♠︎ thirty four

author's note:

ok so as i write this it is FORTY TWO DEGREES IN FRANCE (like 108F or sum for the 'muricans among you) and i am not able to cope 😭 this chapter took so long to write because it's impossible to even think in this heat tbh.

(also pls don't @ me saying 'omg that's not even that hot lol' ITS HOT TO ME OKAY IM BRITISH)

on the bright side though, i checked the rankings for this book today and omg they are so good! you guys are charting this book in some pretty big tags on this website and for that i can only thank you,  I LOVE YOU ALL! thanks sm for your support bagel buns 💜

ok lets get it!

CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR

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♠︎ YOU

Someone was singing when you woke up.

Huh? you thought confusedly, poking your head up from the pillow it was resting on - only to realise it wasn't a pillow at all, but Jungkook's chest.

The vibrations of his humming buzzed against your ears, making you wake up fully, realising that he too was awake, one arm still stroking your back as the other scrolled absent-mindedly through his phone. You barely remembered dropping off to sleep; over the course of the film your bodies had gotten closer and closer, and by the end of it you were tangled around him, too comfortable to care that you were going back on your own instructions as you fell asleep in his arms.

Normally, when you slept on your front while on your period - which was pretty much what you were doing, with your leg and arm slung over Jungkook like this - it was too painful. But today, the cramps and ache in your lower back had receded a little, and you cursed your body for having to be different at such a convenient moment. 

But you forgot all of that when you realised exactly what Jungkook was humming. He didn't know the words, but the tune of Almost There from the film you'd both just watched was unmistakeable.

"Whatcha singing there, Kookie?" you couldn't help the grin that spread over your face, seeing his face pout in annoyance at you as he realised you were awake and had heard him. He looked ridiculously cute with sleep-mussed raven hair.

"I can't help it if it the damn movie has catchy songs," he shot back, putting his phone down and resting his arm around you. "That doesn't make it good."

"This coming from a man who thinks the peak of cinema is men in superhero costumes."

Jungkook just shrugged. "I stand by it. I like men in lycra."

"Interesting," you mused, and when he raised his eyebrow for you to go on, you elaborated. "Your taste in men and women is very different."

"Is it?" he observed casually. "Never really thought about it."

"Well, I'm nothing like Jimin, for instance," you pointed out. "What about Yooba? Is she like me? Or like Jimin?"

"You're more like Jimin than you think," Jungkook retorted with a smirk. "Both of you are sassy as fuck when you want to be."

What a skilful way to dodge a question, you thought, not missing a trick. But clearly Jungkook did not want to discuss Yooba, for reasons unknown, and you didn't want to push it - maybe because you were so comfortable curled up in his arms right now. 

"Did you always know you were bisexual?" you asked him, out of sheer curiosity. You were absent-mindedly stroking a finger over his t-shirt as you lay on his chest, gazing up at him. 

"No," Jungkook said, looking down at you with honest doe eyes. "I thought I was straight for ages. And then one time me and Jimin were out for drinks after a show on tour,  and we both got a little drunk... okay, a lot drunk, and-"

He cut off, clearly remembering it with a sly smile, and his cheeks flushed pink. You couldn't help the grin that crossed your face at how adorable that was.

"Why does it not surprise me at all that Jimin was your gay awakening?" you commented. 

"It's easier when it's your friend, somehow," he replied, the hand stroking your back changing patterns to brush small circles over your spine. You shivered a little at the contact. "Don't tell me you and Nia never had a moment."

"I mean - no, we didn't," you said thoughtfully. Nia was hot, admittedly - but you'd never really been into women. "But I'm not saying I wouldn't go there if she wasn't my best friend. Like, if I was into women, I'd totally be into her."

Jungkook nodded sagely. "I get that."

You glared at him in a sudden stab of jealousy. "Why? You think she's hot?"

His round doe eyes remained the picture of innocence, but the corner of his mouth betrayed him by flickering into the ghost of a smirk.

"Why does it matter if I think Nia's hot?" he pressed, clearly amused and entirely too smug about this whole thing. "It's you in bed with me right now, isn't it?"

