WEEK FIVE: Tuesday (Yuzuru)

Hair like black silk between my fingers. Skin like hot satin gliding across my chest. Lips soft and sweet as gummy candy, and I couldn't get enough of their taste no matter how many different angles I tried, no matter how thoroughly his tongue was dominating my mouth. Black eyes gazing into mine, hazy with pleasure and dark with longing. And the hard, slick length of him filling my hand, slipping back and forth to a serenade of groans that made me crave more, more. Even when the anticipation was finally going to burst, I would still need more. More of his hands, more of his mouth, more of him against me and surrounding me and filling me up. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

And there was no time. Already the sensations were growing fainter, the groans were quieting, the beautiful hazy eyes were closing. I struggled to hold on, to keep him with me, but there were other hands sliding over his shoulders, around his waist, around his neck and wrists and ankles. They were taking him away, and if I followed they'd strangle him to death. If I fought, he'd be torn apart. He wasn't allowed to be mine.

I was close enough to the surface of consciousness to know that I was dreaming. Which was better, to push down into sleep again, or let myself float all the way up and get out of here? How many times had I relived the loss of him already?

Light slashed beneath my eyelids, reminding me that the world up top was bright and cruel and full of pain I didn't want to feel. But down below was pain, too. Emptiness. It didn't matter which way I went, I wouldn't get to keep him. Up there he was far away, untouchable. Down below, he just got torn from me over and over again.

Still, in the dreams I had at least a few seconds with him. In order for my subconscious to snatch him away, it had to return him to me first. The nightmares were worth it for those precious moments alone. Down it was, then. I shut the light out and expelled the air from my lungs so I would sink. Come back. Come back, I need you.

Instead of Seryou, though, I heard someone else. A voice I'd hoped never to hear again. He raged through the darkness in my head, bellowing like a bull in mating season, sending my raw emotions into overdrive. It wasn't until I heard my little sister screaming that I realized it was real. I wasn't dreaming, he was actually here.

"Tell her to get out here, you punk ass bitches. I want to see my wife. Tell her to get her whoring ass out here or she'll be sorry."

"Dad! Dad, stop it! Mom's sick, she—"

"Yuriko, stay out of this or you'll feel the back of my hand. Get her out here, motherfuckers, or I'm burning this godforsaken place to the ground."

I was awake and on my feet in a half second. I cast a frantic look at Mom. She was still sleeping, her hand pale and fragile in mine, with an oxygen mask over her face and IV and catheter tubes running out of her every which way. She was okay for now, but if he woke her up...

I could see him glowering through the small window in the door, eyes red-rimmed and glazed with drink, hairy fists pounding the door like meat hammers. Now I could appreciate why the room was kept locked from the outside. I'd thought it was strange when the nurse had let me in last night, explaining that while people inside the room could get out, no one could get back in without a badge. It was to protect sensitive patients from upsetting visitors, like this one.

I grabbed the curtain by Mom's bedside and yanked it all the way across the room. His view of her was blocked, but more importantly, if she did wake up it would keep her from seeing him like this. Somewhere in the hall a nurse was saying, "Sir, you must lower your voice. The patient's condition is very delicate, too much stress on her heart and—"

"Fuck you, open this goddamn door. I have the right to see my wife. "

I charged the door and shoved it so hard that it threw him backward. He wobbled on his feet and lurched against the opposite wall. I stepped out of the room, pulling the door closed behind me until the locking mechanism clicked safely back into place. He grunted, and squinted blearily as if trying to figure out who I was.

"Ex-wife," I spat, tearing the medical mask from my face. "Remember? You divorced her, so you have no rights. Get the hell out." To the nurse, I said, "Call security. Do it now." She bobbed nervously and went running down the hall. Yuriko was nearby, her fists pressed to her mouth.

