Broken

I wanted you to know I love the way you laughI want to hold you high and steal your pain awayI keep your photograph, and I know it serves me wellI want to hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesomeAnd I don't feel right when you've gone awayYou've gone awayYou don't feel me here anymore-Seether ft. Amy Lee

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Siberian Facility, Russian Federation; 5 June, 1996

Tessa sat in the silence of the bunker in deep areas where her training room had been built so long ago. She was sitting on the top of the conex, her legs drifting down against the side of it. Now and then, a tap of heels would connect as she gave an idle swing of her legs. The quiet of the room was nice, but it was soon interrupted by a Soldier who was looking for his handler.

Making his way over to the metal transport container, he reached up and caught the top with his metal fingers then hoisted himself upward until he was seated beside his lover. For now, only their arms brushed against each other, and not a word was said between them. They just shared this one quiet moment alone for several long minutes before Tessa finally clicked off the recorders, cameras and lights of the room.

When next she moved, it was to be nearer to James. Her hand smoothed up against his cheek, and he shivered at her long-forgotten warmth. While his hand rose up to brush against her raised forearm, he didn't try to rush her through any of this time they were getting to share -- this time to say goodbye.

Throughout the years, Tessa had been strong for her Soldier. She had been a student, a leader, one to guide him, one to form him into the man he was today, one with a soul beneath just waiting for its chance to gain a grasp on freedom finally. She had been his friend, his lover, his confidant, his everything.

Neither of them knew who was saying goodbye this time or to what extent the goodbye would be, but neither of them were going to waste their last two full days together wringing their hands over what might be on the horizon.

Instead, they had two days to pour everything they could into one another, and neither of them wanted to waste that opportunity.

"Realign me, Tessa," he whispered after a moment.

He felt her body stiffen against his briefly before she pulled her small frame back away from his. Icy blue eyes lifted toward the direction where the shadowed slate of his own should be and searched there without ever seeing his eyes in the darkness of the room. "Are you positive? We don't know what all those memories at once will do to you?"

"I want to spend just one night with you as myself, doll," he spoke softly, his breath whispering against her lips. "Just one night where I can be my whole self with you."

"What if it's too much?" she asked, her words almost a soft sob on their own.

"Maybe do a little at a time?" he reached up and let his metal hand caress against her cheek. "First peel away The Winter Soldier just enough for James to come through then the path back to Bucky should come easily. It doesn't have to be a brutal destruction of walls all at once."

She pressed her forehead against his for a moment as her body rocked toward his, but she didn't do anything more just yet. Rather, she locked her fingers around the forearm of his metal arm as if she didn't deserve to touch any other part of him.

"I love all of you," she stated simply, though there was so much -- too much -- emotion there inside of her right then. Sadness and rage fought for control of the moment, and Tessa wasn't sure which one might win right then. "I love the strength and possessiveness of The Winter Soldier, the dark humor and protection of James and the playfulness and grins of Bucky Barnes. I don't need just one of you in order to love and have all of you already."

His eyes searched for hers in the utter darkness, a soft misting of emotion making his vision go watery for a moment before he was able to find his own voice again. As it was too dark to see, Tessa could only hear the emotion breaking his voice when he spoke again.

"You will always and forever be my best girl, Tessa," he stated it firmly but softly then punctuated it with a reverent little kiss to her soft lips. "No matter what happens, you'll always be mine. No one else could ever hope to fill that place inside of me that belongs solely to you."

Tessa attempted a chuckle over how saccharine his words were, but the sound came out as a sob. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she pulled herself close against him. With her face buried into the side of his neck, she wept in the comfort of his strong grasp. She trembled against the strength of his body and let herself come undone in the place she was undoubtedly the most protected from everything.

Tessa had no idea how long she'd sat there and poured her soul out against his neck, but his shirt was wet and her tears had momentarily gone dry. She only now realized that her beloved was slowly combing the fingers of his right hand through the fine threads of blonde against the back of her head. His head was leaning against hers, and that left arm was wrapped tightly around her waist then up until his fingers spread against her shoulder blade.

Pulling back slowly, she was surprised when she felt his cheek brush hers and that it was wet as well. He hadn't been crying quite as long as she had. Reaching up, she carefully brushed away his every tear then leaned to press the purest, softest kiss to his lips.

"Hold on," was the only warning Tessa got before he shifted his thighs and pressed them back against the edge of the conex to drop them both down to the floor, remarkably with very little sound attached to the landing.

