14: Uncertain Trauma

You're standing in Levi's kitchen before you know it. He's busy situating your shoes in the coat closet, still loyal to routines even after near death. When he steps towards you, you begin festering an envy towards his indifference, wishing you could have come out of this ordeal without faltering. 

"Oi." He's snapping fingers in front of your eyes, yanking you out of your daze. "Go to the couch. We're going to talk." 

The sofa is a welcome respite for your body, adrenaline having sapped your muscles of a substantial amount of strength. You cram yourself against the couch's armrest, hugging your own torso.

Levi briefly vanishes into the other half of his house, allowing you time alone. There's several short moments of simply sitting on on the couch staring into silence, no fluent thoughts occupying your mind. Recollections of Kenny surface, and you're a small bundle as the feeling of the muzzle against your temple seems to ghost onto your skin. You rub the site, trying to clean the feeling off.

These memories are painful. They're fresh in your mind, stabbing you over and over with the horrors you had accidentally submerged yourself into. You had never intended for any of this to happen; you simply wanted to learn about Levi.

He would've just told you, he says. You didn't need to do any of this if you had just told him what you were up to in the first place. He might've been furious, yes, but he would've succumbed to your curiosity and indulged you in the history that you gleaned from Kenny. You didn't need to crawl so far into the rabbit hole, and you certainly didn't need to be the victim of a quarrel between a nephew and his wicked uncle. 

Levi returns, nimbly crossing to you. "You look miserable." 

"Just...tense," you breathe, picking at your fingernails in your lap. 

"That makes sense." He doesn't help to alleviate that any further, particularly not by the way he refuses to relax himself. He stands stiff with arms crossed, judging your response. "Still trembling?" 

"I'm fine." 

His eyes narrow, and his fingertip scratches his sleeve. "I'm not an expert in dealing with trauma. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with you." 

"I said I'm fine." 

He doesn't believe you. Shifting his weight onto one leg, he resumes his inspection. "Maybe you should talk to Miche. He's decent at handling—"

"Levi, really." A frown claims your expression, a statement to convey your determination. "I'll be okay. I just need some time to calm down." 

"Fine." He thrusts his hands into his pockets and begins a slow patrol across the floor. "Anyways, I'm not letting you off easy just because you're freaked out. You've really fucked up, and we're going to talk about it." 

"Um, okay."

As he passes by your profile, the air seems to grow colder. Guilt has come to replace terror, Levi to replace Kenny. It's next to impossible to catch a break around these vicious Ackermans. 

"You met with Kenny," he reiterates like a prosecutor detailing the crime. 

"Yes, I did."

"Why?"

You gaze out the enormous windows, Levi just slinking out of your vision as he steps behind the couch. The city is tiny from up here. Nothing can reach you in this tower, this castle of security far from the ravenous hands of wicked individuals like Kenny.

But the king of this castle is quite similar. Above the city or in it, you can't seem to find solace.

"Because I wanted to learn more about you." The truth escapes, finally. 

"Damn stalker." His voice is deep, permeating the air around your head. Pale hands spread across the sofa's backrest, Levi remaining directly behind you. "Why're you so desperate to learn about me?" 

"For...the presentation," you attempt, still staring at a distal skyscraper. 

"Yeah right." The cushion is choked under his livid fingers. "Stop lying, would you?" 

"I just—" You emit a scoff, beset by angry embarrassment. "I don't know. I wanted to learn about you. What else can I say?" 

His shadow is cast upon you, the professor like a looming monster. "Did you get what you wanted? How much did that shithead tell you?"

You drop your head, struggling to balance confession and secrecy. "Everything, I guess. Pretty much everything."

"Such as?"

Swallowing, you almost want to shut your eyes and block out the smothering threat above you. "Your time in school. What you were like as a kid. Your...your mother."

He scoffs, triggered by the subject. "Not one fucking detail left out, hm? You really squeezed him dry of information."