He'd gained weight since I saw him last, his belly hanging low over stained khaki pants and a torn sweater that looked like it hadn't been changed in days. I guess my black eye and bruises were too disfiguring for his alcohol-addled brain to process, because it took a while for recognition to creep over his snarling features. "Well, if it isn't the little faggot. You get uglier every time I see you. You must take after him, huh?"

I positioned myself in front of the door and prayed that Mom would sleep through this. She couldn't know he was here. How had he gotten past security downstairs? Actually, I already knew the answer to that. When he wanted to, he could be very good at hiding his drinking impairment. He just wasn't bothering now that it was us he was contending with.

Or maybe it was just me. My very existence pissed him off more than anything.

"You're drunk, Dad."

"Don't you call me that! You don't have a drop of my blood in you!"

Even after all these years, those words set off an explosion of sorrow in my gut. I should have come to terms with it by now, right? My hatred of this man should have absolved any vestige of regret or mourning I could possibly have left, but it wasn't that simple. For thirteen years, he'd been the goofy, capable father who'd taught me to pee standing up, knot a tie, build model cars, throw a punch and spit farther than any of my friends. Now he was an unrecognizable drunk who took a swing at me at least once every time we met. The worst part was, I couldn't say that I blamed him.

"Get out of my way. I'm about to teach your slut of a mother what happens when she doesn't show up to work. Just because I divorced her doesn't mean I don't still own her ass."

Oh, hell no. "You're not going near her," I said, my hands balling into fists. "I'll kill you first."

"Hah!" He got right up in my face, and it was a shock to realize that I was taller than he was by several centimeters. When had that happened? He glared at me hatefully. "What, you finally put a little muscle on those puny bones and suddenly think you can take me? Arrogant brat, I guess you've forgotten how this worked the last time you ran your mouth at me."

I hadn't forgotten. Neither had Yuriko, because she started wailing. "No, Daddy, please, just leave him alone!"

"Shut up, Yuriko, this doesn't involve you."

I curled my lip. "You're threatening her mother and brother, I'd say it does. We're more her family than you are." He was going to make me suffer for that, and I didn't care. We were in public, so somebody would come stop him before it got too bad. I hoped.

His hand shot out and wrapped my neck. I couldn't breathe, and the swollen flesh of my face started throbbing hard like a fire alarm. "I wish I'd killed you the minute you slithered out of your mother's body, you disgusting piece of shit."

Yuriko screamed. "Daddy!"

"I've seen those pictures. Your tongue down the throat of some twink, like the warped little freak you are. That's not how I raised you, boy."

With my windpipe crushed I couldn't say any of the snarky things that sprang to mind, but all those fistfights in junior high had taught me a thing or two that I hadn't had at my disposal when I was younger. Before the lack of oxygen could sap my strength I grabbed the front of his sweater and yanked him closer, swinging my other hand up and around. I jabbed my fingers in his eyes good and hard. They felt kind of like skinned lychee. Gross.

He shouted and let go of me. We stumbled apart, him with a hand over his eyes and me bent double in a coughing fit that was partly recovery from his strangulation, and partly the crud that had taken up residence in my lungs the past few days. He didn't even wait to regain his sight before launching a fist in my direction. Crap, I was too locked up in the coughing fit to dodge.

I dropped to one knee, and his punch sailed over my head. "Yuriko," I managed to gasp, "quiet, you'll wake mom." She was being louder than he was.

"Fucking worthless little prick." He grabbed my upper arm with bruising fingers, dragging me to my feet, but his next swing got blocked in midair by an intervening forearm. Both of us turned in astonishment, and my mouth dropped open.

"Okada-san?"

Okada was glowering at Dad, his arm rock-solid as he kept Dad's punch from reaching me. He didn't say anything, and he didn't meet my eyes, but his expression said he was ready to retaliate if necessary.

Three other men in security guard uniforms appeared, seizing my dad's arms. "Come with us, Sir."

He thrashed and cursed at them, but they dragged him down the hall. The mass of nerves in my core relaxed slightly as his voice faded, then was drowned out as the elevator doors closed behind them, carrying him away. The nurse had come back and was busy comforting Yuriko, who was on her knees in the middle of the hallway in tears.

