21

"Haerin, the team-sync meeting?"

I stopped clicking on the screen and noticed Namjoon standing above me. My mouth opened. Then it shut. Then opened again. Something got stuck in the process and then I shook my head. I don't recall how many times I did that before Namjoon called me again.

"Will it happen?" He prodded.

"I..." My eyes fell back to the keyboard, "...can you ask Mr Min to preside today?"

I didn't look at him. He walked away, focused on the task at hand.

My hands steadied over the mouse. Click. Click. Click. That sound of something happening. I saw the words and the emails but my mind couldn't register. It was like watching a train move too fast. What could I even do about that?

I was alright. In fact, I hadn't even shed any tears. I was doing perfectly fine. Plus, my tasks were already underway. The to-do list for the day had enough items checked off. I was doing fantastic. Great. Good.

"Haerin?" A second voice called and I turned.

"Mr Min..." I stumbled to stand up but he motioned for me to sit.

"No meeting today?" He touched the back of my hair, head bent lower to see what was up.

But it was just this one time. I never skipped team-sync meetings. Just this once.

Something crawled into my chest. Fear. Did I do something wrong by declining? I couldn't even read Mr Min's face. He was too serious for me to assess.

"No—I—I am not well today," I confessed, my voice weak. "I was hoping I could go home early today. Maybe after I complete my assessment with the Cybersecurity."

"Everything okay?" He patted my back and I froze.

"Y—yeah." I smiled but I couldn't even understand what was happening with me now. It was like a blurred memory. And it wasn't a lie. I was okay. I was alright.

Yeah—shocked, but alright. Yes. I was doing just fine. I always did fine no matter what. Nothing new.

"Okay." Mr Min tapped my chair twice to let me know it really was okay. "Let Mr Jeon know. Or postpone the assessment, I suggest. If you're not well, there's no point in risking the final assessment for that."

I could do that. I'd have to ask that man for it, though. And he didn't seem promising.

Mr Min left me alone, and I completed a few tasks. It was all a haze. I don't know why but all I wanted was to go home as soon as possible.

I packed my bags and gathered all my things, including my handbag. It was a plan of mine to leave straight after the assessment was over.

And what after leaving?

Probably go home. Probably? No, definitely go home. Drink water. Peel all this useless prep off me. Maybe fall asleep watching a laughing track of Friends or Welcome to Waikiki. That sounded like something I desperately wanted to do. Instead of staring into a void.

And it wasn't because of Jong Suk or anything. Of course, not him. I just felt sick in my stomach. Not the menstruation kind. It felt like I was coming down with something. Nothing serious. Just...work fatigue.

So the most logical thing to do as a good employee would be to leave.

So I did.

I walled to the elevator, wringing my hands as I headed to the third floor. I was trying to breathe. I really was. But you know this feeling when you're just too aware of your breathing? Yeah—that fucks up the system. That's what was happening.

I chooo'd out a breath and stepped on the cybersecurity floor.

"Morning, Haerin!" The reception waved with bright smiles.

I waved back and turned to the dreaded cabin. It was the final assessment. I just had to get through this. And because it was the final one, I had second thoughts about maybe postponing it. Mr Min's fault for giving me this idea.

I pushed the door and of course, it was freezing there.

Jungkook was pressed against his chair, typing relentlessly on his keyboard. Too loud.

"M—Morning." I stuttered and cursed myself for it. "Should I start the assessment—"

His gaze snapped up at me. I blinked.

The wound on his face was still perceptible but no dark mark was visible. So it was relieving that maybe it was a small cut. Not a big dark mark that spoiled his face.

"Sit here." He pointed at the chair opposite him. "The assessment is ready. Just click on the link."

Another phishing shit?

"No, it's not a phishing link." He smirked.

I gulped, unprepared that he already knew my mind. Placing my laptop on the desk, I sat down and logged on.

Good. At least, it wasn't a phishing link.

That's what I thought. I shouldn't have.

It was quite clear that the links I had to inspect were suspicious. That was my assessment. To find the good links from the bad. But the moment I selected the wrong one, my body opened up like it wanted to run from there.

I gasped and my head shot up.

Jungkook continued typing like he didn't want to know. But I. I wanted to go home already. I didn't want to mess up more than the first question.

For a long time, I stared at my screen, relapsing through my mistake over and over. Then, I blinked at him.

It's okay Haerin. Just leave. Don't crack. Just leave.

"Um...Mr Jeon?"

He didn't stop typing, "Yes, Miss Kang."

I cleared my throat. I had already promised myself that all I needed was to go home. That's all.

"Can I...go home early today?"

