Chapter 135

Katniss

The car ride back to our temporary home is even more silent as it was on the way to the memorial. Peeta won't look at me, but I don't ask him to. I tell myself that this is what I wanted. I'm doing this to protect them all from getting hurt by me again.

But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm just causing them more pain? Guilt surges throughout my body, coursing through my veins.

I make the mistake of glancing back to the memorials as the car slowly pulls out onto the road. Everything hits me at once. Guilt, anger, pain, sadness. I close my eyes and think of Prim. I think of how devasted she would have been that I was too stubborn to bother to care about the place that honors her death. All of the faces of the dead come rushing back to me at once. Some of the faces I recognize, some I don't. But it doesn't matter because I'm the reason they're dead. And I couldn't even sum up the decency to try and honor them. Once again, I've failed everyone. I have disappointed not only the living, but the dead.

I clamp my eyes shut tightly and keep my head facing towards the window. If I cry now, I don't want anyone to see it. There are too many people in this car. I feel cornered. I feel overwhelmed, yet so lonely. I've managed to cause even Peeta to be disappointed in me. I steal a quick glimpse of him. He's brushing silent tears from his cheeks. I want to say something to him, I really do. But I'm not sure what I would say or how I would say it so I keep my mouth shut.

It feels like ages, but we finally arrive at the hotel. I slowly ease my way out of the car. I feel as though if I make any movements too suddenly, I'll crumble into nothingness. That's what I feel is happening inside of me. My world is very slowly breaking down. It has been for a very long time.

Once we get to our rooms, I practically make a bee-line for the bathroom. I have to have time alone to try and calm myself down. Instead, I end up doing the opposite. As soon as the bathroom door closes behind me, it feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room. I can't breathe, I can't see straight, and I most definetely can't think. I grasp the edge of the granite countertop and shut my eyes, attempting to take deep breaths. It feels as though the walls of this room, this building, are closing down on me. Everything seems so quiet, yet so loud at the same time. Yet, I still don't cry. I feel like I have too. Maybe it would even make me feel better. But no tears fall.

I gasp for air and bow my head to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Once I give up on trying to steady my breathing, I stand under the icy cold water falling down from the faucet in the shower. I hug my arms to my chest and let the water cascade through my ragged hair and down my scarred body.

After several minutes, in the shower I turn off the water. I seem to have caught my breath now. It's when I glance at the vile figure in the mirror, I lose it once again. She stands there, sopping wet. Her damp hair sticks to her skin. Her eyes look distant and gone, her skin as white as a sheet. This person, who looks like she's nothing more but an underfed Seam girl, has caused so much violence and sorrow. How could she be me? How did my life end up like this? What did I do to deserve this? Growing up, I was a good daughter and sister. I always listened to my parents. I took care of my baby sister when she needed me. I was patient, quiet, and kind. Besides animals, I was afraid of hurting anyone. I did my work and I always did whatever I was supposed to. I didn't let myself get greedy and I wasn't selfish. How did volunteering to take my little sister's place in a game of death lead to this? Wasn't volunteering in her place a good thing, a selfless thing? How could it have caused so much violence and pain?

Looking at my reflection finally causes the hot tears to fall from my vacant eyes. In the end, it wasn't Peeta or the memorial or the pain and guilt that made me sob. It was looking at my own image. Because I'm the only one who has the capability of hurting myself this much. I've done this to myself, just like I've hurt everyone else in my life. And I still do. I continue to hurt everyone.

I turn away from the mirror and dress myself in a large, light gray sweater that was probably made for Peeta and dark gray leggings. I know I have to face the others at some point. I have to tell them what I'm thinking. And most importantly, I have to apologize for all of the pain I've caused them.

I slowly trudge out into the living room. From what I hear in the hallway, I conclude that Haymitch, Effie, my mother, and Peeta are all here. I take a deep, shaky breath and step out into the large room filled with elaborate furniture I never would have been able to think about affording when I was growing up.

They all turn to look at me, worry etched across their faces. I'm not completely sure how to start so I blurt out what I needed to the most, "I'm sorry."

"I'm so sorry," I choke. Peeta stands, all the anger drained from his eyes. "I'm sorry for all of the suffering and pain I've caused you all and for being so selfish and awful. I don't mean to. I really am happy for you Haymitch and Effie. I just automatically shut everything good out. I pretend that I'm not happy. Because whenever I am happy, something goes wrong and I hurt everyone again. And I don't want to hurt you. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve a family. I'm sick and tired of being the reason for your pain. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Peeta steps closer to me. I don't look at him, or the others. "Katniss, you don't have to be sorry. We love you. We care about you."

"No. No, that's exactly why I shut you out. Everyone who cares about me dies. I can't let you get hurt. I love you too much. No, I can't. I can't do this anymore," I whisper, tears cascading down my cheeks.