"I'm...I'm sorry." You cannot withstand being the guilty defendant in this villainous courtroom, withering away as Levi reinforces your sinfulness over and over. He has to stop lest you completely crumble from sheer guilt.

"Look," he murmurs as he lowers his weight to his elbows, his lips drawing even closer to your ear. "You've really wormed your way into my privacy. You're one of a very small group of people that know more about me than anyone else. Erwin and I have been acquainted for six years, and even he doesn't know as much as you do. Congratulations, intern."

"I'm sorry," you repeat fruitlessly, your voice a high whisper.

"I entrusted you with your own independence, and I decided against questioning what you were up to. This is the fucking result of that—I guess I learned my lesson." Slender hands sneak onto your shoulders, confident in exploring your body like it belongs to them. "I gave you too much freedom when I should've been making your leash tighter. Now I know."

"Levi." Your nerves freeze at the sensation of his fingertips, panic crashing through your body before rationality swiftly arrives to tackle the situation. "You can't...can't—"

"So that's what I'm going to do. I'm never getting complacent with you again." His palm drifts to your clavicle, anchoring itself on your chest with open fingers. "I should've known from the start you wouldn't stay in line. You never have."

"That—! I—get off—"

"You're my responsibility, intern." He spreads a hand across your neck, his palm atop your windpipe. "You've been under my wing this whole time. My command. You don't answer to Erwin, and you especially do not answer to Kenny. My orders are the only ones that matter. I intend to keep your loyalty firm from now on."

The feeling of such invasive hands holding you is twisted and frightening, and the words being murmured in your ear are warping your view of who Professor Levi is supposed to be. Whatever this man is doing to you, it's confusing, crude, and downright horrifying. You go to escape, to buck him off and step away, but the slightest jolt from your body turns his hands to immovable stone. Your torso presses against them and cannot budge an inch, alerting you of Levi's severity. He won't back down this time, the thought of which only worsens the horror lacing your veins.

"You're not going anywhere," he states with no hesitation as he smothers another attempt. Even as frantic hands grab at his wrists, he just braces his body and holds you stiffly. "And when you comply, when you obey, it's going to be much easier for you. You just need to stop fighting me, and you'll have nothing to fear. I promise, nothing."

"Get off!" You writhe under his hands, tugging on them with all your strength. Whatever safety he's promising feels pathetic and fake, and you refuse to listen to it. "Don't talk to me like that!"

"You don't have to be afraid of me. Kenny is the one to fear, not me." His posture relaxes, but his strength doesn't diminish. He's comfortable in this position until he gets what he wants. "I just need you to stay in line from now on. You have to remember who you're loyal to."  

"Levi," you whisper, squeezing his wrists. "This...this isn't right."

"Trifling with my uncle behind my back isn't right. Being a sneaky little shit isn't right." He's close to kissing your ear, unfettered by his intimate proximity. "And this? Yeah, my demand of you isn't right, either. My insistence on your loyalty is a breach of boundaries, easily." 

Fuck, so he's not blind to this! He's not oblivious to how invasive he's being. "Then—then why—"

"Have we ever stayed within our boundaries, though?" He educes shivers with that question, his breathy voice tickling your ear. "Haven't we been blurring lines since the start?" 

You've halted your fight without realizing, swamped in painful confusion. "...I didn't ask to get harassed like this."

"I didn't ask to have my life story uncovered. I've fucked with you, and you've fucked with me." He cocks his head, searching for your avoidant eyes. "Are we a normal mentor and intern?"

"Not at all," you admit, staring at the floor.

"Not at all." He lowers his might, testing your compliance. "We're nothing like you and Erwin—hell, we're nothing like me and Erwin. Whatever the fuck we're doing, it's far beyond the mundane bullshit students and professors and interns and mentors go through."

You don't know what to make of that. Whatever pedestal he's putting your relationship on, you're not certain of its label. He's admitting the peculiarity of your behavior and his, establishing how far from reality it has strayed. You two are abnormal; an enigmatic duo that acknowledges the flaws found within each other. 

