57- 2 sides

It's like every single connection I had to Xaden was gone.

The door didn't give until Xaden I know was out of the infirmary, and when I got outside I saw Segyl race... I mean race to the flight field like she was in a blind panic, she was... she almost hit someones green scorpion tail, she snapped at him then racing off.

My little ' world' or whatever you want to call it where the beach and water was... Xaden's darkness was gone, or..hidden.

I didn't know whether to try following them or not, I wanted to by Rhys wouldn't answer for the damn life of me....and I begged.. Nothing..not even him just straight telling me no...just nothing..

That night, I felt him...well pain...Just searing hot like pain..Though maybe it was a bit of mine to my there was a certain feel of it knowing it wasn't fully mine. I know Xaden wouldn't ever lay a hand on me but I know damn well he wants me to suffer right now.

I didn't sleep a wink, but I deserved it.

That morning, I groggily braid my hair in two braids with a bun when the door opens, for a second I thought maybe it was him. I didn't care if he would scream at me all damn day I just wanted it to be him.

It wasn't.

Hetta stands there sheepishly looking at me,looking at me like she knows...she needed to know. " Good morning." She says softly.

" Morning."

She sighs looking down the hall, " Well... should we go?"

I offer a small smile and follow, she was fidgety, kept lookign at me like she wanted to ask. " I take it he told you." I say quietly once we rounded one of the quieter halls.  " No. She said I couldn't and he seemed really mad, plus he's.."

He's always listening.

" He said it was bad... He looked-"

" I know." I say quickly getting another deep pain in my chest. 

" With.. Liam..." She answers now looking a little harder at me. She liked Liam...somewhat. Not only did I hurt Xaden... I hurt Hetta.

" I'm an idiot. I know." I admit. 

" Well.. I won't say your not but.... Doesn't mean you'll get rid of me." She says quietly. " I just... don't want to talk at the moment."

I nod, totally understanding.

Classes she was just there. No talking to me, she'd joke with Sawyer or Ridoc... They'd try to get me in into the conversation though they stopped after awhile. 

To top it off, I was saw walk in. I felt that...pain..making me grip my chest as I couldn't help but look... It's like I could almost see a dark cloud over him as he walked, though looking..normalish. He seemed more cold, more expressionless if that was possible.

He walked with Bohdi and Garrick, walking just a step ahead of them, everyone literally partign as he walks pass, everyone knows not to get in his way.

On the other side of the room I see Imogen with Liam helping him carry some of his books. He looked...well.

I happen to look back at Xaden who.. was looking at me then Liam..Shit.. If looks could Kill I swear Liam would be mush.. literal bloody pile IF that of mush.

I saw the shadows slowly swirling around his arm as he eyes him, I thought he might actually try killing him..

" Xaden." I try, I try like hell to reach him. I beg, plead, hell, I imagine trying to find him.

And it works. I feel almost like a burst, a give. I see him freeze, tense so hard his shadows get cut off and he grips the edge of the table for just a second, I can feel him trying to close it out. 

" Xaden..please... please listen.." I beg.

I see him grip the table tighter, he's trying...he's really trying though I was able to keep hold.. against him... was I really that strong or was he... that weak? Because of me.

" Xaden... Please just let me explain, or talk to me...look at me.."

I see his shoulders slump slightly at my pleads and I thought for just a second I had him, he'd listen...

Until I see it.

I saw him in the woods.... ofcourse where we'd always go ' our spot' to be more clear where he found me, where the meeting was.... I saw him finding the thick branches for Liam.

I felt it....

I felt the... feeling... that I was feeling... the happiness that made him freeze.

He whipped his head to the infirmary and he ran as his heart skips a beat no... two. He felt the longing.... the feeling I had when I told him I wish our dragons were bonded.

He went in, and whipped the door open, whipped and there we were... Liam smiling as he kisses me, the faint hum I didn't even knew I made.. I felt like a dagger was stabbing me repeatedly.

I gasp, gripping my chest. Sawyer, Ridoc and Hetta look at me " Hey.. you good?" Sawyer asks eyeing me.

I didn't even know my eyes were watering, so much so tears stream down my face. I quickly look back to Xaden who was still looking at me, though he blinks a few times looking away...closing me out once more.

" Hey...Freya.." Ridoc says sounding a little more concerned.

I quickly shake my head no. " I'm... I'm going back to my room."

