10

Present

Ryder

I listened to melodic chaos of kids' nursery rhymes, giggles and high pitched squeals from inside their flat. Raven had just gotten back from a family trip to Italy to visit her husband Teddy's parents. As soon as her plane touched down, she was texting me to make plans to get together.

Raven was like the big sister I had never had. Always looking out for me, giving me great advice and a shoulder to cry on. And at times when needed, holding me accountable and telling me about myself. Raven could see through my mask. The calm, cool collected girl who had her shit together and never needed saving crumbled in her presence. Our dynamic was different, I didn't have to be performative. She had given me space and time to be raw and honest. She was the only one in her family, aside from Zayn, who I let in like that. Laila and I were close, but it was still different.

A moment goes by before the door swings open and her bright and bold eyes appear. She grins, her pearly white teeth dazzling and instantly pulls me into a hug.

"Ry, oh it's so good to see you," she beamed as she squeezed me tightly.

I return the hug and giggle.

"You too Ray, it's been too long," I groaned playfully.

She pulls away and holds me at arms length, her eyes examining me.

"Only been about four months, but it's been four months too long. You look fantastic, please come in," she insisted.

She stepped to the side and ushered me in. She closed the door swiftly as I kicked my shoes off and left them by the door. The sound of toddlers running around grew louder as we walked down the hall and into the living space. Raven's twins, Samira and Yasmeen, bounced around the living room like energizer bunnies. Their cheerful voices sung along to the song playing through the surround sound as they mimicked the animals on tv. I couldn't help but stop and admire them. Every time I see them, they seem to double in size and talk ten times more. Samira's onyx hair is in a messy plait as Yasmeen's may have once been in a plait but is a tangled mess surrounding her cherubic face.

Raven lowers the volume on the television and the girls' heads turn around quickly. The look of annoyance and furrowed brows remind me so much of Raven that I let out a laugh.

"Mum, play the video," Samira whined.

Yasmeen opened her mouth to protest but instantly smiled the second her eyes met mine.

"Spider," Yasmeen cheered and ran towards me.

Samira's eyes fell on me and she followed behind Yasmeen, just as cheerful.

"Spider, spider, spider," they cheered in unison as they hugged my legs.

My heart warmed at their nickname for me and I quickly knelt to their level and scooped them into my arms.

"Sam and Yas, how I've missed you two so much," I declare and hug them tightly.

They pulled back and smiled at me, stars in their eyes.

"Play with us," they demanded and tugged on my wrist.

"Play with us spider, play blocks," Samira cheered and pulled me.

"Soon girls," Raven interrupted, "Let Spider and mummy catch up and then you can all play."

Samira pouted and shook her head.

"No, play now, please please please," Samira protested.

"It's fine, I'll play now. Your mommy and I can catch up in a little," I conceded and offered Raven a soft smile.

She returns it and shifts her attention to Samira.

"Might I say the terrible twos are in full effect with this one," she sighs.

"I'll order us some food, would you like your usual?" Raven asks as she shifts her attention back to me.

"Where are we ordering from again?"

I crouch down onto the floor as Samira drags a half full bag of blocks my way.

"I figured we'd do tacos tonight. There's this new place called La Maya, you'll love them. I can order some rice, you're beloved birria tacos and empanadas," Raven offered.

My stomach growls at the thought of it.

"Ooo yes please, I haven't eaten all day. That'll hit the spot," I confirm with a nod.

She rolls her eyes and smiles, "You got it. Play with your god kids and we'll address your shit eating habits when we catch up."

Yasmeen's head popped up and she gasped.

"Shit mummy, no shit, bad word," she scolds.

Raven presses her lips together and quickly nods.

"Yes, you're right Yasmeen. I'm so sorry," Raven apologized.

Yasmeen's smile returns and she turns her attention back towards the blocks.

Raven raises her brows in amusement and laughs.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to place the order and go make us some drinks."

I turn my attention towards the two girls before me and start building with them. We take turns and place the blocks on top of one another to see how high we can stack the blocks before they tumble. Each time they come to a crash, Samira yells out boom and the room breaks out in laughter. It was bittersweet playing with the girls. They also seemed like another reminder of what Zayn and I could've had had things been different.

But I didn't let that feeling stop me from loving them. It was so nice to sit beside them and just play and explore. The world was this big, beautiful place for them. Every new color, sound, and texture was fascinating and I loved seeing the world through their eyes.

Raven returned about twenty minutes later, two glasses of moscato in hand with an eager smile.

