Chapter 33

Beam stood at the open balcony at the second level of the house, facing a well kept flower garden that encircled a white water fountain, a statue of a winged little boy spouting water through it's mouth stood in the middle. He remembered small birds used to dip their heads in the water early in the morning when he was little, back when he spent his time watching the gates — waiting for his Mae to be home again.

It was almost eight in the evening and Beam had that twitch in his mouth after reading his boyfriend's message wishing him luck and saying that he misses him. The simple gesture somehow eased his rising anxiety. The evening breeze was cold, the sky was clear and the stars twinkled around the moon. The mixed smell of mist and freshly cut grass calmed him despite the shaking of his hands.

A hand then rested on his left shoulder and he turned around to see his Pa — smiling at him. It's been a while since he had seen that smile and again, it eased his shaking heart.

"It's been a while..you look different, son." he said and Beam notes that his eyes still held that same look of distant pain but he looked a lot older now, it's weird how a single year can change one's appearance.

He put his hands together for a polite greeting and slightly bowed his head and then he gave a weak smile.

"How are you, Pa?" he tried to hide the slightest crack in his voice by clearing his throat.

"I'm fine. Everything is fine, Beam. No need to worry.."

"Oh."

"How are things, son?" he asked, the smile in his face from seeing his son again not leaving his lips.

"Err..uh..I'm..okay. Things are okay, Pa." And this was true, in all the times that his Pa had asked him, this was the first time that he had said he was okay and actually meant it — half of it, at least.

"Good. I missed you, son." and just then, the same tears that Forth saw and wiped away the night before was back on his face again with no Forth to wipe and kiss it away this time.

"I'm..s..sorry Pa." He awkwardly leaned forward and gave one tight hug to the old man who rubbed his back and gave a soft smile and said; "Welcome back."

And now they stood, after an awkward couple of minutes of thinking what to say to start a conversation, to the same spot Beam stood a while ago. So much questions was in his mind and he can't pick what to ask first.

"I know you're here for something, what is it?" His Pa asked after a sip in his tea that the helpers had prepared for them.

It took a while for him to put words properly together but when he did, he didn't hold back.

"What happened..with you and..and Mae.."

Mae. It's been a long time since he said that word. It used to be weird saying it, calling someone Mae but can't really hold her or even see her. Then she came home and he thought everything would change. It did change though, but not for the better. The word started to became bitter and saying it became hard and painful. Even thinking of saying it became a lump in his throat. Now its just a distant memory of pain. And he wants to say it again without a wave of aching in his insides.

"Maybe.." he added when his Pa looked away after he had asked. "..maybe you don't want to talk about this anymore but..i need to know Pa..because not knowing is doing something to me. Things are happening around me and there are people wanting to be part of my life and i can't let them in because I'm afraid one day something like this might happen again and it might take a toll on me and it scares crap out of me. So i need to know..what happened..because not knowing scares me."

His Pa momentarily looked at him and then turned his gaze back outside. Beam waited patiently for his father to find the right words. His insides churn as he took a sidelong glance.

"We were best friends..the three of us."

His brows rose skywards when his Pa said the word. There were probably many things he was expecting to know but this was not one of those things.

"B — Best friends?! You mean.."

His father nods. "Best friends. He was a good person and a good friend and i can see why you're mother liked him."

"Mae liked him? What about you?"

"I liked Emma before we even met him. She and i knew we were going to be married after our stay in the University.."

"So, you loved her first.."

His Pa hummed as a response.

"Mae didn't love you..she liked him..but..she married you?"

"In a different way, i would like to believe she loved me.."

"But where's the foundation in that? I remember you two being so happy together..was it all act that you put up for me? Was everything an act from the very beginning?"

His father sipped in his tea again, this time he sat down and rested his right hand on the glass surface of the table, he faced outside still. Beam did the same on the other side of the table.

"The foundation of our marriage was built on friendship..trust and love in our own ways..and everything you saw was real..we were happy because you were there..you were our beam of light and happiness and that happiness bridged whatever gap we had.."

