Chapter 1

(What I imagine Kelsey to look like)

There's a lot to explain on how I got to where I was, and where I am. Some things that have shaped me and made me the way I am. Nothing had ever been an easy ride, shit, it wasn't even a moderately difficult ride. Maybe I brought it upon myself, who knows? You learn from that shit you do, take the good with the bad and roll with it. And if you asked me today? I wouldn't change it for the world.

I guess you can say it started all the way back in the grade 3, when I moved from Scotland to London. Starting a new school was hard enough, try having a weird accent with red hair and enough freckles to fill the sky. Needless to say little kids aren't at all nice. being made fun of was something I either had to get used to or make the decision to stand up for myself. Better yet, make sure no one said anything to me ever again. That's what I decided to do.

One day I came into school and went up to the same boy who called me names every single day at recess. Without a moments hesitation he opened his mouth to say something such as "soul eater." Before he could even get the words out I pushed out my left arm and punched him as hard as I could. For the record, 9 year old me wasn't as all as strong as she thought. It was enough, however, to get him to fall down to the ground and start to cry. It didn't bother me that my teacher saw. I wanted her to see. I wanted everyone to see. This was a turning point in my school career.

That day and two key events. The first of course being hitting the kid who never got in trouble for bullying me. But the next thing, will always be the best day of my life. There's no surprise that I couldn't go outside for recess on that day, I had to stay inside with all the other troubled students. It didn't bother me much, seeing as all I did was sit and read while all the other kids played with their friends. There wasn't many children in the classroom, in fact there was only two of us. That was the day that I was introduced to Olajide, or JJ he would later tell me to call him. He was a boy a grade above me with dark skin and a loud personality. What made him stand out was that he didn't make fun of me, didn't bat an eye at what the other kids hated. Instead he introduced himself and force himself to become my best friend in the entire world.

After that, things got just a little bit easier. It wasn't that kids started to be nice to me, it was that I didn't care because I had one person being nice to me. Whenever someone said anything to me, he would stand up for me or he would laugh when I got into the other kid's face. It was the perfect set up. Hanging out at school became hanging out after school, turning into sneaking out to go to the park and try a cigarette and nearly throwing up. Getting drunk together for the hell of it and not giving a single fuck that everyone around out couldn't stand us.

We never left each other's side for 5 years. Even high school couldn't break us apart. Over the summer going into grade 9, things started to change about me. I got taller, and by taller I mean a whopping 5'1, and my freckles started to expand out. They no longer cluttered together to make me look like the actual color orange, but instead looked semi normal. That didn't stop me from wearing makeup to try and cover them up along with my other imperfections. My body started to curve out in the right places and soon I started to notice people noticing me, and not in a bad way. I liked the feeling.

The bullying had stopped by grade 9, I still didn't have any other friends except JJ, no one cared enough to bother with me, good or bad. JJ got a few new friends, just some kids that liked how obnoxious he was, even though I liked it first. It didn't stop him from being with me as much as he could. Being a grade higher than me, we never really saw each other in school except for when we skipped class, which was more often than not or at lunch. We never felt pressured to date, even though we did try practicing kissing once when I was in grade 5 and he was in grade 6, which only resulted in me punching him in the arm when he tried to put his tongue near mine. He was like the brother I never had and I felt so lucky to have found someone like that at such a young age.

And then JJ moved away.

Far enough where seeing him didn't happen as much and things took a turn for the worse for me while things only got better for him. When he left there's was no one there to scare off the people with bad intentions, no one to remind me what guys really wanted. and in grade 10, that's when I made the mistake that I'd never be able to fix. There came Aaron, and maybe if I would have told JJ about him, but JJ had started making videos on Youtube with his new friends and getting people to watch him and love him like I had. I started to resent JJ, I refused to answer his calls or watch his videos.

When Aaron started to show me attention I clung to him, was completely obsessed with him. We dated for 8 months before I finally let him take my virginity, I thought it was finally the start of something great. Someone found it in themselves to love me. I could never have been anymore wrong.

The next day I walked into school and all eyes were on me. Whispers and snickers could be heard while I walked slowly down to where I spotted Aaron with all of his friends. I felt relieved when I saw him, he was, at the time, my light. A smile had been on my face when I approached him, I'll never forget that day. He turned around just as I came up to him, his friends already laughing, knowing what he was about to say.

"I have to say Kelsey, you're not a bad lay, too bad I had to spend 8 months with you trying to get it though. Hope you don't mind, I took some pictures while you were sleeping." And even though my mind was racing, when he held out his phone to show me the disgusting pictures he took of my body while was on cloud 9 and asleep, I still had enough sense in me to rip his phone out of his hands and chuck in on the ground.