Without warning, Tessa was shifted until she was cradled against his chest, one arm beneath her back and the other tucking beneath the backs of her knees. It wasn't the first time The Winter Soldier had carried Tessa through the halls as he did right then, but it was the first time anyone saw the look of admiration and love that he showered down toward her as he moved.

They both knew something bad was going to happen anyway. James was sick of hiding the love that he had for the woman in his arms. Every person they passed stepped aside and watched them go, every one except for Ivan.

Upon seeing it, Sidorov pivoted mid-stride and walked away. If he didn't see it happening he could honestly say that he had never seen anything between them, and they were two people the Major would protect until the day he died, in any way he possibly could.

James carried his best girl to her quarters then maneuvered his hand enough to spring the lock open. As he backed into the room to push the door behind him, defiant, steel blue eyes found the center of the camera lens in the hallway, across from the door. One last fuck you to Alexander Pierce.

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(Warning: The following will contain heavy sexual content. Skip to the page break if you want to skip ahead, but know there's some small plot before the heated stuff starts up.)

Each piece of clothing had been slowly removed by each of them, from each of them, and until neither retained anything covering them except each other. Currently, they were seated in the center of Tessa's bed, James' legs crossed Indian style and Tessa sitting in the cradle created there. Her own legs were loosely wrapped around his waist.

"We're going to go very slowly," she said with a gentle tone, her eyes on his and refusing to break contact.

He nodded in return, his hands lightly gripping her bare hips just because he had no other place to really put them right that second.

"One inch at a time," she nodded with a pinch of her brow. Her fingers lightly drew up over the sides of his neck, eliciting a small shiver from him.

In only a moment of time, her fingers had spread throughout his hair and gained her another shiver from his larger frame.

Very gently, she reached into his mind and shut off his ability to feel the physical pain her electrical pulses caused.

"Are you with me here still?" she spoke softly, her eyes searching his despite that initial look of fear that he always showed when the process began.

"Y-yeah," he spoke softly. "I'll tell you if I need for you to stop."

"You'd better," she murmured softly then leaned to kiss his lips briefly.

As if she was a microsurgeon, Tessa began to guide her electrical soul into his mind, feeling out the metaphysical pathways that would, for the first time, allow his different personalities to pass among each other without having to fight for the dominance of the space they were allowed.

Once it felt as whole to her as it could be, she began to steadily yet very gently withdraw her abilities from the fragile, abused mind of the man she loved. When even his pain center was released, Tessa pulled her fingers from his hair and leaned her lips up to press them lovingly against his brow.

She didn't bombard him with anything more but allowed him those first few moments to feel out the new state of his mind. It was a bit overwhelming for the man, and it took him several minutes before anything felt like it was remotely normal, but he did eventually do something other than just sitting there.

He chuckled.

And then his chuckle became a laugh.

It was the most beautiful sound Tessa had ever heard. She felt his arms tighten around the middle of her body which urged her arms to move up around his neck to hug him close. Neither could know then that her actions were both a blessing and a curse.

Still laughing, he raised his thighs some to pull her more firmly against the rest of his body, his mouth seeking out hers until he could devour it with his own. He didn't rush through the act, but he was eager to spill every bit of love from himself into her through the act of a simple embrace.

There weren't words for the emotions that filled that bleak Siberian bunker that night. Never had such an unadulterated love been shared in this place, and even the walls themselves would remember until time crumbled them into dust.

And they had yet to even make love.

Just the joy that was shared between them right then was more than either had ever felt in their lives. A piece of Tessa still -- and would forever -- hate that she hadn't done this sooner, but for these precious moments, she could give herself a break and revel in the sound of his laughter.

The reconnection to himself didn't come along with all of his memories returning just yet, but it let his personalities free and allowed himself to just be. Pulling back, his hands rose to cradle against the face of this amazing goddess who promised to be his forever. There would never be a moment when even the basest piece of him didn't remember some piece of her.

The Winter Soldier's arm gently wrapped up against her bare back, his plates adjusting so they didn't even lightly scrape her flesh. James' hand caressed its way down the left side of her neck, and Bucky's coy half-grin found its way to one side of his mouth while he watched her features.

It was in that moment that they finally saw one another. She saw all of him, and he was blessed to see all of her. Despite the years of bloodshed and pain they had caused, neither had felt as deserving of a touch as both did right then.

Without any warning, his mouth devoured hers again, his arms tightening around her small frame. She felt him shift a bit more and wrapped her arms around his neck so that he could lift her enough to reposition them so that she was laying on her back against the bed.

