twenty-three

As days went by, levi annoyangly stuck to his word. your relationship going back to strictly captain and cadet. it was killing you.

why did it have to be like this? most days, during training with the squad, levi didn't even look in your direction.

it stung a little, but honestly, not having to face him stopped you from tearing up.. it was only when private training came after that the tension was thick throughout the air.. no matter the weather.. it felt like you were in a fog of air that was making it hard to breathe.

his piercing grey, cloudy eyes staring into yours with no emotion..

Sure, they were normally piercing and deadly.. but they seemed to bore into your very soul, but today, they were like two grey stones, devoid of emotion.

His voice was detached, his words clipped, as he instructed you on the finer points of combat. The silence between you was oppressive, like a physical presence that pressed down on your shoulders.

You could feel the weight of his gaze, but it was like looking into a void, with no spark of recognition or emotion to guide you. It was as if he had erected a wall between you, a wall that seemed impenetrable.

Had it really been just sex to him? you thought over and over. it wasn't the only thought running through your mind.

it worked like clogs of a machine in overtime, switching over and over into irritating mindsets of self-worth and anger. this wasn't like you. over a man? no way.. so why. why had levi gotten you like this? in bed, tears brimming your eyes.

The tears fell silently, a steady stream that seemed to match the rhythm of your thoughts.

You felt like you were losing yourself, like you were drowning in a sea of emotions that you couldn't control.

The image of Levi's face, his piercing grey eyes, his chiselled jawline, kept flashing in your mind, taunting you. You felt like you were a fool, a weak and pathetic fool, for letting him get to you like this.

You thought you were stronger, that you could handle your emotions, but now you weren't so sure. The anger and frustration simmered just below the surface, waiting to boil over.

Why did he have to be so cold, so detached? Why did he have to make you feel like you were nothing to him?

A groan left your lips, your hands clasping the front locks of your hair as you rolled from your stomach to your back on the bed and sat up.

you couldn't let levi get to you this much.. you were a scout.. not a little girl who cries over a crush. you slid your hands through your hair and let out a small sigh, your eyes blicking away the last of your tears

You stood up, determination etched on your face. You couldn't let Levi's cold demeanour break you. You were a Scout, and Scouts didn't break. You took a deep breath, smoothed out your hair, and began to pace around the room, trying to shake off the lingering emotions.

you would be lying if you said it had worked.

god, you will never understand the saying that strength comes from pure determination and will. it really doesn't.

Because here you were now, in your usual predicament that had been ongoing for the last weak.

Private training with a man who seemed to be urging you to mess up.. as if he wanted to yell at you. probably. who knows, you dont know anything at this point.

Levi's eyes flashed with a hint of irritation, and he took a step closer, his voice low and even.

"What's wrong with you? You're not even trying."

His words cut through the air, making you feel like you were under a microscope, with him waiting to dissect your every mistake.

A small huff left your lips at his words. the cycle was not one you were enjoying. "i am trying." you gritted out as your hands gripped the blade handles a little tighter.

you had been practicing using your odm gear as well as holding the blades, it was a simple training session, yet the eyes of Levi on you was making every thing seem a lot harder that it really was.

Levi's expression didn't change, but his eyes seemed to narrow slightly, his gaze lingering on your hands before moving back to your face.

"Trying isn't good enough," he said, his voice dripping with disapproval. "You need to do better than just try. You need to succeed." He took another step closer, his eyes boring into yours, making you feel like he was trying to see right through you.

your eyes narrowed on the wet dirt beneath you as your knuckles went white from the harsh grip you gave the blades.

Your angry demeanor a shitty display of a cover up for the fact you so wanted to cry. "maybe. if you actually told me what to do instead of- of just standing there criticising me i would be doing better." you snapped, your voice quiet but harsh.

Levi's expression didn't change, but a faint line appeared between his eyebrows, a tiny crack in his mask of calm.

