♠︎ twenty six

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

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♠︎ FLASHBACK: TWO YEARS EARLIER... ♠︎

♠︎ YOU

"Guess who's in town?"

You grinned as you pressed the phone to your ear. "Uh... is it Joon? I missed him."

Yoongi's unamused grumble echoed down the line. "Very funny. I'll be in Daegu in the next hour. Come over."

Before you could protest, he'd hung up.

"What happened to hi, hello, how are you?" you muttered to yourself as you put the phone down. But really, you were thrilled that Yoongi was back - it had been way too long since you'd last seen him. It was only a shame that Nia was on tour, or you could have gotten the whole crew back together.

You got ready quickly and drove over to his house, greeting Yoongi's dog Holly who went beserk as you came in.

"We're upstairs!" came Yoongi's voice from the upper level.

We? you thought as you padded up the stairs. Who else was here?

The question was answered as you stepped into Yoongi's bedroom, where him and another man were lounging on Yoongi's couch.

You nearly froze in your tracks.

"There she is," Yoongi stood and pulled you into a hug. "I missed you."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, missed you too," you managed to hug him back, sounded entirely insincere, because Kim Taehyung was in the same room as you.

He had stood up to greet you now, and you realised he was much taller than you'd expected. Of course, being Yoongi's friend meant that you weren't nearly as starstruck by meeting the members as you might have been, and you'd met Namjoon before; but something about Taehyung was different. He was, impossibly, even more handsome in person, with sharp angular features and hair falling in dark chocolate waves.

Your heart did a tiny somersault as he grinned at you. He was gorgeous.

"Hi," he greeted you in a deep voice. "I'm Tae."

"Yeah, I know who you are," you gave him a sly grin, at which his cheeks turned a little pink and he averted his eyes. 

"Taehyung is home in Daegu for a little while too," Yoongi explained, though he was looking shrewdly between the two of you. 

"Oh," you said. "That's cool."

Taehyung didn't respond. You gazed at him, wondering if he was wearing contact lenses, because his eyes were such a vibrant shade of amber that they almost didn't seem real.

For a long moment, neither of you spoke.

"Damn, you two are awkward as shit," Yoongi tutted, watching this exchange take place. "Let's just skip the this bit, shall we? He's single, you're single. You've definitely not had any dick in the last six months-"

"Oh my god, Yoongi," you hissed at him, blushing crimson - though Taehyung seemed to be blushing just as hard.

"What?" he shrugged. "It's much easier than watching you two try to flirt with one another. For two hot people, you're both as awkward as it gets. Just bone, for god's sake. I'm going to make some ramen."

With that, Yoongi rose from his seat, striding out of the room, leaving the pair of you gaping after him in silence.

"Sorry about him," you apologised, though you realised that after eight years in a band with him, Taehyung was probably used to this kind of stuff from Yoongi. "He has no filter."

"Tell me about it," he chuckled, and you were glad that the tension in the air was dissipating a little. "So, uh... you're single?"

You could have choked on your own spit.

"Um... well, I mean-"

"Because I'm in town all week," he continued smoothly. "And I'd love to take you out. If you are... you know. Single."

Holy fucking shit, you thought. 

He was asking you out. Kim Taehyung was asking you out. 

"Yeah," you smiled, feeling your heart squeeze a little. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Great," a boxy smile lit up his handsome features. "It's a date."

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"Damn," Taehyung groaned, collapsing down on to the pillows next to you. "That was insane."

"Yeah," you laughed a little breathlessly, trying to catch your breath beside him as the afterglow of your orgasm receded. 

Okay, so things had escalated quickly.

It had only taken one date for both of you to realise how desperate you were for each other - and besides, Taehyung was only going to be here for the week, and you wanted to make the most of the short time you had together. So one drink had led to three, which had led to a hotel room, the pair of you tangled and sweating and moaning beneath the sheets.

"I wanna do that again," Taehyung said to the ceiling now, before turning to face you. 

