4. Thinking about her

CARA

Kendall was leaning away from our hug and smiled. 

please, please, please, don't leave me

I thought desperate.

But she turned around and left.

So there I stood, in the middle of a cafe, just staring after her. I wanted to follow her, but I'm not stupid. Or, that is at least what I think.

And I still can't believe I actually apologized for what I did yesterday. And I can't believe either that she just forgave me. Like that. In two seconds, everything was gone. But still, if she would have been a normal girl, I wouldn't have apologized. But I guess she isn't a normal girl. Oh no, what is she doing with me? I'm okay that she has another opinion, but changing me? Nah, that is too much.

I walked out of the cafe and lit my cigarette. Hands in my pockets, cigarette in my mouth, and I was ready to go home. I had so many thoughts in my mind. For example, why did she kiss my cheek if she then hugged me? Why doe she want to care about me? Why me? Why is she so nice even if I am so rude? Whyyyyy!?

I've never met someone like her before. And it's so annoying that I can't read her like I usually can read people. But as I said before, I guess she's not like a normal girl. 

Hmm... I wonder what she does right now. I really want to know. I want to know her better so I can put her in a categorize. Right now, she's not in a categorize at all. She might even get one categorize for her own. What would I call that categorize then? Kendall? No, that's her name. What about... Confused? No that's weird. I don't even know what I should name it! Aaggghh!! I have only been with Kendall one day, but she still drives me crazy! My head explodes by all these thoughts. 

But still, I just want to be with her. I can't deny it. And I really want to know what she is doing without me right now. Should I text her? No. Why not? Because that is not something Cara would do. But maybe this Cara would? No. Why not? Because you just saw her. Can I text her later? Maybe.

My thoughts fought each other. Everything in my world was a war. A civil war. One part of me to be with her. The other part of me, wanted to stay away from her and forget her. I don't know which side I want to win, because both sides are me. I wonder which sides win.

Finally when I was home, I ran to my bed and jumped in it. I landed on my front with my head smashing the white cover. I crawled inside the covers and stayed like that for a moment when I realized:

"My bed is too big for me..." I muttered. And of course my mind wandered to Kendall.

"I wonder what it feels like to share the bed with someone..."

"Shut up Cara! What is wrong with you?" I told myself.

"Nothing is wrong with me!" I yelled to myself. "I just wondered!"

"Yeah right. You want Kendall in your bed, just admit it!" I said strictly.

"Fine! Maybe I want Kendall in my bed! What is so wrong with that!?" I snapped.

"Why would you want to share bed with Kendall?" I asked myself confused. "Of all the people, you chose Kendall."

"Because I want to feel how her body feels." I blushed just by the thought that I actually said that out loud.

"Damn it Cara. Get yourself together!" I muttered as my last words to myself.

And then I drifted off to sleep.

After like an hour, I woke up.

"Hmm what time is it?" I looked at my phone. "Have I really slept an hour?"

I stretched, but I never got out of my bed.

"I wonder what Kendall is doing..." I said low.

"Oh no Cara, don't you dare think of Kendall again." I told myself.

"Shut up! I can do whatever I want to!"

"Okay then. Text her then! I know you want to do it!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!!" I shrieked and grabbed my phone, angry at myself.

To: Kendall

'Hey, I know we like just saw each other, but I am bored as hell. So what are you doing?'

From: Kendall

'Hey Cara:) I'm just hanging out with another friend. I promised her to hang out today, otherwise I would've stayed a bit longer with you!:)

I couldn't help but smile. She actually had a reason why she left. I'm so happy right now, even if I actually don't have a reason to be this happy.

To: Kendall

'Missin me already?;)'

I'm usually not this kind of girl who uses smileys, but it just felt like it was perfect right now to use one.

From: Kendall

'You wish :D But I actually do. I miss youu! <3'

Wow I was not prepared for that. How could she say that she misses me? It makes no sense. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I was gonna feel this way.

To: Kendall

'How can you miss me already? You barely know me.'

Okay I know I sounded a bit... Annoyed. But it just didn't feel right to use a smiley in that sentence. I was in fact serious, so why use a smiley?

From: Kendall

'I miss your hug.'

She couldn't be serious. She just couldn't be. She can't be! She's lying. She didn't feel a thing when we hugged. It was not special at all. She's lying. It's bullshit.

I tried to convince myself to not get hyper happy on this message. It was just all bullshit and I knew it. She couldn't seriously mean it.

To: Kendall

'Why would you miss my hug?'

From: Kendall

'Because I thought it was perfect. I like your hugs;)'

Holy. Freaking. Shit. What. The. Hell. Why. Is. This. Happening.

Remember, she's just lying. She doesn't mean it.