"About fucking time," I mumbled, sagging against the door. I hated hospitals so, so much.

"Whoa. Hey, let's sit you down." I didn't know why Okada was here, but I pushed his hands away. I didn't have time to deal with him right now.

"Nurse, can you let me back in to see my mom? If he woke her up..."

"We're going to check right now," she assured me, helping Yuriko up. She swiped her badge in front of the lock, and we followed her inside.

Mom was awake, though groggy. She raised a tube-taped arm in my direction, fighting to get her eyelids to stay up. "Was that your father?"

"Shh, Mom, it's okay." I took her hand and moved to her bedside, sinking into the same chair I'd slept the night in. The nurse was checking all the machines.

Mom's forehead wrinkled, and the inner corners of her brows went up as I got closer. "Did he hurt you?!" I heard the pulse monitor starting to beep a little faster, and shot a worried look at the nurse.

"No, Mom, I'm fine. Calm down."

But the monitor kept accelerating as she tried to touch my swollen eye. "What did he do? Your face!"

"I'm okay. He's gone now, I'm okay, I swear. These aren't from him, remember?"

"Mom," Yuriko cried from behind me. Mom was straining upward now, trying to sit up, the monitors making loud warning sounds as I tried to press her back onto the bed.

"Calm down, please. You've got to calm down," I pleaded.

The nurse's lips were pursed as she inserted a needle into Mom's IV bag. "Easy, now," she said, her tone much more soothing than her expression. "We're just going to have a nice little rest, okay? Your children are doing very well, they're taking such good care of you, Mother."

Mom's eyelids started drooping, and she relaxed against the pillow again. The wild bleeping from the machines started to even out. "But your dad..."

"Shh, Mom, just sleep, okay?" I scrubbed a hand over my cheek to get the tears off before she could see them. "Everything's all right. Sleep."

Her eyes closed, and I sat holding her hand as the monitors resumed a regular rhythm. I reached out and adjusted the oxygen mask over her face, watching her breath fog the inside of the plastic. "Thank you," I said shakily to the nurse, lowering my forehead to the back of Mom's hand.

"Of course. I don't know how that man even got up here. Rest assured I'll be having a talk with security. Are you all right?"

I shook my head without looking up. "I'm fine."

Yuriko's arms went around me, her sobs soft in my ear, and I sat up enough to pat her hands. "It's okay, baby sister." I needed to get her mind off of it before she worked herself up again. "Have you eaten? Do you want me to take you down to the cafeteria?"

"Nurse Megumi-san came by this morning while you were asleep and got me breakfast. You're the one who needs to eat, Yuzu-nii."

"I will, in a little while. There's plenty of snacks left." I nodded at the far corner of the room, where a table was piled with the stuff that the Houka archery club had brought yesterday.

"You need real food," Okada said, and I realized he was standing quietly behind us. I turned to him, and he gave me the steady, commanding look that I remembered from junior high. It was the same face he'd worn as he'd pressed the bow into my hand over and over again. I was pissed at him, I didn't want him here, but that familiar expression was a comfort. He held out a hand. "Let Yuriko-chan stay with your Mom, she'll be sleeping for a while. I'll buy you lunch."

Lunch? "What time is it?"

"Almost noon."

"Holy shit." I'd slept half the day. I stood up, but didn't take his hand. Familiar comfort or not, I wasn't about to forgive him for the things he'd said to Seryou. "What are you even doing here?"

"I called your archery sensei when I couldn't get ahold of you. He told me what happened to your mom, so I got here as soon as I could." He held the room door open, and I frowned. I really didn't want to go with him. It was weird that he was here.

He sighed, noting my reluctance. "You can stay mad at me, okay? But let me feed you, at least." He scanned Mom's room curiously. "Unless your boyfriend's coming back soon? I'll leave when he gets here, if that's what you want."

