Innocent

The next day seemed better than the last, smoother, easier, a little less heaviness in my chest. Maybe it's the fact that with each passing day we were going more and more north, back to the pacific northwest, a place that I used to call home. Maybe I was just adjusting to touring. Maybe I was detaching from Noah, making it easier to survive without his constant presence. Tonight the boys were playing in Portland, they were already busy in the venue, leaving me on the bus to edit photos from the previous night.

I was almost ready to close my laptop and join the boys in the venue when the bus door opened and familiar footsteps came up the stairs. Noah rounded the corner with a devious grin on his face. "What are you up to?" I asked with a quirked brow.

"I have a minute, I thought I'd make good use of it" he said as he slowly stalked over to where I sat at the table. He stopped at my seat and waited for me to look up at him before he reached forward and took my wrist in his hand, pulling me out of my seat easily. He steadied me on my feet before turning towards the back of the bus, tugging me behind him. We passed through the darkened bunk hall and stopped in the back lounge where Noah pulled me close to him as he leaned down, harshly pressing his lips to mine. After a moment, Noah began backing up, taking me with him, his legs hit the couch along the back wall of the bus and he slowly sat down, never breaking the kiss but pulling me onto his lap to straddle him. His hands roamed my body greedily as if looking for something he knows he cannot have. Noah only broke the kiss to wander down my neck like he's done many times before, eliciting many sounds of enjoyment from me, that's why he did it, he just likes hearing those ridiculous noises I make.

"Fuck" I breathed out as he finished his assault on my neck.

"One day, baby, one day," he whispered as he raised back up to meet my lips with his, this time much softer than before. A few more soft kisses before he stopped completely. "How was last night for you?" he asked leaning his head back to look at me

"It was a little overwhelming" I said as I sat up straighter.

"First shows can be" he nodded.

"I was stuck up front the whole time, so I'm hoping in this venue I have an escape route" I gestured behind myself towards the venue.

"I think you do" he said as his hands rubbed up and down my thighs comforting me without me even knowing it. A moment of silence hung over us before I could pull words together to speak again, "I don't know if this is the best career path for me" I confessed before pulling my eyes up to meet his gaze.

"He let out a breath before he spoke. "You might think differently by the end of the tour" he countered.

"We'll have to wait to see, I guess" I shrugged my shoulders although I already knew my mind was made up. There's a part of me that yearned for simplicity, the mundane routine of working in a studio and doing newborn sessions during the week and weddings on the weekends. I want to go home everyday to the same bed in the same house and know that everything is the same. Those thoughts reminded me of home, not L.A., not Washington, but Maryland, where everything is the same as I left it. But the man in front of me. That's why it can't be simple, I love him, but his life isn't simple. I'm going to have to make a choice, comfort or love, neither have I felt in such a long time. Noah moved his hands to cover mine that had settled on his chest.

"I got to get back for sound check, you have time to come along?" he asked as his brown eyes bored into mine. I nodded before cautiously standing up and being led off the bus.

Standing in the long carpeted hallway I waited for Noah to unlock the door to the hotel room we'd be staying in for the night. We are about a week into the tour and finally have a little extra time to spend in a single city. Noah opened the door and held it open for me to enter first. It was a double queen since technically we weren't supposed to be sharing a room at all considering I work for the band. I was thankful Nick decided to turn a blind eye to this, instead of throwing a fit like he often does. I stood near the first bed as Noah moved around the room settling in. I stared at the stark white bedding, Was this our opportunity? We're still only doors down from my brother and definitely under the same roof. Do the same rules apply for hotels? I don't know.

"Is something wrong?" Noah's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. 

"Nope, Not at all" I said quickly turning to face him.

"Do you want to go find somewhere to eat? I think the guys are meeting downstairs in a few minutes." he asked, gesturing to the door behind him.

"Yeah, I'm actually starving," I conceded.

"You haven't been eating very much lately" he stated as he led me to the door.

"It's hard to eat sometimes, it's hard to eat when I'm anxious" I defended.

"I understand, I just think you need to work on being less anxious" Noah went on as we headed down the hallway.

"It's not as easy as just saying it, Noah" He was beginning to bother me.

"Look, we have some friends in town that are throwing a party, the guys are going, why don't we go, you could have a few drinks maybe loosen up a little and just relax" he suggested as we stepped onto the elevator. There goes my hopes for the evening.

"Sure" I was most definitely not sure and very much so uncomfortable with the idea of going to a strangers party.

We met the boys in the lobby and went down the street looking for a place to eat. They settled on a burger place not far from the hotel. We sat in a round booth in the back corner of the restaurant, I sat squished between Nick and Noah yet again. My mind wandered, not very interested in the topics they discussed. They talked of the party and of the coming shows along with past shows and it just couldn't keep my attention. My mind reverted back to its earlier topic, When would it happen? Did I want it to happen tonight? Had it crossed Noah's mind as much as it has mine, surely it has, right? Was it worth it happening tonight? surely the longer we wait the more romantic the moment must be and a simple hotel room just seems sad at this point right? Now I think I'm overthinking again. A hotel room is fine, I have to be okay with it, that's what it'll end up being in the end.