You tutted, looking away. "Well, yes," you grudgingly agreed. "But-"

"Hey," he placed a hand under your chin lightly, holding your gaze with his. The bunny smile had spread across his face. "You're adorable when you're jealous."

Before you had a chance to argue back, his lips were on yours.

It was a light press of mouths - nothing like the desperate kiss you'd pulled him into a few nights ago. It was slow and assured, and it only lasted a few seconds, before he tilted his head back, as if judging if you wanted him to stop. But he found no complaint from you.

He leaned back in, and you let yourself go.

This time, the arm around your waist rolled you under him so he was looming over you, your head pressed back into the pillows. You revelled in the warmth his body heat had created, and in how gently he moved you, as if he knew you were sore. One of his hands was still cupping your cheek, and the other intertwined with your hand, pressing it down into the mattress as he eased your mouth open with his tongue.

God, he was good at this. Want flooded your body, pulling at your core until you were reminded of the dull pain that resided there. It was this pain that yanked you out of the fever dream created by Jungkook's kisses.

"Kookie," you pulled away a little, pressing a hand onto his chest as you caught your breath. "What are we doing?"

He gazed down at you in confusion, an amused smirk on his lips. "Uh - kissing? What does it look like we're doing?"

"I am on my period," you hissed at him, slapping his chest for good measure, but Jungkook still looked at you as though you were yet to make a valid point. You could barely believe that he wanted to get down right now, when he knew full well you were in the mood - but it seemed that wasn't on his mind at all.

"I'm not planning on going any further than your mouth, little one," he said frankly. "You said yourself it was off the cards."

"But-" you began, until you realised you were unable to frame your concerns in a question. Because that question would be laying out something far too dangerous for him to answer.

Why are you kissing me if you don't want sex?

Because you weren't kissing as a precursor to sex, then you were just kissing. 

And just kissing was dangerous.

"Kookie," you said, pushing him away from you properly now and sitting up to observe him. "You can't just randomly kiss me."

The amused smile on Jungkook's face dropped as soon as it had formed. The sparkle in his eyes was dulling a little, and he sat back, untangling his hand from yours. "Yeah. You're right," he muttered, reaching for his phone. 

Your heart pounded as you watched him. "Are you annoyed with me?" you pressed, determined to have the truth out of him. "This was the deal, remember? You're here for Yooba-"

"It's Yoora," he snapped, cutting you off, stunning you into silence. "And do you seriously think that matters right now? Do you think I'm thinking about that when I'm with you?"

The tension pumped palpably through your veins. The words coming from him right now were certain and intense, and entirely unexpected - and your stomach twisted in anxiety as you tried to interpret them.

"Okay, then tell me this," you shot back, anger lacing your voice at your own inability to understand. "If it doesn't matter, then why are you here?"

The question hung between you, unanswered.

Jungkook's mouth opened a little, and then closed again. There was something there, hidden in the corner of his mouth, the crinkle of his eyes that shone like galaxies, that he wasn't saying. Under your stare he averted his gaze, rubbing at the back of his neck, a telltale sign of his nervousness - and even in this moment you cursed yourself for knowing this.

You knew him far too well now. You'd seen enough of him to have learned him. 

And the biggest problem was that you liked what you saw.

You liked that he was open-hearted and generous, quiet in crowds but confident and at ease in private. You liked that he explained a film to you or held you when he thought you needed it. You liked that he was always on the go, working out or swimming or singing, unable to stop himself, like a big bundle of energy. You liked that he wore his emotions on his face, scrunching it into a smile or downwards in annoyance, that bunny grin and doe eyes betraying everything he felt.

You liked it all, way too much.

Fuck, you thought, feeling that tremulous buzz in your veins that you felt every time he kissed you, or held you close to him. You didn't need him to answer the question. You knew the answer yourself.

If it doesn't matter, then why are you here?

Because you had become something to him. Something you were afraid he was becoming to you too.

A throb of tension ran through you, making your hands tremble. This was supposed to be sex. Just sex. Nothing else.

At what point did you and he become so intertwined?

"Tell me what happened with Taehyung," he said now, after the silence had gone on for far too long. His eyes were dark, and he bit at his lip ring in anxiousness.

The topic made you bristle. "Don't change the subject."

"This is the subject," he said indignantly. "You know it is. Tell me."