For a moment, he seemed to consider your words, then his gaze dropped to the blades in your hands. "You're holding them too tightly," he said, his voice still even, but with a hint of something else, something that might have been annoyance or frustration. "You need to relax your grip, let the blades move freely." He huffed out, crossing his arms over his chest, his eyes fixed on your hands, his voice taking on a slightly sharper tone. "And don't tell me what I should be doing. I'm your captain, not the other way around."

Your hands didnt loosen though, nor did your gaze soften on the ground. you were gonna cry. why the fuck did you feel so weak? This wasn't like you.

Levi's eyes flashed with a hint of disappointment, and he let out a low, disapproving sigh. "Fine," he said, his voice dripping with annoyance.

"If you're going to insist on holding the blades like a child, then maybe you're not ready for training." He turned to walk away, his back to you, and his words cut through the air like a knife. "Take a break. Go calm down. Maybe when you're feeling more rational, we can try again."

The implication was clear: you were too emotional, too weak, and he wasn't going to waste his time on you until you got your act together.

you stood there, hands cletching the blades by your sides as your body shook.

Droplets of rain slowly starting to build from the clouds as your head dipped lower, strands of hair falling infront of your face. your bottom lip clasped between your teeth so tight it would shed blood any minute. "w-why?" you choked out. "why?!" the gut wrenching scream of frustration left your lips before you had time to stop it.

the tears finally falling.. the rain now covering the tears rolling down your cheeks. your back turned to levi. did he stop? was he even still there..?

The sound of your scream seemed to hang in the air, and for a moment, there was complete silence. The only sound was the rain pattering against the ground, and the quiet, ragged gasps of your breathing.

Levi's footsteps, which had been walking away, stopped abruptly. He didn't turn around, but his body seemed to tense, as if he was listening to the sound of your tears.

The rain poured down around you, creating a misty veil that surrounded you, and for a moment, it seemed like the whole world had melted away, leaving only you and your pain. And then, in a low, rough voice, Levi spoke, his words barely audible over the sound of the rain. "Because you're not strong enough."

that was clear. you were crying over a man who clearly didnt have any kind intentions towards you.. why had you been so stupid to let your detestment.. turn to desire. he wasnt a man to be loved. "you- your cruel.." you choked out, a small laugh leaving your lips, but it was out of pure amusement at your own stupidity.

Levi's back remained turned, but his shoulders tensed at your words. "I'm not cruel, I'm just honest," he repeated, his voice firm.

"You'd do well to remember that, runt." The rain continued to pour down, and for a moment, the only sound was the patter of droplets on the ground. Then, Levi's footsteps resumed, walking away from you, leaving you alone in the downpour.

it hurt. everything hurt. even the rain pouring down hurt you as you ran your hand through your drenched hair, your small sniffles being drowned out by the noise of the pittering of the rain.

He was right.. you weren't strong. erwin was wrong. you were wrong.. this didn't turn out anything like what you had hoped, how it was meant to.

The sound of Levi's footsteps faded into the distance. The droplets continued to fall, drumming against the ground, and for a moment, it seemed like the whole world was crying with you.

The pain and the hurt and the disappointment all swirled together, creating a toxic mix that threatened to consume you.

You stood there, frozen, as the rain poured down, washing away your hopes and your dreams, leaving you with nothing but the cold, hard truth: you weren't strong enough.

your feet carried you without a thought, water dripping from your hair and drenched clothes though the hallways. your feet slowly coming to a holt infront of erwins office door, that looked a lot bigger than usual.. were you always this small and vulnerable? had you been kidding yourself the whole time?.. a small shakey breath left your lips as you raised your hand and knocked.

The sound of your knock echoed through the hallway, and for a moment, there was silence.

Then, Erwin's voice called out from the other side of the door, "Enter." The door creaked open, and Erwin's eyes met yours, his expression softening slightly as he took in your bedraggled appearance.

He nodded, gesturing for you to come in, and you stepped inside, the door closing behind you with a soft click. The warmth of the office enveloped you, a stark contrast to the cold, wet world outside. Erwin's eyes never left yours, his gaze searching, as he asked, "What happened?"

you didnt respond. your thoughts were to clouded, too many to even know what to tell him right now. you had slept with the captain, got attached.. and now was paying the price.