"Shit, Tae, give me five minutes," you laughed teasingly, beaming at him, and he beamed back, his boxy smile making your stomach erupt in butterflies.

"Okay, fine," he leaned over to you, cupping your face and kissing you slowly. "Five minutes, and then you're mine."

You grinned, feeling like your heart might burst out of your chest. "Deal."

After all, it was only a week until he went back to Seoul.

You had to make it count. 

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That was all it was supposed to be. 

One week. 

No strings.

But then the call came in for you to do the editorial piece on Map of the Soul 7, a few weeks later. At the time, you had been working for a large news outlet, and when they heard of your connections to Yoongi, they were desperate for you to go and conduct this interview.

The opportunity was far too big for you to pass up.

So you had flown to Seoul and met with them - all of them, this time - to interview them for the piece. They sat in front of you and answered your questions politely, for hours on end. It was the first time you met most of the boys - including Jungkook. But back then, you only really had eyes for one man in that room.

And he, it seemed, only had eyes for you, the amber irises burning into you from the back row.

Not again, you told yourself as the interview came to a close and the boys prepared to leave. It's not worth it. He lives miles away and he's mega-famous and you'll never see him and if you catch feelings, girl, you're absolutely fucked-

"Hey," a deep, unmistakeable voice interrupted your thought spiral.

"Hi," you greeted Taehyung neutrally. He had come up to the interviewers' chair to talk to you, while the other boys were chatting happily behind him about going out to get barbecue food. "How are you?"

His amber eyes glinted. "Better for seeing you," he murmured.

"Tae," you warned him, though the sparks shot through your belly. 

You didn't need to say any more than that. He knew what you meant. Don't push it.

But Taehyung was persistent. A hand found your hip, stroking gently over the curve of it, before it travelled to the back pocket of your jeans. 

"Here," he said in a low voice, as he slipped something into it. "Tonight. Find me."

It was only once he had walked away, and the room was empty, that you had the courage to reach in there and draw out what he had left. 

His hotel room key. 

Fuck, you thought, hands trembling as you observed it in anticipation. 

It was dangerous, you knew, to see him again. He was so handsome and charming and addictive, that letting yourself do this again meant risking entangling yourself in something you couldn't escape from. 

But one more couldn't hurt, right? For old times' sake. And besides, one more time wouldn't be enough for you to fall for him. 

That's what you told yourself, when you let yourself into his room that evening.

You couldn't have known then that you had already fallen.

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After the interview - after the hotel room key - it became a routine. 

Taehyung was a hard man to pin down, with tours and packed schedules and events all over the globe; and though your work was a little more flexible, it required you to be in Daegu the majority of the time. But that didn't mean you couldn't take the odd weekend off to go to Seoul, or to stay overnight at whatever hotel he was in this time. 

Basically, whenever Taehyung called, you went to him.

Looking back on it, it was a little pathetic. It was still just sex, after all - there was never dinner, or a movie, or anything resembling a date. There was secrecy, and hotel rooms, and bedsheets. Endless bedsheets for the pair of you to tangle beneath. 

There was nothing to even remotely indicate that this was any form of relationship, and deep down you knew you were in far too deep for something that was essentially casual sex with someone you were barely friends with. 

But then things started to change.

Roses started to arrive at your house, a few days before he got to town. Or chocolates, or champagne. He started sending you tracks of him, singing or humming material he'd been working on, that you would play and replay with an unfurling sensation in your chest.

Then one day, he did take you for dinner. It was in Seoul, at a place you prayed neither of you would be recognised in, and you weren't - and it was dinner. It was a real, actual date.

And things were changing in the bedroom, too.

When you fucked, he stopped telling you that you were hot, or sexy; instead you were beautiful, the most beautiful woman he'd ever met, and he felt so lucky to have you. Sex with him had never been kinky - he wasn't really into being dominant or submissive - but it was always intense, and passionate, and you found that you didn't care about kinks with Taehyung.

Because it didn't even feel like he was fucking you any more. It felt like you were making love.

Something was changing. You could both feel it. 