"What are we doing?" You meet his eyes, holding your breath as you feel your faces close to touching. "What are...we?" 

His expression relaxes, and he gives a small shrug. "Oh, I don't know. I haven't devoted any time to figuring that out." 

"What?" His flippancy paired with your discomfiture is leaving your brain utterly absent of coherency. 

"I honestly have no idea. We're just not typical; that's all I know." His thumb drags along your neck, feeling the goosebumps on your skin. "I don't care about anything beyond that. All I need is my intern to promise her obedience to me. I need her to stay in line, like she should've been doing from the start." 

The tides of his viciousness are rising again, urging you away from the dangerous ocean. You don't take your gaze away, only swallowing quietly. 

"Are you going to do that?" he asks. "Do I have your loyalty?"

Your lips part even before words come to exit them. Does he? Does he get to continue with his intern, safe in the knowledge of her commitment to him? You don't know if he deserves that. 

The doorbell rings, startling you in Levi's arms. It actually does function, apparently. Levi tenses, his head snapping to the door. 

"Not a word," he commands as he slinks away from you, treading closer to the door. 

He's slow, disinterested in greeting the newcomer. He crosses so sluggishly, the person outside ends up ringing the doorbell again. The apartment is silent, just echoing the chime indicating whoever has arrived. 

You crane your neck to see Levi plaster his body against the entry door and lift his head to the peephole. He's quiet for a few moments before firing out a scoff. 

"Goddammit," he huffs as he swings the door open, already stomping back into the apartment and making the guest allow himself in. "Brace yourself, intern. The police have arrived." 

"The police?"

The police, as Levi calls the newcomer, is just Dr. Erwin Smith. He enters the space languidly as though he's familiar with the home, readjusting his necktie. You're noticed instantly, and he's certainly brewing thoughts about the intern curled up on her mentor's couch. 

"Dr. Smith," you greet shyly, huddling up even further. 

"You both are here," he says, glancing at Levi who's stationed himself behind the kitchen island. "I wasn't expecting that." 

Levi's grumpy, vexed with this unwelcome guest. "What do you need, Erwin?"

"I need to know why you both weren't at Paradis." Erwin doesn't skip a beat. "Why you asked for her apartment number, Levi, and why neither of you were answering your phones." 

Whoops. The pressure of battling a vicious family member hadn't given time to keep up with your phone. 

"Shit happened," Levi answers. He looks your way, then stiffens as he realizes how suspicious your position seems. "And it's not what it looks like. We haven't been—fuck, you know. We haven't—"

"I wasn't thinking that." Erwin's quick to interrupt, avoiding the subject. "All I do know is both a professor and his intern abruptly called out this morning with no explanation given. Plus, one of my TAs has previously reported some quarrels between you two during class."

"Armin needs to keep his little observations to himself," Levi mutters. 

"I'm just concerned. Knowing both of you, I'm quick to assume the worst." Erwin makes his way to the sofa, though keeps his suspicious eyes on Levi. "What's going on?"

"Just some bullshit," Levi reiterates. "It's been handled. You don't need to worry about anything." 

"I have to worry, Levi, and you know this." Erwin is an unshakable parent, a leader that doesn't falter in the face of denial. "If my two ex-interns are causing trouble, Paradis will label me as the common denominator. I can't afford that right now."

"Yeah, yeah. I know." Levi rolls his eyes, annoyed with Erwin's argument. "You and your damn reputation. We're not your children, you know."

"You're still representative of me, whether you want to be or not. Tell me what happened." 

Erwin's different than usual right now. He's not the amiable professor you've interned under, nor the charismatic department head that's favored by his peers. He's colder, almost matching Levi's level of insensitivity with how austerely he talks. There's no need for him to don a façade, not in the private company of his loyal subordinates. 

