Chapter 36

"I never thought I'd see you again sitting on my couch." I sit here in Joan's office for the first time since I don't know when,'but I have that sense of familiarity that I've been here more than a couple of times.

"Yea, I don't-" I start but I really don't know what to say. I don't actually know how this works. I'm used to replying back to that kind of words with 'Oh I've been stuck in Dallas during quarantine' or something like 'yea, I'm happy to see you again.' Those kind of scripted lines I would say whenever an encounter happens.

This is different. She knows I have amnesia, I don't remember things. I can't remember my story from when she knew me. I mean, the old Shannon. The depressed and messed up one. She knew her and probably knew a lot of things about her. I'm not that person anymore, I know it.

"Here" I look up as she hands me a can of soda and sits down on the couch in front of me. I stare at the can in my hands before opening it up and having a taste of it the liquid burning down my throat but still refreshing. "We have so much to catch up on don't we?"

"Yea" I mutter as I wipe the liquid off my lips.

"Well, I'm going to start by saying, hi." She smiles. " I'm Joan Harris. I was your psychiatrist last 2019, I still am since you're in front of me. Married, have two kids, Kyle and Kimberley. Kyle's nine years old and Kimberley's six. I've been doing this for almost 10 years now and Lizzie's been with me through six of that." That last one bit had me at surprise. Six years, that's fucking too long. But hey, when you live in a world where random , rude and invasive people follow you around your whole life, it alone gives so much justice to that.

"So tell me about yourself, right now." She specified the 'right now' thing and it kind of made me smile. Its very rare for someone to ever asked me about who I am at the moment, and all that were focused on was what I was like before. She smiles at me and nods, turning her full attention as I start to speak.

"I'm Shannon Beveridge. I am a content creator, photographer, and an LGBTQ+ advocate. I'm from Dallas, Texas. My parents are there right now but in two separate homes, they're divorce but they're great friends. I have a sister she's in New York and she's a psychiatrist too." She smiles, which was a surprise to me since I was expecting her to ask why isn't she the one doing this. I guess she already knows that part from the past.

"What else, I work with Marvel currently on probation and I think I'm getting a hang of it. I also do filming with Storyblocks and I think I might be entering the directing world soon, I guess. Yea, my life's pretty great actually. I have the most amazing and beautiful girlfriend and you know her." She nods and smiles. I sigh with a smile on my face thinking about those green jade eyes. "Oh I love that woman."

"I can tell really. You have that same glimmer in your eyes when you talk about her." I smile upon hearing that and somehow the single question I really want to ask her that's been on my mind for three days since that incident at Elizabeth's house is all I can think about right now.

"Uhm Joan-" I start and she raised her brows. "Can you tell me, what was I like. I mean, two years ago. Elizabeth doesn't really tell me everything unless I asked and with her situation right now. Its really hard to push her to tell me without triggering a panic attack."

"Do you really want to know?" I nod.

"Why? You said it yourself, your life's pretty great. Why do you still want to know about it?"

"Well" I paused thinking, she's right my life's pretty great at the moment and I should just move on right from here. "I don't know actually, it just feels like there's something missing." I sighed and sit back on my seat my mind going through the memories I have recovered from the last 5 weeks since I've found out about all of this. Some of it made sense but more of it doesn't and its making me so lost.

"I don't even know how I got here in the first place." I mutter. There was a moment of silence between us two that I didn't even noticed because my minds full of playing pictures of everything that's in it while I subconsciously stare at the can of soda in my hands. Starts from when Scar found out and told me everything then it continues with random bits and pieces from the past two fucking years.

"Alright, well I'm not really allowed to disclose your files to you and that is a major rule." She suddenly says making me look up to her a bit disappointed.

"Oh" I whispered.

"I'm sorry about that."

"No, that's okay maybe it doesn't matter right. I should move on, I'm happy at the moment." I tried to give her a convincing smile but she looks at me long enough to see through that. She smiles, apologetically before changing the subject.

"So I watched the interview with James Corden and that is something. How do you feel doing that again?" I smile, it turns out the interview went pretty smoothly on tape than it was on live and everything blew up after that was aired. Our phones were blasting. Emails, texts, calls, notifications and invites were coming in every second that passes that I'd have to put it on DND. The only call that I answered was from my mom, my sister and Scarlet's.

