♠︎ thirty seven [18+]

CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN

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♠︎ YOONGI

"Yoongi?"

"Yes?"

Jimin glanced at him seriously, trailing a finger down Yoongi's chest. "I like it when you do that right before I come."

Yoongi blinked at the younger, laying beneath their soft bedsheets. "When I do what?"

It was barely nine in the morning, and Yoongi had always taken Jimin for the type to sleep in, considering how late he was to everything - but it turned out Jimin was only late because of his penchant for morning sex.

Not that Yoongi was complaining, of course. Sex with Jimin was like dying and coming back to life.

It was everything else with Jimin that terrified the living shit out of him. 

But now - when Jimin was gazing at him, laying between his legs in the afterglow of sex and stroking his chest - he forgot all of that. He watched as Jimin rolled his eyes, and clarified what he meant.

"You know, that thing you did," Jimin said, hovering above him. "With your mouth."

Yoongi stretched out across the pillows, his movements slow and feline. "I think I'm gonna need you to be more specific," he ran a hand gently through Jimin's hair, letting the strands fall messily around his features. "I used my mouth a lot."

"I think it was somewhere around... here," Jimin let his finger wander up from Yoongi's chest and along the curve of his collarbone, to the juncture of his neck. 

"Oh?" Yoongi smirked cockily. He pulled Jimin up over him, nuzzling against the spot Jimin had indicated, but on his neck this time. "This?"

"Yeah, that," Jimin moaned, keened into the curl of Yoongi's tongue against his neck, and Yoongi revelled in the taste of him, of sweat and sex from their activities all night. After the races Jimin had proposed yesterday, the way he'd led them with confidence and then joined in, Yoongi had been desperate to have him. Seeing Jimin wet and dripping like that from the pool...

It had taken everything in him not to drag Jimin inside, like Jungkook had done to you.

Thankfully he'd managed to hold off until that evening. But let's just say, he and Jimin had gotten very little sleep from that point onwards.

JImin moaned now at the kisses Yoongi was leaving down the strip of his neck, his confident murmurs turning to whining breaths as Yoongi held him steady, threading a hand through his hair. 

"Fuck," Yoongi chuckled at his reactions. "You're so fucking whipped for me."

It must have been the wrong thing to say, because Jimin froze. He pulled back, out of Yoongi's grip, blinking down at him. 

Yoongi's brow furrowed, confused. "What? What's wrong?"

Jimin let his eyes roam over Yoongi quickly, before finding his gaze again.

"What are we doing here, hyung?" Jimin asked, and Yoongi would have had whiplash from his change in demeanour, except that he felt like he'd been punched when Jimin used that word.

Hyung. 

Brother. Friend. 

Yoongi would have taken kitten over hyung, the word that told him beyond all doubt that Jimin still just viewed him as a casual fuck.

And Yoongi saw Jimin as so much more.

He could have held out on the truth for longer, but he saw no way around it. Eventually, he would have to tell Jimin what he was feeling, so it may as well be right now.

"Well," he answered Jimin's question honestly, sitting up slowly. "I mean... I hope we're going somewhere. Is that what you mean?"

Jimin almost flinched. "Going somewhere?" he repeated. "Like... like a relationship?"

The way Jimin said it, eyes tortured and mouth curling a little, betrayed his disgust at the word, and Yoongi remembered the one thing he'd been putting out of his head since he had finally given in to Jimin that night on the beach.

Jimin didn't do relationships.

Back then, he had told Jimin that he didn't want to do this casually. That he didn't want to risk their friendship. And then he'd done it anyway, and been so lost in Jimin since that he hadn't wanted to think about it.

Because Jimin was a drug he just couldn't let go of.

But now they had been sleeping together for days, unable to stop touching or kissing or moaning, and Jimin beamed when was around Yoongi, and sat on his lap and teased him and made him feel like no one else in the room existed-

And Yoongi had been foolish enough to think that meant he cared for him, when really it was just Jimin being his flirtatious self.

He felt like such a damn fool. 

Yoongi clambered out of bed, pushing Jimin to the side as he reached for his clothes.

Jimin laughed a little, nervous. "Hyung, where are you-"

"Yes," Yoongi cut him off, as he pulled his t-shirt on. "Yes, Jimin-ah, I mean like a relationship. There, you can say that word without sneering at it, you know."

Jimin lay stunned in bed, gazing at Yoongi as he dressed quicker than he ever had before.

"What do you want me to say?" Jimin challenged, eyes glittering with intensity.

"I want you to make a decision. This needs to be no sex, or more than sex," Yoongi said when he was dressed, making his position very clear, despite his heart thumping against his ribs. "I'm sorry. I can't do casual with you."

