Pshhh..." I shake my head. "She's just a friend. Ok?"

"Friend? Huh!" She chuckles. "She's following you around like a puppy. Doesn't she have better things to do with her life?"

"C'mon, guys." I tell them. "Give the girl a break. You know she doesn't have anyone."

"And you believe her?" Noe, always the first to suspect, huffs. 

"I owe her, ok?" I point out. 

"You owe her nothing. It wasn't your fault her dad was a bad guy."

"I put him to jail." I defend myself. One of the many guilts I have. I know he deserved it. But when I look at Sandra, all alone, with nowhere to go and nothing to do, I wish I didn't. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love and depend on. I have. I've lost the only person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 

"Talking about me?" The topic of discussion takes the seat beside me. "Sorry I'm late. I was busy helping Mark's mom with some business matters."

I notice the three secretly rolling their eyes at me, looking away when Sandra looks at them. 

"When are you going back to London?" Jason asks her, not hiding how much he wants to kick her out as she's disturbing our only time together. 

Ever since that day I went to Cris' house and talked to her dad, I've busied myself by helping my parents out to put the business back up. I was here and there, running errands for my parents, restructuring the management of the different establishments. 

Sandra came two weeks after I left London. She said, she can't afford to put herself to school, so she decides to come back to LA to work. My mom gave her a job, as her assistant. And she's been working for us since then. 

And because of that, I spend more time with her and less time with my friends - which they really hate. 

"It depends," she shrugs her shoulders, ignoring the sarcasm in Jason's voice. "I'm really not sure. I think I want to stay here." She then puts a hand on my thigh and looks at me. "What do you think, Mark?"

"Huh?" I raise an eyebrow at her. "It's your life, Sandra. Do whatever you want." I shift my leg, removing her hand. 

And she decides to stay. I can't complain though. She's really a big help. With her knowledge on businesses, she's contributed a lot to the company. That's why, in just a few days of being here, my mom has started to like her. Even telling me to continue with the engagement. 

I admit. She is a distraction. She keeps me company when I'm depressed. She'd be there when I drink over how I miss Cristina. But, SHE IS NOT CRISTINA.

Cristina is gone, Mark. You've let go of her long time ago. The time you decided to fly to LA and leave her in Seoul, was the time you gave her up. It's a decision you made. Live with it.

But, I can't. Even with all that's happened. Seeing her then losing her again. I still can't take it in me to erase all those memories we've had. Even if she did just that. 

I don't even know where she is. I'm just hoping that whoever she's with, he'd make her happy. I'm praying that he'd not do what I did. And that she won't feel whatever hurt she felt when I left her. 

You might think I've given up. You're wrong. Before I can really let her go, I want her to listen. Just one last time. I'm holding onto one tiny hope that she'd take me back, even if she said it many times that she wouldn't. Even if it's a 99% against 1% that I won't have her in my arms again, I want to see her before I decide to finally say 'At least I've tried'. 

So, I had someone look for her. In every country .... in every city .... whatever it takes. 

He calls me a month after. "Mark, I think I saw her. I'm not sure though."

"Where are you?" My heart starts pounding fast. 

"Korea."

She's back in Korea? The guy she's seeing now, could it be him? The one she was with when she was here? 

Even if it's late at night in LA, I get up from my bed and pack. I meet up with him in Seoul, at a hotel just near where I used to stay ... with her ... with the other trainees. 

"Where is she?" It's the first thing I ask when I enter the hotel room. 

He shows me pictures on his phone instead. It's of her with other guys ... and that guy. In one picture, he has an arm around her. In another, she's laughing at something he's saying. I feel my insides slowly burning in jealousy. 

If she's happy with him, I should just let go, right? 

I clear my throat and blink a couple of times. Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of the man. "So, where is she now?"

"She's training in this other company. I think she's there now." 

So, she still wants to pursue her dreams. Good for her. I put the pictures down and rest my head on the back of the chair, closing my eyes. 

Why am I here? She looks happy with him. If she sees me .... and I talk to her .... would she listen? Do I have the courage to face her and let her go through the emotional turmoil I'd be presenting her? 

Still, I get up and walk out the hotel, taking the rental car towards the company she's in. I park across the road from the building, just when I see some guys - looks like trainees - coming out. Then I see her. My heart goes wild at the sight of her. It's been two months since the last time I saw her in London. She looks better, healthier .... even if I hate to admit it ... happier. 

That guy has his arm on her shoulder and she's giggling. She used to look like that before. It used to be me holding her ... It used to be me listening to her laughter .... It used to be me walking with her .... 

