Chapter 15

Nesta

Just a few hours and all of this is gonna be over, I repeat this in my head while doing everything they made me. I am gonna fly over to where they tell me I belong. I just need to wait for the Doves and Eagles. I am trying not to think of the fact that my life can truly change. I will finally know who I am, and what I am. Just a little more time....

This is hard would be an understatement of the era. I am trying, Mother above knows I am. I am on the last hour playing along with the sword and other weapons. In front of me is Cassian with a sword in his hand. Devlon said, Cassian has always been the one to fight along when one is challenged to portray oneself as worthy for the Illyrian training. My breaths are coming hard, as I stare at Cassian, the rounds before that had already drained me out. And he knows this, His face is calm and collected, like it always is. But there's this fire in his eyes, A rock shattering thunder in his stride as he closes in on me, our swords clash, and I grit out as its force almost makes me fall. Lord Owen, wasn't using this much force, But Cassian, he was all in it, I am trying to back myself, just one clash and i am almost to the ground, No way I would be able to live after this. I try to force his sword back to his chest, when he himself backs away, As he steadies himself, I leap myself up on him, and attack, It takes him off guard but no harm done, He isn't advancing towards me anymore, and that leaves me to throw my attacks, he is quick to defend, quick to move out the way, I am near frustrated when I see him grin and that is all i need to advance forward with full force, He is on the ground, as I sit over on him, both of our swords between us, nearly at his neck, He isn't giving his all, I can see with the way his eyes are on me, surprised and full of ...awe maybe? I yell over at him, "Yield, Now!" I can hear loud gasps, coming over from people but i don't bother to look around. Cassian cocks his head, the sword dancing back and forth between his neck and my chest, "One thing you should always and forever remember Nesta is..." Before I could know or move, I am on my back, with him standing, his sword at my neck, and mine lying somewhere on the dirty mud. "I never yield. It isn't in my blood, my bones, my heart." I hear a loud thud of a bell indicating the fight has ended. This didn't even last 7 proper minutes. Freaking hell. Cassian's eyes are empty, but there was a flash of something i missed. He doesn't even give me a hand to stand and instead moves away without a look to anyone. I stand up, and it's tough to tell what aches more, my body or my mind. I am so confused, so irritated, so harsh on myself. I don't wanna climb the mountain anymore, I don't wanna do anything but escape this, Escape this moral of proving myself worthy of something I don't even want. I follow an Illyrian women in a camp where she takes my hand, and rubs a balm on it, I hiss at the sudden coldness and then wonder where i even got it? She even puts some aid on my forehead, I didn't even realise I had blood flowing out of me. The lady looks over at me after aiding me up. "You were good." She tells me and moves out before i could say a thanks.

As i come out of the tent, Every single person moves his head towards me, Slowly i see the line breaking out and Feyre and Elain standing over there. There's an urge inside me that makes me want to just run over at them and just plead them to take me out of here. Cassian is standing along with them, still not looking at me. His eyes are on the mountain. I eye up the mountain too, My shudder echoes through the whole camp as a cool wind passes by. My hands are fidgeting at their sides. I wanna say No. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I want Cassian to hear me just this once, I just can't. 

But somewhere I know I can hear a voice that tells me I can. But I won't have to if I don't want to.

Cassian

I take a side glance at Nesta, her head as always up, Hey eyes shine with the spark that makes me weak in my goddamn knees. Her hand is injured, I guess it happened during the fight itself, how did I not notice? Feyre tightens her hands, its like she is digging her nails in her palms and Elain is on the verge of fainting out. And there's Nesta masking it all up. I can feel her eyes on me, I can sense the confusion written on her face, and i don't even know why that is. She thought she would be climbing up alone, oh the hell she is. Nesta is strong, her will is stronger than anyone's but she is still a person, she was a person, a human. With fears, mortality. Her body might have changed, but her mind still processes that way. Of course she is gonna be on the denial to doing this. During the fight, she had been fierce, brave, but she was on the verge of breakdown. Something's eating her up, and I would give anything to know what it is but i don't wanna show her that that affects me. 

She reaches towards us, staying defiant as always even while greeting. She doesn't look my way. just as expected.

I clear my throat. "You have got 30 mins. 2000 m steep climb." I can hear the snickers, some laughs, and some gasps. Nesta doesn't even blink an eye,

"I am not doing it." The whole camp goes silent, saying no to any ritual is an insult to their ancestors traditions and rules-regulations. I can't even help Nesta until she tells all of us her powers. Her powers can either break her or make her. And right now its just tearing her life apart. 

"That's not an option." I say and wait for her to just get over with it.

"I didn't ask for one." She is still not meeting my eyes. "I am leaving. I don't wanna be a part of something that is so conservative about its people and where i'll have to prove myself that I aint a witch, trying to kill Illyrians. I don't wanna be part of anything where I don't belong. And I don't belong in this environment. I did the first two steps because I wanted time. And now I have got it." 

I hear the screeching of the snow on the land as the two eagles I saw before land up on Nesta's side. The ugly cry of crows is deafening. But at the same time, The doves covering the whole sky leaves everyone mesmerized. No one notices Nesta being covered over by the doves as they land swiftly at her sides. 

           Oh you the sea, drowned in the fire and ash, the howling wind and the rock seek you, oh you the mother of ours, the beauty in all forms...you have found us..you have found where you belong.