After letting his tongue mingle with hers, James pulled back enough to brace his metal hand on the bed beside her head while the other rose to trail a soft caress down over her beautifully soft skin. He was painfully aware of the warmth of her pressing against him with her legs wrapped up over his hips the way they were, but if this was possibly the last time they'd have together, there wasn't a soul in this place that would tell James Buchanan Barnes that he had to hurry into any second of it.

Taking his time, James trailed kisses down over her soft chin then nosed the tilt of her head upward a little in order to continue peppering affection along the line of her jaw and down into the slope toward her neck. He found that sweet spot right beneath her earlobe, that soft piece of flesh that he wanted to kiss and lick and nibble for the rest of his life. Every piece of him adored the way it made her breath hitch and quicken, and those tiny little coos of pleasure he was rewarded with now and then caused his heartbeat to bring other pieces of him to twitch in anticipation.

As the warmth of his mouth trailed against the hollow of her throat then up to the other side of her neck to the sweet spot located in the exact same place as the other had been, Tessa purred his name sweetly. Her hands clung against his skin but not rushing him through his enjoyment of this slow, thorough rediscovery of her in every way.

Each collarbone soon received the same attention, both shoulders given the warmest of kisses before he returned to the center of her body to begin kissing down down over that subtle slope of a valley that ran between her breasts. While his large hands followed the curve of her sides, his mouth slowly made its way up to the first peak to conquer.

He raised his eyes up to find her watching, and a slow, lazy smile overcame his lips before he closed them around her nipple to give a deep suckle and trail the flat of his tongue against the tender bud of flesh that excited at his attention. Considering the beautiful responses he initially received from his blonde goddess, he contented himself with repeating the process on the other breast soon after.

While it was possible for him to bow his back and continue kissing down each side of her ribcage, Tessa finally did allow her legs to unlock from around his hips. Almost immediately she was rewarded with the feel of his warm lips, hot tongue and deft teeth claiming a piece of skin near her navel with enough pinch that the flesh there would bruise. As if a piece of his personality knew just that -- likely The Winter Soldier -- he set right into suckling that same piece of skin in long, lazy pulls. Finally, there was a soft pop and he lifted his head up to look down at the mark he'd put on her. His mark; she was his.

A soft growl of satisfaction came from his throat before he set himself back on task to kiss and nip along the skin of each hip to trail to the center of her body again. Only then did he deliver a single kiss on the lowest area of her abdomen he could get. Only then did his body shift so that each arm could wrap up around each of her thighs.

Suddenly, acrobats were unleashed within Tessa's stomach, and she was practically squirming in anticipation over something she had only just now recalled from before the last time she'd been punished in the Mind Crown.

A memory. A tongue brushing against her skin. Her breath catches, her moaning hitches and all breath ceases. Fingers curl into chocolate colored hair, her back arching up from the bed as pleasure was cried from her lips in a rush of overwhelming power.

Her eyes were suddenly wide open and her body almost panicked. Then she felt his tongue dip down to brush up along the soft, smooth skin just as he had in her memory. A thick moan spilled from deep within her, and her fingers moved to curl into the hair at the crown of his hair. She felt two metal fingers gently curl into the warmth of her body and shuddered suddenly, that freed thigh trying already to pull in on him.

He smiled at her eagerness, but he took a moment away from tending her in order to bite her inner thigh and nudge it back into place. She made a noise meant to be born of protest, but it sounded nothing like an objection. In reward, his tongue was returned to her, gently swirling the bundle of nerves at the apex of her cleft.

A primal part of him largely approved of the way she trembled around his fingers, but a bigger piece of him kept control on the moment and made things drag out, even after her hips began to rock in the attempt to get him to hit just the right spots in the vain attempt at getting him to give in and let her go.

When she was suitably teased enough, he finally gave in and let his lips wrap around her clit to suckle at that same, leisurely pace that drew things out until Tessa toppled into a noisy release that was surely heard, at least by Sidorov. Well, had he been staying in his quarters tonight; the man was smart enough that he was currently wrapped in a blanket and asleep at his desk in his cold office. He didn't need to hear anything, either. 

Releasing his hold on Tessa's one leg, James eased himself upward over her, kissing along the way while his hands crawled upward to each side of her recovering body.

"You are so goddamn beautiful," he managed to breathe out against her mouth before kissing her again.

His right hand drifted down between them while he crawled upward a little more and let his thighs and hips press hers outward a bit. He took his time easing into the heat of her body. He knew full well that it wouldn't take much to unmake him, and he wanted to share so much more than that with her tonight before anyone could tear them apart.

