Chapter 122

Katniss

Numbness. It's the one word that I can use to describe how I feel. The scorching anger I've felt in the past hour has passed, for the most part. Still, I am almost afraid to enter my home again. I know, when I do, that Peeta will be there, and the fury will come barreling back to me. The images of his heart broken gaze are forever branded into my mind. I will never be able to get over the fact that I had caused him so much pain. But then I remember the pain he has caused me within the past days, and I somehow manage to forgive myself partially. Still, I really do wish I hadn't blown up like I did. I know I could have handled everything better, but he deserved it. Didn't he? It's what I tell myself, anyway. Of course he did. If I hadn't screamed those vile things at him, he would have done it again. Now I'm sure that he'd never even consider it. So, yes, I decide. It is for the better.

I step through the doorway to my house. Peeta is sitting on the couch in front of the fire, his head in his hands. At first I'm afraid he's having another flashback, but when he jumps to his feet and looks at me I know he isn't. His eyes are red and puffy, his cheeks stained with fresh tears. My heart wrenches and I have to look away. I don't know what to say to him. "Katniss, I'm so sorry!" he mumbles. I can't bring myself to meet his eyes.

"Gale told me to let you explain. I'm not sure if there's much to say anymore, though. I know that you were afraid, but so was I. Did you ever think of that? You were just thinking of yourself!" I spit.

"I know. I know I shouldn't have run. I should have stayed with you until you woke up."

"Then why didn't you? Why did you go?" I ask. Finally, I let the tears slip from my eyes and ignore them as they roll down my cheeks.

"Because. . .I don't know! I was confused. I didn't understand, I must have still been in my hijacked-mind. I didn't know what else to do!" he cries.

"Did the thought of me waking up alone after that ever cross your mind? If Haymitch hadn't found me, I'd have woken up without any clue to what had happened! You put me through nightmares every single night! The only comfort I had was the stupid old cat!" I scream. I can see him move forward for my arm, but he hesitates and refrains from touching me. "I had told Haymitch the first night that if I and the chance to go back and change anything, it wouldn't have been to save Finnick, or Cinna, or Ruth. Not even my sister! It would have been to insist that we stayed together that last night in the Quell. Because even if we were both captured, we'd have been together. We would have gone through it together." There is no stopping the hot tears anymore. I don't care. Why should I? Peeta should have to see the pain he's put me through, just as I have to with him.

"Katniss, imagine if you did what I did! How would you react?" he asks, his tone rising.

"I would have stayed here with you! To make sure that you were alright!" I yell. And I know it's true. I would never have even dreamed of doing what he did. It was cowardly and selfish. I am neither of those things. I refuse to be. "You're so clueless! You think that if you just tell me you're sorry and that you didn't mean to, everything will be okay. You expect me to forgive you after everything, just like that. You will never know the terror that you caused me. You'll never know how it felt!"

"I don't know what else to say! There's nothing else for me to do, besides apologize. I can't go back and change things. I wish I could. I wish, more than anything, that I didn't do this. But I did, and I'm so sorry for it. I never wanted to hurt you!" he says.

"But you did," I mumble, shutting my eyes tight, as if all of this would just go away.

"Don't you think I know that? I know that I did, and I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I'm not sure of what else you want me to do here. Do you want me to leave?"

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"Do you want me to leave? If I've caused you to hate me so much, I can leave. You don't have to see me again."

"Peeta, I don't hate you! I'm just angry with you. I don't want you to leave. . ." I whisper. I decide that I can't take much more of this. I'm too tired to argue now, but I am most certainly not finished. "I need to go upstairs. Alone." I can't bring myself to outright tell him that I don't want him to come upstairs with me, but he seems to take the hint.

Just as I'm about to turn away, though, he tells me, "I love you, Katniss. Always."

I shut my eyes tight, hoping that it will stop the flow of my salty tears. "No. . ." I whisper, not daring to look him in the eyes. I know I will see a look of pure hurt and agony. "You can't say that. You told me that you would always stay with me. But you didn't, and I don't want you to stop loving me too. You can't stop loving me." I know that my words must be hurting him, though my focus does not leave the floor.