I swallowed hard as my heart clenched. "Let's just go," I said, brushing past him into the hall.

He jogged a couple steps to catch up. "Is something wrong?"

Everything's wrong, I wanted to scream. Absolutely everything. I gave him an incredulous glare, and he actually blushed a little. "I mean, obviously there's a lot wrong, it's why I came. But I meant, are you and that kid..."

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, getting on the elevator and stabbing the button for the second floor. Especially not with you.

He didn't say anything else, just rode the elevator with me as I tried not to burst into tears for the hundred millionth time in the past few days. When we got to the cafeteria, he had me sit at one of the tables and brought over a tray of food. My taste buds still couldn't get much enjoyment out of anything, but my stomach had a mind of its own. Instinct took over, and pretty soon I was shoveling rice and meat into my mouth like it was going to run away if I didn't eat it fast enough. I emptied the plate in under two minutes, and Okada brought me a second one. Then a third. He just watched me eat, while I avoided eye contact or even acknowledgment of his presence.

Finally, I couldn't fit anything else in my belly. I dropped the plastic utensils onto the tray and pushed it back.

"I see your appetite's good as ever," he said with a grin. When I stayed silent, he tapped his fingers on the table for a while. "Your father," he said finally, and I stiffened. "How long has it been since you last saw him?"

"Two years. And you know he's not my father."

"I know." Okada reached to touch my neck where Dad had grabbed me. "Is this really okay?"

I pushed his hand away. "It's nothing. I've had way worse."

"I know," he said again. More awkward silence. Okada ran a hand through his hair. "Shino-kun, I get that you don't want to talk and that's okay. But I'm worried. Whether you want me to or not, I really care about you."

I cringed.

"And I get the sense there's more to this. I saw the picture online. What your school is doing is inexcusable."

Now I was confused. "What picture?" Fear suddenly shot through me, and I sat up straight. Had something happened to Seryou? Had Tanaka gotten to him too? "What picture?!" I repeated louder.

"You haven't seen the post? It's been everywhere the past few days." He handed over his phone, and I scrolled past the scariest-looking photograph of my face that I think anyone had ever taken. I looked like some kind of bloated, discolored deep sea creature. That was followed by a picture of Tanaka, probably from his student ID, and a rant about how Houka wasn't punishing him for his bullshit. But thankfully, there were no photos of Seryou with similar injuries. There were no photos of him at all.

The post had almost a thousand comments, though, so the odds were good that he'd seen it. I'd asked Tajiri yesterday if she'd heard from him, and she would only say he was having a hard time. If he'd seen this picture it was no wonder. Koike said he thought I blamed him.

My heart sank.

"Who posted this?" Not that Okada would know. "Damn it, why can't these people mind their own business?"

"Because they know it's wrong. The school has a responsibility to protect its students. They can't turn a blind eye to this just because you're gay."

"I'm not gay. And yes, they can ignore it if they want, because no one's supposed to be dating anyone at Houka."

"That's not an excuse," Okada said firmly. "Even if you were breaking a rule, it doesn't absolve the school of responsibility to address the behavior of your classmate."

"It doesn't matter," I said, lowering my aching head into my hands. "I don't care what happens to Tanaka. Seryou and I are both being transferred out of Houka anyway."

Okada thumped his fist on the table so hard I jumped. "Then what about the next kid they pick on? Or the next? This is bigger than just the two of you."

I stared at him. "My mom's probably dying," I said, feeling anger thicken in my chest like a storm cloud. "I'm getting transferred to a new school a month before university exams. I got kicked out of archery club. My fucked up family is falling apart, not that we were doing so great to begin with. I can never speak to the person I love again or he'll lose his family. He thinks I hate him, but I miss him so bad I can't stand it. And you want me to care about some imaginary gay kid at my old school? Screw you!" I stood up from the table. "Leave. I don't want to talk to you anymore."

His hand closed around my wrist, eyes wide. "Shino-kun..."