"You already know," you guessed accurately, voice a quiet murmur. "I must have told you while I was drunk."

"You told me that he said he loves you," Jungkook replied. His voice had gone very calm all of a sudden, but there was a hardness to his expression that hadn't been there before. "Nothing else."

"There's nothing else to say," you replied, feeling your heart pounding, the emotion choking your throat. "The conversation was pretty simple, I told him I just wanted to be friends, and-"

"And then you got so drunk you couldn't stand up," Jungkook finished for you. His eyes had taken on a dull, muted tone now. "That doesn't sound like the result of a simple conversation to me."

"Why does it matter?" you said irritably, wanting nothing more than to clamber from this bed and run away and hide. "You know how hurt I was over what he did to me. Of course it was going to be a difficult thing to forgive, and yes, him loving me makes that a whole lot more complicated, but why does it matter to you?"

"Because if you still feel something for him," Jungkook said, his voice eerily quiet now. "Then I don't think we should be..."

Oh, you realised. 

It relieved you a little, thinking that perhaps Jungkook was just concerned with what might happen to his friend's feelings if he knew you and Jungkook were sleeping together. But it was hard for you to fathom that this was the only reason Jungkook was acting so strange right now. 

Still, you needed to put his mind at ease about Taehyung.

"I don't," you said quietly. "I don't feel something for him, Kookie. Maybe before, because I... missed what we had. But not now."

Jungkook gazed at you for a long moment, weighing this up in his mind, before he nodded once. "Okay."

And then he surprised you. He leaned in, capturing your lips in one more kiss.

This, more than anything else, was the confirmation you needed, that your intuitions had been correct. Something beyond your connection with Taehyung was here, going largely unspoken by both of you. He was trying to show you instead.

And as much as you wanted to lose yourself in it - because even you could see now that his kisses had changed - you had to pull away. You had to talk about it.

"No," you whispered, forehead resting against his as you pulled back. "Stop doing that. You're confusing me."

Jungkook shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. His lips touched yours, but he didn't kiss you again.

For what felt like an eternity you stayed this way, foreheads touching, but neither of you daring to go further. A million thoughts buzzed through your mind. What did all of this mean? Did the ache in your heart right now really signal what you suspected it did? And if so, what were the consequences? Did he feel the same? What did he want from you? What did you want from him?

Above all of it, you could hear a quiet voice that sounded like Nia in the back of your mind. Girl, look at him. Did you really think this wouldn't happen?

The thought made your throat constrict a little. Perhaps the Nia-like voice was right. Jungkook was too handsome, too caring, too attractive, and you should have seen that it was dangerous to involve yourself with him from the start. But you'd been too eager to beat him, too competitive, to see the danger involved.

Perhaps this had all been inevitable since he kissed you for the first time. You should never have let him do it. 

After what felt like forever in the space of five seconds, Jungkook moved back a little. "I'm gonna - I'll go."

Your heart nearly stopped beating.

"No," you moved to stop him as he climbed out of your bed, reaching for his wrist, but he was already pulling away. "Wait-"

"I'll be back, I just-" he swallowed, unable to look at you as he made for the door. "I need some time out."

As the door shut behind him, you sat frozen in your bed, utterly stunned.

What the fuck had just happened?

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Two days passed.

When Jungkook said he'd needed a time out, you had been grateful. You needed time too, to process the way things had changed in the space of a few short minutes in bed. But when Friday rolled around and he still wasn't talking to you, ignoring you around the house and sticking to his bedroom, you were starting to become impatient and upset.

It didn't help that today was Nia's last day. You helped her pack her case, telling her that you were just down because of the symptoms of a particularly bad period. For some reason, you didn't feel like sharing what had happened with Jungkook with her just yet. Nia was wonderful, but she was reluctant about romantic feelings, and you weren't sure you'd like the answers she'd give you.

So you kept it to yourself, as you loaded her bags into the golf buggy, letting Yoongi drive the two of you and Namjoon up to the tiny airport.

It looked as if all of the other guests on the island besides the band were also leaving that day. Jin and Hobi were saying quiet goodbyes to their girlfriends, while Yoongi walked over to his friends to bid them farewell after giving Nia a hug. You stood aside as Namjoon hugged Nia too, and from the corner of your eye you could see that he wanted to kiss her, but he refrained. 

