your ego is bigger than my will to live

[!¡]

— Argh... Dew! Get off me!

In response, the latter only tightened his grip, making Phuwin hiss even more. Seriously? Trying to push him off, Phuwin rolled his eyes at his best friend's antics, it wasn't even like they hadn't seen each other just two days ago, so why was he so clingy? Dew has always been someone who's love language was skinship, and Phuwin has always been someone who disliked skinship. They were so different, it was impressing to see how they still managed to create such a sincere bond between them.

They met three years ago, in high school, for a group project. It immediately clicked, even with their opposite personalities. When Dew was more the type to be all social butterfly, Phuwin preferred his calm. Even if, when we knew him, he was just as bad.

Three years later, they were simply inseparable.

— Enough Dew! snapped Phuwin for the hundred times, hitting his chest with a force his friend clearly was acclimated to.

The latter groaned, hissing, before finally pulling away and letting Phuwin get on his feet. Dew was taller and stronger, whenever he was going for a hug, he couldn't help but take Phuwin off the ground, and it always made the latter feel too small, but also too warm. Dew was like his second family, when his own home felt like it was always so cold, he was there, holding too tight but assuredly. Phuwin never admitted how Dew was the only one whose touch was tolerable. Otherwise, he always felt an insane ick whenever other people tried being touchy.

He was like that, difficult to approach, but a whole new person when the walls were down.

— Let's head inside, the meal is ready I think.

— I bought some wine.

Dew's face lit up, before Phuwin raised the bottle he kept hidden in his bag for him.

— Gosh, you got the Bordeaux one, my favorite, thank you sweetie.

Phuwin only smiled in response, leading the way as if it was his own house he was walking into. He already came before, some days after school, but he never really stayed over, he wasn't exactly keen on doing sleepovers. This vacation, he just knew he wanted anything but to stay with his family for a whole month.

They approached the living room, as huge and opulent as every villa he ever got the chance to visit, and settled directly on the sofa, which was twice the size of his bed. Phuwin never really took the time to admire how lavish the place was, he didn't exactly care, but it was indeed crazy how beautiful the place was, how comfortable it seemed to be, living in those walls. There was a whole pool in the garden that was probably a whole hectare itself, and a hundred rooms upstairs. Dew asked him if he wanted to share his room or he could take any in the mansion, and maybe because Phuwin wasn't used to all of this, he simply decided to settle in his best friend's room, claiming he might get lost in this place. Which, honestly, could happen.

— What are you watching? he asked, looking at the 4K plasma-screen paused on a show with Korean actors.

Dew was a sucker for k-drama, he always tried to make Phuwin watch some with him, recommending everything and anything even when they both knew Phuwin would never watch it. I'll watch it one day, he always said, and both knew it was a lie.

But since Phuwin was staying for the month, it might be Dew's time to shine.

He replied excitedly:

— I was watching the last season of Squid Game before you arrived. With my- Where even is he?

Phuwin observed his friend turn his head sideways, then behind, then almost everywhere, before making eye-contact with a maid passing by—yes, they were wealthy to the point of having maids and housekeepers. It was definitely uncommon for Phuwin, which somehow, always managed to make him slightly uncomfortable. Maybe it was because their lifestyles were so different. Phuwin wasn't poor but wasn't rich either, he always felt a bit too small whenever he was getting stuck with Dew in a world he clearly didn't belong to. It felt off.

Even if Dew never made him feel like he wasn't enough for any reason. Especially, for not having the same lifesavings as him.

— Teng? Do you know where my brother is?

The maid stopped in her tracks, and Phuwin offered her a polite smile with a bow when they made eye contact. She seemed surprised to see an unfamiliar face here but didn't say a thing and kindly greeted him. Phuwin bit his tongue hoping his friend had at least the courtesy to let his family know he was coming for the holiday, knowing Dew, it was possible he didn't even bother, which would make Phuwin feel even more uncomfortable.