Jimin was still gazing at Yoongi, as steady as he'd ever been, and for a moment Yoongi thought he saw a flash of intensity in Jimin's irises. But it faded as quickly as it had appeared.

"If you can't do casual with me," Jimin said slowly now, "then... we don't do this."

Yoongi swallowed his disappointment like a bitter pill.

For Jimin, this could only ever be casual, or else they couldn't do it at all. 

Could Yoongi really do that? Consign himself to a life of just having Jimin in body, in the slender curve of him, the lithe agility of his dancer's frame, the crease of his eyes when he smiled and the tinkling sound of his laughter? Could he really expect himself to settle into a routine where this angel - or devil - in human form allowed Yoongi to worship his body every night, without ever developing an attachment to him?

Yoongi thought he knew the answer to that question - but he was too scared to give it to Jimin now, and shatter every illusion of hope they held between them.

He sighed, making for the door. "I need to think," he said as he pulled it open.

Jimin didn't stop him, gazing after him with that same inscrutable expression as he left.

Yoongi stood in the corridor for a while, thinking about how things had gone so wrong so quickly. Had he been wrong to bring up how whipped Jimin was? Was that a step too far - or was Jimin simply freaked out by anything related to feelings?

If so, he was not the right person for Yoongi to get involved with right now.

He knew he should walk away from Jimin. Knew it couldn't continue as it was. But everytime he thought about telling him it was over, it made a tightness constrict around his heart.

Fuck, he thought to himself, running a hand over his face. I'm too old and gay for this shit.

Figuring he may as well get coffee now that he was up, he trudged down the stairs, resolving to put Jimin out of his mind for now. He could talk to him later, when he'd properly thought things through. 

Grumpy and still mumbling to himself, he entered the kitchen to find Taehyung sat at the table, beaming down at his phone and talking in soft, soothing voices. When he saw Yoongi approaching though he hurriedly hung up, glancing around nonchalantly. 

Yoongi raised an eyebrow. "You got a new girl, Tae?"

Taehyung froze before his shook his head swiftly.

"No, it's Tannie," he admitted, cheeks blushing at the fact that Yoongi had just caught him facetiming his Pomeranian, who was staying with his parents. "He misses me."

"Mhm," Yoongi said accusingly, as if to say - we all know it's the other way around. Taehyung was obsessed with that dog.

He stepped up to the coffee machine and flicked it on, trying not to let the conversation with Jimin replay itself as he waited for the coffee to brew. He thought about Jimin's words once more - about what they would mean, and squeezed his eyes shut.

Focusing on his breath and trying to calm himself down worked to allay his anxieties, for about ten seconds - at which point, someone burst into the kitchen. 

"Hey Yoongles!" you planted a kiss on Yoongi's cheek, making him whip around and glare at you as if it were some kind of prank. But it wasn't. You were even smiling at Taehyung. "Hi Tae."

"Hey," Taehyung looked amused as he observed how happy you were, but Yoongi was just suspicious. Last time he'd seen you, you'd been pissed off enough to dunk Jungkook in the plunge pool, and he had dragged you off to do god knows what.

What the hell had happened to you since then?

"Are you on drugs?" he accused, as the coffee machine finally finished brewing. You rolled your eyes as Yoongi poured himself a steaming cup.

"It's just another beautiful day in paradise, is that not a good enough reason to be happy?" you hopped up onto the counter beside him, regarding him with bright eyes. "Oh - and I'm starting interviews for the article today, and guess who gets to go first!"

Yoongi glared at you. Your smile didn't drop.

"No," he said with a curt shake of his head. "I'm busy today."

"No you're not," you pointed out, crossing your arms. "I checked with Joon. He said you're free."

Stupid overgrown dimple man, Yoongi internally cursed him. Why couldn't anyone just be on Yoongi's side?

"I'm not in the mood," he complained now, and for once it wasn't a lie. The argument with Jimin had put him in a foul mood.

"You're never in the mood, Yoongles," you rolled your eyes, hopping down from the counter and wrapping your arms around his back in a tight squeeze. "C'mon, it'll be fun! I promise to ask you good questions. Nothing about how much you love basketball."

Yoongi considered this. He was sort of sick of talking about basketball all the time.

"Okay, fine. You can have a couple hours," he sighed, wriggling out of your grip, as you gave a cry of triumph and let him go, before doing the unthinkable - taking Yoongi's fresh coffee from right under his nose.

"Meet me on the terrace in an hour," you shot over your shoulder before he could reach for it. "Love you, you grumpy fuck!"