Peeta presses his palms on the outsides of my arms, but I flinch away. "No, please. I don't deserve your love. Just don't. I can't hurt you. I can't. I'm sorry." I turn and walk as quickly as I can to an empty room down the hall. I know Peeta is following me. And I know he's scared for me.

"Katniss, what happened? What happened between this morning and now that caused you to get so upset?"

"I don't know!" I sob, covering my face with my hands. "I guess realization just hit me. I realized that all my life, I've been awful to everyone. And my life is like this never ending void and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not okay. I don't think I ever really have been. Sometimes, I get these short intervals of happiness. But then everything crumbles down again. I don't know what to do."

"You can't let them get to you. I know it was a mistake coming here, but we'll be back home soon. We get on the train tomorrow afternoon and we never have to come back again, I promise."

"No, it's not only being here. Being District 12 won't fix any of this. If anything, being in the Capitol for this has only made me realize how awful I am. I'm an awful person. And I'm an awful mother for Willow. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I can't give you the love that you deserve. And I'm sorry that I can't give it to our daughter either. Both of you deserve so much better than me. I'm sorry."

Peeta wraps his arms tightly around my shoulders, his chin resting on the top of my head, "Love, you think that by hurting yourself you're preventing the people you love from getting hurt too. But you can't think like that because it isn't true. It pains me so much to see you like this. My heart aches when you're upset. I just want to see you happy. When you're happy, it makes me happy too. I hate seeing you like this. More than anything in this entire world. You and Willow are all that really matters to me. I love the two of you so much."

I clench my teeth and try to control my rapid breathing. I'm trying everything to get the constant train of negative thoughts out of my head, but I can't. I can't do anything to stop it. When I begin to give up all hope, I think of Willow. She must be so alone and afraid. I haven't been there for her. What if I miss her first words, her first steps? I'm an awful mother. I can't do anything right, and I can't be there for her. "I'm so selfish," I whisper. "I know that you don't realize it. You love me too much. But what about Willow? I haven't been spending enough time with her. What if she doesn't even know me?"

I shut my eyes tightly. "She's too young and innocent to have to deal with this already. She deserves a good mom. Someone who can protect her. I'm just like my own mother. I can't do anything for her. I can't protect her. I can't even protect myself."

"Katniss, you're doing so well with her. I'm not perfect either, but I do know that you are an amazing mother."

What I say next falls out of my mouth before I can even think about it, "How would you know?"

Peeta immediately recoils from me. He takes a step back, his eyes growing darker. I can't make myself look at them. I cringe away at my own words. I didn't mean to say that. I meant that because Peeta's mother abused him, how would he know what a good mother looks like? How does he know I'm not just as bad as she was? But he can't know that. He thinks that I said it, implying that he wouldn't know because she's been dead for years. She was only with him for sixteen years of his life. Until she died, because of me. Just like everyone else.

He takes a deep, shaky breath. I glance away, unable to correct myself. I almost don't want to. Let him see that I'm telling the truth. I'm a horrible, vile mutt. I guess it's time that he sees me like I see myself.

"You know what? I'm tired of trying to make you feel better. It's useless to say anything more," he mumbles, obviously angry, "Tell me when you've decided to forgive yourself. I'll be with my daughter."

When Peeta pushes past me, his shoulder brushes against mine. I jump when he slams the bedroom door behind him. As soon as he's gone, I fall to my knees in defeat. I've managed to kill every aspect of good in my life. I've lost everything and everyone. I've even managed to make Peeta hate me.

One by one, the tears begin to fall down my cheeks until I feel as though I've run out of breath. I cry and I don't stop, the phrase what have I done? repeating over and over in my mind. I've lost everything. I am broken. And I'm not sure if I have any left-over strength to put my shattered pieces back together again.

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Ahhhh hiiiiiii!!!! So I know I said my updates would be really spread apart until June but idk I think I've been pretty good about it this past week. Hopefully I'll have time to update more for you guys soon :) I think I pretty much have the rest of the book planned out, actually. There are still a few ideas that I have left that I definetely want to incorporate into this book, so this is definetely not the end. I do know how this book will *most likely* end, but I can't tell any of you (although I think one person already knows, only because she sort of gave me this idea ;))

Anyways, I hope you guys liked this chapter. Again, please don't be afraid to comment any suggestions or ideas you have. This is the time to give me your ideas before this book ends. I want to make all of you happy with how the rest of this goes, and I really want to add in any ideas you've wanted to see. (Don't comment about Gale coming back though, he'll be back soon, I promise.)

Don't forget to vote and comment feedback/suggestions/ideas!!! I love you all so unbelievably much,

-booklover2019