He didn't answer.

Damn it.

I tried again, "I've already had a word with Mr Min and he has agreed. I promise I'll complete this assessment on Monday."

"You've clicked on the wrong answer in the first few seconds." This time he looked up to see my shameless face. "And now you need to go home? If this is your way to avoid the test—"

"It's not." I cut in.

"Then?" His brows furrowed.

"I'm not well today," I answered, "That might be affecting my performance. I think it's best I leave for the day. I promise I will complete this on Monday. I—"

"Okay." His voice softened. Just a bit. But it did. "There's nothing we can do if you're not well. You can leave."

My feet flew up as if I was scared he would change his mind. I gathered my things and left the room with a quiet thank you. That's all.

He didn't even press further. And that was somehow the best part. I rushed out of there with my body shaking from the entire thing.

•••

Sometimes you know you're stupid. But you do it anyway. Because in the heat of the panic and urgency, every rational decision feels like the risk of losing what you can't have. We've all been there. Stupid. Unreliable. And doing things that will make us want to stab ourselves every time we remember it.

And apparently, I was one step away from becoming the brand ambassador of putting my foot in my mouth.

I thought about it a lot. And all that I woke up to on Saturday, was the realisation that I had exactly one day left to save whatever I had with Jong Suk.

Logic said that it was pathetically late. But my head told me that I never had enough time in the first place.

He would be leaving for New York right after getting married on Sunday. And I didn't want to store regrets for what I had with him.

It was stupid. I knew it.

But I didn't think it through when I ended up outside his place in the heat of the afternoon. No amount of make-up could hide how pale I was with nervousness when I got out of the taxi at his door.

And when he opened the door, I felt like a stalker. Maybe that's what stalkers feel like when they finally confront their targets.

His expression changed.

Just for a moment, his eyes lit up. Then, they drowned in horror and confusion.

He stepped out, quick on his feet as the door slammed shut behind him.

It was weird. Weird to see that door shut. I used to walk through it so easily a year ago. And I had always believed that in the future of my dreams, I would have this house as my own. I even spent time learning the lock of the door, so that I wouldn't spend much time unlocking it on days when I wanted to pee urgently and came home rushing in.

And the front yard? I hated the plants he chose—or his mother did. I preferred the flowering kinds of plants around the place instead of the decor greenery. I wasn't even into gardening. But back then, all of this seemed like a place I'd someday live in. And I still wanted to. I was still hoping. Just—hoping that I wouldn't have to change all of that in my head.

"Haerin? Why—what are you doing here?" Jong Suk caught my elbow, pulling me towards the shadier thatch of the roof.

"I wanted to talk to you." I gripped the sleeve on his arm. "I—I—"

"You can't just drop in here anymore, Haerin." He insisted, eyes almost pleading with me to understand.

I didn't give a fuck about what I had to understand. What did 'understand' even mean at this point?

"Don't do this, please." My fingers dug into his sleeve until they numbed. "I thought about this. I thought about what you told me. And—and, I can't let you go through with this! This is ridiculous, Jong Suk!"

"Haerin..." He separated my fingers from his sleeve but I latched on again. "Haerin...don't make this harder than it already is, please. I've had to convince myself so much...I can't go back. I really can't."

"I don't get this! We both were in the same place! What changed?" I tried to shake him, but as rugged as he was, he didn't even move. "Please rethink this. It's too soon. It doesn't even make sense to get married to move on! Jong Suk, I even thought of our children's names. You can't just forget everything—"

"Haerin, you were the one who left me." He yanked my fingers off him and shook me away. "Did you forget what you told me about moving on? Why are you—what are you even doing this for now? I waited for you but you didn't come back. And in a way, it was the best you could have done. There were too many issues between my mother and you. It wasn't going to work out anyway..."

"No, Jong Suk. That's not how relationships work!" I closed my fists, aching to grab his scorching white t-shirt again. "I broke up but I didn't think you'd abandon me like this! You even said you missed me...what happened to that?"

"That was...a mistake." He lowered his head, pinching his eyebrows as if talking to me was making his head ache. "I shouldn't have—"

"But you did!" I stepped closer. "You don't mean this. I know you still love me. You do. Think about this again. I'll change. I'll talk to your mom and change. Believe me, I can—" My hands tried to grab him again, but he twisted himself off. Roughly this time.

"Haerin stop it." He tried to urge, annoyed now. "Don't make a scene. I can't go back. I don't want to. Please, go back home. You're embarrassing yourself."

Something snapped in me when he said that.

