Chapter Twenty-Seven

I wake up in the infirmary, head pounding and eyes heavy. Damn... I haven't been this tired in a long time. I sit up slowly, trying to shake the sleep away and rubbing my eyes with my hands.

"Hey, you're up" Kirishima smiles, sitting up in his own bed. I blink at him, memory fuzzy. We were up against Shiori and Shinsou...

"What happened? Who won?" I demand suddenly, remembering Shinsou's arm in my fist and the look on his face. Did we... win? Kirishima's smile turns guilty and my stomach sinks like a rock.

"You earned more points trying to protect me, but... we both fell out. Taking Shinsou down with you might've done it, but Shiori was still standing in the end... we lost..." he replies and I feel cold all over. After everything... after all of that training... we lost. I failed Kirishima and myself. Tears prick in my eyes but I look away, a sort of numbness washing over me. I shouldn't be surprised at this point.

"It's okay, Kirishima" I tell him, forcing a smile.

"We did our best" I add, but I feel hollow inside, the burn of failure making my entire body feel even weaker than before. I get out of the infirmary bed, ignoring the look Kirishima gives me. Both of us know he can't say anything to make me feel better and I'm not keen on sitting here in silence, so I leave the infirmary, paying little attention to the soreness that protests. Outside in the hall, I can hear people cheering and screaming their congratulations. The winning team must be nearby... but I don't have the energy to face them. I try to force it out, but my brain is bombarded by a voice on loop; you failed, you failed, failure, failure, FAILURE. I grit my teeth and walk in the opposite direction.

We did our best. Yeah... and it wasn't good enough. Just like every other best, just like every other time in my life, it was never enough. It wasn't enough to protect my mom. It wasn't enough to keep Shiori by my side. It wasn't enough for those masked villains, or Kirishima today, or for me right now, nothing is ever enough. I grab my head, the panic starting to overwhelm me. I can feel it, my lungs aching as I begin to hyperventilate. My heart races and my head throbs. No, not here... please... I grab the cement wall of the hallway on the way out, trying to stabilize myself, but I can't get the intrusive thoughts out of my head.

Where's my brave girl? My eyes widen. Images of my mother flash through my head, her smile, her kindness, her stubborn will, and then her death. The gruesome look of the house when we got back inside. The blood. My chest burns and I start to lose myself in the anxiety, the suppressed emotions bubbling over so quickly that my body shakes. No one sees me... no one can help me here... I start gasping, legs buckling beneath me and forcing me into a crouch. FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE... Mom, I'm sorry, I... the world starts to go dark and I can feel the energy inside me whipping around in unrest. God please, not here! Stop, stop, stop... I'm drowning.

"Kaida" a sudden hand on my arm makes everything freeze and I gasp, eyes finally focusing on Bakugo's face as he stares at me, a look of recognition in his eyes.

"Bakugo..." I whisper. He looks like hell, hair mussed and face stained with dirt and blood. He won his match before I even got onto the field, but I only notice those things for a moment, my brain cataloging the information for later. Right now, all I can focus on is him. He's here, right here with me in the center of the storm. He can see me.

I throw myself at him in the middle of the hall, not caring about where we are or what it might look like, not caring about how he might feel or even how I feel. My heart is screaming, no, begging him; see me, please, see me. Keep seeing me. When the darkness is about to overtake me... find me. Save me over and over again. Please... be there. Be there because no one else is ever there and I can't bear it if you can't see me too. He stumbles back, landing on his backside and stopping himself from falling completely by grabbing the wall with his left arm.

"Hey! You can't just-" he starts to complain, but he loses his voice when my arms wrap around him and I bury my face against his neck, each of his legs on either side of me. He can probably sense how much I need the comfort of his closeness now because, for a few moments, he just lets me sit like this. He doesn't hug me back, but he doesn't say anything as my breathing slows and my heart calms and when everything finally starts to fall still, I have the decency to be embarrassed.

"I..." I pull away from him suddenly, sitting back on my feet as my face burns red. His face flushes too, an expression on it somewhere between frustrated and surprised. What have I done?

"Kaida?" I turn around suddenly to see Shiori, a flushed look on her own face, noticeable even under her sudden worry.

"Are you...?"

"We're fine!" I interject, standing up immediately and leaving Bakugo on the floor, probably as confused as I feel. I take a deep breath and let it out.

"What were you two...?"