— I thought he was with you just a minute ago... Well no, I didn't see him, sorry Mister.

Dew sighed but thanked her, and she took her leave with an apologetic smile. Phuwin tried not to react too much before making sure she was out of sight as she was heading to the kitchen, but the moment they were left alone again, he almost shouted:

— She calls you Mister?!

The surprise in his voice made Dew raise his eyebrows as he processed.

— Well yeah, since birth.

— Since birth? Phuwin sounded like he was about to faint.

Dew rolled his eyes, making himself comfortable on the sofa, taking the remote in his hands. He shrugged his shoulders.

— It's a rule in the house, my parents are making sure it's respected, I don't really have a word for it. I would rather she calls me by my name too, as I consider her as my aunt, but she can't. So yeah.

— Damn, your parents are one hell of dictators.

Dew laughed wholeheartedly. Even if Phuwin already came here before, he never actually met Dew's parents. They were working most of the time, or on flight abroad, and Dew always joked about them never being home anyway to see his crap.

— You can't even imagine.

He played the show, and in a matter of minutes, their meals were served on the sleek designer glass cocktail table, which made Phuwin thank the maids at least five times before Dew hit him to stop. He really wasn't used to letting other people do things for him, it was making him feel too uncomfortable.

Just when the maids were about to go and Dew about to eat, to hell the show they were barely watching anymore as they were engaged in a very captivating discussion about Dew's ex situationship, a voice came up loud and clear from behind, shutting them for a second.

— Eh, look who's here, Mr. Iceman.

Phuwin raised an eyebrow as he turned his head, suddenly caught up with a voice he felt like he already heard. But not really. When his eyes hit the coffee-colored ones of a guy as tall as Dew, and definitely taller than himself, Phuwin was surprised to recognize this face.

— The annoying guy from last time! he exhaled out loud, without any ounce of care.

— Gosh, you and your tact never fail to amaze me. What are you even doing here? Don't tell me you're the friend my brother keeps yapping about like he's in love with you or something cause... he took a glance at Dew, walking to them, before rolling his eyes. Yeah, it's definitely you.

There was a certain annoyance in his voice, or maybe Phuwin was reading it wrong, because the guy ended up smirking all amused. He reached their level in a matter of seconds, as Dew was looking between his older brother, and his best friend, confused.

— You guys know each other?

Before Phuwin could even open his mouth, the guy replied with a mischievous tone, raising his eyebrows at him.

— Of course we do, Phuwin right? and his own name felt weird on those lips. The guy who can't take a joke apparently.

Phuwin forbade himself to roll his eyes. He didn't exactly want to get in trouble with his best friend's brother knowing he would spend the following weeks here. It would be such a shame to create any tension, though Pond didn't seem to be tense at all.

He looked relaxed, decontracted.

For once, Phuwin decided to act a bit tactful, which wasn't his strong suit at all.

Dew still seemed lost.

— We met at the bar for Tee's birthday, clarified Phuwin with a neutral tone. This guy claimed he was searching for you by calling you a "slut-sex-deprived-guy-with-bad-taste-in-man" and with my level of alcohol in blood, I might have wanted to kill him.

— You slapped my shoulder, and hard. That's called abuse.

— I was aiming at your face, be happy you're so tall.

Dew's brother's laugh suddenly resonated, clear and sincere, the sound so honest it almost felt like he wasn't taking this conversation too seriously, despite his tone and accusation. Phuwin raised an eyebrow, curious then unbothered, before shrugging. It was a surprise that the guy standing in front of him was Dew's brother, but forced to say, side by side, they clearly looked alike. Even their personalities seemed to match.

Dew laughed too, amused by their dynamics, and simply claimed:

— Well, good thing I don't have to do presentations.

— With how much you talk about him, yeah you don't.

Dew threw him a pillow on his face, still laughing, while Phuwin, thinking the conversation was over, reached for the chopstick on the table, his stomach growling for the mouthwatering home-made sushi in front of them. A groan escaped him when the tall figure in front of them decided to dive by his side, telling him to scoot over.