USED TO BE. Now, it's someone else. 

I get out of the car, lagging a distance away behind them as they walk towards an apartment. I stay outside, hesitating to follow further. I turn on my heel and walk back to the car. 

"Mark?" 

I let go of the handle of the door and turn around. "Jackson?"

"It is you. Fuckin' shit. Where've you been man?" He says, all smiles as he hugs me. I miss this guy. 

"Is that Mark?" Another guy comes from behind him. 

"Junior." I nod. I can't say that I miss him, not with our past, but, it's good seeing some old friends. 

"What the heck!" Jackson is still in disbelief. "Are you coming back?"

"Nah." I shake my head as I put my hands in the back pocket of my jeans. "Just here for a visit. I'm going back tomorrow."

"C'mon." Jackson hits my back. "You don't plan on leaving without even hanging out with us, do you?"

A genuine chuckle comes out. Jackson is still the same Jackson. Things have happened in the past that would give him reasons to hate me, but he's still treating me like none of those happened. "Of course not." I answer. 

"Great." He beams. "We're planning on trying out this new club tonight. You'll join us?"

"Sure." I don't hesitate to say. I need to unwind anyway. 

We go out for dinner before that. They both take me to the restaurant we used to go to when I was still training with them. I suddenly miss those days. 

"So, why didn't you bring Cris with you?" Junior asks, out of the blue. 

I furrow my brows and put my fork down. 

"Oh. I'm sorry." He says after seeing my somber face. "What happened?"

Maybe because I'm thinking we're over anyway, or I just want somebody to listen to me rant, I tell them everything that went down the past couple of months. 

"Shit!" Jackson exclaims. "So, she doesn't remember anything? Even us?"

I nod. "Nothing from the day she came here to the last time you saw her."

"You made her do that." Of course Junior would say that. I don't blame him for blaming me. In fact, I totally agree with him. I've consulted some psychiatrists about Cris' case and they told me that it's because she was hurt too much. Add to that Lara's lies and her death, Trey's death, too. 

"Did you see her?" Jackson asks me as we make our way out of the restaurant. 

"I did."

"And?"

"She looks happy, Jackson. I don't want to mess her life anymore."

He hits the back of my head. "Just like that? You came all the way to Korea to just let her go like that? You're not even gonna talk to her? Even just a 'Hi'?"

"What do you want me to do? Besides, a girl's waiting for me back home." I tell him honestly, thinking of Sandra. She just sent me a message earlier, worried since I didn't tell anybody where I was going. 

"Who? That girl?" He scoffs. "Do you even like her?"

"I'll try."

"That's bullshit."

I quietly follow him out, Junior already waiting by the car. 

It's fun meeting the guys again, honestly. I haven't laughed like this for a long time. But, still, it's inevitable that we talk about the past ... and Cris and me. I take my chance and leave when both Junior and Jackson go to the bathroom. 

I go straight to the hotel and pack my bags. There's nothing left for me here. I don't want to ruin Cris' life again. As long as she's happy. 

I still have time before my flight ... a lot of time. Instead of staying in the hotel and wait 'til morning, I get to the car and drive to Cris' apartment. I don't know why. I don't think I can talk to her anyway. In the car, I write a very short note and plan on leaving it at the door. 

'Cristina,

I'm sorry about everything. I love you.'

I'm not even brave enough to write my name. Just like last time. I didn't have the courage to tell her why I was leaving. The coward me is just leaving another note. 

A man is entering the building when I get there. He looks at me questioningly, maybe wondering who I am. 

"I'm visiting a friend." I tell him. 

"Who?" He looks at me suspiciously. 

"Cristina. Samson." 

"Oh." His face brightens up. "I saw her leave earlier though. You can wait for her upstairs if you want."

"Fourth floor right?" I guess, hoping I got the right one. 

"Fifth."

I make my way to the stairs, thanking the man. Smirking at myself for getting that info so easily. There are only two doors at the fifth floor and they're across each other. I plant my ears on one and hear a very loud music coming from inside. It couldn't be her, could it? She's not even home. Before I can slip the paper under the other door, I hear footsteps behind me. 

I turn around and see a girl, her head bent, walking ... no ... dragging her feet towards my direction. 

"Cris?"

She looks up, her eyes blood shot, her cheeks wet. My calm demeanor earlier turns to turbulence. 

She stops a few feet away. "M...Mark? Wh...What are you doing here?"

Instead of answering, I close the gap between us and pull her to my arms. "Cristina."

Her shoulders shake and I know she's crying. 

"Ask me to stay. Please." I beg.