"Yea, it was good but its strange since I've never done TV before. Like being interviewed with a live audience is very different from being interviewed one on one. But that's great." Then my mind went to that part of the interview where I accidentally spilled out the truth. Should I tell her about that? Does it matter-

"What is it?" My eyes looked back to Joan, who is looking at me with raised brows and somehow I was confused on what she's on about.

"What?"

"You're smile faded and you were in deep thought?" Fuck, too fucking obvious Shan. I sigh before finishing off the last of my soda but keeping hold of the can. It distracts me in some way. "Did something happen that day?"

I come to think of it, going back, how she got worried when the words rolled out of my mouth like it was suppose to, how she pulled me off stage and yell at me in her dressing room because apparently, we were not suppose to bring 'that' up.

"Yea" I whispered. "Me and Elizabeth had a fight."

"About what?" She asks shifting in her seat and turn her full attention to me. I've never talked to anyone about this even Scar. Well, Kathryn knows but Elizabeth was the one who told her, she didn't hear my side of the story. "Its okay, if you don't want to talk abou-"

"I want to" I say cutting her off in mid sentence. "I really want to." She gives me an encouraging smile and nods for me to continue and so I did.

"During the interview, I might've said something that might actually reveal something about what really happened to me, to us." Her brows furrowed. Maybe trying to recall what it might be.

"The one where James asked how did it happen? Like me and Elizabeth and did I know if this thing was going to be so huge, and I told him quote 'No, actually I didn't even had a clue that we existed' unquote."

"Oh"

"Yea" I whispered again and let out a sigh. "They've cut that one out. Elizabeth got mad that she had to take me to her dressing room to just tell me off about it. But you know, a part of me really wants to just spill it out."

"What did you say to her?"

"Nothing." I say looking back to her shaking my head then put my gaze back to the soda can in my hand. "She had a panic attack after that and so I just had to let it go and make it right." I let out a sad chuckle even though nothing seems to be funny at the moment. "I saved it though, and nobody ever noticed or got suspicious on anything. Yea, so I might be stuck with the Dallas card forever."

"Dallas card?"

"Oh right, its a thing I always say whenever I have some encounters with people that knew me before who I can't remember at all. I always say I was stuck in Dallas during quarantine, and it works all the time. but I hate it, it gets tiring to pretend you know something that you actually don't and force yourself to remember things you have no memory of. It makes my head hurt so bad."

"You have headaches more often?" I nod in response.

"Mostly when I had flashbacks or just a stressful or a tiring day. Usually it goes away immediately. The worst I had happened on the same day of the interview, it lasted for a whole day."

"Have you got it checked? your head?"

"Not yet actually, My doctor's in Dallas so I might go this this Friday to get it checked." She nods in response before taking a sip of her tea quite deep in thought too.

"These flashbacks, do they come more often?"

"Yes, they come when I see something or go somewhere I've been before. Sometimes, when Elizabeth tells me things from the past." I shrugged like it was a normal thing for me to have flashbacks now, some of them I enjoy and some of them I don't. Its like daydreaming but it feels so real you can feel it in your bones. Its strange.

Bright light!

"What was that?" I look up and see worry lace in her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"What?" I asked so confused on what happened.

"You scrunched your eyes tight and somehow winced." Did I? I try to recall if I did but all I could think about is that bright light that's been haunting me for the past three fucking days.

"Shannon?"

"Yea?" She raised her brows, still waiting for an answer. "I'm fine uhm- the thing is, three days ago, I had a flashback. I don't know if it was or was I just imagining things, it was strangely odd because it really felt real." She nods as I continue telling her about the bright headlights, the long angry sound of a horn, the ringing in my ears and the empty road. The more I say it the more it fits that maybe that's what happened in the accident. Was I hit by a truck or a car or something.

"Every time that thing comes back to me after the day it first happen, Elizabeth is always in panic. She keeps saying she couldn't find me and that I was out."

"Did you talk to your parents about this?" I shake my head at the realization of that. I haven't asked them what really happened in the accident. They just told me I was involved in one but didn't tell me the details of it.

"Yea uhm- I want you to try and ask them about it maybe that would give us some answers and do you still keep a journal?" My mind travels back to the journal Elizabeth showed me in her New York apartment just when we were just starting with this trip to memory lane.

"No, I don't have a journal at the moment."