"But I love you too," I add, before scurrying up the stairs before I start crying again.

***

The next morning, I wake from yet another sleepless night. I quickly tiptoe down the stairs, careful not to wake Peeta, who lies asleep on the couch. At least one of us slept last night.

In the kitchen, I begin to prepare the leftover turkey from a few days ago. I'm in the middle of slicing it, when Peeta says a small hello, practically scaring me half to death. I don't respond, I just stare intently at a small bowl of fruit that sits on the counter beside me. "Good morning," I finally mumble.

"Did you sleep at all?" he asks. I shake my head, but I don't turn to face him. I know he's here, and he knows I'm listening. I can't bring myself to look him in the eye again. I can't risk crying even more than I have already. "Katniss, I'm not going to stop apologizing. I'm sorry." I immediately notice a difference to his tone. He sounds more angry than he did last night. I don't say anything, afraid of my own words. I put the bird and the knife aside and sit in the livingroom. I do the best I can to hoist my legs up onto the chair I sit on. An awkward silence looms over us, as we both avoid eye contact as much as possible.

Finally, Haymitch staggers through the door, mumbling a hushed greeting. "Hi," I say. Haymitch sinks down on the couch and we're left in silence again. "Come on. You two are Katniss and Peeta," he says. "The star crossed lovers from District 12."

"No. We are not the star crossed lovers from District 12," I pause before adding, "That was fake. This isn't." The pained expression in Peeta's eyes wash away some, to quickly be replaced with a look of rage.

"You keep sending me these mixed messages, Katniss! First you scream at me and tell me you can't forgive me. You flinch away from me. Then you tell me you love me?" Haymitch obviously takes this as his cue to leave and disappears into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry! I'm trying. I'm trying to forgive you. I'm trying to find an explanation to why this happened."

"I'm trying to find an explanation too! I have no idea why this happened. Just like I said last night, I wish it hadn't. But it did and I am so, unbelievably sorry. I understand if you can't forgive me. What I did was unforgivable. I'm sorry," he says. I try to ignore the tears that continue to fall down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry that I screamed at you. You didn't deserve that."

"I did. I did deserve it, and you don't have to apologize for anything."

"I do, Peeta. I love you, and you shouldn't have had to take that, no matter what happened. I'm sorry. I just love you so much. I was afraid that I lost you," I whisper. I don't break the eye contact this time. I am not afraid. I will continue to forgive and forget, for as long as it takes me. Because I do love Peeta, more than anyone. I can't lose him. I don't want to lose him, so why am I treating him like this? The fighting is over. The searing anger has faded, replaced by guilt.

"I was afraid I lost you too Katniss. You're the only one I've ever truly loved. You and our baby," he says. I stand and make my way over to the couch he sits on, and wrap my arms around his neck. At first he hesitates, taken by surprise. I have craved his touch for what feels like forever, although it was really just a matter of days. But now I know that I truly cannot live without Peeta. I don't care what he's done, because it's over. He's here now, and I know that he will never leave me again. I love him, and he loves me. I don't care about anything else.

"Ah! I see my job is done here," Haymitch says, barging into the room. I'm going home to drink this," he says, waving a bottle of liquor in the air. I scowl and roll my eyes at him. "What? It's not like you'll be needing it." I roll my eyes again, trying to hide the slight smile spreading across my face.

______________________

So that was kind of an emotional rollercoaster and I had several feels attacks while writing it. Oops.

Anyways, I have absolutely no idea what's going to come next. I kind of have an idea, but I need to make sure it's all good with you guys. A time jump. To when Willow is a baby. Because I feel like there's too much time in between and all the chapters would just be fillers, so I think it's kind of necessary, but I won't do it unless you want me to. So it would be when Willow is like a month/a couple months old and throughout the chapter(s) there would be flashbacks of like the day she was born and other things that happened in between? Would that be good with you guys? If not, I'm completely out of ideas. Please comment what you think should happen! I love all of you so much!

-booklover2019