"That..man..did he love Mae also? What happened after you got married?"

"Of course. It was hard not to fall in love with your Mae. But they didn't become lovers..He knew what will happen to us after the Uni..and he was too much of a good friend to meddle and offered nothing more than just friendship..but we lost communication after he didn't come back from the summer break on our third year.."

"why did you accept that marriage? Why did you agree? Mae has someone she loves.."

"i loved your Mae the moment i met her..and she didn't have any reason to defy her parents..their company would have died down and your grandfather was at the verge of losing his position at the company and that company was your great grandfather's legacy..we had to save them."

"What about that man? Can't he save the company?"

"They own several branches of automotive repair shop and his family background would do nothing to the company.." his father took of his glasses and rested them on the table and  pinched the bridge of his nose. "..your Mae had to make a choice and she chose me..and so i did everything to make it up to her.."

To Beam, it sounded like his father was the charity case and he didn't get how it was okay with his Pa.

"But in the end..she still left you..for him.."

Mr. Wongphiphat shook his head.

"No son, I let her..she found out where he was and how he was and she trusted me enough and told me, she didn't keep secrets from me..and i let her..and in the end, she came back."

"But why would you do that? Why would you let her go?"

He Pa took a deep breath. "I believe it's called love."

"I don't understand..that's love to you?"

"You can't let go of what was never even yours in the first place..Beam, love is not rude, love is not selfish..the kind of love that i know does not demand to be loved back.."

Beam pondered this for a moment. He took it all in. And again, he started to hate himself for blaming his parents of the things they couldn't control. He blamed them. By not telling him the truth, he grew up believing in lies.

He lost his mother first. Because he blamed her for his brokenness. Because he lost a complete family. Because she left. When she died, he blamed himself for not telling her he was sorry. And then he lost his father in the course of his grief. He forgot that he was also grieving and that between the two of them, his father was hurt more than him. Because he loved her truly,  it did not mean Beam didn't love her, he just loved her differently.

If only he could have listened to them then, they wouldn't be having this conversation right now. He was so stupid for blaming things on them, they were only trying to be obey his grandparents. And he's impressed of how positive his Pa looks at love and even if he understood the decisions he had made, he couldn't bring himself to agree with him completely.

"Love does not demand to be loved back.." He mused. "..But that doesn't mean it exists to be taken for granted.." he said after a long pause but his Pa smiled at him.

"She didn't take me for granted, she was my best friend, she loved me in her own way..and she loved you very much.."

And again Beam got quiet. Thinking of what he said just now. It startled him that something like that came out of his mouth. It's all coming back to him now, he took Forth for granted when he tried to help the very first time. He took Forth for granted when he decided to stay with him since then but he kept pushing him away. He took Forth for granted because he was too caught up living in guilt of the past that he didn't see that there was someone willing to sail dangerous waters with him. He took Forth for granted because he was self absorbed. He took Forth for granted because he kept living in the past and he believed he wasn't worthy of the next chapters of his life.

And that night Beam came back to his room after he had bid his father goodnight, because he couldn't take all the information at once, his mind filled with new things he had learned and this new things led him to know that their are different ways to love someone and he was one of those persons lucky enough that the person he loves reciprocates the feeling. What he knew then was only the tip of the iceberg and now he knew everything and all the hurt he felt all those years was nothing compared to what his Pa had felt from the very beginning. And now he felt selfish and inconsiderate and ungrateful and he wished Forth was here to make it all go away.

He lied awake, tossing and turning in his bed until the crack of dawn. Everything felt different. The bed seemed too large and cold and every corner of his room held that nostalgia of his childhood memories, both positive and negative.

He missed Forth too, but he tried avoiding his calls because he didn't want to let him know that he's not okay at the moment. He didn't want him to hear the empty 'I'm fine' from him. He allowed himself to take Forth for granted one last time.

This time two days ago, Forth almost thought that he was breaking up with him and the confusion almost turned into a drama scene when Forth almost freaked out. And this memory forced a smile on his lips. He misses him more.