Your gaze stayed on the floor, standing a few feet away from erwins desk he sat behind, watching the water drop from the tips of your hair that hung infront of your face. "..id like to resign from the scouts"

Erwin's expression didn't change, but his eyes seemed to bore into you, as if trying to see beyond the surface. He leaned back in his chair, his hands steepled together in front of him.

"Is that what you really want?" he asked, his voice gentle, but with a hint of curiosity. The silence that followed was oppressive, as if the weight of your decision hung in the air. Erwin's eyes never left yours, even though your gaze was fixed on the floor. "Or is it just what you think you deserve?"

honestly.. you didnt know the answer. you were running away with your tail between your legs. something you didnt do often.. it was honestly a good thing, you thought, although it was a clear sign of feeding your delusions to try gaslighting yourself.

Levi had woken you up from your moment of insanity, thinking that you were strong, capable of being a scout. ".. its not what i deserve. its what needs to be done"

Erwin's expression remained neutral, but a small, almost imperceptible nod indicated that he understood your words.

He leaned forward, his hands unfolding as he placed his elbows on the desk. "I see," he said, his voice measured. "And what makes you think that you're not capable of being a Scout?" The question was asked with a gentle tone, but it was clear that Erwin was probing, trying to get to the root of your doubts.

He leaned back in his chair, his eyes never leaving yours, as if waiting for you to reveal the truth.

Erwin was annoyangly perceptive. as well as smart. you had to give him a good enough reason for him to actually let you quit. "..isn't it obvious? you said so yourself.. my brains isnt going to keep me alive against titans"

Erwin's eyes narrowed slightly, his expression thoughtful. "I think you're using that as an excuse, runt. There's something else going on here. Something that's making you want to give up." He leaned back in his chair, his eyes never leaving yours. "Something to do with Captain Levi, perhaps?"

your eyes narrowed on the ground. you were pissed at levi but you weren't a snitch.. "it has nothing to do with him" you muttered out, shifting in your spot, your brows furrowed so tensely they twitched.

Erwin's eyes seemed to bore into you, as if trying to see through your words. He raised an eyebrow, his expression skeptical. "I'm not sure I believe you, runt," he said, his voice firm but gentle.

"But I'll let it go for now. However, I want to make one thing clear: if you're quitting the Scouts, it's not because you're not capable. It's because you're giving up on yourself." He paused, his eyes never leaving yours. "And I think that's a shame."

your jaw clenched, a mix of frustration and guilt simmering inside. You looked away, unable to meet Erwin's piercing gaze. "Just accept my resignation," you muttered, your voice barely above a whisper.

you needed him to accept it.. you couldnt face levi anymore, not when it was a reminder about how weak you actually were.. that you had been fed words of encouragement that led to the pain you were in now.. you were weak. you werent cut out to be a scout.

Erwin's expression softened, and he nodded slowly. "Very well, Your resignation is accepted." He paused, his eyes filled with a deep understanding. "But know this: your decision doesn't define your worth. You are more than your role as a Scout."

"If you ever need to talk, my door is always open." He said, his voice softer than usual but his gaze stayed hardened, his eyes never leaving yours, he slid a piece of paper over to the side of the desk you were near, his finger tapping it slightly afterwards. "This is your formal release from the Scouts. Take care of yourself, runt"

Your legs wobbled as you took a step forward, sliding the paper off the desk and into your grasp.

and with that, you headed to the rooms to get your belongings.. this was it. you were leaving the scouts. your friends.. it felt shit. you knew this was probably a bad decision.. but it was too hard. dealing with levi, with yourself.

As you walked to the rooms, the weight of your decision settled in. You felt a lump form in your throat as you thought about leaving behind the people you had grown to care about.

The thought of not seeing them every day, not training with them, not sharing meals with them, was almost too much to bear. You quickened your pace, trying to outrun the emotions that threatened to overwhelm you.

