Chapter 130

Katniss

The first thing I see is Prim. She's walking to the stage, where Effie stands dressed head to toe in various shades of pink. Just as Prim is ready to ascend up the daunting staircase, she reaches behind her back and tucks her white blouse into her skirt. That's when my tears begin. And then there I am, in my mother's blue gown calling the words that will forever haunt me, "I volunteer as tribute!" 

A clip of Prim screaming for me before I brave the stairs myself hauntingly echoes  throughout the building. They show Gale prying my little sister's skinny arms off of my legs and taking her back to my mother. 

The screen goes dark for about seven seconds and I swear not a person in this room takes a breath, including me. Willow watches the large screen with wide eyes. I know she can't know what's happening, but I hate the thought of her watching this. I know that the Games will be showed, and though she can't possibly understand it, I will have exposed her to my dark past for the first time. 

Soft music hums as the screen illuminates once more. Peeta and I stand on the chariot pulled by dark horses, fire glowing orange on our capes. We both look frightened and angry. When we get to the clip of our interviews, the musical hum has transfered into my voice; The Hanging Tree. Peeta confesses his love for me and when they play my reaction I cringe. How could I have been so indifferent, so horrible. If only I knew how much I would love Peeta. If only I knew that he would be the only one to hold me together. 

The video skips through most of the beginning of the Games, which I am thankful for. They show glimpses of the bloodbath, the careers and Peeta, Cato stabbing Peeta in the leg. Then, it's Rue who lights up the screen. We're both laughing, pressed closely together under the warmth of the sleeping bag high up in a willow tree. Again, glimpses of us sharing the groosling, me blowing up the food, and finally Rue screaming for me to help her. I know now that I never will. The Hanging Tree quickly cuts out but my voice continues as we watch Rue die. It has switched to Deep in the Meadow, the lullaby I now sing to get Willow to fall asleep. Though my tears have stopped since the beginning of the video, they start once again as I gently place the wildflowers in Rue's hair and around her lifeless body. 

As the moment Peeta and I were about to eat the nightlock plays on the screen, I let myself think about how cruel this entire situation is. How could The Capitol even think for one second that I would ever want to see this. How could they think that I would want to relive these horrible moments, the ones that their dear President Snow forced upon me. I can't even force myself to consider the things they may show as the war deepens. Will The Capitol be horrible enough to show Cinna, Boggs, Castor, or Finnick's death? A pang of guilt wrenches its way through my heart as I think of Angell, Boggs' son, Pollux, and Annie and Finn who are probably all watching this. I would never wish the horrors of Finnick's death onto Annie's innocent eyes. And Finn? Surely he would be scarred for life watching the vicious lizard mutts rip his poor father to shreds. 

I don't pay attention to much of the Quarter Quell. I am just thankful they haven't shown Cinna, or his death for that matter. The Capitol must be trying to cover up the real damage they have done. The people who killed Cinna were peacekeepers. Boggs was killed by a Capitol created pod. Finnick and Castor were killed by mutts created by the Capitol. Of course they wouldn't want to show any footage that would destroy their new, good reputation. These people will never know the horrors that I have. 

After the Quarter Quell, clips of me from propos are shown back-to-back. It's the same old stuff; me firing arrows, screaming at The Capitol, trying to persuade the Districts to join us in war. Then something that I don't expect happens. They show Peeta's interviews. All of them, regardless of how beaten and sickly he looks. My tears fall from my eyes again as I relive the pain of losing Peeta. Although we aren't touching, I can sense his body stiffen. When I look at him, his eyes are filled with pain and tears. This must be just as awful for him as it is for me. I can't image the kind of torture he must be reliving. I entwine my fingers with his, but it doesn't seem to help much. When I look out to the audience, I can't even count how many people I can see sobbing. How could they be crying? They don't understand and they never will. I swear almost every being in this entire building jumps when the camera falls and Peeta's blood is splattered across the once clean, white tiles. I have to look away, attempting to control my breathing before I begin sobbing. Peeta shrinks back into his chair, shutting his eyes tight. 

They show the short clip of me after the attack on 13. It's when I found the roses and I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I ramble about how Snow is going to kill Peeta and Haymitch goes on to comfort me. I guess Cressida assumed I would not be able to continue because the clip cuts out before they have to drug me. 

Most everything between my breakdown and the first propo of Squad 451 on the front lines is cut out. I'm thankful for that. Most of it is me moping around all day and Peeta spitting vicious things at me anyway. They show more arrows being fired, guns shooting, fires erupting. Some things are footage of us taped on The Capitol's security cameras that I've never seen. Then, they show us descend underground. My heart races and my head pounds. I feel like screaming. No, no they wouldn't show this. It's going to cut out. It has to. Were there really cameras hidden underground too? Of course there were. That's how Snow knew where to send the mutts. 

It goes by in quick flashes. It's hard to see much, as it was so dark. But I can make out their slimy mutt bodies and I most certainly can hear their terrifying screeches. I can hear the screams of my own squad. It lasts for only about sixteen seconds, but it feels as though its an eternity. They don't show Finnick in his very last moments, but seeing him trying to kill some of them with his trident is enough to make me cry again. 

It's over quickly, but I still can't breath. I've never felt so helpless watching anything on a screen in my life. No, that isn't true. Of course I have. I spent fifteen years of my life watching the Hunger Games, broadcasted every single year. 

