Chapter 10 - The letter

Marnie’s POV

June 24, 2014

I feel like I’m soaring whenever he looks at me. I feel like I’m the only person that he’s seeing in the entire universe, and that nothing else matters. He makes me feel as if I’m someone special, as if I make a difference, as if I actually matter. I’ve never had these feelings before, and he’s the one giving them to me. He gave me a whole new outlook on life. I know that this sounds as if I was hit by an arrow in the ass by Cupid, but these feelings are true. These feelings are real. I actually feel as if I really was hit in the ass by one of Cupid’s damn arrows. It even happened so fast that could really be what happened. We fell in love with each other so quickly and instantly as if we were made for each other, as if we were drawn to each other. I don’t think that there’s anybody else out there for me. I think Ethan’s the one. I think that I have found my purpose, my other half. I think that I have finally found my one true love that I have been searching for for years, and I’m never going to let him go. No matter what. No one can take this happiness away from me.

I don’t write in my journal a lot, but when I do, I make sure that it counts. This was definitely an entry that was going to count for a long time. I closed my journal once I felt happy with it and held it close to me for a moment. I closed my eyes and just sat there in the silence and the dim lighting, thinking about everything that has happened in my life. I thought about the first time that I saw my dad hit my mom, and then thought of Ethan. Then I thought of the day that I sat next to my mom’s bedside, talking to her for the last time just before they unplugged her from life support. She had been brain dead when I had spoken to her for the last time, but I knew that she could hear me no matter what. I started to cry at the memory, so I immediately switched tracks and thought about Ethan. I thought about how we had met, and how we had hit it off instantly. I thought about our first text, our first pre-date date, our first kiss, our first everything. That brought a smile to my face, and made me forget about my past. I deduced then that Ethan was my future, my present, and my past. He was simply my everything.

Since it was five in the morning and I couldn’t get back to sleep, I got up and got dressed into a plain black shirt with a black, white and grey striped cardigan with black khaki’s and grey boots. I brushed my hair out then attempted at a braid, but I had never been the best at braiding my own hair so I simply gave up in the end and ended up straightening it. I put on a simple small layer of smoky eye-shadow and finally went downstairs, but made sure that I was quiet enough not to wake up Jessie who was probably still sleeping. Though with her, there was no telling.

I made some coffee and put flavoring in it, then went to the couch and just sat there for the longest time in silence as I watched the rest of the sunrise out the window. Since it was late June already, the sun was mainly up for twenty four hours and the heat here was incredible. We weren’t having the best of summers, however. It was mainly raining every day here, which wasn’t a good thing. The winter was going to be bad this year, everyone who lived here long enough to be able to determine that could see that. If I got lucky though, I would get my acceptance letter into some school in the lower forty eights and I wouldn’t have to deal with the winter this year.

Then a thought occurred to me, making my eyes widen and causing me to set my coffee down on the table with a loud CLANK. I stared at my reflection in the dark TV screen, and saw the fear and shock in my eyes from here. My acceptance letter, to a school down in the states. I had sent a letter to five different schools before the school year ended. My teacher sent a letter of recommendation to each school, so that I could have a larger chance of acceptance into the schools. I wanted to start a new life down in the states, because I believed that I wouldn’t have one by the time I got to this point. I was wrong. I was way wrong. How was I supposed to know, however, that I would not only have a live, but a purpose, and a boyfriend? How was I supposed to know that I was going to find love this summer in a cute British boy with black hair and blue eyes? I didn’t. That was the problem. If I had known that I was going to get accepted into college, then I wouldn’t have sent those letters.

But that was just it, wasn’t it? I didn’t know. I didn’t know whether any of those schools would accept me at all. Would they want me as a student at their schools? Would they want me to be educated by them? I didn’t know this, so I could still have a chance at keeping my relationship alive with Ethan. I could still have a chance. We could still have a life together, and not some childish summer love.

I looked out the window again and stared at the mailbox. Now I was starting to anticipate my letter’s arrivals. I had to get letters sometime. I didn’t know when, but it had to be sometime soon. School started in two months, the letters had to arrive sometime soon. Any day now… It could even be here today. Usually the mail didn’t get here until around eleven, just five hours away since it was six in the morning, but I had to know. I was compelled to get up and go check. I rushed to the mailbox and hesitated with my hand on the handle and my teeth chewing on my lower lip. I stared at the door to the mailbox as if if I moved it would come alive and bite me. I closed my eyes and opened the mailbox, then slowly opened them again.