 It's like everyone's shouting, it's like a mantra being repeated, the wind is everywhere, blowing off too wildly, My own wings are pushing themselves back away, but I move forward against the wind.                  

 "NESTA!"  There's no way she would be able to hear me through all the wind, the chants, but I am begging she does. I am crying out her name until my mouth goes dry and everything stops. Everything stills. And there's no Nesta......No sign of her anywhere. She's gone. 

Nesta

 I am in the air, It feels like I am but i am not flying, its more like just floating. Without any wings, without winnow, its just like stepping up and down from one back to another. It's like a track. I can't see anything as far as eyes can see, all I see is darkness and snow, and all I feel is a sense of anticipation to know whats before me. I am high above the mountain that i was supposed to climb. Its gigantic enough but what i see next takes my breath away. Ramiel from this close is sight to behold. I hold onto my powers still in the air. The birds aren't stopping tho, they are escaping out fast. I can feel something powerful shadowing in. Something really old, and haunted. I's like it just came alive altogether. And it was like it was watching me. I glance back at the mountain and see the three stars that occur only once or twice in a year. So that would mean today's the blood rite's eve. I shudder because I have listened to enough stories to know this isn't exactly like every other mountain. This one breathes in life. A few minutes later, Everything is so blurry around that I do not have it in me to open my eyes and see whats happening. There's huge flap of wings, the wings that are now enveloping me, I don't dare open my eyes and look at the mountain. I can't imagine the amount of power I just sensed in it. In the gust of power, I sense a great comfort in what and who was holding me, I just know by the touch that it's him. "Are you okay?" His voice is rough and so on the edge that it gives me chills. I nod my head against his chest as he continues to fly away in the mist. After a while when we are in the clear and I feel the fresh air, I open my eyes. This doesn't seem like a camp nor does it look like a place with any civilization. Cassian lands us a little roughly on the surface, he looks like he is still getting over something. I straighten myself having nothing to say to him. 

"Are you okay?" He asks straightening himself up too. 

"Are you?" 

"That's not what I asked. You scared me today Nesta." 

I don't say anything for a moment and give him a stoic face. 

"What were you trying to do? Where were you trying to go?" 

"How did you find me?" He shakes his head when I again don't answer and instead ask something back. 

"Elain told me she had visual of you somewhere over Ramiel, I knew a shorter way to reach there. Now answer mine."

"I don't owe you an explanation of anything."

He pulls at my arms when I try to move and folds it in between his chest and my back. I can tell by the grip he is holding me, that it's gonna leave a mark. "Would you for mother's sake stop being so bitchy about everything and yes, you fucking owe me an explanation about just leaving everything off like that. It is thankfully Blood Rite's eve, so the mountain broke off your magic and whatever those bird species were, they sauntered off, otherwise cauldron boil-me I would have never been able to find you. " I turn around, jerking his hand off me. 

"Why do you care?" I push at his chest. "Why does it even matter to you? Why do you always always have to pull me out, just let me go. No one's gonna care if I die or live. Oh wait. I am already dead. Huh! well-- " 

"I did, I tried to fucking save you Nesta, Christ I tried and I am sorry that I wasn't able to, I am sorry I lost my promise to you. But not anymore. You are my responsibility Nesta, not because someone asked me to, but because I want you to be. And Nesta Archeron you aren't dead. You are alive now! Being dead made you alive. This is you, This fury behind these eyes, this fire inside you. This boiling rage. This enigma! This is you. And I always saw this in you. Even before you died." His eyes rave up and down my face, sliding down my body and I try not to give away any expression. Shit it's hard.

Cassian

"Don't make me the bad person here, I don't blame you for my death, I never did, I don't blame anyone for anything. I just don't care about it anymore. Or maybe sometimes there's just too much emptiness inside of me that makes me question if i am still the same old person. The anger is the one thing that remains the constant. I am angry at myself. I wanna be alone because I can't let this alter ego of mine ruin everything. I just can't let anyone see me as something I wish I wasn't. But I am. I am a witch in their eyes and I shouldn't care but it's just too hard and it hurts. Because I can't stop being this way. I am flawed. I don't want to be like this. Feelings hurt Cassian. It hurts--"

 I don't let her speak anything as I cover the distance between us and take her lips in my mouth, Her mouth is wet and a soft sob escapes her lips just I close my mouth on hers, taking her sob in me, Her hands are at her sides, totally numb, but i hold her upright. I kiss her softly, taking in her pain, trying to make her feel okay. tears start leaking down her face and I can't help but wipe them off too, kissing at each place they left their stain. 

I can never get used to this side of Nesta. It breaks something inside of me and I am too afraid to say it out loud that it's my heart.

"I am breaking Cassian. I feel like I am breaking."

"Then do, break away and rebuild yourself, if that's really what you want. I'll be here to make you love yourself when your breaking is done and you are ready to feel again." 

I see the way her eyes look up at me and shine. There's a small smile there and as I kiss her again, it widens. 

Oh what a lovely sight! Nesta Archeron, you are breaking me....

Damn this side of Nesta is too heart breaking. And did Cassian just said something about his heart? The Chapter will continue next week. Thanks for reading! VOTE and COMMENT and if you haven't given me a FOLLOW then please do if you wanna get regular updates..