A few images of fires and Capitol citizens fly by and then the video catches me off guard. There, standing in the large pens before the President's mansion are the children I watched die. I think I scream, but no one can hear it over the sound of the first explosion. The angle changes when the medics begin rushing in and I can see my beautiful baby sister doing her best to assist the wounded. It was her job. She loved being a doctor. She loved helping people. And because of that, because of her infinite need to assist people in need, she was killed. The second blast goes off and I know I can't take it anymore. I've just seen my sister die again. I stand up, my arms wrapped around my waist, feeling as though I might be sick. I can't make my eyes focus on anything. I can't see and I don't know if it's because of my thick tears or the fact that I'm blinded by grief and anger. 

I can hear chaos behind me but I refuse to look back. I run faster as I gain more distance before stopping in front of a large storage closet. I enter it and crumple to my knees, disregarding the fact that I've probably ripped Cinna's beautiful gold dress. I don't care. I'm not the mockingjay, despite the fact that everyone obviously wants me to be. I try my best to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs because I know if I do, they'll find me. Peeta with Willow, Haymitch, my mother. They'll find me and try to comfort me because they think they can. But they can't. I can't be comforted, not when it comes to Prim. No one will ever understand. Not Peeta, not Haymitch, not even my mother because for a long time, she wasn't a mother to Prim. I was the one who took care of her. I nursed her when she was sick and made her laugh when she was crying. I hugged her and I comforted her and I calmed her down when she got nightmares. I was the one who stayed strong for her after Dad died. I always tried to protect her, but I failed. I failed and I will never be able to forgive myself for it. I could have done something. I could have told someone not to let Prim out of 13. I could have done as I was told by staying in 13 until I was needed to kill Snow. Prim, Finnick, Boggs, they would all still be alive. I killed all of them. It's my fault. It's always my fault. 

I'm not sure how long it has been when the closet door opens. I'm not sure of anything. I can't think, I can't see straight, I can't breath, I can't move. It's Haymitch who pulls me out of that storage closet and holds me to keep me from falling. Peeta stands next to him, with a tear stained face and baby Willow in his arms. "Why-" I wheeze. "Why would they. . ." I can't even get all of my words out, but I don't have to. All of them saw what happened. They know what I'm thinking but can't find the words to say. 

"I don't know, baby," my mother says, pulling me into her arms. "They are so terrible to have shown that. All of it was cruel." For the moment, I let go of my grudges against her and I let myself be comforted. Not because it helps, but because I don't have the energy to do anything else but let go. 

Next is Haymitch, who embraces me and kisses the top of my head. "I'm so sorry Katniss. You shouldn't have had to see that," he says, his voice breaking. I know he genuinely means it. He's upset too. I know that Haymitch has always had a soft spot for kids, especially when they were killed. After all, he was District 12's only mentor. Until Peeta and I, he had to watch two children die every year. 

Then, I lock eyes with Peeta. He wraps his free arm around my waist, and rests his head on my shoulder. I almost feel bad. He had to witness all of that too, though besides his interviews, the majority of the film was about me. 

Willow, who is in between us being pressed against Peeta's chest looks up at me and smiles. It takes me a second to understand how she could possibly smiling, when my world has just crumbled once again. It's because she's too innocent, too young. She couldn't possibly understand the violence and the horrific tragedies her mother and father have witnessed. She doesn't know why her parents are upset. She doesn't know why she's wearing a pretty dress or why she isn't at home. But she will. She will grow up someday and she will be shown videos and images of Peeta and I, just like the one I saw today. She will see this interview. She will see her mother break down and cry. When I see her smiling, she brings strength back into me. 

"Katniss, you were right," Peeta whispers. "We never should have agreed to this." I press my forehead against his and place my hands on the sides of his neck, taking a deep breath. 

"But we did. And we're here. We have to go back out there." Before he begins to protest, I add, "We have to be strong for Willow." He nods, and we both shut our eyes and give ourselves a few moments to breath. Then, my mother takes our daughter and Peeta and I force ourselves back out onto the stage, I have to be strong for my daughter repeating over and over in our heads. 

________________________

WOW that was an emotional rollercoaster to write. 

I don't really have much to say except for the fact that this book's third anniversary is this month. WHAT. I know it's really cheesy but it literally feels like I just started this book. AND ALSO NOT SO FUN FACT I JUST REALIZED THAT THIS BOOK IS GOING TO END THIS YEAR NOPE I CRY. I have no idea when in this year but I'm like 99% sure it won't make it into 2017 *5000000 CRYING EMOJIS*

On a better note, 2015 has been such an amazing year on Wattpad. I reached soooo mannnyyy goals and I met so many people. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I honestly tear up every time I see how many reads, votes, and comments this book has because I started having no idea what I was doing. Not even kidding. I wasn't even completely in the fandom yet, I just kind of liked the idea of Everlark. AND NOW LOOK WHERE I AM OMFG. 

Okay that got real sappy real quick. (so much for "not much to say") 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY ME BECAUSE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THIS AMAZING BLESSING AND BECAUSE OF Y'ALL I HAVE DISCOVERED THIS BEAUTIFUL THING CALLED WRITING THAT I LIVE AND WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO I LITERALLY HAVE THE INABILITY TO THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME.

So sorry for the freaking essay of an author's note but I just had to express my love for all of you! <3

Remember to pleaseee vote and comment! I love reading your comments, they honestly make my day!! <3

-booklover2019