19: Katie

KATIES POVMarch 10th

One of my favorite things about about Bella Swan is that she knows how to not ask questions. Not that she doesn't want to hear your answers— she just doesn't pry. It was a quality that was both fairly unique and also very reliable on days where I feel angry or upset. Today was clearly one of those days.

After leaving Jacob's, my head was spinning, my heart was pounding, and I felt sick. Nauseous, really. "Please pull over, I feel like I'm going to throw up," I squeak, my voice sounding hoarse from emotion.

She obliges, swerving to the side of the road and turning on my hazard lights. As soon as she kills the engine, Bella rushes to get out of the car.  I'm not sure what her intention is— hold back my hair, maybe? I think she trips on the way over, but I can't tell with my eyes squeezed shut. With my elbows on my knees, I crouch over and finally open my eyes.

I wait for it to come, but somehow, I don't throw up. I end up just swallowing my tears and propping myself back up. "Sorry," I choke out. My wet hair is dripping down, creating a puddle at my feet.

"It's okay," Bella says softly, frowning. She hesitates, like she's worried about what she's going to say. "It's just... do we need to involve Charlie?" Bella blurts, reddening slightly. She clearly doesn't like this idea, either, but I would also be worried about me if I was in her situation.

"No," I respond firmly. "He'd make it a big thing." I don't want to tear Billy and Charlie any farther than they already have been due to how I've been reacting.

"Is it?" Bella asks carefully. "A big thing, I mean?"

I want to say no, to shrug it off. But I can't force myself to fake it. "Nothing Charlie needs to know about. I... saw something, Bells."

"You mean...?" She waits for me to fill in the blanks, although I know if I didn't answer she'd leave it alone.

"He grabbed my hand!" I feel sick again, so I tip my head forward over my knees. "I couldn't help it." I raise my hands to cover my eyes, forcing myself to stop imagining everything I had seen.

Out of my peripheral vision, I see Bella's eyes go wide. She knew about my abnormalities and my restrictions. Holding someone's hand was like looking into a deep part of their soul and seeing the truth. And what I had seen in Jake, the boy who used to be my best friend and favorite mechanic was... something else. Something I hadn't seen before. It felt like a nightmare. "I really screwed up," I whispered to her, running a hand through my hair. "I should have stayed away."

She shook her head firmly. "No. Don't blame yourself for whatever you saw. It was unintentional. Besides, he owes you an explanation."

"He didn't give me one. Well, I suppose he did. I don't know," I voiced miserably. "Nothing about this makes sense."

"Do you... need to talk it through?" Bella was still propping my car door open, leaning against it awkwardly.

I look around the road skeptically, even though it's practically deserted. I still haven't ruled out Laurent's presence in Forks. "Maybe at home. Drive fast?"

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I tried to explain everything as best I could to Bella. About Jacob being a wolf— one of the wolves we had seen in the clearing that day. That's why he's been blowing us off. Blowing me off. "It's crazy, I know. But he knew about the Cullens being vampires. He asked me about it."

Bella went pale. I knew mentioning the Cullens was a mistake, but I powered through regardless. "Are you sure, Katie?"

"Yes," I sigh in frustration, leaning my head back. "And it doesn't matter anyways. He clearly doesn't want to be friends anymore now that he's got his own wolf thing going." I can't explain why the sentence doesn't feel true to me. Not to Bella, at least. She wouldn't understand all the glimpses of Jacob and I. I don't understand them, either. "And he won't want to be friends with me if he realizes that I'm... who I am."

Bella nodded slowly. "Jacob told me a legend, once. About the tribe. And how they're descended from these shifters... some sort of wolves."

I perk up at that. "Do you remember any of it?"

She turns pink. "Not much. It helped me realize... he was a vampire." His name is unspoken.

I look away from her, up at the ceiling of my bedroom. "Why are our lives so complicated?" I ask pointlessly.

She laughs quietly. "I don't know. But... I'm glad to have you."

I smile at her. "Yeah. I'm glad to have you too, you danger magnet."

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It was past eleven and I couldn't fall asleep. Too much was still on my mind.

I wanted to talk to Jake so badly. I needed to. But the thought just made me queasy. How was I supposed to pretend like nothing had happened between us? Like I wasn't me. Like he wasn't a werewolf now. Like he hadn't abandoned me these last few weeks.

To take out my frustration, I picked up my guitar. I strummed it idly, trying to stay quiet enough not to wake Bella or Charlie.

I considered playing Green Day, but it made me think of Jacob. Most songs made me think of Jacob, actually. So I settled on my favorite song by the Beatles, which had an easy enough chord progression that I had it memorized.