Hetta stands but I push her back down as I quickly get out of my seat towards the door, where Liam and Imogen sat close to. He sees my face and his eyes shoot to Xaden, I see him stand though Imogen pulls him down not letting him leave.

As I walk I get another flashback..

Just us a few nights before, there I was sleeping, Xaden was right there kissing my shoulder before he left that morning, I saw him write the note, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

Another was that night we first kissed, when he helped me ground for the first time. How he looked at me, I could feel the... admiration..

" Xaden stop..." I say trying to block him out.

He shows me passed out, bloody in his arms when Orren almost killed me.

" Stop.."

The memories only get faster, he's pushing more and more to me, I could feel the anger. I could feel his anger coursing.

" Xaden stop..."

He shows when he saw me fly with Rhys and Andarna for the first time, I could feel how proud he was...

He showed when I fought, when I killed, he showed the satisfaction he felt wiping the blood from my lips, and I looking up at him fondly, I could feel how much he loved that..

" Please stop..." I beg.

He showed me releasing my chaos. He showed how much he...

" Stop!" I scream feeling all the remorse and regret seep into my very being.

He replayed the kiss over and over.. He replayed him just watching us.

" Freya.... Hey..Freya.." 

I realize someone is shaking me, I feel a hand rubbing my back. " Freya..."

It was Dain. 

I seem to tear myself from his grip, I notice how I'm bascialy sobbing, or panting from the lack of air as I'm curled on the floor. I blink rapidly looking around... I'm in my hall where luckily no one was..besides Dain crouching beside me.

" Hey... Where did you just go?" He asks softly rubbing my back. " What just happened."

Still I quickly look around.. No Liam...no Xaden.

" Was it your...your chaos?" Dain asks.

I didn't want to lie, if I said it was I know he'd report it and who knows... Carr might shoot me dead, but I also know I can't tell him it was Xaden literally in my head. I sure as hell know I can't tell him he kissed me... or Liam.

" I just got... a flashback.... Like what Amber did... I think someone is just trying to mess with me. About my dad.." I quickly cover, " I'm fine, they're gone."

He still stares with that concerned look, though now leaning back. " You sure?"

I nod " Yea..yea I'm certain."

I take a couple breaths straightening, looking at him. " Thanks."

He just shrugs, " I saw you leave... You looked.. Like you were getting terrorized. So I followed, you started to cry and get louder until you just curled and here we are." His hand ran from my head to my cheek cupping it. " You sure it wasn't that dick Riorson?" He asks a little sterner this time.

" No. I swear."

" Freya."

" Dain." I almost plead. " I wouldn't lie to you."

He purses his lips humming. " Yea, I know. Do you need anything? Want me to stay?"

" No.No... I think I'm going to the Flight Field-"

" - Not like this. Your not flying like this.."

" Can I talk to you?"

" Ofcourse."

" I'm just visiting with Andarna." I assure.

" Promise me." Dain says.

" I promise on my life Dain."

He looks at me for a few more seconds before nodding. " Ok. Make sure you make it back before Curfew."

" Thank you."

I stand wiping my eyes, He rises as well. " Only talk...remember I always find out." 

I offer him a small smile. " I know."

He gives a curt expression taking a few steps back before walking away once more, and I go to the flight field. I walk briskly now feeling an ache, all I could feel was the aching and broekn feelings.

Why did he show me those?

When I see Andarna just descending, I break into a run clashing into her as I break down again. " I messed up Andarna.. I really...really messed up."

I sob into her body as he slowly lays down letting me lean my weight on her. " Why does it hurt so bad?" I ask.

" Maybe because of the bond?" I hear her say.. " I know Segyl and Rhys have been... disputing. He heard you, but he couldn't answer. He didn't want to upset Segyl."

I sniffle understanding that... I get they're mates, I understand he needs to keep her happy.

" Please don't cry." She says softly. " I hurts me to see you like this."

No doubt it would. We're all gloriously connected.

" I just want to talk to him..." 

She lays her head on my chest, " I know..but I think he needs time. He's very upset at Liam. Segyl told me they're like brothers, closer the brothers so he feels very hurt.

" I leaned in first... What if I made him hate him what if-"

I feel another wave of  guilt as I think back to what Xaden told me about taking the scars for them, when Hetta told me about Liam being sick and Xaden was going too-

I could only sob more, my body shaking from the closest thing related to heartbreak. Though I know what Xaden and I have or whatever you want to call it wasn't love.