I had to use all my inner strength to not get happy about it. I wouldn't let myself be happy just because she said something simple like that. And why would she like my hugs? I barely hug anyone, so I don't even have experience. I used to hug my old boyfriend, but I didn't feel a single sparkle in his hugs. But of course I felt like thousands of sparks when I hugged Kendall. See I don't understand that, because my ex boyfriend was really hot while Kendall is... Well... Let's not dig further into that.

To: Kendall

'You're not being serious, right?'

From: Kendall

'Why would I lie about something like that? :D'

To: Kendall

'Why wouldn't you?'

From: Kendall

'Because I'm not dumb?;)'

To: Kendall

'Okay you win that one.'

From: Kendall

'Thank you :D btw, what are you doing then?:)'

To: Kendall

'Nothing.'

She didn't answer. I waited and waited and waited. But no, no answer. And eventually, it was evening. And then it was night. Then it was midnight. Then it was morning.

"Cara, why are you still up?" I asked myself confused, and really tired.

"I don't know."

"Oh no, I know that you know! Tell me!" I convinced myself to admit.

"Okay okay..." I said, throwing my hands in the air. "I'm still waiting for Kendall to answer..."

"Are you crazy!? It's 4.00 am! Go to sleep now!"

"Fine..."

I took off my clothes and jumped into the bed. The unnaturally big bed. Or, right now it was unnaturally big. 

I closed my eyes and immediately fell asleep. After I don't know how long, I woke up by my phone. Buzzing. It was 8.00 am, and I had gotten an answer from Kendall.

From: Kendall

'Sorry, I was a bit busy yesterday. Too bad you didn't do anything:( Wanna hang out today?'

I immediately sat straight up and read it again.

"'...Wanna hang out today?...'" I mumbled when I read it again.

I told myself to wait some minutes before I answered, to not seem too obsessed. Then I answered.

To: Kendall

'Sure. See ya at the smoking spot in half hour.'

I honestly could fall asleep again any second, but I wanted to see Kendall as soon as possible.

From: Kendall

'okay'

I started to put on my clothes when I realized that I couldn't wear the same thing as yesterday. I didn't want to seem... I don't know... Not creative? So there I stood,  choosing my clothes once again.

"Oh my god. This is even more worse than a date night..." I murmured.

"What should I wear!? I only have a half hour!" I said desperate.

"What about this?" I sighed.

I held up a green T shirt and a white bomber jacket. I shrugged and put it on. 

"So what pants then?"

"Maybe these." I put on some white jeans.

"This will do." I said quickly before going into the bathroom, making me fully ready.

And when the half hour already had passed, I hurried and grabbed my snapback and ran out. I almost ran the whole way to my smoking spot, but I stopped before it because I din't want Kendall to see me running. That would probably be embarrassing.

When I then walked slowly to the smoking spot, still panting a little, I didn't see Kendall anywhere.

"And I even ran." I sighed.

Suddenly, just like yesterday, I felt two hands from behind. But not on my eyes this time. The hands were gently walking to my waist and firmly held it. Then they snaked further and held around me. Kendall was practically hugging me from behind. I felt her head somewhere around the back of the head. Her face buried in my hair.

"Missed me?" she whispered in my ear. Her chin was on my shoulder now.

I shivered lightly. Would I say the truth? Why not...

"Yes..." I gulped.

She snuggled her face into my neck from the side. I could feel her nose against my throat. The throat which I just used to swallow hard.

"I missed you too." she smiled against my neck. "Please hug me back." she chuckled.

I swallowed hard again and turned around even if it was pretty hard because she held her arms around me. But when I turned around, I put my arms around her neck and closed my eyes. 

I could smell her hair. And Oh. My. Freaking. God. It smelled like freaking heaven. I can't even explain it. But let's just say like this, it smelled something like cocoa. 

I heard how she also smelled my hair, because she inhaled pretty loudly. I think it was meant.

"Your hair smells so good..." she said and inhaled again. "It smells a little smoke, but otherwise it's soo good."

Damn it! Why do I have to smoke? 

Wait what.

Why shouldn't I smoke? Oh god... What is she doing with me.

If I don't break the hug right now, I will never be able to end it.

So I lightly pulled away by taking off my arms from her. I looked at her and she looked at me.

"I told you, I love your hugs." she smiled now.

"Can't do anything about it" I said and chuckled.

"Want to go to the beach?" she asked.

"Sure."

Even though we lived in Brooklyn, we didn't go to Coney Island Beach. We took a cab and went to another beach. It was pretty small and lonely beach, but it was beautiful. We started to walk on the shore, and then we sat down on a bench. 

I sat so close to her, and I can't even explain how tempted I was to just put my head on her shoulder. Not because I just wanted, but I was sooo tired! I had slept like 4 hours! I could literally sleep right there. But in the end, the Sandman won the battle and I leaned my had on her shoulder. And just before I went to sleep, I felt her head leaning on my head too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------