Chapter 16

'People always say that when you love someone, nothing in the world matters. But that's not true. When you love someone, everything in the world matters a little bit more.'

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[One Year Ago]

Two years had passed since his Mae came back home. Nothing has changed since then. Beam still didn't talk to his parents except when it was really necessary. His mother still reached out to him just like his father did. But even if he missed them, he was still not ready for forgiveness. It still hurts for him to remember everything.

Beam was nineteen years old now. He and his friends Pha and Kit just took a college admission test for a Medical course to a famous university and were waiting for the result. It was summer and Beam stayed home most of the time. He hated Saturday now. It still reminded him of those memories. He don't even come out of his room on that day because he don't like seeing his parents.

His Mae was diagnosed with Lung cancer at it's second stage. He didn't know until a year ago when he noticed his Mae frequently visited the hospital with his Pa. He worried but didn't show it. This was the reason why his Pa made his Mae stay with them again, so she will be taken care of.

*Not long after they took their exam, the results came in and he and his two friends were accepted to the uni. They still have two months to prepare everything before the semester starts. He can't wait to get out of that house.

His parents got the news of course. They were very proud. His father gave him his white CR-V which he didn't refuse to accept.

He was inside his room reading a book about Medicine when his Mae peeked in his door after she knocked.

"Beam honey, do you want to spend the day with me ? I heard that you got accepted at the uni as Med student. I'm so proud of you sweetie."

Her Mae's voice was still as sweet as ever.

".........."

"Beam? Baby?"

He looked up from his book clearly annoyed of the person standing at his door. "Why do you even care? Why now?"

"Honey, i just want you to know that I'm proud of you."

"Alright. I get it. Please leave me alone now."

"Don't you want to be with me now? Let's go to the theme park. I know you're a big boy now but i just missed when we would go — " Beam cut her off.

"Can you stop pretending like you even care?! Please. Its really annoying. I just want to be alone. Go away."

She stepped out of the room and closed the door. She looked hurt but Beam didn't care.He just wants her out of his sight.

Spouting your stupid lies again. I know better now. Beam thought.

His Mae tried again the next day, she cooked his favorite and sent it to his room. He wasn't comfortable with her constant visit to his room.

"I know this is your favorite. Eat this okay?"

"......."

She sighed. "Okay, it seems you don't want to talk. I'll leave you alone then." Then she got up and went for the door.

No matter how annoyed he got with his parents, one thing he can never do is to yell at them even if he was quite distant.

"I wish you'd leave me alone forever." He mumbled. He wasn't sure if his Mae heard him or not.

He didn't know that one simple sentence will make him regret everything.

On the following night, his Mae was rushed to the hospital because of breathing problems. He wasn't home by that time because he was out the whole day looking for an apartment close to the uni.

His Pa called him in a cracked voice to tell him that his Mae had passed away not too long ago. His heart was thundering in his chest as he drove to the hospital so fast that as if the tires of his car don't touch the ground anymore. He ran up to his Mae's room and saw Phana's dad talking to his Pa who has sadness written all over his face.

He was panting so hard his head was spinning as he saw his Mae's lifeless body covered in white cloth. He didn't know what to feel as all kinds of emotions hit him at once.

For the first since his Mae came home he didn't hesitate to rush to his father and hug him. The older man was patting his head as he hugged him. He was sobbing. Everything was coming back. Nothing felt real at the moment.

*'Don't hide your feelings from the people you care about. If you wait too long to tell them, you might miss your chance.'

The last time they talked, he said something that can't be taken back anymore. Because she was gone, he can't ask for forgiveness now and he can no longer tell her that he forgave her.

Grief, resentment, guilt and anger to oneself has caused him to fall more depressed than he already was.

Now, he hated himself more. He should've just gave in and forgave her knowing her time alive was already near its limit. Because of his stubbornness he lost his chance. Even if he resented her and kept his distance, he still loved her deeply, because of how stupid he was, he was never going to move on now. He can't forgive himself.

After his Mae was cremated, he locked himself up in his room again. He couldn't think properly because very time he thought of his Mae, the guilt just adds up again and the worst part is — she's all he thinks about and everything just comes in flashes and that what fucks him up more.