Nothing.

I sighed and closed the mailbox door while relaxing my body. I was somehow relieved that I didn’t get a letter. I trudged back inside and closed the door behind me. That was when Jessie came down the stairs, dressed in her pajamas with her hair brushed. One thing that Jessie always did after she woke up was brush her hair.

She stopped when she saw that I had just come back inside. “Hey.” she says as she starts to walk towards the kitchen, though her eyes were still on me. “What’s wrong?”

I try to act as if I don’t know what she’s talking about and try to tell her that I’m just tired, but there was just no excuse for what was on my mind. I sighed and followed her to the kitchen and grabbed another cup of coffee. I didn’t care that I had a perfectly good empty cup in the living room. The problem was that it was empty and that it was in another room. I could just do dishes later if need be. “I have a lot on my mind this morning.” I admitted to her.

“Yeah?” she asks as she gets herself some Sunny D. “Like what?”

I stay silent for a moment and just stand there at the counter, staring down into my coffee. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see that this worries Jessie, making her come over towards me. She takes the coffee out of my hands, and I don’t protest like I normally would. She wraps her arms around me and makes me look at her. “What’s wrong?” she asks again softly.

I stare at her with a sad look in my eyes then look away and lean my head on her shoulder. Ever since my mom died, she had kinda taken over that spot in my heart that only special people in my life could fill. She was like my second mother to me in some ways. Like now, she filled the spot at me needing a mom to talk to. “If I get a letter of acceptance into college, my relationship with Ethan is ruined.”

Jessie starts to rub my arms gently. “Oh, you don’t know that.” this makes me look up at her with a sad look still in my gaze. She just gives me a small smile, trying to cheer me up. “You could do a long distance relationship. Or who knows, maybe he’ll follow you there. He really likes you, Marnie. Like, really likes you. I think he would do anything for you.”

I shake my head at that. “No, I wouldn’t make him choose between staying with his friends and staying with his girlfriend.”

Jessie gives me a look. “Honestly, Marnie. Are you really that dense?” this question makes me scoff, but she continues. “He wouldn’t be choosing, he would be following his dreams. You. You are his dreams. He wouldn’t be abandoning his friends, he would be keeping the love of his life in his life. Don’t feel bad if he moves out just because he wants to be with her. It’s romantic and very sweet. There’s not many guys out there like Ethan. Don’t let this acceptance into college thing get to you.”

I knew that she was right. I knew that there wasn’t anything that could come between us, but this college thing was getting to me. I didn’t know how to deal with it, but the only thing I could do right now was wait for that letter and tell him later. I just hoped that I was worrying about nothing and that it wasn’t as serious as I hoped. Jessie did have a point too. I was pretty sure that Ethan was just as in love with me as I was with him. It was a little hard to fake what Ethan and I shared.

Later that morning, about an hour or hour and a half later to be exact, the boys came over like they usually did for breakfast. We had all grown into this little routine like day. The boys would come over around seven A.M. and have breakfast with us, and they would usually start showing up right around the time she was cooking the bacon. Usually Ethan and William were the first ones over so that they could have a little bit of alone time with us. William had started to date Jessie, though it was bound to happen. You would have to be blind to not have been able to see it coming.

We again ate in the living room while watching reruns of Loony Toons and Duck Dodgers like we had done every single morning. It was quiet this morning, unlike all the other mornings. Of course, it could have been filled with conversation, but I just didn’t hear because I was too busy thinking about what would happen to Ethan and I if I did get that letter of acceptance. It seemed so long ago now when I had been praying for a ticket out of here, but now that I had Ethan, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay here with him, and have a life with him. Sure, I didn’t want to stay in Alaska, but I would do anything for Ethan. Who knows? Maybe the boys will get tired of the scenery and want to go back to London someday. I had always wanted to see London ever since I became a fan of my favorite band One Direction. That wasn’t because of the fact that they were from England either. I just liked the fact that so much happened in London. It had so much history, and there was so much to do there that was different than what there is to do here. Of course, every place feels like that after time. You just get used to it. Even the boys have gotten used to boring ol’ Fairbanks North Star Borough. It just seemed like that in London,  you would never get bored.