"Get one" It was stern and firm as if my sanity depends on it. "and Lizzie, how is she?"I sigh again for the hundredth time since I sat here on this white couch.

"She's fine but she really worries a lot causing a panic attack to happen, and that scares me. I'm scared for her not for me. That's one of the reasons I agreed to this. I want her to get better, the old Shannon really left her broken and totally shattered so I'm going to make everything right for us. I can't lose her anymore. Not this time around, never."——————-"So how did it go?" Elizabeth says as soon as I shut the door of the passenger seat of her car. Well, Chase has been sleeping in her own parking shed at her house for three days. I was right, she didn't allow me to drive until she was sure that I'm alright. I strapped myself up and smiled at her.

"It turned out pretty good actually. We might have to stop by at Target though. She's making me buy a journal to write on my flashbacks and basically my every day emotions."

"Don't you have one?" She asks looking at me thoughtfully. I shake my head to answer her question. I barely have time to sleep let alone write my feelings on paper. As soon as I was settled, I looked at her and she smiles before saying 'Hi' in the most adorable way.

"Hey" I leaned over to kiss her, her hand automatically touches the side of my face and the other on the back of my neck where it belongs. We pull away and she smiles stroking my cheek and I just can't help but give her another peck making her giggle.

"I missed you" She whispers with that gorgeous smile on her face that makes my heart skips a beat all the time. My smile grows as I look into those eyes, bright and jade green like the meadows. I wonder if fairies live in the meadows in her eyes because it sparkles as they stare into mine.

"I missed you too." I give her one quick kiss again before completely pulling away.

"So Target it is." She smiles as she starts the engine. We drove to Target with my tunes filling out the comfortable silence that surrounds us. I have her hand in mine resting on my lap as I look out the window and watch people on the streets. Then the thought of talking to my parents about the accident pops into my head and knowing that would be really hard to get out of them.With the fact that they've spilled the truth about Elizabeth after two years since it happened and I have to force it out of them, how more if its about the accident. Am I going to still force it out of the-

"Honey?" I felt a tug in my hand interrupting my thoughts so I turn to my side and saw Elizabeth with her brows furrowed before glancing at me. "Something on your mind?"

"What?"

"You're squeezing my hand a little bit baby." Its only now that I realize that making me loosen my grip and felt her soft hand relaxes into mine.

"Sorry" I raised our hand to my lips and kissed the back of hers making her smile. I sigh. "I need to call mom and dad. I need to know what actually happened during the accident." She stiffens and suddenly felt uneasy so I stopped and sat back to my seat just stroking the back of her hand to somehow calm her nerves. Its hard to talk about 'it' when her mind goes in panic mode every time.

"Did Joan told you to do it?" She whispers finally relaxing once again.

"Uh yes? I mean no, well she asked if I talked to them about it and I told her I haven't still and maybe I'll just call them up later on."

"Can you call them up at home?" I tolt my head in confusion. "Yes of course sweetheart but why?"

"Well, If they tell you about the accident, I might want to know what happened too. I don't know, I just feel like I need to know." She shrugs as we approached the parking lot in front of Target. I'm not so sure about this really. Talking about it is already hard enough what more if she hears what actually happened that day.

"Are you sure? Sweetheart I can tell you about it if that's what you want." She sighs as soon as the engines were turned off and sits back to her seat before turning her head to look at me deeply.

"Yes." She whispers squeezing my hand in hers. I looked away with multiple possible scenarios in my head on what might happen during the moment and all of them leads to one thing — a panic attack.

"What is it?" Another squeeze making me look up to her again.

"I'm not so sure about this Elizabeth. I-" I sighed as her brows knit together, her eyes looks at me hopefully as she shakes her head like she already figured it out what I'm going to say.

"I just need to know Shan. I need to know what happened. I'll be just fine."

"I can tell you about it after-"

"No" She shakes her head and leans closer to me her freezing hands on the back of my neck causing goosebumps on it. She looks into my eyes that are clouded with fear. The green meadows getting darker as storm clouds hover on them. "I need to hear it fromyour parents."

I need to let go. If I will put up a fight this would just turn into another thunderstorm, and so, I caved in finding myself nodding at her and in an instant the storm clouds starts to slowly clear up. She breaks eye contact and pulls me into a hug leaving me dumbfounded at what just happen. What did I agreed to? God I really hope everything will be just fine later on.