"Can mummy play with Ryder spider or are you girls still holding her captive?"

Yasmeen looks up and grins.

"Play with us mummy," she coos.

Raven simply smiles and hands me my glass. She sits down beside me and folds her legs.

"I figured they'd say that. I'll turn on Coco, the girls are strangely obsessed with that movie," Raven notes and grabs the remote.

The girls' heads snap up as the sound of the movie starts and they're instantly mesmerized. I took a sip of my wine and shook my head.

"I'll try my best not to get distracted. I love Coco as well, such a good soundtrack," I muse with a grin.

"Yeah, we can watch Coco another time. Right now, I wanna catch up. Please tell me, how have things been?"

I glance at the television as I think of my answer. Apparently I pause a moment too long as she starts waving her hand in front of my face.

"Wow, you weren't kidding about this movie, huh?"

I break my stare and turn to her with a small smile.

"I wasn't watching it, just thinking of where to start. I had a job interview yesterday with Cooper Fitz for a position at Stratix, so I'm hoping that pans out. My mom has started her job at the floral shop, she loves it and it keeps her busy so that's great. Aside from that, not much else."

"What position at Stratix? Isn't that a data company?" Raven inquires.

"Yeah, just in the HR department. Obviously not a position that involves my degree but it'll pay the bills and the hours are decent so I'm hoping it works out."

"Yeah, hopefully. I heard Dad offered you a position at the office. I thought it was a great idea until he mentioned it was a personal assistant for Zayn. That would've been..."

"A terrible idea?" I offer.

She smiles.

"I was going to say 'interesting', but we can go with your suggestion. Look I get that he probably meant well, but it was just a shit idea. He's been having a lot of those lately," Raven sighs and takes another sip of her wine.

"Shit ideas?"

She nods.

"Yeah. His suggestions and action plans have been a bit off for sometime now. It's why the board has been putting more and more pressure on Zayn. They expect him to pick up the slack. Which he's been doing an amazing job at but I'm afraid it's going to burn him out before he even gets to take over for dad."

I exhale and purse my lips.

"It sucks, but I wouldn't be surprised. It was a lot on him back then and he didn't have nearly as much responsibility. I can't imagine now," I wince.

Though he's been extremely pleasant every time I've seen him, I can tell he's been a bit drained. Picking up his fathers slack while lacking his own PA must be exhausting. I feel bad for him.

"Yeah, it's rough. Speaking of, how was it seeing Zayn again? It's been a little while since you guys last spoke," Raven asks.

"It was okay, it was nice to see him again," I reply honestly.

Nice felt like understatement though.

Raven eyes watch me curiously as she waits for me to continue.

"It felt good actually, to see him after all of this time. I was dreading it, feeling sick to my stomach days prior but then I did and it just felt... right. I don't know, like so much has changed over the years but that hasn't, ya know?"

I feel my cheeks flush and I press my lips together to suppress a smile.

"What hasn't changed?" Raven inquires with curiosity.

I take a moment to contemplate my next words before answering.

"I'm not sure how to word it, but he just feels... like a comfortable place to land. Like he asked me one simple question and I couldn't stop myself from oversharing. I know that might be normal for some people but it's not for me. I assumed since it's been years since we last saw each other, that comfort would've dissipated."

Raven cocks her head to the side as she listens to me.

"And it didn't," Raven affirms.

I shake my head.

"It did not. It's weird."

She smiles knowingly and nods.

"He's still the same old Zayn, just a little older and a little more organized. What exactly did you guys talk about?"

I shrug.

"Not much. Just me moving back and moving in with my mom. He actually helped me get the interview with Stratix so that was nice. But I don't know, seeing him with Claire, knowing they're together,  kind of struck a weird chord in me and I-"

Raven's eyes widen and she leans in.

"What do you mean seeing him with Claire? Together as in?"

Clearly, I wasn't the only one who didn't know and that makes me feel a bit better.

"Together as in screwing each other," I reply bluntly.

Raven's brows shot up as her eyes widened in horror.

"What the fuck?"

"I know," I agree.

She pauses for a moment as her eyes lock in on mine. She leans forward and places her hands on the countertop.

"What. The. Fuck," she repeats, her face scrunched up.

"Are you sure?" She asks.

I nod again.

"Yeah, I mean she was all over him at Lai's engagement party and I'm pretty sure they left together. When I confronted Lai, she confirmed it. It's been a weird pill for me to swallow," I sigh.

Raven straightens up and crosses her arms over her chest.

