Everything changed

A month later

The guys hated me, my brothers hated me and I mean hated my guts. Honestly, they probably hate me more than Clay at this point. I thought that I had done what was right for this club. I never meant to take it this far. Who the fuck am I kidding? I am exactly like Clay. Juice's death that I caused is the same as Clay ordering Donna's.

That still fucking haunts me, Opie left the club and has never looked back. He was my best friend; my fucking brother and he left me here to do this shit alone. Abel crosses my mind, if shit continues to go south who does he go to? I pushed Amara away and she would never come back to me.

Not even if I got down on my hands and knees and begged. She would be justified in shooting me point blank. I make a call that I never thought I'd make but he didn't answer. That stung and I mean really stung. Quinn had been out riding for weeks now even he couldn't stand to look me in my eyes.

A few days later

My phone went off and a message with an address popped across. Lyla had been keeping Abel while I handled club business, so she still had him. I drove to the address and hopped off of my bike. It was a nice house, nice neighborhood but before I could walk up the steps the door swung open, standing in front of me was Opie Winston.

He looked good, better than good, happy even with a huge smile on his face. He didn't invite me inside; he simply closed the door behind him and led me to the garage.

"Why'd you call?" He asks.

"I need you to take Abel." I answer.

"Why?" He questions, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Amara left me. The brothers are against me and if something happens to me, Abel has no one. You're the only family I got left." I state.

"Jax..." he begins

"Look I know I'm asking a lot. I have plenty of money put up for him. I knew that shit would go south with me staying in. I wanted him and Amara set it something happened." I cut him off.

"Why did she leave?" He asks.

"Juice." I say. It's one word, one person, I can't even describe it any other way.

"You became the monster you never wanted to become." He states, it's not a question, it's a statement causing me to suck in a breath.

"Yes." I mutter.

"Fuck Jax. You killed her brother?" He asks.

"There's more to the story." I say.

"Yeah. There always is. What's a good enough reason to kill your longtime girlfriend's baby brother?" He scoffs.

"It's not like that." I deny.

"How'd he die?" Ope asks.

"Prison. He went in for a job. Tully was his roommate. He was shanked after the Chinese got him." I explain the short version.

"How'd she find out?" He questions.

"She went to visit Juice and met Tully." My voice came out as a whisper.

"Fuck. You're an idiot." He tells me.

I don't respond I just watch him as he stares back at me.

"I'll take Abel. He won't know about that life, Jax. My kids don't know it anymore. I don't either." He states.

"I don't want him to, Ope. I want him to hate me. I want him to know that I'm a monster. Keep him far away from the sons." I respond.

"Alright. Let me know when you're bringing him. You should get going. The kids will be home soon." He tells me.

I nod before climbing back on my bike and taking off back towards Charming.

Once I get home, I look around and take everything in. The reality sets in of this empty house. Amara had made this into a home for me and for Abel. I was never grateful for it or for her. I cheated just about our whole relationship. I needed her but I never truly saw her.

Yet, she saw me and she loved me with every part of her. That drew me to her even further. She chose me and continued to choose me and my son even after I pushed her away.

I look around subconsciously making sure all of her stuff is still here and in its place. I begin packing Abel's stuff up, I know that soon enough the club will take mayhem for my sins and that tears me apart. Yet I had no problem doing it when it was Clay.

Lyla comes out of Abel's room as she hears me in the living room.

"Jax is everything okay?" She asks.

"Abel is going to Opie." I tell her.

"Oh." She whispers.

"I'll see you." She says before heading home.

I check on Abel ensuring he's still asleep before continuing to pack his stuff up.

............

All of his stuff is packed and in a pile in the middle of my living room, looking at that I fall to my knees. Fuck.

I make it into the bathroom and take a look at myself in the mirror.

"What did you do?" My mind screams.

"Why did you do that?" My mind screams louder.

"You loved her." A voice says low and clear.

Did I love her? I thought I did.

At one point I know that I did. 

When did that change?

When I started lying. When I stopped looking at her. When I fucked up and made a huge mistake.

I tell myself that I made this decision for the good of the club. My brain and my heart tells me otherwise. I destroyed everything close to me except for my son. The only good I've ever done was make him and now handing him to Ope.

That crushes me, it's a fucking blow, Handing my son over to my best friend because he's the better man. He's the one who was strong enough to walk away and chose his kids despite everything.

Something that I can't do no matter how much I want to. I can't leave this club and walk away from everything that I've ever known. I can't love someone whole heartedly. I can't give someone else something that was destroyed so long ago.

In the end what Opie will tell Abel is true, I'm a monster, a fucking nightmare.

A true real-life nightmare that my son should be afraid of.

I'm not the one who tucked him in and kissed him goodnight.

I'm not the one who reads him stories and gives him baths.

I'm not the one who has been there through every fault.

I'm the one person who I never wanted to become.

I spend more time at Diosa, screwing whores than I ever have looking at my son.

That makes my chest hurt.

I'm no better than John leaving us for Belfast. Fuck who knows if I have another kid out there.

I hated him and I hated the man that he was. The piss poor excuse of a father that he was.

Now 20 years later I'm him but worse.

Word count: 1,201