You began waking up with him instead of leaving in the early hours of the morning, the pair of you intertwined together beneath the sheets, a mess of bodies and mussed hair and his long, honey-skinned limbs. You had long conversations there after hours of lovemaking, talking about anything and everything until eventually he would roll you over and take you once again. You loved the way he spoke to you, deliberate and deep, the way he thought about everything before he said it. You loved the smell of him, and the way that you began to smell like him after you'd spent a night in his arms.

You loved his boxy smile most of all. And those alluring, amber eyes, that always seemed to be watching you in admiration.

"I don't want to go," he murmured one night, when he had an early flight the next morning, but was currently sleep-warm and tangled with you beneath the sheets. "I don't want to leave you this time."

So don't, you almost foolishly replied. Stay with me. 

You knew he wouldn't - he had a schedule, after all, and besides, you had your own work to do. But something about him made you want to forget it all. 

After months of this, it was impossible to deny it any more.

You had feelings for him. 

You just had to hope now that all the signals he was giving you were correct. That Taehyung felt the same way. 

There was only one way to find out.

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It all came to a head, three months later.

Taehyung was in Daegu for a film premiere, and they had put him in a swanky suite at an upmarket hotel in the city centre. Part of you, a reckless part, had wanted to suggest that he come and stay at your place, but thankfully you managed to contain that idea. He had never even visited your apartment, let alone stayed there. 

There was no dinner that evening, because the film premiere didn't end until late; you arrived at his hotel just after midnight, snuck in the back entrance by his bodyguards, and you were naked and moaning underneath him in mere minutes.

"Fuck, I missed this," he breathed, gazing down at you as you both neared the edge. It had been six weeks since you'd last seen him. "I missed you so much."

It was these words that sent you over the edge, Taehyung following close behind, the pair of you exhausted and gasping as you recovered from your releases. His body rolled off of yours and yours followed, pressing into his side.

"Tae," you murmured to him, spurred on by the afterglow and the emotions pumping through your veins. "I want to be with you."

He grinned, wrapping you into his arms, his face glowing with exertion and happiness. "Me too. Don't go yet."

"No, Tae, I mean-" you rested your hands on his shoulders and pushed him away slightly, so you could look at him properly. "I mean, really be with you. I don't want to be with anyone else."

You knew, the moment you said it and his whole body tensed, that you'd fucked up.

He drew back from you all of a sudden, and then he sat up.

"Fuck," he laid a hand over his eyes as if he were in pain, the honey skin of his back glowing in the dim lamplight. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" you replied automatically, but the sinking feeling in your stomach told you that you knew exactly what for. 

"I don't..." he began, taking his hand from his face but still unable to look at you. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Oh," you said. It felt like a knife had been pushed violently through your heart. "Oh. Okay, that's... fine. Just forget I said it."

Taehyung had turned to look at you now, and the pitying gaze in his amber eyes made you want to cry. "It's not because I don't feel... it's just - I can never commit to you. Not the way you want me to."

"I don't know what you mean by that," you started to clamber out of bed, dressing in a hurry, the anxiety and shame and humiliation starting to swirl in your stomach. "Is there someone else?"

"What? No!" he protested in panic, watching as you pulled on your skirt.

"Well, then, just tell me it's not the same for you, Taehyung. Be straight with me. It's okay if you don't feel the same but don't lead me on-"

"Wait," he was climbing out of bed now too, reaching for you. "Just - wait-"

"No," you shrugged him off, pulling your top over your head. "I'm going-"

But then he said exactly the thing you needed to hear to stop you in your tracks.

"I do feel it," he murmured, his lips brushing yours. "This is all so confusing, but... I feel the same. I promise, love."

The nickname sent a torrent of butterflies through your stomach, and you froze. "You do?"

Taehyung nodded, amber eyes burning into yours. "Don't go. Please, we'll work it out. Just don't leave me right now."

You had never been able to say no to him. 