"Call me," he said to her with an easy grin, far more casually than you knew he was feeling.

Nia just shrugged. "If I feel like it," she smirked. But the wry grin on her face and the doting look in her eyes gave her away.

I say she calls him within 24 hours, you guessed, as Namjoon jogged away to say goodbye to some of his friends, leaving you alone with Nia. 

You hadn't expected yourself to get emotional. You'd be seeing Nia in a few weeks when you returned to Daegu, after all. But when she pulled you into a big hug, you couldn't help the emotion welling up in your eyes.

"Damn, girl, this period really is hitting you hard," she observed, holding you at arms length. "Are you sure nothing is wrong? Did Jackblack do something? I'll cut his balls off if he did-"

"No, Ni, he's - everything's fine," you dismissed her, hastily wiping a stray tear. "I'm good. I'm just sad you're leaving."

Nia's eyes softened a little, but she shot you a huge smile. "I know, babe. But just call me if you need me, okay? I expect weekly dick reports from you now that you're getting it on the regular."

You grimaced at this, looking away to hide it, as the memory of your mind-boggling conversation with Jungkook returned to you. You weren't sure if you and Jungkook would actually be sleeping together again on this trip.

"Safe travels, Ni," you squeezed her hand, putting the thought out of your head.

"Peace out, bitches!" she shouted, making Yoongi and Namjoon roll their eyes from across the tarmac. You watched her flounce up the stairs to the jet, standing still until her tinkling laughter was no longer heard.

When the rest of the passengers had boarded the jet, you turned to make your way back to the golf buggy, seeing Namjoon already waiting there. Before you could think too much about Nia leaving or about Jungkook, your phone buzzed in your pocket, breaking you out of your thoughts. It was Kami, your editor at the magazine you currently worked freelance for.

You sighed as you answered it. "Really, Kam? I thought we agreed no work for at least another two weeks," you protested, though you were glad the plane hadn't taken off yet, or you'd have no hope of hearing her.

"Well, hello to you too," Kami huffed. You loved her, but sometimes she took her work a little too seriously - whereas you just wanted to write about music and have fun. "And yes, we did agree that - but that was before I found out that you're currently on an island with half of BTS right now."

"Actually I'm on an island with all of BTS," the words were out of your mouth before you could stop them. "Wait, no - shit -"

But Kami just laughed. "Even better! There's a commission from the senior editors for a long piece on what the boys are up to on their break. The idea being a deep dive into each of them, what they've been doing - and maybe a little insight into each of their personal lives, if that clears HYBE's requirements? And who better to write it than the woman on the inside!"

"Kami, I really don't think-"

"I figured you'd want to square it with the guys first before I put an official request in to HYBE," she continued, as if you hadn't spoken at all. "Do you think they'd be up for it?"

"Well - I'd have to check with them," you said uneasily. "When do you need it by?"

"Kind of a tight turnaround on this one. Seniors want it for the Autumn edition," she replied with an apologetic tone. "How about two weeks' time?"

"Two weeks?!" your jaw dropped a little. "Kam, I'm on vacation-"

"Okay, sounds great! Gotta go doll - keep me updated on how it goes," Kami was signing off chirpily, and you heard the phone line go dead a moment later.

You dropped the phone in frustration. Kami always did this - she proposed things she knew you'd disagree with, and then run away before you could convince her not to do them. 

Damn you, Kami, you cursed, thinking of how grumpy you'd already been about your argument with Jungkook, only for the day to get worse. You loved your job, but you'd been really looking forward to a full six weeks off, and writing this article in such a short time was going to eat into all the relaxing you had planned.

But you really didn't have a choice. If HYBE okayed it, you'd have no reason not to write it - especially considering you were a freelancer, and so you sort of had to take work as and when it came up. Planned vacations didn't really exist for you.

A tiny voice in your head was telling you that it might be a good distraction from the doe-eyed, dark-haired problem you'd made for yourself. So you sighed, meandering back to the golf buggy where Namjoon sat, realising you had no other option. 

"Joon," you called to him. "I have a favour to ask you."

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