“Let’s go talk.” Ethan whispered in my ear, making me jump a bit. Though no one seemed to notice it at all. They were too engrossed in watching Daffy Duck acting out as Duck Dodgers. I nodded once to him and got up, though again, no one looked my way. I wanted it to be that way. I walked towards the kitchen with Ethan, then dumped the barely eaten food on my plate in the trash. I cleaned the plate and put it in the dishwasher, and Ethan did the same. He did the dishes here like he lived here, though no one stopped him because we knew that it wouldn’t be worth it. “So, I noticed that you’ve been really quiet lately.” he said softly so that the others wouldn’t hear our conversation, though I doubted that they would hear us since they seemed to be preoccupied.

I froze and stared at him while biting my lip. Noticing that I wasn’t going to say anything, he looked over his shoulder at me, which made me look down. I felt bad for not saying anything, and for letting this stupid letter get to me. Really, I needed to get it through my thick head that it was just a letter. Still, the logical part of me was telling me that it was a huge deal, this letter was. The logical part of me was telling me that I needed to take this seriously and that I needed to tell him what was going on. I had to sometime. I might as well do it now.

“You don’t want to break up with me, do you?” he asks in a quieter tone.

My eyes widened and I immediately went to him and took his soapy hands. “No! Never.” I said a little loudly. I made sure to turn my tone down a few notches. “I just have a lot on my mind right now.” I admit.

Ethan takes his hands away from mine, and I feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. I thought that he was mad at me, but then he dries them with the towel that was hanging off of the handle to the stove and takes my face in his hands, making me look up into his dull blue eyes. “Marnie, you’re my girlfriend, and I’m your boyfriend, correct?” at this odd yet obvious question, I nodded as much as I could. “With those titles, it means that you and I share everything. Everything. Do you understand?” I slowly nodded a bit more. This made him crack a small smile. “Then you know that you can tell me anything, and I’ll still love you no matter what. I need to know what’s going on so I can help you.”

I bit my lip a bit then sighed and leaned into his chest. Instantly, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on top of my head. He wasn’t much taller than me, though he was tall enough that he could rest his head on top of mine. “Remember how I said that I wanted to go to college somewhere down in the states?”

“New York, Maine, California, Boston and Kansas.” he said softly. I was shocked to hear that he still remember what they were. “What about it?”

I buried my face into his chest and quickly told him what was wrong, though it sounded a bit muffled. Confused, Ethan pulls me away from him and puts his hands on my shoulders. We look at each other, confused expression on worried one.

“What?”

I sigh and look down at the ground. “I might get an acceptance letter, meaning that I’ll have to leave. I don’t want to be in a long distance relationship, but you’ve made me the happiest that I’ve ever been since my mom died. I don’t want to let go of that happiness, but I don’t want to give up a college education just for love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I do. I really, really do. More than you will ever know. It’s just, I’ve given up so many great opportunities for selfish purposes, and I don’t want to make that mistake ever again.”

Ethan was silent then. I didn’t know whether I had said the wrong thing or not, but he had said that he was my boyfriend and that my problems were his basically. I had to tell him about this. There wasn’t an option. I could have told him that everything was fine. I could have lied to him. Though, I wasn’t a liar. I tried my best to not lie, so why would I lie to the one that loved me with all of his heart, and vice versa?

“I don’t want you to hold back because of me.” he finally said. I stared into his eyes and listened to every word that he spoke to me carefully. “I would hate myself if I knew that you were being held back from chasing your dreams because of me. Marnie, you’ve been through so much.” he stared to caress my cheeks gently with his thumbs as he whispered. “You deserve to have the best. I don’t want to be the one that keeps you from what you want. I want what you want. I want the best for you. If that means that you have to go to another state, then so be it. I’ll follow you wherever you go, no matter what. You’re it for me, Marnie. I’m not going to let you slip away from me.”

I smiled in relief then wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him gently with my eyes closed. Ethan ran his hands down my back until they rested comfortably on the small of my back and pulled me close to him. He kissed me back with the same soft intensity that I kissed him with and everything faded away like it usually did. I pulled away for air this time then smile and leaned my head on his chest. We stood there for God knows how long, until Jessie came into the room and stood at the door. I broke away from Ethan slightly but was still hugging him close to me. He obviously wasn’t lying; he really wasn’t going to let me go any time soon.