"Nothing. Come on, you just won! We should celebrate!" I insist, shoving all of those pesky feelings right back down where they belong. Shiori blinks at me, a little surprised, but as if things had never changed, I link my arm with hers and steal her away from the crowd, relishing only a bit in the half startled and half amused look on Shinsou's face. That's right, dick. MY sister.

____________

Shiori and I sit outside of the little ice cream shop a bit awkwardly, the two of us toying with our servings more so than eating them. We stayed at the festival for the award ceremony of course, unsurprised to see Deku at the top, followed by Shoto and Bakugo. The three of them were probably a shoe in from the get, but that didn't stop the rest of us from trying.

It was easy for us to sit together to spectate, after all, neither of us really had to say much, but now, there's nothing to fill the silence but us. I swallow, laughing nervously.

"Maybe ice cream was a bad idea" I say. Shiori laughs, making a face.

"Think so?" she asks, lighthearted and sarcastic. I nod, raising my eyebrows.

"Celebratory sugar for the sugar deprived champion" I reply, waving my spoon. She snorts, rolling her eyes. I clear my throat.

"In all seriousness though... you were amazing out there... mom would've been really proud" I tell her. Her face flushes, eyes lingering on my face for a few moments as she tries to find the words to say. I let out a breath, smiling in embarrassment.

"You really kicked Kirishima's ass" I joke, laughing. Shiori laughs too.

"I'm surprised he agreed to be your partner. I would've pegged him as a Bakugo groupie" she admits and I scoff, leaning back in my chair.

"First come, first serve. He was a little pissed about it, but it worked out fine didn't it? That jerk actually won" I grumble, earning an arched eyebrow.

"Speaking of that jerk... what's going on there?" she wonders curiously. My face turns beet red in an instant and I immediately shove a spoonful of ice cream into my mouth and shrug.

"Ion noh wha yur talin bou" I mumble, mouth full. Shiori makes a face equal parts disbelief and disgust.

"I think you do know what I'm talking about, you're just being cagey and stubborn" she retorts. I gape, instantly defensive.

"Okay, miss invasive. What about you and Barney, huh? What's going on there?" I demand, a challenge in my tone. Her face reddens and she looks down at her ice cream, suddenly silent.

"Wow, Deku was so good today, don't you think?" she mumbles quickly. I roll my eyes.

"So you guys have a thing, whatever" I shrug. She glares.

"We do not" she insists. I level my gaze at her, suddenly serious. I've never seen Shiori care about anything in the same way. Not enough to run from it so hard... and I recognize it because I'm too similar to her not to.

"Shiori. We may have been separated for a while, but you like this dude. Don't lie to me and don't lie to yourself" I say pretty bluntly. She freezes, eyes wide like she's only just now realizing it. I laugh.

"It's not funny! Don't laugh" she pouts, but I can't stop smiling. It's nice to see her happy... even if it has nothing to do with me.

"I'm sorry... I'm just glad. That you have someone around..." I trail off, a familiar pang making my chest ache. God, I miss her. But I can't let those things out. I can't burden her with how miserable I've been without her. Can't admit that it's felt like a piece of me has been missing this entire time or that spending this time with her now, no matter how awkward, is something I've needed for so long...

"What do you mean?" she asks, concern coloring her tone. I smile, shrugging it off and returning to my carefree self. She doesn't need to take care of me anymore.

"Nothing. I'm just really happy for you" I insist, earning a frown.

"Kaida... you seem..." she stops, a strange look on her face. I shake my head.

"What?" I wonder and she sighs.

"I don't know... different? I can't put my finger on it. I feel like you're fine and then... I feel like something's wrong, but..." she pauses, a crushing look in her eyes.

"It's like I can't read you anymore. I don't know what you're thinking" she admits, a sadness in her eyes that matches my own for once. My heart aches again.

"I know what you mean" I murmur, my own sadness on display. Somehow things between us feel both back to normal and completely different. But unlike Shiori, I feel like I can read her just as well as I ever could. Shiori doesn't have anything to hide though, not anymore, not since laying it all out in the open the way she did. Now, she sits here like an open book, emotions so on display that it's impossible not to know. I don't think I could ever be like that again.

"I... I'm sorry" she says suddenly. My eyes widen, heart stuttering.

"For what?" I breathe, genuinely shocked. Shiori looks away from me, the two of us long since abandoning our ice cream.