With Jong Suk and me, I was always the one who played hard to get. That was the way I thought I could keep things in control. And I did. I never embarrassed myself for him. And with him saying that to my face, it felt like the insult of the century. But what was shame when everything felt like the last chance?

"Am I?" I scowled, my body shaking. "You are. You promising me that you will always be there was embarrassing, Jong Suk. I believed you! I really did! I can't go back. Please just—please don't act so smug—"

"You know what, Haerin?" His brow twitched and he stepped back. "I'm leaving. I can't talk to you. You're not even making sense."

"How can you just—?" I caught his wrist like it meant life. Because it did. Right then. It did. "Don't you dare let me go! I'm warning you—"

"Haerin, let go!" He yanked his hand back but I threw my hands around him like a psycho.

I felt it. Like I was deranged or something for doing that. I felt stupid and crazy. But I couldn't stop my body. It was on fire. And at that moment, all I wanted was for him to cool me off. But he only struggled. Like a cowardly bitch.

"No, I will not! You can't just walk away like this!" I gripped his shoulders. He pushed me off a few times and I ran back.

Even with his back turned, I almost climbed on his back like a backpack so that he wouldn't leave me there like it didn't matter what happened to me.

"Haerin just—" he turned and threw me off his back hard enough to make me land on the ground.

But I was mad. I got up on my feet and dusted myself. Guilt flickered in his eyes but he was getting annoyed by the second.

"You can't just go away like that!"

"I can!" He yelled. "I can go away because that's how relationships work!"

"No, they don't! Unless you never loved me!" I pointed my finger at him, my entire body vibrating with something I was scared to understand. I launched towards him. "Take me back! Take me back, please!"

His vision changed. And the next thing I knew was his hand ramming against my cheek.

He slapped me.

My head turned to the side with the impact. It was hard. Too hard. Hard enough to make me blink at stars. I didn't even understand that it happened. Not until I heard him apologising to me, promising me that he didn't mean it. The rest of the things went ablur.

Of course, he didn't mean it.

Right?

I clutched my cheek, already wincing from the shooting pain.

But something in me couldn't look up at him again.

Shame?

I didn't even know what. And what the hell kind of slap was this that even made my head spin a little. He had used too much force. Too much of it. And the noise in my ears started beeping like the end of a heart-rate machine.

I blinked for a few seconds more, trying to relapse.

He was saying something. I couldn't hear what it was. All I heard was that long and shrill whistle in my ear. Like when your body's screaming but your mind's still catching up.

I couldn't catch up.

The sky didn’t care. The clouds above just watched in silence, unmoved, stretching over a neighborhood that felt alien to me now. A world that once made sense—it had turned on me too.

I stared down at the ground for what could’ve been minutes, or maybe only seconds. A line of ants were making their way across the pavement. And weirdly, that’s what I focused on. Tiny creatures still going somewhere, still having direction, while I stood there—stuck. No purpose. No direction. Just this burning sting on my face and a stomach full of regret.

Everything around me felt muffled. Like I’d been submerged under water, and everyone else was living on land, breathing just fine. Except me.

I still couldn't catch up.

Not to him. Not to what just happened. Not even to the pain yet. It was like everything was a few steps ahead and I was dragging my body through wet cement.

The world around me moved on anyway. A car passed by. A bird chirped. Somewhere, a curtain was pulled back by an old lady from the neighbor's house.

Did she see?

Did she see him do that to me?

I didn't even flinch at the thought. I just stood there, eyes open but not really seeing, the side of my face slowly warming up from the burn of his hand.

I used to imagine this road being the place I'd push a stroller down. With him. Maybe with a little dog tugging at the leash, and him running up behind me with coffee in hand and his goofy morning smile.

That was gone now.

Or maybe it was never real to begin with.

The silence between us wasn't silence anymore. It was noise—loud and metallic, ringing in my ears like static that wouldn’t fade. It was driving me mad. I needed to move.

I couldn't even cry. I was just trying to stop my head from beeping that we were cutting off the life support.

And maybe I did. I did cut it off. Because my feet turned, and I walked out of there.

It was like that perfect moment to break down but I didn't know how to. I wanted to but I couldn't even cry. To be honest, I didn't even know what I felt right then. Was I angry? Was I sad?

What did I want from myself?

My hands trembled as I pulled out my phone and tried to dial the one person I thought I could say this to. Bo Ah. She was the only one who would hear me out. Even though she might first kill me for talking to him, I had no other choice left.

And I struggled to find her contact and dial her, dragging my feet across the pavement. But she never answered. I had to cut the call and head home quietly.

I just offered to sell myself to that guy for a penny and he didn't even want me for free.