And, with Yoongi's steaming mug of coffee in your hands as you bounded towards your bedroom, you were gone.

Yoongi knew full well that you rarely drank coffee in the mornings. That coffee was not for you, but he had a strong suspicion of who you were taking it to, in your bedroom, at this hour of the morning. 

And all of a sudden, Yoongi knew why you were in such a sunny mood.

"So, she's finally interviewing for the article, huh?" Taehyung chuckled, gazing at the door you had disappeared from.

"Hm?" Yoongi's thoughts snapped back to the present. He remembered only now that the other boys, except Namjoon, thought that you had been here writing an article this whole time - and now you actually had been asked to write it. "Oh. Yeah. About time."

"Mm," Taehyung nodded. "I was wondering when she would."

Yoongi glanced at Taehyung as he poured himself a new cup of coffee. He was still gazing in the direction of the door, deep in thought, and the emotion in his eyes was only too recognisable, because Yoongi had seen it a million times before in his fans' eyes, too.

Hope.

Clearly, Taehyung was still holding out for something to happen between you and him. And unless he was sorely mistaken, Taehyung wanted that something to be a whole lot more than just an interview with you for an article. He knew you and Taehyung had reconciled, but if you had given him even the slightest hope of a chance, then Taehyung was clearly clinging onto it.

It was going to end badly for someone. Yoongi could see that.

And he resolved to do something about it -

Right after he'd had his coffee. 

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Yoongi buried his head in his hands, and took a deep breath.

You had eventually decided to just stay on the terrace for the interview as it was shaded, and you had gotten down to business quickly, sliding a dictophone over to Yoongi and pressing record. He would have complained again, but you had brought him a fresh cup of coffee, so he just grumbled a little under his breath, and then got on with it.

An hour later, Yoongi's brain was fried. He was used to doing interviews, but normally they asked him about his artistic influences or what projects he had in the works. 

You, on the other hand, were far too good at your job, and Yoongi hated it.

You bit your lip as you asked him the next question, entirely serious. 

"Do you ever feel like there is a disconnect between you, and the Yoongi that the fans idolise?" you read out clearly from your notebook. "Like - there's a fictional Yoongi that fans create in the parasocial spaces in their minds, and therefore, some aspect of you always remains fantasy?"

"Really?" Yoongi's jaw was hanging open a little, his head pounding at the idea of even beginning to answer that question. "You really expect me to answer that? That's some Namjoon shit right there."

You glared at your best friend, but he saw the blush on your cheeks as you did. "I'm just trying to do a good job here," you shot back sardonically. "Would you rather I asked you if you ever hook up with your fans?"

Yoongi scrunched his nose, but otherwise kept a straight face. "No, because like eighty percent of them are the wrong gender," he said calmly.

"Noted, I'll make that the headline," you rolled your eyes at him, snapping your notepad shut and turning the audio recording off on your dictophone. "Now tell me, off the record - who shat in your coffee this morning, hm? You're in a foul mood."

"It's nothing," he bit out, though he knew he could be honest with you, if no one else. He let his shoulders deflate. "Okay, it's not nothing. It's Jimin."

You grinned. "What's he done now, kitten?"

"He's not done anything," Yoongi grumbled. "It's me who's fucked up and f-"

Yoongi caught himself just in time - but you knew him way too well.

"Fallen for him?" you completed the sentence, eyes rounding in surprise. "Really?" 

"What, it's so hard to believe I have feelings?" Yoongi shot back sardonically.

"No, I didn't mean - it's just, you guys didn't seem all that serious," you explained, eyeing him curiously across the table. "So... you wanna date him?"

Yoongi looked away, his jaw clenching as he thought about dating Jimin, and how unattainable that was. "It's not about my feelings. He doesn't want it."

"Oh," you said softly, a hand going out to curl around Yoongi's where it rested on his coffee mug. "Shit. I'm sorry."

Yoongi thought again about the ultimatum Jimin had offered this morning.  Casual, or not at all.

He wasn't sure which one would hurt less.

"Take it from me," you said, almost guessing the dilemma that was running through Yoongi's brain right now. "It's much better to walk away from someone who isn't willing to commit, than to hang on for something you think might be there, only to be proven wrong. The first option takes a lot less time to get over, trust me."

Yoongi nodded. He knew you were right on this one, as loath as he was to admit it.

"Speaking of which," he said, remembering his thoughts about Taehyung from the kitchen. "We never talked about you making up with Tae."

You nodded, a small uncertain smile on your face. "Yeah, I mean - I wouldn't say we're back to being friends, but we can at least have a conversation now. So that's nice."