[FLASHBACK TO TWO DAYS BEFORE]

'Why are you packing?!' Forth asked as he stopped midway through the door carrying breakfast for them.

'I just need to go somewhere.' Beam was too busy packing that he missed the alarmed look on Forth's face.

'Where?' He slowly walked over from the door.

'Home.'

'Are you coming back?'

'Why wouldn't i?'

'So..you're not breaking up with me?'

'What?—Oh..Oh..Of course not! Why would i even..' he sighed instead, dissapointed at himself that he didn't told him a little earlier.

'I thought..'

'Why would you even think —'

'You were acting strange for two days and you weren't talking to me twenty minutes ago and then i walk in on you packing..Can you blame me?!

'Oh..' Beam's face dropped and he reluctantly walked over to Forth who stood by the couch at the right side of the bed. His pale hands cupped the face of his forlorn looking boyfriend.

'I'm sorry if that's what came to your mind..it was a sudden decision and i was supposed to tell you but you were already asleep last night and i didn't..it's— why are you smiling?' Beam asks instead, his face confused when Forth's face almost lit up.

'I'm waiting for you to kiss me since your hands are cupping my face..' Forth grinned and sighed but instead of kissing Forth, Beam pinched his cheeks.

'Oww!! Is that how you say sorry now?' Forth asked while he caressed his cheeks, his head cocked to the side with that grin still on his face. Beam turned back to packing his clothes.

'How can i leave you when you can't even stay mad at me for longer than five minutes? You make me feel cruel.'

Forth snorts. 'How can i stay mad when you're that cute?'

'I know right..' Beam mumbled playfully and Forth squints his eyes, the breakfast in his hands forgotten.

'Hey...You still have to kiss me..'

'Hmm..Maybe later..'

Twenty minutes later, Beam found himself being squished in a tight hug by his boyfriend after he told him about the phone call and what Auntie Jade must have meant. Forth had slid his arms into Beam's waist and interlocked his hands on his tummy. His face planted on Beams neck, inhaling the scent.

"Are you sure i can't come?"

"We've talked about this Forth. I won't take long..just a night or two.." came Beams's soft voice. It was hard for him too but he had to face this alone. No more running or denying the truth.

"That long?"

"It's not that long..i need to come back here early..i have things to do." Beam pats Forth's interlocked hands.

"Hmm." He started nibbling on Beam's neck and then planted soft kisses. Beam gritted his teeth so prevent a moan from escaping his mouth. It was ticklish but he knew what Forth was doing.

"You know that's not gonna work Forth..i told you, you can't co—hmm!" An indignant sound came from his throat when Forth bit his earlobe and finally kissed his cheeks and let go.

"It was worth a try.." he said, walking towards the bed, hiding his pout.

Beam scowled as he placed a hand on the part where Forth was nibbling a while ago.

"You dum—If this leaves a mark i swear I'm going to kick you in the face!"

Forth winks.

[END]

At Breakfast, Beam was busy picking on the diced veggies on his stir fried pork and setting them aside on his square shaped plate.

His father cleared his throat. "Did you sleep well? You don't look well rested."

He just hummed. Not in the mood to tell him why he couldn't sleep well last night.

"I forgot to ask something to you last night Beam.."

"Hmm?" but he didn't look up from his plate, dutifully picking out the carrots and peas. Simple tasks like these makes him miss Forth more because he was always the one picking out these things when he wasn't so busy forcing Beam to eat them instead.

"How are your friends..Pha and Kit?"

"They're fine." Being reminded of the people he misses back at the uni, especially Forth, makes him have a foul mood.

"Your other friend.."

"Wayo and Ming? They're also fine. You haven't met them yet but they're nice.." He was listless.

"Your other friend.."

And the word escaped his mouth before he can think. "Forth?"

"So that's his name.."

***************A/N: And we are down to one last chapter..?

Thank you for waiting.Don't forget to vote! Thanks.