— And by the way, he continued as if he wasn't annoying the hell out of Phuwin, "this guy" has a name, okay? I clearly remember telling you my name that night.

— Really? Can't seem to remember it.

Phuwin wasn't even joking, he couldn't remember anything about him except his smug face and how annoying his voice sounded into his ears that night.

When the guy beside him seemed to realize there was no joke, he jolted dramatically, offuscated.

— How can you even forget it? I'm not someone forgettable at all!

Phuwin glanced at his best friend, ignoring the fire he ignited beside him. Dew catched his annoyed eyes and already bit his lower lip to prevent another laugh, he knew this look by heart.

— Don't tell me your brother is as arrogant as you are please, I can't stand two narcissistic perverts at once, he sighed.

— Don't get it wrong, Win. He's worse.

— Oh God...

— I'm still here you goddamn gremlins!

Phuwin and Dew glanced at each other once more, and it was all it took for them to burst into laughter. Actual, gut-wrenching, laugh. They were basically clenching their stomachs at some point.

Dew's brother really seemed offuscated, which was oddly delectable. If Phuwin tried being tactful just a few seconds ago, now, he couldn't have cared less. It wasn't like the guy had been very memorable last time he saw him.

— Tss. And I thought you were cute that night... Bullshit. He can't even remember that my name is Pond.

Phuwin felt his body tensed up immediately and his eyes widening. He shot a glare right back, not used to hearing those words addressed to him. His laugh turned into a choked breath, as their eyes met for the second time, he looked almost sincere.

— What? muttered Phuwin in disbelief.

— You deaf?

Why did he look like he was suddenly sulking? Phuwin spared him a glance a second too long, before rolling his eyes, deciding to ignore his words. Dew's brother was probably just the type of guy to say things like that, without thinking, it really didn't need to mean anything. And even Dew confirmed it after they calmed themselves down, leaning slowly by his side.

— Don't worry, he whispered, he likes to play the tough guy and tease everyone. I don't think he even knows how to speak normally, absent parents and all, you know?

Phuwin laughed at the sarcasm. Dew knew exactly how to make the bestest jokes to forbid him from overthinking. And to be fair, he had nothing to be guilty about anyway. Who couldn't take a joke now, uh?

They ate in great silence, their attention captivated by the screen. It wasn't as bad as Phuwin thought after all, even if he barely understood what was happening, or any backstories. It was entertaining. Superficial, but entertaining. The food was also probably essential for the show to hit this good, since those sushis were excellent. Phuwin was convinced it was exactly how they'd do it in Japan, he just couldn't prove it.

By the time the episode came to an end, one hour later and some change, Pond suddenly decided to rise from the sofa, stretching himself before stealing the remote. He left the current show for the Netflix homescreen, and glared at his brother who was already yelling what was wrong with him. Phuwin watched them in silence. Honestly, he was feeling low in energy right now, the aftermath of eating too much finally hitting.

— You guys are not watching the next episode without me, we clear?

— Fuck off, Pond, the fuck? Why would we wait for you? We're not under your dicta-

— Shut up minimoys, or I show him the letter you wrote f-

— OKAY! OKAY grandmaster! I promise not to continue the series without you! Ô my beautiful brother Po-

— Suck my dick while you're at, Pond said, rolling his eyes and Dew almost felt like puking.

— That's disgusting you motherfucker!

When Pond's eyes suddenly shifted on Phuwin, without transition, the latter couldn't escape noticing how his expression seemed way more serious than earlier, because until now, Dew's brother only looked unhinged and devoid of some basic human decency.

— You too, promise you won't watch it without me.

— Why? immediately replied Phuwin, not exactly understanding why he was trying to pick some fights right now—he never was the type to. You don't own my actions.

— Don't play, Phuwin Tangsakyuen.