He forgave them. But he couldn't show it so he hid it from them as well as he hid it from himself. Even if he loves her and no matter how many thousand times he say it, she won't be alive to hear it. You can't love someone back to life, can you?

These memories and guilt all comes in flashes at once all the time and he's exhausted now. He just wants everything to stop. He wants an undisturbed sleep.

He went down to the kitchen and sneaked in alcohol to his room.

He was halfway finished with the bottle when an idea popped on his head.

'I wonder what happens when i take my medicine tablets with alcohol? Maybe everything will stop and i can finally sleep in peace. Sleep forever.'

*

'That's it i guess. Just go on living whether you feel like it or not.'

He woke up. Looked around and realized he was in an unfamiliar room. It was all covered in white from the walls to the ceiling. Then he saw Pha half lying - half sitting on a couch playing with his phone and Kit was asleep. It was a private room.

Pha noticed him and tapped Kit who woke up right away.

"How are you feeling?" Asked Kit with a concerned look. He just looks concerned but deep inside Kit is dying to smack his head.

"Thirsty .."

Kit hepled him drink water while Phana phoned the nurse station informing them that the patient is conscious now.

"You're okay now right?" Kit asked after he finished drinking.

He pressed a button to shift his bed so he can rest his back while he half sit - half layed down. "Yeah. I think so."

"So what the fuck was that about huh?!  What, you plan to ditch your friends before Med school?" Kit scolded him in gritted teeth. It's like he exploded after he was sure Beam was feeling okay.

"I don't remember what happened Ai'Kit." Beam shook his head lightly.

Kit's had this confused and annoyed face while Phana rolled his eyes before explaining.

"Dad said you took three sleeping tablets while you were intoxicated. Uncle found you in your room and immediately rushed you here. It was a good thing he was home early and went to check on you, you dumb idiot." Phana stared at him in his pissed look. He and Kit were both concerned about him that much.

"Oh. How long was i out for?"

Kit checked his wrist watch before answering. "Almost 48 hours now. Are you hungry?" Kit was both concerned and pissed at him.

It was just then he realized that he is so damn hungry. He wasn't eating properly even before he got hospitalized and it's taking all his strength now.

Pha and Kit stayed with him for a little while after he finished eating. They talked about how life will be like when they start freshman year. Beam will still attend Med school with his friends. He decided that he needs a change in environment. Maybe he would be okay somehow.

*

[Present]

Forth can't believe everything he just heard. He was more worried now. Especially when his messages to Beam were still left unread.

"I need to find him now. I just can't sit here and wait. What if he's not okay?" He fished out his keys from his pockets and was ready to leave.

"But we don't know where he is. We have to trust him. He promised he'd never do it again. Beam would never lie to us, right Ai'Pha?" Said Kit, he trusted Beam but he's still worried because he was unpredictable at times.

"Now that i think about it, why would Beam run away like that? What did you do Ai'Forth?" Pha was calm but he has his eyebrows raised at Forth. He has a point. Why would they overreact like that if they don't even know what they should be worried about.

Everyone's eyes was on Forth.

"I think he was running away from me. Last time we talked he suggested that we should not see each other again. Then i saw his car outside my faculty building."

Forth's answer also answered the questions in Pha and Kit's head. That's why Beam was always extra observant when they were outside. He was expecting Forth to appear like he always did. Kit guessed right.

"And you obeyed him? I thought you were serious about him? Why did you give up like that?" Pha's voice was calm but he sounded like he was accusing Forth of not being sincere about his friend. His stare wasn't helping either.

Wayo gently squeezed his boyfriend's hand to stop him from losing his cool which might result for the two sophomore moons to have a heated argument.

Kit sat on the couch armrest while dialling Beam. Ming was leaning his head near his boyfriend's waist while internally preparing himself if ever these two senior of his decided to get physical.

"You don't understand. I wasn't going to stop that easily .. I just —

*knock knock knock*

They all turned their attention to whoever was knocking.

"Ai'Kit?! You there?! Open up!"

"BEAM!"

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A/N: I don't know if the next chapter would make you happy but let's try to be positive okay? 😅😉

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