"Alllex" Noah called my name quietly. I turned my head to look at him, "You're so busy over there thinking, your food is getting cold." he gave me a look that's hard to describe, I guess it meant, 'get out of your head, Alex'.

Later in the evening Noah and I started getting ready to go out. He told me the party was casual so I stuck to jeans with my converse and black cropped t-shirt with minimal makeup. Once again heading down to the lobby to meet the boys, Noah held me close in the elevator giving me a sense of comfort ahead of my night of stress. Meeting the boys in the lobby we headed out and down the street in the direction of the club that was within walking distance. Noah held my hand as we walked and stayed between me and the street. Arriving at the club the boys single file went down what looked to be not the safest concrete stairs I've ever seen, Noah gestured for me to go ahead of him giving me a sense of dread already. Following Behind Jolly my view was cut off as we first entered, as he moved on and I slowed down I took in my surroundings of the dimly lit club. This was not a dress casual event, at least not for the women. I felt incredibly small as I scanned the room and took in how many people there were. Noah stepped in front of me and took my hand, leading me along.

Noah led me to the back of the small club and up a small flight of stairs. I caught sight of the boys once I peaked around Noah, he began introducing me to strangers, I did the best my awkward self is capable of and tried to be a presentable girlfriend for Noah's sake. Noah pulled me a few steps back to a rounded couch where he pulled me to sit close to him. A comforting feeling to be so close to him, to have so much of our bodies touching. Nick came from the stairs and handed a drink off to me, something I was thankful for. I had something to keep my hands busy and my mouth occupied. I wasn't listening to the conversation the boys were having yet again, I heard it a hundred times by now, this time it includes strangers. I let my mind wander to nowhere in particular, I didn't have to overthink right now, I'm with Noah, I'm safe, I even have alcohol. After a few drinks I had to excuse myself to find a restroom. hopping down the stairs I rounded the corner and pushed through the crowd of dancing girls in skin tight sequined dresses. Anxiety hit as I felt stuck in the crowd like drowning in a sea of people. I pushed through and out of the moving crowd not far from the ladies room. I stepped forward and pushed the door open.

Once in the safety of the small bathroom I slipped into the only open stall and let out a deep breath. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. The sound of giggling girly girls in their skin tight dresses floated into the bathroom with the dull thud of the door closing behind them. I can't stand the sight of them, of the thought of Noah looking at them and what he must think of them, it made me sick. This is not the evening I wanted.

"Did you see that little thing Noah has with him?"

"Yeah, I saw her back in L.A., I don't know what he sees in her"

She's got nothing, she looks like a kid,"

"Maybe he has a thing for breaking in virgins"

"If that's the case she'll be gone in no time"

"I'm trying again tonight regardless"

their voices faded behind the sound of the door closing. If I wasn't standing in one of the questionable bathrooms I've ever seen I'd slid to the floor and cry right about now. I quickly exited the bathroom and went straight to the bar where I last saw Nick. When I caught sight of him, he had a girl hanging off his shoulder, good for him. I strode over as fast as my short legs permitted. "Hey, Nick, I don't feel well, I'm going back to the hotel, Will you let Noah know when you see him?" I shouted over the heavy music.

His face showed confusion at first before he started nodding, "Yeah, I'll let him know, stay safe, kid" he called as I started walking away. as I neared the door I looked over my shoulder to spot Noah one last time, there she was, right there. Why did I leave the hotel in only a t-shirt I don't know, I'm stupid, as I walked back in the freezing air I debated, hotel bar or hotel heated pool? The pool was surely closed by this hour of night, hotel bars were made for people in my state, hotel bar it is. As I made my way through the revolving door I turned straight in the direction of the bar and took the first seat I saw in the nearly empty bar. I ordered a jack and coke and decided to mindlessly immerse myself in the baseball games playing above my head.

After a few more drinks at the hotel bar I felt tipsy and the boys had yet to make their way through the lobby. I paid my tab and stood from the barstool. Making my way to the elevator I tried to figure out why the boys still hadn't made it back, was it really that entertaining? Opening the hotel room door I stepped in and immediately stripped down and went to the bathroom, starting the shower. I did the whole routine, Shampoo, conditioner, shave, wash, everything, I ran out of hot water and still the boys had not returned. I got out wrapping a towel around myself and started on skincare before drying my hair. Making my way back into the hotel room I decided to sleep in one of Noah shirts and nothing else. I laid down on top of the perfectly made bed and fell asleep. Still the boys had not returned.