Chapter 3

For half an hour, or almost an hour, Armin kept you close to him. Hugging you tight. Your head was on his chest, and both of you were silent, you didn't say shit and he didn't say it either. It felt so weird in a way. He just gave you the best orgasm of your life in one of Jean's hookup rooms and how he was being all emotional and it hurt. Your heart was still hurting somehow. It wasn't enough, no matter how good he was with his tongue or how many times he said he was sorry. IT WAS NOT ENOUGH. And he knew that.

                                                                                                                       ***

The ride back to your dorm was weirdly quiet. You didn't expect him to drive you back to the dorm, not after all the shit that happened tonight.

It felt in a way... weird, not awkward, just heavy. Like your skin still remembered his hands and your lips still felt bruised from all the kissing and your brain couldn't stop spinning no matter how many times you blinked. Armin kept one hand on the wheel, the other drumming on his thigh like he didn't even notice he was doing it. He wasn't looking at you. Not like before. Not like when you both got stuck in the weed closet. Now he looked tired. Or maybe scared. Or both. Sometimes Armin was hard to read. 

You didn't say anything. You didn't know how. It felt too soon to talk about what happened, but too late to pretend it didn't. So you sat there, in his car that smelled faintly like mint gum and regret, trying to remember why you were mad at him. You had reasons. Good ones. You were sure of it. But right now, all you could think about was how warm he felt when he held you and how fucked it was that you still wanted more. That you wanted him to fuck the sadness and pain out of you.

He cleared his throat, real quiet, like he was trying not to scare the moment away. "Hey," he said, voice rough. "Just so you know... I don't regret it."

You turned to look at him, and for the first time he met your eyes. "Any of it and i liked it, a lot" he added. "Not the kiss. Not... that." A muscle in his jaw twitched. "I just... I'm terrified."

That part, the last one, he whispered. Like it physically hurt to say out loud.

"Why?" you asked, and even you were surprised how steady your voice sounded.

He huffed a breath, almost a laugh but not really. "Because it was you," he said, eyes flicking back to the road. "Not some girl I won't text tomorrow. Not a fuckup I can drink away. It was you. And I don't get a do-over if I screw this up."

You looked out the window for a second, because his words hit you like a punch in the chest. You wanted to scream that he already screwed up. That he left you hanging for years. That he made you feel like a backup plan. You wanted to say it, but it felt old now. Dull and distant and stupid, compared to the way he touched you like he meant it. 

"I was mad at you," you said instead, quietly.

"I know." He sounded miserable. "You should be." His expression was sad, his eyes way too blue and kind of watery probably because it was late, really late, and all you wanted to do was to bury your face in the crook of his neck and stay there in his arms until it felt safe. But you couldn't.

"I still kinda am."

"Good."

That made you blink. "Good?" 

He nodded once. "Because if you weren't, it would mean you didn't care. And I'd rather you hate me than feel nothing."

" I don't hate you Armin... I could never do that" You said softly, looking at him, " I just... yeah Its complicated " If you continued you knew tears will start falling so you stopped. It was better this way.

You stared at your hands in your lap, fingers still shaky, your body still humming from the closeness, the warmth of him, the everything. You were wearing his hoodie. You didn't even remember putting it on. Maybe he'd helped you. Maybe it just happened.

He pulled up in front of your dorm, finally. The car went into park, but he didn't turn it off. Just sat there, engine still on. You both just sat in silence

"Do I get to see you tomorrow?" he asked, not looking at you now. "Like... actually see you? Talk to you? Or are we pretending this didn't happen?" His voice broke and he looked down, inhaled and closed his eyes for a moment.

You swallowed. It would be easier to pretend. To ghost him. To text some dry little "thanks for the ride" and go back to how things were before. But you couldn't do that. Not anymore. Not when it felt so right. His lips kissing yours, his hands on your body. It was too late to pretend it didn't fucking happen and you didn't even want to pretend it didn't. It did happen and it felt so, so right it hurt.

"I don't know what this is," you said honestly. "But I'm not pretending it didn't happen. I don't even want to..."

He nodded, slow. "Okay"

You reached for the door handle, hesitated. "You could've kissed me before," you whispered. "All those times. You had chances."

"I know," he said, almost pained. "But I was scared then too. Still am."

And you believed him. You really did. Which might've been the most dangerous part. What if he lied? what if he used you and your feelings? used your vulnerability against you? What if? It hurt to think about it so you just decided to ignore. You loved him, fucking loved him more than anything, all those years. But what if... you hoped for nothing? What if it was all a dream, too good to be true. And if it was a dream, you didn't want to wake up from it.

You didn't kiss him goodbye. You didn't hug him either. You just opened the door, stepped out, and before you closed it, you leaned down and said one last thing.

"See you tomorrow, Armin."

His eyes snapped to yours like it caught him off guard. Like maybe he didn't expect to get a tomorrow with you.

"Yeah," he said, breathless. "Tomorrow."

Then you shut the door, heading to your room and for the first time in a long time, your heart didn't hurt as much.