The instant he started, he knew he wasn't going to be able to watch her. Just seeing the pleasure that warped her beautiful face into something altogether heavenly would do him in too quickly. He took an almost harsh grip around each of her thighs and just held onto her until he was as deep as he could get inside of the oven of her body.

Hell, he wasn't sure he was going to be able to even listen to her without it being enough to destroy his body beneath the weight of the passion. To her credit, though Tessa did whimper and coo and purr her pleasure, she never tried to beg him into rushing into the moment. She was just as content to let him take his time and drive her crazy on a level no one else would ever reach with her.

Only after they'd each taken a moment to calm themselves did James set into a rhythm that would be just as slow as everything else had been. He had never treasured anyone the way he treasured Tessa. In his mind, he wanted to give her more than he could imagine ever giving anyone, and she was content to let him do that very thing.

While The Winter Soldier took a hold on the headboard to grip harshly, James let his fingers curl around her side while Bucky leaned forward and gave a playful nibble against the side of her neck just to hear her give that breathless little squeal of sound that soon was vocalized.

Each piece of him claimed her in their own ways, but Tessa adored every single change in pressure, attention and pace. She knew the moment James wasn't going to be able to edge back from his peak. She knew it because the metal fingers of his left hand curled around her throat, and she did nothing more than bare that skin even more to the grip that was cutting off her air soon after.

His other hand moved up to lace his fingers with hers and pin that hand to the bed while his hips delivered a series of firm, deep thrusts before he gave a desperate growl and allowed his body let go just as her own found its second release. He took a selfish moment to just feel her milk at him before he released her throat gently to allow her to gasp and moan and breathe harsh, glass-coated air into her lungs.

James laid his head against her sweaty chest and felt her clammy arms wrap against the backs of his shoulders to hold him close while they both fought for their breath to return to normalcy.

"God, I love you, Tessa," he rasped out against her flesh.

Tessa nodded her head but said nothing until she felt like she could speak without her body breaking into pieces.

"I love you too, baby," she said. "Until the end of the line."

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Siberian Facility, Russian Federation; 6 June, 1996

Alexander Pierce had arrived a day early, just as Tessa had imagined he would have, but she didn't let that chase James from her bed too early, either. Pierce didn't immediately seek out his daughter, though he knew she was currently locked into training with The Winter Soldier in her dampening room. No, he had other matters to attend to while the two of them were busy.

A relic of the past was brought up from storage where it had been worked on for years to adapt it to the modern technology that would run it. The strong iron chamber still bore its porthole, though now it was filled in with a stronger material that was abundant in the glass sleeves of the newer cryogenic pods.

The Winter Soldier's first pod was set into place just beside his where it seemed it was the focal point of the silo room, smaller than the rest but a certain reminder of what happened when one disappointed the head of HYDRA.

The second surprise Pierce had brought was a smaller, more compact Mind Suppression Machine and Mind Crown, one that could be set up to activate both soldiers at the same time while at base and then relocate the smaller of the two in case they needed it on the move. Tessa would still serve to keep her Soldier on mission in the field, but if they needed to remind her of her place, then they could do that too.

Pierce knew his daughter wasn't going to be happy about either new rule being imposed, but he had warned her, and at least he wasn't killing that man she seemed to love, either. He also wasn't killing her, which was a personal mercy. Building allies outside of HYDRA was never something she'd been meant to do, and yet she had. Now, at least two people -- mutants -- knew about HYDRA's weapons. Pierce had only Tessa's word that nothing would be said to anyone, but Tessa had proven time and again that her word could only be trusted when he came to The Winter Soldier. Her loyalty was to that man alone, and Alexander didn't understand why.

It was evening by the time soldiers were actually sent to gather up Tessa and The Winter Soldier. They had finished their training and had dinner together. She had retired to her room none the wiser while he had retired to his.

It was James they would come for first.

Without putting up a fight, he let the smaller men lead him into the silo, but his full body tensed up like a tight spring at the very sight of just the two chairs positioned to face one another. He hadn't even seen the old cryostasis chamber yet. He was urged forward to his own chair which was turned facing the direction opposite its typical adjustment. 

His jaw worked tightly as he was shoved down into the seat and the thing reacted and reached its tethers around his arms to hold him firmly against it, but even as he waited for the electricity to bring the machine to life, his eyes were turned toward the opposite entry into the silo where two men each held one of Tessa's arms.

She had yet to see the chairs, the Mind Crowns or the fact that James was locked down and unable to fight back. Her attention was solely on the face of her father as he greeted her, but any further conversation was put on hold as the soldiers locked down their hold around her slender arms and began leading her over toward the empty chair, her bare feet skidding against the glacial concrete beneath them as she began to struggle.