But I still care about him, just like I know he's always cared about me in his own twisted...dark way.

Malek I hate myself right now.....

Again I ruined the few only good things that came into my forsaken life...

" How do I even fix this Andarna...."

There was silence once again and I thought she wasn't talking to me anymore, but she finally answers. " I don't know. But I think..time... Time seems to numb wounds...not take them away but... I know... You two need eachother like Rhys and Segyl...So just... let it happen to talk when the time feels right."

" For a dragon you sure give good human advice." I try to joke.

There was a faitn chuff of her laugh before she lifts her head. " Someone is here to talk to you."

I look in the direction of where she was looking.. There Liam stood watching us carefully.

" I'll let you talk...let me know if you need me again." Andarna says softly.

" Thank you... I've missed you.."

She nudges me careful as she stands taking off in a bright gold light.

I sit more upright as I look at him quickly. " Hi."

He sighs " Hey."

He sits right beside me. " You left fast, you had tears in your eyes. What did he do."

I chuckle slightly, " I pushed... He pulled, he won."

" With the mind link?" Liam asks, I tun towards him he looked blank looking away " He told me about it at one time. It slipped. He... loses a lot of composure when it regards you."

I swallow the lump rapidly forming in my throat. " I know."

Now we sit in silence, though it was comfortable. But still it was the silence of...reality...knowing.

I feel Liam's hand in mine, giving it a slight squeeze. I couldn't help but look at him, he was already looking at me with a sad expression. 

" Xaden's my brother. I never thought I'd do something like that to him, not after all he's done for me..."

" Right." I answer.

He nods, sighing. " So. We both know..." He trails off. " I refuse to put you between us. You don't deserve that, and I'm not making you pick. Plus, we both care for Xaden. Even you two fight like Feral, diseased, rabid-"

" I get the point.."

" Hungry, enraged, angry dogs..." He stops giving me a small smile. " I've never seen him smile that way. Or act like a human, let alone care that much for someone. I know the bond has a part of it but.. He does care. And I knew we should've stopped, I knew he didn't visit yet and he did everyday. I should've stopped it."

" I was being the one that was selfish..."

" Your the least selfish person I know." Liam corrects me quickly. " I know you were angry... At Xaden.. I could tell that much and I didn't stop it..."

" You don't deserve getting lead on either... or blamed for any of this." I counter.

He shrugs, " I know that wasn't your intention. And I never said I'd completly give up on you Freya.."

He looks at me intently, " I'm just trying to say...maybe right now isn't the best timing. No offense but you and Riorson have alot of shit to figure out. And what happens, happens. And if it's you and him then so be... I'll be there supporting you both. But if it doesn't work out.."

He still has my hand bringing it to his lips pressing a soft kiss on the top. " I'll be here. and I'll make sure everyday you know how cared for you are. I'm not badass shadow wielder but I could see a future together."

This makes me snort. " Because of your farsight-"

" - Oh now you caught on?"

" Yea, took me a second.."

Liam laughs out loud making me laugh as well. " I'm glad we could be on the same page before Xaden royally kicks my ass."

" I'll talk to him."

" No, no... I have a few days. He's waiting until my ribs heal before he rebreaks them. He knows he can't put me back in the infirmary right away."

" Liam.."

" It's ok. I can fake bruised ribs for awhile...maybe until he graduates.... He already told me he wants to kill me but can't...because of you... And I'm like... his favorite so that helps... And I'm thankful Jack almost killed me. I'd rather get stabbed from him then Xaden at the moment." He rambles before sighing.

" He can feel.."

" Already knew that too." Liam answers. " So maybe I should go before he comes here and we'll both be screwed.

He stands helping me up. " We probably shouldn't talk for awhile so..."

I nod, " Yea that would be for the best..."

" So... glance at you soon?"

" Just know I'll ignore it." I smile.

He chuckles, " Stop crying alright? Your to beautiful to be doing that. And rest..."

" Same for you. Glad your feeling better."

He gives one more smile walking back where he came from and I wait awahile before I track back to my own room.

( Did i just pull this WHOLE thing from my ass....yes... yes I did... for you guys.... I'll be sure to try to update soon byyyyeeeee love you alllllll)