"Get off." I wrenched my arm back, but he didn't let go. "Get off," I warned again, and when he still wouldn't, I punched him. Right across the jaw. A nice, satisfying flare of pain in my knuckles, a rush of frustration and outrage through my muscles. Okada's head snapped to the side, and I stood there panting. I was too pissed to even feel sorry. He was still holding my wrist.

With his other hand he rubbed his jaw, and looked up at me. His eyes were glowing softly, but instead of acting angry he smiled a little. He got to his feet, and one of the hospital staff came running over.

"Is everything all right?" she asked.

Okada didn't take his eyes off me, just nodded. "My friend is dealing with a lot right now." To me he said, quite seriously, "Do that again if you need to. It's okay."

"Oh, no, it isn't ," said the woman, pointing to the glass doors that led outside. "This is a hospital, not a boxing ring. Leave, if you can't be civil."

"This is stupid," I said in exasperation, trying to yank out of his grip again. "You're stupid. Just let go of me and go away."

"Not yet. Come on." He pulled me toward the doors that the woman had indicated. I would have kicked him in the legs, but he was walking too fast. We went outside, into a small courtyard with concrete planters, wooden benches, and a few patches of ground where leafless trees sprouted in empty flower beds. The sun overhead was bright and cold, the sky mostly without color. The fresh air tasted strange after two days of sterile hospital ventilation. He tugged me around in front of him, and only then did he release my wrist.

"Go on, hit me if you want."

Had he lost his mind? "I don't want any of this!"

"I get that. You've always had to carry more than your share of injustice, Shino-kun. So if you need someone to take it out on, I'm here. I'll be whatever you need."

"I need Seryou," I snapped, my eyes filling up against my will. His face turned so sad that I felt the tiniest bit guilty. Maybe I should have hit him instead.

But he still didn't leave. "What happened with you two?"

"I said I didn't want to talk about it."

"I'm only asking because you mentioned his family. I take it they don't approve?"

I busied myself kicking the rocks that had drifted onto the walkway.

"Because that's why I'm so serious about not letting your school off the hook. It's not about one school, or one bully. It's about changing the way society treats people like us. No one actually gains anything by forcing lovers apart, do they? In fact, everyone loses."

His words were flying between my ears without much effect. I'd never been the philosophical type, but I was certain no amount of fancy talk was going to change Seryou's parents' minds. Or keep my mom's heart beating. Or fill up the giant hole inside me.

Okada laid a hand on my shoulder. "I'm not asking you to fight this battle. I'm telling you I'm going to."

"Do whatever you want," I said, turning my back on him and heading for the cafeteria doors. "I gotta go check on my mom." I probably should have thanked him for the food, but he's the one who'd practically dragged me down here for it, so why should I?

"I'll be back tomorrow," he called after me, making me pause for a second. "And the day after that. And every day, until your mom is able to go home. I'll be here to feed you, to be your punching bag, to get you out of here to a range for a while, whatever you need. So if anything happens you can call me. I'll come."

I shuddered and went inside. Too many promises, from someone whose feelings I couldn't return. Maybe Okada just wanted to help, but his concern felt like another burden I didn't have the strength to carry.

The day's drama wasn't over yet. When I got back upstairs to the recovery wing, I could hear more undesirable voices carrying down the hallway before I even stepped off the elevator. I gritted my teeth and headed toward them. Sure, why not? Just what today needed.

"But Grandma, I want to stay here with Mom and my brother!"

"That's nonsense, child. The hospital is no place for a young lady to be living. How will you bathe? Or properly care for your skin?"

"Our mother is recovering from surgery and you're worried about Yuriko's beauty routine?" I entered the family lounge, where Yuriko was standing with our grandparents. Well, her grandparents... in the last few years they'd made it clear they wanted nothing to do with me. In my head I still thought of them as Grandmother and Grandfather, though, because what else was I going to call them?

