Thou Shalt not Criticise the Author Emsiecat

Summary:

Bilbo has a sensitive writer ego and is a brat <3 They're both brats, honestly... but we love them all the same.

Inspired by the prompt on bagginshieldhappiness's blog:

Anonymous asked: Did you see that post about Tolkien's editor not liking the abrupt ending of the Hobbit so that's why he added the battle in there? Now I imagine Thorin saying "Bilbo, the ending of the book is anticlimactic" and Bilbo gets mad and kills Thorin and his nephews off in his book because "How's that for anticlimactic?!"

Actual canonReally Thorin, criticize a hobbit's writing at your own risk.

Chapter Text

"It is..." Thorin paused, the words dying on his lips as he flicked his gaze up from the pages before him to the expectant face of his hobbit husband sat across the table from him. "It's hm... a very faithful retelling of the quest, ghivashel."

In the face of disappointing Bilbo, Thorin chose to answer as diplomatically as possible.

It was unfortunate circumstance however, that he and Bilbo had been married long enough for his hobbit to know when he was trying to soften a blow or be polite simply to spare another's feelings. His lovely face crumpled and Thorin felt terribly guilty.

"You don't like it," came the matter-of-fact remark.

"That is not true at all! It is a wonderful retelling, Bilbo it's just..."

"Please, Thorin. Be honest with me, you know I value your opinion."

"I'm not entirely sure why, dearest, I'm no wordsmith," Thorin muttered distractedly before taking a fortifying breath and speaking the truth as Bilbo had wished. "It's just... do you not think the ending a little abrupt?"

Bilbo blinked, and then frowned... ah that was not a good sign. "But you just said yourself it was a faithful retelling of our quest; what more can I say? Once Smaug was killed there was not much else that happened, save for you deciding to leave the ruling of the kingdom to Dáin."

Bilbo spoke true of course. Once Smaug had been slain, there was little else left to do but restore the kingdom to its former glory, and divide the treasure as had been promised. However, as Thorin and his Company had worked over the months, Thorin had decided that he was not particularly well prepared for ruling a kingdom, nor yet was Fíli or Kíli. Living on the road for so many a year, followed then by a simple life in Ered Luin had dulled the knowledge he had been taught when he was younger on how to act as king. He found that the idea of staying in one place for the rest of his life and giving his remaining years to the throne simply did not sit well with him any longer.

Therefore, at the earliest convenience, Thorin had sent word to his family in the Iron Hills that he was abdicating, and his heirs were renouncing their claim to the throne as well. Dáin had been content to take the role. Being a lord of his own lands had given him excellent practice, after all.

Satisfied that Erebor and his people there would be well looked after; Thorin had left with Bilbo.

"Aye, I know... but it just seems so-"

"So what?" there was a note to Bilbo's voice now, one that let Thorin know he'd best choose his next words very carefully.

"So..." oh blast it all, there was no gentle way to say it. "Bilbo, the ending of the book is anticlimactic. I'm sorry, I really am. I know you worked hard on this but it's not... it's simply not engaging enough once Smaug is dead."

Bilbo and he had been blessed, Thorin often thought this. They were a fine match for one another, their tempers much alike and personalities complementing each other wonderfully.

'Two halves of one whole' some folk would call it.

When Thorin had voiced such words once upon a time, Bilbo had laughed and kissed his cheek before declaring grandly that 'neither of us is half of anything; we are complete. We simply found another whole to achieve balance'.

Thorin found he loved that idea, and certainly, it did seem as if they balanced one another well. They could usually tell how the other felt or thought about a particular topic, and though they did bicker, they rarely properly argued.

Unfortunately, the high spots of colour on Bilbo's cheeks warned Thorin of just how much he had upset his husband with that rather blunt criticism. The hobbit seemed calm, serene even, but Thorin could see how his jaw worked as he clenched his teeth, and how his hands were balled into fists at his side.

"I am sorry, Bilbo," Thorin tried to amend, and meant his words sincerely. "You write very well, everything is so beautifully descriptive, it's just... perhaps our tale does not lend itself well for a storybook. It did rather lack excitement once Erebor was reclaimed."

"Oh," Bilbo sniffed disdainfully, his hurt feelings making him petty. "I suppose you know how a tale should be written then?"

