Chapter 40

Katniss

Johanna is back. I guess I can't say that I hate her. We trained together before I went to the Capitol. We were roommates. I guess I even considered her as my friend for a while. But it seems like all of that evaporated when I left for the Capitol to kill Snow. 

Annie is missing. What am I supposed to tell Ruth? Maybe she already knows. I doubt it. I don't really want to bring it up anyway. Ruth was shot because she went looking for Annie. But of course, her shooter--Enobaria probably, would have killed many more if she didn't shoot Ruth. Maybe that's what I'll tell her.

A question drifts into my mind. What about Annie's child--Finn. Is he missing too? Or is he motherless and fatherless for now? An orphan. The word makes me shiver. In District Twelve, there were many. Prim and I were practically orphans after our father died. They treat them horribly. They live in a tiny shelter in the middle of the District. They get less than the average amount of food, even for 12. They are forced to work at a very young age. Many of them die. I shudder at the thought of Prim and I in a place like that. But of course, we both have been in worse places. Me especially.

I look at Peeta, and begin to think about what he said. He wants another Games in the Capitol. I do too, but I can't help but think of the fear that went through me. The never ending nightmares that haunt me every single night. Could I force this onto another innocent child? Could I live with knowing that 23 children died mainly because of me. I have to. The Capitol did it to me and 73 others. That's the other thing. 74 victors. Four of them left. I shudder again and cross my arms.

I look at Peeta. His face is calm and peaceful. Sometimes I wish that he could sleep forever. He could be happy, but I know I can't live without him. I am too selfish to let him be happy and cause myself unhappiness.

I pull my knees up to my chest and lean back in the wooden chair I'm sitting in. I don't think, I just start humming the lullaby I sang to Rue while she died.

Deep in the meadow

Under the willow

A bed of grass

A soft green pillow

Lay down your head

And close your sleepy eyes

For when you wake

The sun will rise

I continuously hum the song softly. I'm not sure what makes me do it, but I do. I didn't even realized it was making me sad until a tear randomly falls out of my eye. Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm not sure.

The singing group Plutarch had wanted me to join showed up at my house a week after I got back from the Capitol. I didn't let them in and I pretended I wasn't home. I didn't want part of their club. I just wanted to sit in silence and grieve Prim. I did that for so long. Until Peeta finally coaxed me to begin speaking again. Then, he persuaded me to go out and walk and eat.

Here it's safe

Here it's warm

Here the daisies will guard you

From every harm

My lullaby continues. The words are repeating in my head, never stopping. Then, the song switched.

Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Where they strung up a man

They say murdered three

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight at the

Hanging tree

Images of my father and Prim and Rue flipped through my mind. Memories of all of them replay themselves over and over in my head. When Prim and I made the rope necklaces in our livingroom when we were young. When my father and I fished at the lake and ate Katniss roots and berries as our picnic. I wish that I had more memories of Rue. The only thing, really, is when we were eating out first meal together. When she said that she'd never had a whole leg to herself before. That really made me realize her innocence. She shouldn't be dead. None of them should be dead. 

I wonder how different things would have been if Rue came out alive. There would have been no rebellion, no new deaths. Snow would be alive. The Games would continue. I'm not sure which one is worse. Reality or this made up world. I decide neither.

I stop humming and listen to the silence of the room. Well, not complete quiet. I can hear Peeta's soft breathing beside me. I watch his face for a while. I know he is starting to have a nightmare when he scrunches up his face and his hands turn to fists. I consider waking him up because that's what he'd do for me but I remember what he said on the beach. He told me that his nightmares are usually about losing me and when he wakes up and sees that I'm there, he's alright.

I place my right hand softly on his cheek and draw pictures with my fingertip. Peeta's eyes open. At first, I can see they were filled with fear but it disappears when he saw me. Just like he told me on the beach.

"Hi," he says. His voice is dry and hoarse.

"Nightmare?" I asks. He nods and looks up at the ceiling. "Do you want to talk about it?" Now I'm beginning to sound like him. I think we might have rubbed off on each other. I've noticed that he's been more stubborn on some topics, like me. And I'm beginning to become softer. I don't like it. I know I probably shouldn't have asked him to talk about it, because I wouldn't have wanted to. But he does.

"Well, it started off with us in the livingroom of your house in 12." He swallows. "Then Fiona's soldiers stormed in and began destroying everything and lighting fires. Then one of them shot you. . .and. . ." His chin begins to tremble. I know how it's going to end. I would die in his arms. That's how my nightmares usually end. Him in mine. Or many people in mine.

I place my lips on his and close my eyes. I don't want him to keep talking about it. He doesn't want to either, I can tell. So this is the only thing I can think of at the moment. 

When we pull away, there was a tiny hint of a smile on his face. Iean my head against the wall and watch him while he watches me. We stare at each other, just thinking. I wonder what he's thinking about. What he always thinks about when he looks at me. I don't know.

"When can I get out of here?" Peeta asks. His voice is small and innocent, similar to a child's.

"Soon," I whisper, pushing his blonde hair out of his face. I'm not actually sure when he will be able to leave, but I tell him soon anyway. I have to. I have to give him even the smallest amount of hope. He nods and looks up at the ceiling.

"You don't have to stay here," he says. Of course I don't, but I can't leave him either. "Go sit by Ruth. She needs you more." I nod and kiss his cheek. He smiles slightly and I stand. I walk over to Ruth, a few beds down from Peeta. She's still sleeping. I sit in the chair beside her bed and take her hand.

Then, I started singing softly again. It brings tears to my eyes. This scene is so familiar. I can't help but think of Rue, in the grass with a spear in her stomach. Her sad brown eyes looking up at me as I held her hand while she died. How I couldn't save her.

Deep in the meadow

Under the willow

A bed of grass

A soft green pillow

Lay down your head

And close your sleepy eyes

For when you wake

The sun will rise

Here it's safe

Here it's warm

Here the daisies will guard you

From every harm

A random tear falls from my eye but I wipe it away quickly. It's selfish to think of Rue now. To cry for her now, while Ruth is here, in the hospital. I take a deep breath and take control of myself again. Ruth's eyes flutter open. "You can sing" she asks quietly.I didn't realize she actually heard me. I nod and smile weakly. "That was the lullaby you sang the girl from District 11."

I take a shaky breath, and nod. I have to hold myself together. I have to be strong. She nods and looks around the room. "Can you sing it again?" 

Deep in the meadow

Under the willow

A bed of grass

A soft green pillow

A little smile spreads across Ruth's face while I sing. It turns to a frown. "Am I going to die?" she asks. My heart feels as though it's crushed into a million pieces. I shake my head.

"No. I'm not going to let that happen," I say. She looks at me. I can tell she doesn't believe what I'm saying. "I promise." I whisper, squeezing her hand. She nods and slowly drifts back to sleep. I kiss her forehead and sing again.

Deep in the meadow

Under the willow

A bed of grass

A soft green pillow

Lay down your head

And close your sleepy eyes

For when you wake

The sun will rise

Here it's safe

Here it's warm

Here the daisies will guard you

From every harm

Hope you liked it! Remember, suggestions are always welcome! Make sure you vote! It only takes about three seconds and it seriously means a lot to me!