Yoongi was glad that you'd made up with Taehyung. He really was. But he had known you for far too long to know there was another part of that conversation with him that you weren't revealing.

And he thought he might know exactly what it was.

"Tae still wants to be with you," he predicted. "Doesn't he?"

"I mean-" your cheeks coloured. "He did... mention something along those lines, yes. But I told him it's... not the same for me."

"Right," he nodded sagely. "Because you're too busy falling in love with someone else. His best friend, as a matter of fact."

You looked outraged at all parts of this sentence - but there was one part in particular you took offence to. 

"I am not falling in love with him," you hissed, glancing around the terrace to check no one was passing by.

Yoongi regarded you with a cool gaze. "Mm. Who was the coffee for this morning?"

Your mouth opened, and then snapped shut again. You knew as well as Yoongi did that your love language was acts of service. 

He wondered if you'd figured out yet that it was Jungkook's too.

He held his hands up when you didn't reply. "I'm not judging you for it. Although Jungkookie really doesn't strike me as your type, you know," he observed, thinking about how insular Jungkook was - well, outside of the bedroom, anyway. 

"I mean-" your cheeks were so pink now that you looked sunburned, and you couldn't look Yoongi in the eye, amusing him further. "He's not, really. But recently... I don't know. He has me watching Marvel movies, Yoongi, for god's sake. And enjoying them."

"Oh shit," he chuckled, impressed. You had never let Yoongi talk you into watching a Marvel movie. "You're whipped as hell."

At this, you didn't even protest. You just buried your face in your hands.

"I don't know why I'm doing this," you groaned from behind your palms. "This ended so badly for me the last time. And he's leaving in two weeks and he's so famous and what is it with me wanting guys who will never be around, hm? And what if I just like the sex, what if I don't like him, and-"

Yoongi reached out and yanked your hands away from your face, taking in your panic-stricken expression. "Get a hold of yourself, woman," he said sternly, eyes locked on yours.

The shock of being treated so firmly seemed to make you freeze, your overthinking brain finally coming to a halt. "Huh?"

Yoongi rolled his eyes. He loved you very much, but sometimes you could be so dramatic.

"Firstly, you do not just like the sex," he said. "I have seen you before with people you're just fucking. Did you feel for Namjoon what you feel for Jungkook right now?" He paused to let you shake your head slowly. "No. So you can stop worrying about that, for starters."

You thought about this for a long moment, and Yoongi saw the relief that crossed your face, as if you were coming to terms with your own feelings. But the anxiety returned not a moment later.

"What if he only wants me while we're here?" you admitted in a small voice, and Yoongi knew this was your true, biggest fear. "Maybe it's better to just... say it was a fling, and leave it on this island. That way he won't change his mind when we leave and-"

You trailed off, but Yoongi knew the end of that sentence.

And hurt me the same way Taehyung did.

Even now, two years later, the after-effects of Taehyung leaving you in that hotel room still echoed through your choices.

"I mean, I can't tell you that it won't happen," Yoongi said. It was brutal, but honest, and he knew you'd appreciate the truth. Yoongi couldn't help remembering that Jungkook would inevitably run into Yoora at some stage in Seoul, the woman he'd come out here for in the first place. "But I can say this. Jungkook is not the type to change his mind. If he's set on you - he's set on you for good."

"He was set on Yooba," you countered. "He changed his mind on that pretty quickly."

Yoongi scoffed at the nickname. " Yes. But Yooba is half the woman you are."

You blushed and looked away, clearly happy about this, but still tense and biting your lip.

"Look, do whatever you want. If you want to just chalk this up to some holiday fling, then go for it. But seriously," he narowed his eyes. "You need to talk to Taehyung. Make sure he's clear on where you are, before this goes any further with Jungkookie. If it goes any further with Jungkookie."

"Okay," you nodded, swallowing a little. "You're right. It's better to just be honest and rip the band-aid off."

Yoongi nodded along with you, before realising this was the exact advice he had been avoiding for himself.

It's better to just be honest.

Yoongi thought about these words all afternoon, after the interview ended. He was still thinking about them a few hours later, when his legs moved on autopilot, taking him to the person he could no longer put off confronting. 

When he arrived at the pool, Jimin was curled up on a sun lounger alone. Yoongi sat down beside him, and with a heavy heart, he spoke.

"Jimin-ah," he said, with a resigned sigh. 

Jimin sat up and gazed at Yoongi. He read his mind before he said it, pleading with him through sparkling crescent-moon eyes. "Kitten. Please don't say it."

But it was too late. Yoongi was already forming the words.

"I don't think we should do this any more."

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