Thorin winced, realising that though Bilbo had asked for a critique, he had probably been hoping for something a little gentler on his feelings than what Thorin had given him.

Writers...

"No, Bilbo. You know very well I cannot write a story like that... songs perhaps," he allowed. "But written stories are beyond my talent. You are a very fine writer. However, in this instance, I just feel you could probably do better."

"Right... right," Bilbo huffed and screwed up his nose, coming around to Thorin's side of the table and taking the book from him.

"Bilbo, I really didn't mean-"

"No, I asked you after all, and it is a little- never mind. Thank you for being honest."

Thorin was left feeling utterly dreadful as Bilbo clutched the book to his chest and all but stormed out of the kitchen.

Thorin had decided to try to apologise to Bilbo with actions as well as words. It was only right, given that he had inadvertently hurt Bilbo's feelings.

True, Bilbo could be a little oversensitive when it came to critiques, but Thorin had not exactly softened the blow when he'd given him his verdict on the book... and Bilbo had worked so hard on it as well.

Humming as he took the cake from the oven, Thorin set it to one side to cool.

One of Bilbo's favourite treats was honey cake (quite possibly due to a certain skin changer's recipe they had learnt on their travels), and though they didn't make it too often, Thorin felt that this was an occasion where it would be gratefully received.

He had barely finished cleaning up when Bilbo's head tentatively peeked around the doorframe having obviously smelled the cake baking.

The hobbit had holed himself up in his study after he had stormed off and had not come out since, until this very moment.

"Is that... honey cake?" Bilbo's voice was meek, embarrassed perhaps, and Thorin hid a smile before turning to face him properly.

"Yes, I wanted to apologise for upsetting you over the book, I could have been a great deal more tactful."

Bilbo shuffled in the doorway for a moment like a contrite child, then quickly walked over to Thorin and embraced him warmly. "It's quite alright, I shouldn't have sulked so. You were only giving your honest opinion... and I do value it, even if it did not seem like it at the time. I am sorry as well, for acting like a child."

Wrapping his arms around Bilbo in turn, Thorin nuzzled his face into the hobbit's hair, grinning. "Apology accepted."

The pair polished off the entire cake in record time that evening, the smial warmed with their laughter and light-hearted chatter.

Thorin had to know though...

"Just what were you doing all afternoon in your study, Bilbo?"

"Oh, just making some edits to the book. I'm hoping I can make it better."

The answer was rather vague, but Thorin accepted it for what it was and thought no more of it...

... At least until he found the book open on the last page the next day.

Because, that certainly was not what Bilbo had concluded the story with last Thorin had read it...

Curiosity piqued, Thorin flipped back a few pages and...

"You killed us!?"

"What was that, dear?" Bilbo was the picture of utter poise and nonchalance as he sipped tea at the breakfast table when Thorin strode in, the book in his hands.

"You! You killed me... and Fíli and Kíli, what in Mahal's name, Bilbo-!?"

"Well actually, your darling nephews popped by earlier and requested a noble death scene when they saw what I had written, so really I can't be entirely blamed for that."

Thorin spluttered, and looked in shock from his husband to the book and back again. Bilbo simply finished his tea and delicately set the cup aside as he waited for Thorin to compose himself.

Was it odd that even though there was the smallest part of him that was offended at being killed off in written form, he could actually appreciate the hobbit's wicked sense of vengeance?

Not to mention that...

"Damn it, it is actually really good now, Bilbo."

"Hm, they do say the pen is mightier than the sword, darling."

Thorin glowered, but could not keep up the act for long and soon found himself laughing helplessly as he tugged Bilbo to his feet, pulled him close and kissed him soundly.

"You," he punctuated each word with a brush of his lips. "Are evil. A menace. And I've no idea why people assume you are the nice one."

Bilbo shook his head and smiled ruefully at his husband. "I am sorry, this was ever so petty of me, if you would like me to change it so-"

"No, don't. It is odd of me to say this but... it is wonderful this way. Bittersweet and rather heart wrenching... not to mention it might mean the three of us will face less attention from folk clamouring for us to return to Erebor if the publication becomes wide-spread. I think you may have done us a favour."

Bilbo chortled happily, holding Thorin close. "Well then... how's that for anticlimactic?"

Thorin shook his head and reached out to tug lightly on Bilbo's curls. "You've more than redeemed yourself, 'ukrad ."