"Yeah, I totally get it. I would be kind of pissed off. I mean she's had heart eyes for him since the day they met when we were kids but he never seemed to reciprocate those feelings. What changed and how did I not know about this?"

I shrug again.

"I don't know, I wasn't really given a heads up and it's not like it's been going on for a long time so... at least that's what Laila said."

A part of me was looking forward to venting about this with Raven but the more I think about it, the more frustrated I feel.

"What the... I go away to Italy for a couple of months and miss everything. Who all knows?"

"I'm pretty sure everyone does," I shrug.

Raven snickers and shakes her head.

"Let me check with Teddy about this."

Raven turns away from me and calls out for her husband, Ted.

"What would Teddy possibly know?"

She turns back to me and gives me a knowing look.

"They play Playstation together like every other night. Zayn comes over every so often to play some card games with him and a few guys. If anyone knows the unfiltered truth, it's Ted," Raven explains.

"Teddy," she yells louder.

A moment later, I hear a door open and close and feet shuffling down the hall. He appears around the corner, wet black strands of hair hanging in his face with a towel wrapped around his shoulders. His eyes meet mine and he grins with open arms.

"Oh Ryder, I didn't know you were here. I thought you said she was stopping by tomorrow?" Teddy greeted me as he gave me a brief hug and turned to Raven.

"No, I told you she was stopping by tonight. Tomorrow, we have dinner with my parents. It's on the calendar in bright pink, how could you have missed it?," Raven replies and points to a whiteboard calendar near the fridge.

His eyes survey it briefly before he nods and gives Raven a sheepish smile.

"Right, I must have my days confused. Jetleg and all."

He grabbed water from the fridge and plopped down onto the barstool next to me.

"How's everything been? How's the new apartment?" Teddy asks casually.

I open my mouth to answer but Raven is quick to cut me off.

"No, no. Save the casualties for later, I have much bigger questions to ask," Raven ordered.

Teddy's eyes darted back and forth between Raven and I. His brows furrowed and he simply nodded.

"Okay, shoot," Teddy replied.

"Are Zayn and Claire sleeping together?"

Teddy's brows shoot up and he swallows quickly. His eyes bounce between us again and he chuckles awkwardly.

That in itself is an answer.

"Why do you ask?"

Raven's eyes narrow and she scoffs.

"So you knew and you didn't say anything to me? Why am I the last to know?"

Teddy shrugs and shoots her an apologetic smile.

"I didn't think you wanted to know? I mean I didn't think you kept tabs on your brother's sex life," Teddy reasoned.

Raven grimaces and crosses her arms.

"Of course I don't want to keep tabs on his sex life. But when he starts seeing a lifelong friend and you're aware of it, a heads up would've been fine. I didn't ask for details."

Teddy shrugs again and shoots me a glance.

"Sorry Raven. You know I'm not good at this, unless it pertains to us or our little family, I don't often give these things a second thought. Going forward, I'll make sure to keep you updated on anything I hear."

Raven sighs and chews her lip. Her eyes find mine and I can see the fire in them but behind that is pity. The last thing I really wanted from anyone at this point.

She turns her gaze back on Teddy and starts firing off questions.

"When did it start?"

"Like a month ago, maybe six weeks."

"Do they see one another a lot?"

Teddy shakes his head.

"Like once a week, maybe twice if he's feeling stressed."

"Is it serious?"

"No, just sex. No feelings involved. They both agreed on that."

Raven rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

"Yeah I doubt that. Claire...nevermind. How did it start?"

"Just a drunken fling. A late night bar crawl turned...yeah."

I feel the tightness in my ribcage as unwanted visuals play in my mind. My skin prickles and my heart speeds up. It leaves me feeling uneasy and I know I need to retreat from this conversation. I know the feeling of an anxiety attack all too well and need to excuse myself before I have one at the kitchen counter. Raven has talked me through plenty but Teddy has yet to witness one and I wanted to keep it that way.

I clear my throat and get up from the barstool.

"I'm going to use the restroom, I'll be right back," I say coolly.

Raven's eyes find mine and soften as I am sure she can see right through me.

I turn on my heels and walk down the hall to the bathroom. I close the door and lock it behind me. I run over to the sink and turn the faucet on. I grip the counter and hold myself steady as my heart pounds loudly in my ears. I inhale and exhale intentionally and count backwards from ten.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

After a couple minutes of intentional breathing, my heart starts to settle. I straighten up and wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. I take a couple of deep breaths and smooth my hair as my eyes catch my reflection. My cheeks are flushed and splotchy and my baby hairs are damp and clinging to my forehead.

