Chapter 133

Katniss

Peeta holds onto my hand throughout the entire car ride to the site of the new memorial. It's as if he's hanging on to me as tightly as he can, just to be sure that he won't lose me. No matter how many times I tell him that he won't, he doesn't seem to accept it. There's always the fear of losing me embedded deep into his mind. I suppose once you've gotten to a certain amount of people who have been taken away from you, the fear of losing more people begins to become a habit. It's one of the many scars the Capitol has left upon us as a reminder of who we once were. 

I can vaguely see the memorial in the distance. With every passing mile we sit here in this luxurious Capitol car, the deeper my fear becomes. Today Peeta, Haymitch, Annie, Beetee, Johanna, and I are supposed to stand before this structure that's supposed to serve as a reminder of the horror that were The Hunger Games. I have been given the duty of cutting the silk rope that serves as a barrier in front of the wall that is carved with the names of dead children in the place where one of the arenas once stood. There is a seperate wall, one that will contain the name of my sister. Annie has been given the job of cutting the rope in front of it. I'm supposed to stand beside her, to help her if she just can't bear it. But why have I been labeled the one who can handle it? I'm just as broken as Annie. I think that yesterday confirms that. 

Before we arrive at the site, though, our driver drops us off at a seperate building where we are all supposed to meet to go over the speeches and have the final touches done to our makeup. I'm not completely sure why we have to be made over for the event. We'll be on camera, but it's not an interview. 

When I walk through the doors, the rest of the victors are already there with their stylists. I've been given Effie as my stylist, which I don't particularly mind but I would have rather had Angell, though I understand why she's absent. Cinna's name has been carved into that wall as well. 

"Hello my dear!" Effie says to me when I sit down in the chair in front of the mirror that has been reserved for me. 

"Hello, Effie." She begins right away, smearing makeup across my face. When I'm done, I see that she has managed to keep me looking like myself. I'm not particularly surprised as Effie looks more and more like her true self everyday. She wears far less makeup and she has let her naturally blond hair grow long. The outfits have gotten less outrageous as well, though they do tend to contain an abundance of skirts the color of pink. 

"Are you ready for your speech Katniss?" she asks as she curls the final locks of my hair. 

"I'm not making a speech."

"But you must! It is the memorial after all." 

"I don't want to. You know I'm awful at things like that," I say. 

"You're being ridiculous. Here, I made cards for you to read," she says, handing me a small stack of cards that smell strongly of perfume. 

"No. I don't want them. I'm not making a speech," I scowl, tossing the cards aside. I stand, brushing a lock of hair away from my face. She sighs angrily and picks up the cards. 

"Why don't you just stop being so stubborn and give a short speech for all of the people who lost their lives?"

"How would you know anything about the people who were killed? You don't understand and you never will," I grumble. My outburst must have been loud because only seconds later Haymitch and Peeta walk over to the room Effie and I stand in. 

"What's going on?" Haymitch sighs. 

"Katniss refuses to give a speech for the memorial today," Effie says. 

Haymitch rolls his eyes and says, "Katniss why don't you just read the cards? It's just one speech. People look up to you. They want to hear what you have to say."

"I'm sick of people looking up to me! I don't want them to hear what I have to say. I don't even want to be here!" I retort. 

"Just listen to Effie. Shes only trying to help you," Haymitch replies calmly. 

"Why are you defending her anyway? I thought you two hated each other!" With that, the two of them give each other a knowing stare. 

"We were going to tell you," Haymitch begins. 

"Haymitch and I have put our differences aside," Effie says. "We've been together for quite some time now." 

"We've decided to get married," Haymitch says, taking Effie's hand. 

I'm lost for words, and I can't seem to piece together that this is real. How, after all of the constant fighting and bickering did Haymitch and Effie even manage to form a relationship? Peeta recovers from the shock much faster than I do.

"Congratulations," he says, hugging both of them. I stand still, my mouth slightly ajar, my eyes trained on the ground. 

"Why," I stutter, "Why didn't you tell us?" 

Effie scowls, tears brimming her eyes. "Katniss, why can't you just be happy for us for once?" she exclaims, storming out of the room. Haymitch sighs and follows her out. 

I roll my eyes and turn back to the mirror. "Katniss," Peeta sighs, rubbing my arm. I move away, pretending to be preoccupied with the strings on my forest green jacket. "You don't have to push us away. We are you're family." I don't look at Peeta. I have to bite my tongue to keep from snarkily replying back. He doesn't seem to understand that I used to have a family, my father and Prim, but they're dead. Of course, my mother is alive but most of the time it's as if she isn't. I just don't want to lose this family too. 

Peeta leaves me in silence. I am happy for Haymitch and Effie, I really am. I'm not sure why I reacted so badly. I'm sure why I'm pushing them away. I just can't help it. I'm afraid to let myself become happy because it seems that everytime I do, everything falls apart. I've been broken down too many times, hurt too many times, that I can't help it anymore. I've lost almost everyone. 

A few moments later, my mother brings Willow to me. I take her in my arms and plant a kiss on the top of her head. "Hello, beautiful," I whisper. "I want you to know that I will never push you away, okay? Sometimes it may seem like I am. On the worst days, I might be too afraid to see you just because I'm terrified of losing you. But I promise that no matter what, I will love you forever. And I'll always protect you. You never have to be afraid. You have a family that loves you very much." 

She looks at me with her wide blue eyes and puts her chubby baby hand on my cheek. "I'm not sure why I push people away so much, even daddy sometimes. Maybe it's because of everything that's happened to me. Someday I'll tell you all about it, when you're ready. Someday you'll learn. But for now I want you to grow up safely. I want you to know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything. And you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," I say as she wraps her fist around my middle finger. 

I wish that Willow could have met everyone from my past; my father, Prim, Finnick, Rue, Cinna, Boggs. They would have adored her. Sometimes, on days when I can't help myself, I imagine Prim and Willow. She would have loved her so much. My heart aches whenever I think about it. About how Prim never got to be older than fourteen. She died far too young. She didn't get to achieve anything. She never fell in love, she never became a doctor, she never got married or had children of her own. She never got to do any of the things she wanted. She was innocent, just trying to do the job that she loved so much. And she was killed for it. A tear slips from my eye and Willow looks at me as if she knows something is wrong. It's as if she feels pain when I do. 

I take a deep, shaky breath and wipe away the stray tear. I collect myself and stand, Willow silently motivating me to keep going. She'll never know how much she can do with so little. Willow simply being my daughter is enough to keep me living for a lifetime. She and Peeta truly are my everything. They give me strength when I need it, keep me going when I don't think I can, and they give me love when I feel alone. I couldn't ask for a better family then the one I was given. And despite how stubborn I act and how much I shut them out, I love them more than anything. 

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wOW it's been like a month since I've updated sorrrrryyyyyyyyy. I was going to last week when Mockingjay came out on DVD but literally the day after I got it I got super sick and I didn't get out of bed for four days. It was bad. I'm hoping that since this school year is starting to come to a close and I have really easy classes that I'll have more time to write. There are two more months until summer though and I'll update TONS then because I really won't have much to do since I've decided not to do volleyball this year. So I guess just hold out on the infrequent updates until June :') 

Love you lots <3 

-booklover2019