"When we fought... I said some things..." she closes her eyes against the memory, shaking her head, but I sigh, letting out a pained laugh.

"Stop. Don't apologize" I interrupt. Shiori looks up at me with surprise, both eyebrows raised.

"You weren't wrong... everything you said..." I begin, gazing away from her.

"You weren't wrong. I was weak... and I am a monster... I can't do anything to save anyone... I couldn't save mom, or you..." I smile bitterly, feeling at least a little comfort in the fact that I know I won't have another panic attack today.

"Kaida..." Shiori murmurs, but I need her to know. I don't want her apology... I just want her to be okay.

"It's okay, Shiori. You were speaking your truth. You were angry with me and you kept it all in for so long... I'm not angry with you. I'm sorry you see me that way... and I'm working really hard to be better than that..." I reply, hoping that she knows how much effort I've been putting in. How I haven't stopped training or working for a second. I hope she knows... that she helped me to push myself to be better. I look up at her, expecting some kind of expression, but I don't expect the look of pain on her face.

"Kaida... I never..." she hesitates, eyes really examining me now. I raise an eyebrow, wondering why she seems so concerned.

"Have you been sleeping at all?" she demands, eyes so sad that it honestly confuses me. I shake my head.

"Some... why?" I demand and she closes her eyes in frustration, a sudden air of anger and upset about her.

"Why are you pushing yourself so hard?" she demands, genuinely worried. I raise both my eyebrows, staring at her dumbfounded.

"Should I try less? I told you, Shiori. I'm here to be the best. And after we argued... I realized a lot about myself. I'm never gonna let anyone else suffer for me again. The only way to do that is through hard work" I tell her, a little surprised by my words. Why do I sound... so robotic? Shiori shakes her head at me.

"Kaida..." she begins again, but I'm suddenly uncomfortable, desperately needing my space.

"We should really go back. It's getting late" I tell her and she stops dead, just staring at me. For a moment, I think I'll have to leave alone, but she gets up wordlessly and follows me back towards home.

"Okay" she says and I force myself to smile, knowing it's the only way I'll get through it all.

"Now tell me about your boyfriend and all the reasons I shouldn't kill him" I chime, grinning. Shiori gapes.

"Kaida! You're worse than dad" she admonishes, completely embarrassed. I laugh, linking my arm with hers again as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

"I'm not worse. Worse would be failing to protect you appropriately. So? Why is he so great, huh? What's got you so red faced and jittery?" I demand. She elbows me, eliciting a curse.

"Ow" I laugh and she fumes, face a heavy scarlet as we walk.

"It's nothing! He's just... nice" she manages, voice tight. I raise an eyebrow doubtfully.

"Are you okay? You look like you're having a stroke" I tell her. She glares at me.

"I do not!" she insists and I laugh loudly, amused by her obvious denial.

"Oh my god, you adore him!" I cackle, chest aching for an entirely new reason. Shiori glowers some more, refusing to look at me now.

"You're literally the worst!" she complains angrily, but I can't help it. I smirk at her.

"So have you, you know?" I ask suggestively, wagging my eyebrows. She gapes at me.

"Kaida!" she exclaims and when I laugh, she storms off, ripping her arm away from me.

"That's it. I'm going home. Walk by yourself" she snaps, furious. I laugh harder.

"Shiori, no! Wait!" I gasp between chortles, lungs screaming.

"Nope! Hate your guts now!" she shouts back, trying to walk faster. I chase after her, amused beyond belief.

"Come on! It's totally fine that you're in love" I tease. She glares at me so hard I think her eyes might pop out.

"You're literally the worst sister on the planet" she tells me and I shrug, sighing dramatically.

"Well someone's gotta be. If I'm not the best at everything, then I'm really not the best, am I?" I counter and she rolls her eyes.

"Go play in traffic" she mutters and I grin, feeling almost back to normal.

"For you, anything" I reply. Shiori rolls her eyes again, but the look on her face this time is more at peace than I've ever seen it. For a moment, I envy her, wishing I could find the same level of confidence or contentedness... whatever it is... I wish I had it. Wish I had certainty. But thinking back on today's games and my loss, and Bakugo in the hall and the way I so desperately need him around... thinking about how I can never tell him that... it makes my stomach hurt with anxiety all over again and I'm left wondering; how can everything be falling together and falling apart at the same time? And why does it always seem like it only happens to me?