Though I'm relieved the attack was short lived and not nearly as bad as it could've been, I'm still ashamed of myself for having one in the first place.

I need to get a hold of myself and get used to the idea of Zayn and Claire.

Whether it's casual sex or a full blown love affair. I can't have an anxiety attack every time I see them together or they're mentioned.

I splashed my face with some cold water and dried it with a hand towel. I took another deep breath before returning to the kitchen. Ted and Raven were deep in a conversation, speaking in hushed tones. Raven's eyes were narrowed as she grimaced. Ted looked a bit ashamed, as if he was the one responsible for it all and I felt bad.

I cleared my throat to alert them to my presence and offered them a small smile.

Raven's deep eyes soften and she gives me her full attention.

"You alright?"

"Perfect, is the food almost here? I'm starving," I respond and casually change the topic.

Raven opens her mouth to reply when the buzzer goes off.

Her brows rise and she nods.

"Looks like it just arrived, Ted go get the girls situated at their table and I'll go fetch the food. Ryder, please sit and make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back."

We gathered around the table to eat and even though I was initially starving when I got here, my appetite had faded. But to avoid any concern, I make the best effort to eat my tacos. The conversation is more casual as I listen to them fill me in on their latest trip to Italy. It's a much needed distraction from our previous conversation.

After dinner, we watch a movie with the girls on the couch as Ted retreats to his game room. We chat a little more but the night ends before we know it and I'm back in my apartment, doomscrolling in my bed.

I fight off the urge to scroll through Zayn's socials but I don't last long. I'm carefully scrolling through his Instagram feed though there isn't much to see from the last time I had over a year ago. Most pictures weren't even of him, shots of the sunset on the beach, landscapes of the city from his office view, and some elegant food shots. There's a few of him and his dog, Storm, that make my heart melt. And a few from family gatherings. I'm about to click off of his profile when I see a shirtless selfie at what looks like a gym.  He's wearing black sweats that fit him perfectly and hang dangerously low on his hips. His hair is short in this shot, just a buzz cut that looks slightly grown out. His gaze is smouldering and his tattooed chest is glistening with sweat.

Talk about a thirst trap. It's such an odd photo as it doesn't truly go with his feed. Of course this post has the most likes, with comments from a handful of women but the one that catches my eyes is Claire.

CWells223:training without me...how rude

Zayn liked the comment but never replied. I hesitantly click onto Claire's profile expecting it to be private but it's not. She's got a pretentious bio that reads classic beauty in a modern world 💋. Her feed is very curated with an old money aesthetic. All of her pictures are very calculated, down to the outfits and captions.  Every single post looks like it came from an issue of vogue or architecture digest. It's everything I would expect her Instagram to be and yet it still feels off to me. So disingenuous. I scroll carefully, making sure not to like or view any stories.

It only takes me a couple of scrolls to find a photo dump with Zayn in it. It's at the country club his family frequents that he used to take me to. Laila, Valentina, Zayn, and Claire are gathered around a table with a glass of wine in hand and a beautiful sunset in the background. The caption simply read cheers 🥂. Zayn looked classically handsome, as always, with his hair pushed back and a nice button down with the top few buttons undone. On one side of him sat Laila, in a silk blouse with her sleek bob and toothy grin. On the other sat Claire, her ice blonde hair in a neat pony and her high cheekbones a soft pink. She leaned into him, her manicured nails clutching to his arm as they all smiled for the camera.

One could assume this was a double date with the way they were all sitting. The vibe was obvious but I'm sure I'm misreading it. I have to be.

I'm certain Laila would have told me if something more was going on between them. I quickly scroll through the rest of her posts, just attempting to see if I can catch any more glimpses of Zayn.

I found several.

Most of the photos are group shots, vacations and gatherings they've had over the last year. But some of them are just solo shots of Zayn and Claire. Some are innocent and others look a bit posed, as if the intent was to portray a romantic coupling. It was weird and I could feel myself about to spiral. Some of the dates on the photos cut it so close to when Zayn and I broke up. It leaves an uncomfortable feeling in my gut.

I quickly close out of Instagram and toss my phone on the bed. I shift in my bed and pull the covers over my head to block out the sliver of light shining through my curtains. I'm exhausted. I have so much to get sorted out before my first day on the job and I'm wasting time stalking my ex on social media.

I've seriously got to get my shit together.

* Thanks for all the comments, votes and support! Y'all crack me up. Enjoy! Xx*