“The mail came.” she said calmly.

My eyes widened. “Already?” the mail didn’t usually come until noon, so why was it coming four hours early? I was scared to go out to the mailbox, so I just stared at the door as if a monster was going to open it and come through to scare me just like in Monsters Inc. I felt intimidated, and I hated the feeling.

“Go.” Ethan whispers in my ear. I look up at him worried, but he only nodded. I looked back at the door and shuffled my feet towards the door. I opened it and went to the mailbox while chewing on my lip, then all too soon I’m standing at the mailbox. I’m probably just overreacting. Why would it be here so soon? It’s probably not going to get here until July, which I could handle. It would give me a bit more time to think about what I’m going to do if I do get accepted. I most likely wouldn’t get accepted though because of my grades in tenth grade. Yes, I wasn’t the best student. I had some of the worst teachers when I was in my Sophomore year, and plus that had been the year when my dad killed my mom, and I had moved in with my sister. They don’t know that, of course, so it wasn’t likely that they were going to accept me.

I get brave with that thought and see that there are indeed letters in the mail. I bite my lip as I feel my heart wanting to beat out of my chest and run away. I reach in and pull them out and look through the mail. The first one on top was the cable bill for Jessie with both of our names on it. I looked through the mail and stumbled when I saw “BOSTON COLLEGE” in big bold letters on the front of it. I had gotten a letter from Boston. I had gotten either an acceptance letter or a decline from this school. I quickly opened it up and dropped the rest of the mail as I did so. I opened it up with shaking hands, and nearly screamed when I saw what it said.

“Miss MarnieRae Athena Andrews,

We are pleased to inform that you have been accepted into Boston University on a Literary Scholarship…”

I shook as I looked at the letter. My mouth was open in shock. I was accepted. I was accepted. I’m going to Boston, on a Literary Scholarship. A scholarship. I got a scholarship. Here I was, thinking that I wasn’t going to get in because of my grades in school, but then again, my grades in English had been very good, and I did apply for an English major. I had only focused my work on English back in Highschool, I now realize. I had taken Creative Writing, I took Honors English, I took a college course English Class, I did it all. I just didn’t expect them to accept me because of the fact that all of my good work refers to English.

“Marnie?” Ethan’s voice called from the porch. I slowly looked up to see that he and the boys, including Jessie, were there, staring at me worriedly. I was still shaking. Seeing that something was wrong, he ran towards me and caught me. I fell into his arms as if my knees suddenly became jelly. He held me up and stroked my hair as he asked what was wrong, though I was sure that he already knew what was wrong.

“Is that... “ he asked softly. I only nodded and handed him the letter. He read it while holding me up with one hand and holding the letter up with the other. He only read one sentence before his eyes widened. He looked at me with a grin and spun me around, making me squeal, though I was not at all in the least bit happy. How could he be happy about this? This was going to cause some major problems. I could already see that. But for some reason, he was happy for me. Yeah, I was happy in one of the deepest parts of my heart, but I couldn’t help feeling worried because of this. He said that he wouldn’t let me go, but I knew that before anything serious happened between us again that there were going to be some dramatic times ahead.

“Wait, there’s more.” Ethan said. I nearly felt my whole body crack and fall into a million pieces onto the floor. I watched him as he bent down and picked up a letter and handed it to me. I looked at it, my eyes widening again. It was a letter from New York.

I thrust it towards him, making him take it. “I can’t. I don’t want to open it.”

Ethan stares at me shocked, but then nods and holds my hand for a second. “Do you want me to open it instead?”

Honestly, I didn’t want to open it at all. I just wanted to go curl up in my room and listen to my Ipod and cuddle with my teddy bear while I die on the inside and try to figure out just exactly what I was going to do with my life. I had to figure this out on my own, because that’s how I managed to deal with anything. I dealt with it by myself and on my own terms.

I slowly nodded, knowing that I had to face my fears at some point. Ethan gave a curt nod then opened it and pulled it out. He opened the letter up, and grinned once again.

“You got accepted into New York too!” he said with a happy grin. “Marnie, this is great! This is the chance of your lifetime! You finally get the life that you always wanted!”

The truth is, this is NOT what I wanted at all in my entire life.