You reached your room, and began to pack your belongings, trying to focus on the task at hand. But your mind kept wandering back to Levi, to the pain he had caused you, and to the doubts that had been plaguing you. You felt like you were running away with your tail between your legs, and it was a hard pill to swallow.

Erwins eyes closed as he leaned back in his chair, a small sigh leaving his lips. "what did you do?" Erwin spoke, his voice laced with a warning tone to levi who had been in the connecting toom to erwins office..

Levi's expression was neutral, his eyes fixed on some point in front of him. He didn't flinch or react to Erwin's tone, his voice even and detached. "I didn't do anything. I simply told her the truth. She wasn't cut out for this line of work." He paused, his gaze never wavering. "She's better off leaving."

erwins gaze bore into levi before he stood, his fingers grazing his desk as he let out a soft hum. he seemed calm. but he wasnt, in fact, erwin was pissed. "Levi, do you take me for a fool?"

Levi's expression didn't change, but his eyes narrowed slightly, a hint of wariness creeping into his demeanor.

He stood up, his movements fluid and deliberate, his voice still even and detached. "I'm not sure what you're insinuating. I told the truth, and she couldn't handle it. That's not my problem."

He paused, his gaze locked on Erwin's. "Unless you're saying I should have lied to her? Sugarcoated the truth to spare her feelings?"

erwin chuckled, picking up a few sheets that were placed on his desk, his fingers slowly flipping through them. "and your feelings? have you spared them enough?"

Hisgaze flickered up to levi. he seen the glare. he knew levi knew what he was about to say, yet he continued, cutting the man off. "you planted frivolous lies into that girls head and tore down her self esteem all for your own benefit, levi." he spoke, pushing himself from the desk and went to levi, hamds behind his back as he stared down at the man "you will fix this."

Levi's eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched in anger. "I did what was necessary," he repeated, his voice low and even, but with a hint of underlying tension. He stood his ground, refusing to back down, his gaze locked on Erwin's. "I won't be ordered to coddle her."

Erwin's eyes narrowed. levi wasnt one for standing up against erwins orders.. he trusted Erwins decisions. so this was blatently clear why he was "wow.. so then its love?"

Levi's expression faltered for a moment, a faint flicker of surprise crossing his face before he regained control.

His eyes seemed to darken, his voice dropping to a low growl. "Don't be ridiculous, Commander. I don't do 'love'. I do what's necessary. And what's necessary is that she leaves the Scouts. She's a liability."

erwin nodded his head, letting out a small hum. but he wasnt agreeing with him. it was more.. acknowledgement that he now knew he was right. "A liability? to who? you? quit with the incessant lies your feeding to yourself levi."

erwin needed to solve this. you were important to the scouts, yet he also understood levis problem, the one he wasnt willing to admit. "its not a good choice to pick between the two of you. instead of forcing her out you should have learned to control yourself around her. this is your own doing levi, not hers"

Levi's face twisted in a mixture of anger and discomfort, his eyes flashing with a hint of defensiveness. He took a step back, his voice rising. "I don't need to control myself around anyone. I'm a soldier, not some lovesick fool. And I'm not the one who's weak here."

He paused, his chest heaving slightly. "You're the one who's always talking about the greater good, Erwin. But when it comes down to it, you're just as sentimental as the rest of them. You're letting your feelings cloud your judgment."

erwin stared down at levi. This was not what he was saying it was, erwin was purely thinking logically, so the fact Levi was telling such an obvious lie made it so much more clear he was being defensive..

"you think so?" he hummed out, his blue eyes staring down at Levi. "See.. how i see it, is you destroyed that girls confidence to keep her at a distance because you felt weak around her. You went against my judgement, my choice and fed her words that werent true.. all for your own safety. because she isnt just a cadet, is she?"

He stayed quiet, glaring up at erwin with a look so deadly he had to surpress a shiver. "Erwin, it cant-"

"Cant it? For a man as capable as yourself, you're acting quite weak."

"..." shit.

***It's a little shorter. Sorry, i was rushed for time.

- Teur <3