Of course my mom called the police and they were able to get the pictures permanently deleted and Aaron expelled, it still wasn't enough to stop the harsh words I had to listen to for my remaining years in that shitty school. Scaring people just didn't work anymore, and believe me, I got into a different fight every week. So much that I started to enjoy being hit, feeling something that wasn't the big gaping hole JJ left in my chest. He stopped calling by now, obviously moving on with his life.

Just when things couldn't get any worse, the worst happened. For some shitty reason I decided to go the Samantha's huge Christmas vacation party. Really it was just another excuse for me to get wasted beyond belief. It was going okay at first, no one was talking to me, but no one was paying me any mind either, which I was okay with. All alone I stood against the wall watch people laugh, dance, make out. Having fun being a teenager while I was just hoping I'd black out soon.

That's when he came over. The boy who taken my virginity and then threw it back in my face.

"Hi Kelsey." He said as if everything was alright.

"What the fuck do you want?" I spat.

Aaron rubbed the back of his neck, "I really need to tell you how sorry I am. I know there's no way you'd forgive me but you need to believe that I was just being stupid back then. My friends dared me to and I went along because I didn't want them to make fun of me, I regretted in as soon as I didn't. You gotta believe that I loved you a lot, fuck Kelsey, I still love you."

And I fucking did believe him.

That's how he got me into an empty room. That's how I let him hold my hand and pull me close and kiss my cheek and touch my knee.

That's also how it lead to him kissing me and pushing me onto the bed. Me realizing quickly where this was going and telling him to stop. Him telling me that he loves me and that he's going to show me how much he loves me. Me begging for him to stop pulling off my clothes because I didn't want to do it tonight. Him telling me to shut up because no one likes a tease. Me still crying and pleading for him to get off even though it was too late and was already having his way with me with nothing I can do about him.

All the while Aaron still kept whispering how much he loved me like it was always how it was supposed to be, like there wasn't anything wrong with this. What he was doing to me, taking away another piece of me. Making me feel more worthless than ever before. In his sick, sadistic mind, this was him apologizing to me.

I got out though, at one point I smartened up for a moment, quick enough to realize the lamp on the nightstand next to us. Before he knew what was coming, I hit him hard in the back, knocking the wind out of him and giving me just enough time to pull up the jeans he didn't even bother taking all the way off of me and nearly ripping the door off the handles in order to get away from him. I ran all the way home at 2 in the morning from a house that is 20 minutes away by car ride in the middle of December. All the while I knew exactly what I was going to do

The second I got home, I raced up the stairs, locked my door, careful not to wake my parents, I'd never want them to know what happed that night. It would crush them. By the time I had my phone in my hand I had calmed down enough to think. Was I really about to call him after nearly 2 years of not saying a word to him? After all of those ignore texts and calls. After him leaving me to fend for myself when he knew how much I fucking needed him.

Without too much more thought I went to his contact and pressed roughly on the call button. It rang once when my thoughts started to race again. What if he changed his number? What if he decided that he's too good for a troublesome girl like me and wants nothing to do with me. What if he completely forgot about me, that I was never as important to him like he was to me. What if-

"Kelsey?" I heard the sound of his voice along with laughter and talking on the background. All of it sounded like fun. Like he was happy.

"JJ." Was all I was able to get out before a fresh wave of tears poured down onto my face. Hearing my best friend's voice for the first time in what seemed like eternity was too much for me and I couldn't control my emotions, I didn't want to. All this time wasted and he still picked up as soon as I need him.

"Jesus Kells, what happened?" The noise in the background suddenly stopped, indicating he had gone into another room, somewhere private so we could talk. So he could help take away all of my problems. So I told him everything.

I told him about Aaron and all the kids at school and how I fight just to get a rise out of me and other people. How I went to that stupid party and what happened there and how fucking empty I feel all the time. And how badly is sucks that nothing's going to change, my life is still going to suck even after I get off the phone with him.

"And you know what JJ? I fucking hate you for leaving me, for letting this happen. Because while you're wherever the fuck you are having the time of your life I'm here. You left me in the good for nothing town with an army of people who couldn't give a fuck if I was alive or dead. You left me with nothing. We were supposed to get out of here together, remember?"

It was perfectly silent on the other end for god knows how long. I know now how selfish it was of me to say anything like that to him when he had no control over where he went. But he still didn't yell back, didn't try to explain what happened.

"That's still going to happen Kelsey, you'll see, I'll get it all sorted out. I'm getting you the fuck out of that town if it's the last thing I do, we'll run away to a different country if we have to. Don't worry, I haven't left you and I'm never going to. You'll be out of there in no time."

And the time, I didn't know how right he was.