Levi seems to understand this. He understands Erwin's intentions, even if he finds them ridiculous. And, from how he intends to admit the truth to Erwin, it's clear that Levi follows Erwin's lead. He won't irritate the issue that Erwin is trying to smother. 

Dr. Erwin Smith, you have to admit, is one strangely powerful deity.

"First off, you're the jackass that directed my intern to the pawn shop without telling me." 

Well, Levi will follow Erwin, but he won't be polite about it. 

Such behavior seems allowed—Erwin's not startled by Levi's accusation, able to take such an attack proudly. "Is that what this is about? What happened at the pawn shop?"

"My uncle—he owns the place—attacked us," Levi explains. "There's a reason I never told you about him, and there's a reason my intern shouldn't have found out about him."

Erwin's quiet. 

"Anyways, we had a scuffle with him. He physically harassed her. I handled it. That's all."

Erwin looks back to you, reevaluating your expression with this new information. "Are you alright?" he asks, but it doesn't feel genuine. Even Levi's half-assed attempt at treating a trauma victim had more sincerity than this insipid question. 

"I'm fine," you respond. "I'm not hurt."

"Are you going to report him to the authorities?" Once vaguely evaluating your state, Erwin returns to Levi. 

"No, I can't." Levi slouches, trying to hide his despair. "I'm not going to."

"Understood." Erwin's too familiar with the way Levi handles conflict, and he takes no interest in changing his ex-intern's mind. Both these men are overlooking the typical response to a crime, simply sweeping it under the rug and letting all involved parties get away without issue. 

Why not, you ask yourself. Why won't he report his uncle? Loyalty to family? Levi's never struck you as devoted to his blood—except his mother—so you're skeptical of that reasoning. The encounter was fully Kenny's fault, and Levi's stabbing was merely in self-defense. Even if it was shockingly vicious. 

You want to ask, but the two professors haven't bothered to question each other and are already moving on to other matters. 

"I'll prevent word from spreading at Paradis," Erwin promises. "You're fortunate to have talent I envy. I shouldn't be guarding your reputation as much as I am." 

"Yeah, I get it." Levi crosses his arms and drops his head, ashamed to be protected by Erwin yet again. "In the future, maybe don't give my intern avenues into my life, and shit like this won't happen."

"That was certainly an oversight on my part," Erwin confesses as he eyes you. You feel guilty under his gaze, morphed into the lawless rat that poked around to exploit Levi. 

"Whatever. It's over and done with." Levi braces his back against the counter's edge. "I'll be back in classes tomorrow. You don't need to worry."

"What about you?" Erwin asks of his intern.

You nod. "Yeah, I'll be there. I'm okay."

"For now, you ought to head home," he encourages, picking up your handbag and phone from the counter. "I'll give you a ride, if you'd like." 

"No." Levi straightens up. "She's not going home yet." 

"You cannot hold on to your intern, Levi. That's uncouth."

"First off, her and I weren't finished talking." Levi treads closer to Erwin, extending hands to reclaim your belongings. "You interrupted us. Secondly, she's just had her life threatened. I don't want her on her own right now." 

"Nevertheless—" 

"I'm not a scoundrel. I'll get her home soon." Levi easily wrenches your things out of Erwin's hands, surprisingly stronger than him. "Besides, she's tough. If she has a problem, she'll get her way. Just let us be." 

Erwin inspects his empty hands, gears turning in his head. "You're not usually this belligerent with me."

"Get over it, would you?" Levi snaps. 

You're startled into silence, thankfully distant from the festering hurricane. Erwin's not quick to respond, either, allowing Levi's very own demeanor to be his argument. 

"Look, just get going." Levi does acknowledge his own temper, and he finds a passive route to avoid further conflict. With a sigh, he takes a step away from Erwin. "I promise you, Erwin, we're fine. We both need to be with each other for a bit longer." 

Surrendering, Erwin turns his back on you. "Very well. Call me if you need anything."

"Sure," Levi responds, waiting for the police to leave.