Grandfather was dressed for business, as he always was, in a pinstripe blue suit, pale yellow shirt, neatly coordinated tie and pocket square. His mustache was trimmed to razor sharp points over the corners of his mouth, and he carried a long coat over one arm. Grandmother was in a dark green skirt and jacket, her hair pulled back neatly, with thick eye makeup and bright red lipstick. They both looked like they'd come directly from work, which I knew couldn't be the case because today was a national holiday for the Emperor's birthday.

Grandmother sniffed, looking me up and down. "I see you're still causing as much trouble as ever, Yuzuru. Your poor mother, no wonder she's having a hard time."

"Shut up," I said. "Mom's suffering because you monsters are working her to death."

Grandfather's heavy eyebrows came down so far they hid his eyes. "Your mother's continued employment with our firm has always been her choice. She's free to leave at any time."

"That's bullshit and you know it." If Mom heard me talking to them like this she'd probably have another heart attack, but I was done playing their sadistic games. "You've already said if she walks away you'll make it so she can't get a job anywhere else."

"She has another option," Grandmother reminded me cruelly. "She just refuses to exercise it."

"Oh, you mean the option where she kicks me out on the street and takes me off her family register? Then goes back to that drunken douchebag you call a son, so he can beat her as often as he feels like it for giving birth to me?"

She just rolled her eyes as if I was being overly dramatic.

"Mom had an affair," I said, trying not to let my voice tremble too much. "It was eighteen years ago, get over it. You know what, go ahead and fire her if you want. She can't go back to work for weeks anyway. Maybe ever, if she doesn't survi—" I coughed and dashed more tears away. "I'm going to graduate in a few months. I'll get a job, and I'll take care of everything myself. So do whatever you want."

"So full of yourself," Grandmother said scornfully. "Be careful what you say, boy, or we might decide to wash our hands of all three of you. You're willing to destroy your sister's future as well as your own?"

Yuriko's head was jerking back and forth between us like we were playing ping-pong, her eyes wide. This was so unfair. I hated them, but I didn't want to screw up Yuriko's life too. For all their awfulness to me and my mom, they supported Yuriko as much as ever. They paid for her cell phone, her laptop, her cram school, her school uniforms. They were the reason we'd been able to stay in our apartment, instead of getting booted into some tiny rooftop workroom where we'd be sleeping on mats on the floor with no heat. And they were still truly affectionate with my sister, no matter how they felt about me. I didn't want her to lose them the way I had.

"What do you want?" I asked in defeat. "Mom can't go back to work right now, so why are you even here?"

"We're here for our granddaughter, of course. To see she's properly cared for. Tell me, are you making sure she eats regularly? Are you providing her with a bed to sleep in? Are you supervising her activities and ensuring she has clean clothes and is keeping up with her studies? I doubt you're capable of doing those things for yourself, much less someone else."

Yuriko ran over to me, clinging to my arm. "We're okay, Grandma. Yuzu-nii takes care of me just fine."

I sighed and looked down at her. "I think you should go with them, Sis."

Betrayal spread over her face. "No!"

"They're right. The hospital isn't a good place for you, and we don't know how long Mom's going to be here. You should be getting real meals and sleep." I looked up at her grandparents' smug faces. "But you have to allow her to keep her phone with her at all times. If anything happens with Mom, she gets to come back here right away. And you'll let her visit every day while you guys are at work."

Grandfather snorted. "Of course, do you think we're jailers?"

"And," I said, "you won't allow Dad to come back here again. If Mom wants to see him when she wakes up, she'll call him. Otherwise, you keep him away."

Grandmother's rouged cheeks took on an even brighter color. I was sure she knew about the scene he'd made earlier. He'd probably called them to whine after the hospital threw him out. "We'll see what we can do."

Yuriko was pulling on my sleeve. "I don't want to leave. I want to stay with you."