— Damn, you even know my full name? Crazy. You have a better memory than me.

Pond rolled his eyes, sensing the sarcasm from their earlier conversation. He opened his mouth, but changed his mind almost immediately, shaking his head from left to right. It seemed like he wanted to add something, but forbid himself to do so. Phuwin realized he seemed in a rush somehow and the curiosity almost got his tongue. He bit it at the very last second.

Pond turned to his little brother once again, his face looking bored now. Phuwin was amazed to notice how expressive he could be. He was so easy to read, unlike himself.

— Keep an eye on him, alright? I said no next episodes without me or I will show him that l-

— I get it, oh God! Just go away! He wouldn't even watch it if I wasn't forcing him, get out!

— Oh? he raised an eyebrow, surprised.

Dew mocked him with a laugh and a smirk.

— He doesn't like k-dramas, a miracle he didn't even complain once. He was just teasing you right now.

Phuwin smiled amused when Pond turned to him.

— You know how to tease now, Iceman?

— You know how to take a joke now, Bailey?

Pond laughed with a sincerity that was quite hard to believe. He looked so unserious most of the time.

— If it's a reference to A Dog's Purpose, I'm definitely marrying you.

— Yeah, you look like a fucking golden retriver, claimed Phuwin without caring if it looked like an insult or not.

— You didn't deny my proposal, simply replied Pond with a smirk covering half of his face, he was indeed such a tease.

Phuwin rolled his eyes, he really couldn't take him seriously at all.

Before he could even answer anything, Dew interrupted them by throwing another pillow at his brother's face, earning a groan from him as he was still staring at Phuwin.

— You are NOT marrying my best friend, get out! You're gonna be late.

— It's still my house, ungrateful brat!

But Pond bent down, picking up the cushions, before taking out his phone out of the pocket of his black hoodie, a notification resonating in the air. His expression changed, finally growing some hurry inside of him, and Phuwin watched him heading to the stairs without another word.

What a storm he was.

Dew sighed with despair, and Phuwin simply let himself melt into the sofa. He was still curious though, he couldn't help it now that they talked a little.

So when Pond finally left, after some more minutes changing himself upstairs and grabbing a bag twice his size, Phuwin turned to his best friend with the eyes of a man who got the curiosity of a newborn cat.

— Where is he going?

— Training, replied Dew with a passive tone, as if he was used to answering this question. He joined the basketball team of the city last year, he's good. Very good. Since he can't go to the training in the morning because of his tutoring sessions, he has to go in the afternoon.

Phuwin seemed even more surprised.

— He got tutoring sessions even if school's over?

After all, just a few days ago, Phuwin and Dew were saying goodbyes to their senior year, graduating successfully with their GED in their pocket, and a tone of congratulations from friends, professors, and families. They both ended up having a very good mention, and were also the only students who scored the bestest among all the classes. Now, they were basically sure to enter a good reputed university, which Phuwin and Dew still hesitated to head.

They hadn't talked about it, but they were both feeling so lost now that high school was over. They didn't know what to do with their lives, the future was a long path ahead of them that neither knew how to walk on. As if whatever paths were fogged.

Even when they both seemed to have a family's business to handle eventually, one working better than the other, Phuwin couldn't help but grow insecure as if he could afford taking the risk to take after a small business that was coming to an end anyway. His dad's investment wasn't doing exactly well compared to Dew's.

— He's not the one getting tutored, Dew laughed knowingly, he's the one tutoring.

— What? shouted Phuwin.

That was definitely surprising. Dew let out another laugh, his eyes drifting somewhere far as a proud smile grew on his face. Phuwin could clearly tell that even if he'd never said it, Dew probably admired Pond a lot, he was his older brother after all.

— Yeah, crazy isn't it? He looks all smug and deranged, but he still manages to do all that. I never understood why my parents never acknowledged his worth. They spend too much time on me while the real deal is probably Pond, no matter how bad of a mouth he has.

Phuwin didn't have the heart to laugh this time.