Suddenly, her heart was beating like a startled doe, and she fought every fight-or-flight instinct to keep from running right that second. She would not go quietly into the night, no, but she also wasn't going to leave behind the man she loved more than anything without sufficient fight.

Icy blue eyes found the steel of his own, and Tessa finally allowed herself to be lowered and locked down across from The Winter Soldier. She felt the restraints take over and hold her arms tightly against the padded arms of the seat. She didn't even try to stop her eyes from misting over as she gazed across that short distance to where James was sitting.

Despite the torturous fear that spilled through her, she offered him a soft and reassuring smile, her eyes speaking more of her love for him than words could do justice.

Goodbye, my love.

James' jaw tensed and worked as if he was trying to break every tooth in his mouth, but it took even greater strength to not lash out and get them both out of this frozen hellhole. For a moment, he even considered it. He considered letting The Winter Soldier take full control to get them out of their binds, but the look in his beloved's eyes quieted his rebellion. It was clear on his expressive features, though, that he was not at all pleased about resigning them both to this fate.

Their time would come at some point in the future. It would have to. They had to trust in that.

"You were both warned," Pierce finally spoke. "Not only about remaining anonymous on the mission but also on this ... connection you two can't seem to shake for each other."

He paused, his eyes moving to his daughter as if he knew she might pipe up with some smartass comment or another. She simply stared across at the face of her Soldier, their eyes locked on each others.

"This cannot happen," Pierce said, motioning between them with the folded glasses held within his right hand. "For one, you're an assassin with no name, someone dead to the world. You don't even come close to being in the same league as my daughter. And you, Tessa, I know I should have given you some sort of companionship so that you didn't latch on to this ... thing ... but you also should have been strong enough to not even take that path to begin with."

Again Tessa surprised her father by not saying a word. He'd passed his judgment, and she knew they weren't getting out of it. The most she could do now was wordlessly convey to her beloved that their time would come. Eventually, they would find one another again, then they would get away from HYDRA and what it represented in life.

"I truly am sorry, Button," Pierce continued when he saw that his only child wasn't going to beg or plead or try to talk him out of punishment. Instead, he turned his direction toward a new, young scientist just brought into HYDRA. "If you would, Dr. Brubaker."

While the young doctor moved up to slide the vitals gauntlet onto her right hand, two others made their way over to open up the old cryostasis pod. This action finally turned her attention away from the new scientist, away from the view of the love of her life and toward what seemed to be how she was going to be housed from now on. Immediately, her heart became a jackhammer inside her ribcage, and she frantically tugged at the restraints, her eyes swiveling finally toward her father.

"Until we believe you can continue in some capacity here," Pierce said, his glasses being tucked into his breast pocket. "You will be put on ice just like the Asset." He then turned his attention to the scientist. "Last time, she was set at level three. Up it to eight this time."

Goodbye, my love.

"But sir," Brubaker started, his eyes widening some.

"I said eight," Pierce growled.

The scientist said nothing else. Instead, he set to changing the output power of the machine while Tessa locked her eyes on James and let tears spill hotly from her vision. She was going to hurt. She was going to lose much more this time. If she lived, she might not remember him at all. She felt the electricity begin moving into the lines connected to her chair, but she did nothing to fight against it. Instead, her whole intent was maintaining eye contact with her Soldier, letting his face be the last she would see before they took away her memories.

There were no words for the pain that blazed through Tessa as the Mind Crown tightened in around her head and began to rewrite her programming. She screamed, her eyes unfocused and her body bucking against the restraints that held her small frame. As unclear as her vision was, she kept it locked on the blue eyes of her beloved and fought to keep every bit of him buried deep in the confines of her brain.

James could feel the hot tears spilling down his cheeks, but he said nothing to stop what was happening. He did nothing to fight against his own bindings. He simply stayed there, letting her collect those last few images of him in the vain hope that it would help her recall him once she was awakened from her stasis in the future.

As Tessa was being picked up from her chair and carried off toward her pod, he watched as long as he could. Once his own Mind Crown had settled in place, it was impossible to get a full look at her anymore. Only one eye could make out the frosting glass that offered his only view of the platinum hair within.

At that moment, his brain blazed brightly with electricity that was nowhere near as gentle as that which was produced by Tessa. His voice screamed out into the silo and his body rocked within the chair as pulses forced him to fight his restraints while the electricity ran its course through him. The last glimpse of her he would see was platinum hair across the room and through frosted glass.

Goodbye, my love.

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Posted: 28 August, 2021