I wasn't looking forward to being here alone, either. But she needed more than I could give right now. I took her hands gently. "Can you do me a favor and stop by our house? Make sure all the appliances are unplugged, the Christmas lights too. And if you bring the presents from under the tree tomorrow, maybe we can open them together while Mom's awake. It'll be Christmas Eve, after all." Thoughts of Seryou bubbled up, and I stifled them painfully.

Yuriko nodded, hugging my arm. "Okay, Yuzu-nii."

I kissed the top of her head, then handed her over to her grandparents. They headed down the hall, Yuriko casting backward glances over her shoulder. When they disappeared around the corner to the bank of elevators, I sank onto the blue-upholstered couch in the lounge and put my head in my hands.

It was never going to stop, was it? What unforgivable crimes had I committed in my past life, to deserve all this? Again I found myself wishing for Seryou. I just wanted to curl up next to him and feel his fingers in my hair, his soft lips on my forehead. There were so many things I'd never had the chance to tell him. Maybe that was for the better, though. He was so close to his family. The state of mine would probably appall him.

Where was he, right now? What was he doing? I hoped it was something happy. Something with his family, something that made him laugh with that gorgeous, heartstopping smile. I hoped he was eating, now that his parents were back. Sleeping, too. I hoped his brother was talking to him. I hoped Shino was leaving him alone. I hoped he wasn't thinking about me much.

Well, maybe it would be nice if he thought of me a little.

My mind was going fuzzy, seeking him out in my memories. If I sat here any longer I was going to fall asleep, which was what I wanted to do but I had cram school homework to finish. Koike had brought me the assignments yesterday, and would be stopping by tonight to pick the completed ones up. Since today was a holiday, she wouldn't have more for me until tomorrow afternoon. More time to sleep, I guess.

I stood, testing the stability of my knees before I tried walking, and went out to the nurses' station. One of them let me back into Mom's room, and performed a round of checks before she left us alone. I stood at the foot of Mom's hospital bed for a while, watching her breathe and listening to the beeping of the monitors and the hiss of her blood pressure cuff. There were too many emotions swirling through me to sort through.

She was so pretty, my mom. Even years of being overworked to extremes hadn't managed to do more than add a few small lines around her eyes. She still had the creamy smooth complexion I remembered from childhood, the shapely cheekbones and pouting lips that both Yuriko and I had inherited. My mother was pretty, and intelligent, and strong in ways I was only just now starting to grasp.

Yet she'd been unfaithful to Dad. Part of me despised her for it, because he'd been a great man once. Funny, cheerful, kind. She'd broken him, and I'd never been able to understand why.

But I couldn't hate her, either. Even though I was a mistake, I shouldn't have ever been born, she refused to abandon me. I cost her everything—her husband and in-laws, who were the only family she'd had. Her dignity. Her health. Her freedom. The older I got, the more I understood the magnitude of what she was doing for me. Every time I got fed up with it, begged her to walk away from all their crap, she insisted she was sticking it out until I was out of university.

"I can bear it until then," she'd said the last time I brought it up. "It's only a few more years. Once you have your degree and your future is secure, then I'll leave."

"But, Mom, what about our pride as human beings? We can't let them treat us this way."

"You are my pride, Yuzuru," she'd answered with a gentle, tired smile. "You and Yuriko. Someday you'll understand. A mother's greatest pride is her children, and for you, I can endure anything."

I picked up my cram school notebooks and carried them to the chair at her bedside. I wasn't sure how she could be proud of me at all. I wasn't smart, or charming, or accomplished at anything besides archery, which was hardly a lucrative life skill. If anything, I was constantly getting into trouble. Getting into fights, skipping cram school, bickering with Yuriko, breaking school rules, nearly getting expelled. Falling in love with a boy.

I opened the book in my lap, but the text was swimming on the pages. My brain hurt. I took Mom's hand in mine instead, and laid my head down next to her on the bed. Maybe I'd sleep for a little while first. Just until my eyes weren't quite so teary, and my mind wasn't quite such a mess.

Just a few minutes. That's all I need.