— What do you mean?

Dew sighed, raising his face on the ceiling that was so far away from the ground. It sometimes felt like the place was so huge it could swallow you alive and never give you back. Phuwin wondered some days if Dew ever felt that, just like him, too small in those too high walls, suffocating.

— Pond is... Well, you see how he is, right? Prideful, arrogant, self-assured and way too unhinged, he can't even keep his mouth shut, even when he knows it's necessary. And that, Win, my parents can't stand, they're a bit too... Conservative? Narrow minded? Uptight? And, oh well, dictators, like you said.

— That was supposed to be a joke.

— Well, bingo, you got it right first try.

Dew laughed but really, there was no humour in it. He still wouldn't look at Phuwin, he didn't even realize how serious he was being right now, he just felt like it, delivering a bit of his personal life to him. Phuwin always made him feel so understood, without even trying, even if their lives were so different, and at some point, also alike. It was like that between them since they met, Dew always found himself talking too much, effortlessly, about the most private part of his life, just because Phuwin made him feel seen and okay. Like everything was normal or everything was going to be okay. Even if it wasn't true.

It was enough.

It was enough.

— But even if Pond is all that, for sure, Dew continued with a low voice, he's also... So much more. He's so much more, Phuwin. They don't get it. How could they anyway? he added with a sad smile, his heart heaving for no reason, or maybe there were plenty. They were never there to see what he did for me when they couldn't be just present at my birthdays or christmas events or anything fucking important to me. You get it? They couldn't see how good of a brother he always was and that... sucks. It just sucks. I don't even know if they're aware their older son is juggling intense training, tutoring sessions, and being a single parent to me.

Again, Dew snorted out a sarcastic laugh, humourless, as Phuwin felt his chest tightened. He knew a bit about Dew's family, how it was complicated despite living in this huge palace where he never needed to complain about anything. Maybe that was what also sucked, since Dew had no 'real' reason to be mad at them, after all, they were providing everything they ever needed.

And most importantly, a roof under their heads.

An opulent one, what's more.

— They probably don't know anything anyway, concluded Dew, half laughing, half exhaling out his frustration.

Phuwin shifted his position, to be aligned with Dew's, and for a rare time, he was the one initiating a hug. Dew laughed thinking about how hard it must be for his friend to be the one initiating, but he let himself sink into his chest, without words, his eyes closing while he hummed Phuwin's comforting scent. He smelled like chamomile and honey, a fucking tea pot, thought Dew.

They stayed like this for a great moment, the silence as comfortable as their embrace, resting their hearts and heads against each other. Phuwin didn't exactly know what to say, or if he would have the right words, so he simply waited for his best friend to calm down. A little. And in that moment, it felt like that's all Dew needed anyway.

— I'm so dramatic, Win.

The latter only caressed Dew's hair gently.

— You're not.

— Only that? You're terrible at comforting.

— Get yourself another best friend then.

— Not in a million years would I do that.

They chuckled softly, and after a while, Dew finally pulled back a little, clearly not ready to let go. The sun was washing away in the white-blue sky, and the sheer open curtains against the open bay-window leading to the garden were moving slowly to the rhythm of the evening breeze.

Night was about to fall, and Dew seemed to have enough with the family trauma that he tried to keep family friendly. He kissed Phuwin's forehead, which made the latter groan, before rising up, stretching himself. He let out a small laugh as Phuwin narrowed his eyes at him, Dew was smiling sheepishly now.

— You're indeed cute, Iceman.

— Don't start.

He laughed and Phuwin turned off the TV before rising up as well.

— What are we doing? he finally asked which made Dew's smile grow wider, dangerous.

— What was the saying again? Friday means free drinks... or something.

— I don't think there was ever a saying like this, smiled Phuwin, knowing exactly what he meant.

— Oh? Really?

They laughed, hearts indeed lighter now, before heading upstairs, in Dew's room.

The night was still young after all.