                                                                                                                       ***

You woke up with a headache and the worst kind of emotional hangover. Not from alcohol- from him. From his voice in your ear, his hoodie still wrapped around you like a souvenir you didn't ask for. From the way your body kept remembering every second like it was burned into your skin. And maybe it was. You touched your shoulder, where he left the mark and it remembered you that it was real and it did happen, that you were not fucking crazy.

You were supposed to be mad. Maybe you still were. But all you could think about was Armin saying "I liked it, a lot," like it physically pained him to admit it. You'd never seen him look like that. Not when he was high. Not when he was drunk. Not even back then, when he used to glance at you like maybe he wanted something more but always kept his mouth shut.

Sasha remained at Jean's with Connie, and Historia went home for the weekend. It was quiet and you appreciated it. You didn't need any consolation from them right now, even if they meant well, even if both cared about you a lot.

Your phone buzzed. Twice.

Armin: are you awake

Armin: i know it's early. i just... are you okay?

You stared at the screen for a long minute. Then another.

 Armin: Are you okay? The answer felt like a shrug you didn't have the energy to give.

You didn't reply right away. You got up. Brushed your teeth. Threw water on your face until you almost felt human and put a little make up on, just so you won't feel as miserable. His hoodie was still on you and for some reason you didn't take it off. It was like he was there with you, or you were in his arms. It smelled like him and like his cologne.

You: i'm okay. just tired.  You answered after an hour, or maybe more.

Armin: yeah. me too.

Armin: can i come by later? we don't have to talk if you don't want. i just wanna see you.

You should've said no. You should've said you needed space, or time, or anything normal people say when they're feeling like shit, when too much happens. But you didn't.

You: yeah, okay. No emoji. No heart. Just that. He didn't answer, but maybe he didn't have to.

You sat there on your bed, knees pulled to your chest. Everything still felt like too much. The air. The silence. The fact that Armin was Armin and you weren't over any of it, not really.But at least now you weren't pretending anymore.

You didn't clean up, except for the small amount of makeup you applied. Didn't fix your hair or change or even take off his hoodie.

You told yourself it was because you were tired. But maybe it was more than that. Maybe you wanted him to see you like this- raw and fucked up. Just the girl he left behind and the one he held last night. 

When the knock finally came, you almost didn't answer. You stood in the middle of your room, heart racing like a fucking idiot, just staring at the door. 

He knocked again. Softer this time. Like he was scared you changed your mind.

You opened it. And there he was. Armin. Hair a mess. An old black hoodie on. That same look in his eyes that made your chest ache, like he wanted to say a thousand things but didn't know how to start a single one. Like he was scared of saying too much or not enough. Even like this he looked so pretty.

"Hey," he said, voice quiet, almost shy.

You stepped aside without saying anything and let him in.

He walked in like he didn't know where to stand. Just hovered by your desk for a second, hands in his pockets, looking at everything except you.

"This feels weird " he said eventually. "Being here. After... last night."

You shrugged, arms crossed, trying to keep yourself from going crazy. "Yeah. It does."

There was a pause. Heavy. Thick.

"I didn't sleep" he said suddenly. "Kept thinking about what you said. About how I had chances. All those times. And I just... didn't take them and... I kept thinking about you"

You sat on the edge of your bed, eyes on the floor. "Yeah, well. That's kinda the story of us isn't it?"

He flinched like you slapped him. "I know" he whispered. "And I hate that. I hate that I made you feel like a backup plan. Or like you weren't enough. You were always enough. I just..."

He stopped, rubbed the back of his neck like it physically hurt to admit it.

"I was a coward" he said finally. "Still am, probably."

You looked up at him your throat on fire, "You hurt me." 

"I know."

"Like really fucking hurt me." You felt your eyes watery, and you wanted to smash your head into a wall right now. It was not the moment to be weak.

"I know," he said again, voice cracking. "And I'm sorry. I've been sorry for a long time. I just didn't know how to say it until last night. And even then, I think I fucked it up."

You stood. Slowly. Walked over until you were standing in front of him, just inches away.

He looked down at you, eyes glassy and blue and full of something that made your knees feel weak.

"You didn't fuck it up" you said softly. "Not yet anyway." He exhaled like he'd been holding his breath for years. You could see that he was also stressed about it.

"I'm still mad" you said.

"I know."

"I don't trust you. Not completely. I can't do that yet"

"I don't blame you."

"But..." You hesitated for a while "I don't want to lose this. Whatever this is. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and pretend I don't want you."

His lips parted like he was about to say something, but you reached out and grabbed the front of his hoodie, just lightly, just enough to anchor yourself.

"I don't want you to fix everything," you said. "You can't. But I need to know you're not just gonna disappear again""Please... don't leave me again Armin"

He covered your hand with his, so gently it almost hurt.

"I'm here" he said. "I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere."

You didn't kiss him. You just leaned your head against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around you like you were something precious. Like if he held you too tight, you'd shatter, but if he let go, he'd lose you forever. And indeed, it was like that.

But you were in his arms, and it was all that mattered.

Jesus I'm sorry it's so angsty but I just like a slow burn sometimes, even if this wasn't slow at all, but like a lot of emotions involved LIKE LOVE AND SHIT LIKE THAT.

Hope y'all liked it and don't forget to vote <3. Moot me on discord reeas.1