Chapter 4

~ trigger warning - mentions of self harm, homophobic comments, eating disorders etc.~

John P.O.V.

My head felt so heavy. Me and Alex had been sitting on this bathroom floor for what felt like hours, and may have very well been. I was crying the whole time, and he just hugged me, stroking my head, occasionally whispering things that I couldn't make out. I looked up, my red eyes locked on Alexander's. I sat up straight, causing his arms to loose grip of my body. Looking into his tired, yet caring eyes made me upset. I had just burdened Alex with a problem that isn't even his.

"Alex," I managed to get out, our eye contact not wavering at all. My voice was a little shaky, but I continued. "I-I'm so sorry. I didn't m-mean to make this your problem too now. I didn't want you to see me like this. I didn't want anyone to." "John, you don't have to apolog-" I cut him off, finishing my thoughts. "You're wrong. I do have to apologize. I just dropped this huge thing on you. I've only known you for a few hours, Alex. And just like that, we are here. I mean, I even scared you away before. You just, left." He looked discouraged, and disappointed. " Omg, no. No. This wasn't you. I mean. This wasn't your fault. None of it was because of you. I'm sorry. I really am." Our eyes were still looking straight into one another's. 

"John."

"Alex."

"Why?"

"...."

"John, why?"

"You wouldn't... Just forget it." And just like that, he snapped. I could tell. Alex was mad. His face looked shocked. His eyes widened and he scooted farther away from me. Only a little, but enough to make a difference.

"John Laurens." His voice was stern. "I don't know what you were about to say, but you better swear to whatever power is keeping us alive that you were not about to say that 'I wouldn't understand'. You don't know me John. You don't know where I'm from or who my family is. You don't know what I have been through. We have only known eachother for a few hours. HOURS, John. And I have to come back to a dorm, after an already crazy day, to see you about to throw up your food. You just... god. You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe I DON'T understand. Actually, I know for a fact, that I don't understand. I don't understand how a man could completely blow away another person, and fully encapsulate their mind and thoughts, then turn around and treat themselves like they are complete trash. I may have only know you for a few hours John Laurens, but I know you enough, and I know what I think about you enough, to know that you are worth WAY more than... whatever this is. Now, you can either tell me what "this" is and why you are doing it, or we can just pretend like it never happened. Your choice buddy."

Woah. All I could manage in my brain was woah. This small, comforting man just... I don't even know. But it made me realize that I am going to be living with Alex for the next year. He had helped so much tonight alone. He deserves to know. Alex's eyes were dead locked on mine, waiting for a response. 

"Well, um, okay. Where do I even start? I was born in South Carolina. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. We were all just like any other normal family, blah blah blah. When I was 16, my mom, she um, she died, passed away. After that everything kind of went to shit. My dad started um beating, you know, hitting me and my siblings. He would constantly get drunk. Uh, yeah so. Yeah. Sorry um, okay. About a year after my mom, you know, was gone, I had a friend from school over, for like the first time in years. My dad wasn't home, neither were my siblings. I figured it would be okay. Anyways, I didn't have a lot of friends. Only Hercules and Lafayette, who you will probably meet soon, they go here too. Sorry. Off topic. Okay so, I had this girl named Martha over. We just hung out. It was really nothing special. But, my dad came home earlier than I thought he was going to. He found me and Martha watching a movie in my room and he stood there and just laughed at me." I was getting chocked up thinking about it, and I think Alex could tell. He looked down at the floor. But I continued anyway. "He said that Martha was um, that she was a slut for hanging out with a gay guy. He said that it was gross that she was trying to use me. Then he laughed even harder at the fact that some girl would be, in his words, 'desperate enough to hook up with a fat piece of worthlessness.' Martha left, but i don't blame her. My dad beat me once she was gone." I felt tears crawling down my face. "They say that you can't believe what people say about you. But my dad just, he made me believe it. He scared me into it. Now, here I am." Here we are,  I thought to myself. I wiped my face and sighed. Alex was still looking down, but he was now crying. 

"John?"

"Yeah Alex?"

He slowly picked his head up while, at the same time, rolling back his right sleeve. I cringed at what I saw. He started crying even harder now. I just sighed. Then I rolled back down his sleeve, covering the many scars that marked his wrist. I took his hands and looked him in the eye.

"Alexander Hamilton, I am glad we met."

We just sat there for a while until Alex checked his phone. He smiled a little bit, wiping away any remnants of tears on his face. "What," I asked, curious as to why he all of a sudden looked so happy.

"No friend has ever stuck with me past 11pm, let alone 1am. Well, that is until you." He turned around his phone, revealing the time. 1:45am. God. I smiled back, showing that I enjoyed staying here with him. I stood up and grabbed Alex's hands to help him up as well. I flicked the lights off in the bathroom. We both walked to our own separate beds, and got under the covers. "Thank you, Laurens," I heard from the bed across from mine.

"Goodnight, Hamilton." And with that I shut my eyes and fell asleep.

Alex P.O.V.

I rolled on my side, hanging onto those last words that came from my friends mouth. Goodnight, Hamilton. Hamilton. The way John said that send a hot flush to my face. I felt awful for John. All that he went through. I wish that there was a way I could have stopped it all. Stopped the pain. There was one thing that grabbed my attention more than anything else. John said that his dad had called him gay. Was this just his idiot drunk of a father being rude, or was it something John had told his father before the "mess"? Was John really gay? 

My eyelids ached from all the crying and my body just felt exhausted. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but John was definitely the last thing on my mind.

(A/N It's currently 11:33pm and I dont have school tomorrow, so I wrote this chapter. Hope it wasn't too bad or sad. Do you guys want Herc and Laf fluff too?? I'm up for it!! LMK!! Okay, well I gtg edit this chapter so I can publish it before I go to bed. Love you guys!! ANd remember... YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

psst its 11:51 and imma bout to publish this thing!!!!!)

love u

you are beautiful.