So you stayed. You let him undress you again, let him press his kisses into the places you needed them most, until you were crying out for more. You let him call you his love, let him tell you that you were beautiful and valuable and precious. Let yourself fall asleep in his arms afterwards, secure in the knowledge that though it might be difficult, at least he felt the same way.

You let yourself believe that it was going to work.

And when you woke up hours later to sunlight filtering in through the windows, his side of the bed cold and empty, you realised that you had been played.

He was gone.

And this time, he wasn't coming back.

♠︎ END OF FLASHBACK ♠︎

It was silent for a long moment, after you finished your story.

"Shit," Jungkook murmured. You had come to sit on the edge of the bed during your explanation, and he was sat up next to you, his gaze filled with concern. 

"So you know now," you mumbled. "Why I don't want to stay. It's not to do with you, Kookie. It's just me protecting myself."

Truthfully, after telling Jungkook your side of the story, you felt a little ashamed. It seemed like so much less of a big deal than it was in your head. Would Jungkook think this was some trivial matter that you and Taehyung just needed to sort between yourselves? You couldn't stand it if he thought that.

For you, this had been a matter not only of heartbreak, but of pride. You'd let Taehyung talk you into staying that night. Into giving him access to you and your heart one last time. 

If only you'd known that he would rip it out of your chest, and walk away without looking back.

That was why you couldn't fall asleep next to Jungkook. Because you had a horrific fear of waking up alone once more.

"You didn't hear from him after?" Jungkook asked now, his voice quiet. "He didn't... try and explain? Maybe it was a misunderstanding-"

But you shook your head. "Don't you think I thought of that? That maybe he'd had an urgent call to work or something and had to go? But I called him that day a million times, they all went to voicemail. He didn't leave any explanation, didn't even bother to write a note. And then a week later-"

You stopped, swallowing the lump in your throat that rose as you told the hardest part of your story.

"A week later he messaged me. Told me he was sorry, but he couldn't ever see it working. It was over."

Jungkook was silent at this, but you could see from his expression that it pained him to hear this about his hyung.

But it was the truth - raw and unfiltered. You were simply relaying the facts of what had happened. And the fact was that Kim Taehyung let hope bloom inside you that night, and then he crushed it easily in one hand.

"If he'd told me he didn't feel the same way... I could have handled that," you mumbled down, fiddling with the threads of Jungkook's sheets. "Rejection sucks, but it's better than being lied to. I was so humiliated, Kookie."

Jungkook gazed at you, and you almost couldn't handle the pity in his eyes - but then he took one of your hand between his, rubbing it softly.

"Look," he began. "I know our arrangement is not like that. You and Taehyung... that was different. There were feelings involved. But I promise that I'll always communicate with you. I won't hurt you because I didn't tell you how I was feeling."

The emotional intelligence in Jungkook's words astounded you, though you didn't know why you were surprised. He had always struck you as the kind of person who didn't take kindly to bullshit; he preferred to speak his mind, to act as he wanted and make his intentions clear. He wasn't one for emotional games or manipulation. 

Still, it was a comfort to hear him say it. 

You nodded, squeezing his hand back. "Thank you."

Jungkook grinned, gazing at you, but said nothing this time. You didn't know if he still wanted you to stay, but really all you wanted was some time to yourself to think it all all through.

"Kookie, I..." you raised a hand to your cheek and realised you were crying. "I'm still gonna go, okay? I'll stay another time. But I just want to sleep right now."

Jungkook didn't argue with you this time. He just nodded, squeezing your hand again gently. 

"Sure," he murmured. "You'll be okay?"

You nodded honestly, and realised that even just having told Jungkook the full story had made you feel better - and his reassurance that he would never do that had helped too. 

"Goodnight, Kookie," you let your hand slip from his, pulling your dress over your head and making for his door.

"Hey," he called to you as you left, and you turned at the door. "For what it's worth, I still think you should talk to him. The other day, he said... well. I just think he realises how much he fucked up with you. He's ready to apologise."

You grinned at Jungkook, knowing he was only trying to help. 

But the real question wasn't whether Taehyung was ready to apologise.

It was whether you were ready to forgive him. 

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