YesterdayAll my troubles seemed so far awayNow it looks as though they're here to stayOh, I believe in yesterdaySuddenlyI'm not half the man I used to beThere's a shadow hanging over meOh, yesterday came suddenlyWhy she had to go? I don't know, she wouldn't sayI said something wrong, now I long for yesterday YesterdayLove was such an easy game to playNow I need a place to hide awayOh, I believe in yesterdayWhy she had to go? I don't know, she wouldn't sayI said something wrong, now I long for yesterdayYesterdayLove was such an easy game to playNow I need a place to hide awayOh, I believe in yesterday

I hummed the last part softly, feeling much better. My heart ached for my parents and my best friend, who was likely also lost forever.

I was so focused on my own self-pity that I almost didn't feel the warning. Suddenly, I realized that the feeling creeping in on me had been that of uneasiness. My brain was humming danger, danger, danger. My heart leapt into my throat. I could sense it now— there was somebody outside. Multiple somebodies. It hit me, then, that it was the vampires at last.

At least they would put an end to my misery.

I considered making a break for Bella's room. I set down the guitar quickly, shooting to my feet. But then I heard the knock on my window, like someone had thrown a pebble at it. Surely a vampire wouldn't warn me, right?

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I crept to the window. It was dark outside, but there was still enough light that I could see Jacob on the ground, poised to throw another rock. When he saw me, he stepped back and made a motion for me to open my window. So I did.

I frowned down at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you." He was pleading, much more nervous than he had seemed this afternoon. "Can I come up?"

I thought about it a moment. When I spotted the rest of the wolves hidden in the tree line, my frown deepened. "Only if you leave your gang outside." That seemed demanding enough, I thought.

He nodded, like he'd been expecting it. "Okay." For a second, he hesitated. Then, with a grand running leap, he launched himself into the tree adjacent to my window. With his height and strength, it took him no time to scale up high enough to slide into my room. He closed the window behind him, rubbing the back of his neck. "Hey."

"Hey." I said flatly, crossing my arms over my chest protectively. "Come to apologize for being an asshole?"

Jacob grimaced. "I... I don't know what to say to you, Katie. Where to start." He opened his arms wide, helpless and desperate. I suddenly became aware of his bare chest. "But... I brought your birthday present. Sorry it's late."

He extends his arm towards me, the small box resting on his palm. I take it from him silently and sit on my bed, raising an eyebrow at him.

He swallowed hard, shaking his head slightly. "You're right. I was an asshole to you," he allowed. "But it was for your own good. I..." Jake trailed off, "I wasn't allowed to tell you I was... that things have changed."

"Why? Did you finally decided that I'm worthy enough of an explanation?" My voice was sharp, but I tried to keep the volume low.

Jake shook his head, sitting on the bed beside me. I had noticed before how short his hair was now, but his muscles were so developed it was crazy. "I would have told you weeks ago if it was that easy."

"I just don't understand any of this, Jake." I was trying not to sound too upset, but failing. "You're being vague and it's annoying as hell."

He smiled a little at that. Suddenly, he sucked in a breath and let it out quickly. "That moment earlier today. Did you... see anything? Before you ran, I mean?"

I grimaced, looking away from Jacob. "It's not something I can describe," I said in lieu of explanation. Nervously, my fingers twitched over the present's bow.

He nodded. "It's hard for me to try and tell you this, even though you're my best friend." How was I supposed to respond to that? Luckily, he continued for me. "That night, at the movies? On your birthday? I didn't have mono. I... I had a bad fever. At first, I thought my temperature was running high because I was sick. That night..." he trailed off, and I could see the pain in his eyes. "I transitioned for the first time."

I wanted nothing more than to reach out my hand and grab his, but I was terrified of what I'd see in his head. So I waited. "It was scary as hell. And painful. But Sam and the rest of the pack were there for me. I've been trying my best to control it. But there isn't much I can do." He shrugged, but his shoulders drooped.

"Oh, Jake," I whispered, pressing my knuckle to his. This was the closest I could get without activating my... thing.

Jake tried to smile, but couldn't. "Sam's the leader. His word is law. We're under a... gag order, so to speak, that doesn't allow us to tell outsiders about our kind. Or the vampires." His eyes became soft and a bit teary. "I wanted to tell you. But I couldn't. I physically couldn't. And... I was worried that I'd hurt you, anyways. I'm not normal anymore, Katie. I thought you'd see the new me and..."

"Not want to hang around anymore?" I finished for him, my mouth curling down involuntary. "Jake..."

"But... you knew about the Cullens," he continued. "So I got this burst of hope that maybe you wouldn't care, because you already saw the impossible. It didn't even matter, because when I saw you I physically couldn't choke out the words."

"What changed between then and now?" I asked, finally meeting his eyes.

"Well..." he blew out a gust of air. "I imprinted on you."

I shook my head. "What does that mean?"

He smiled softly. "Imprinting is... well, you know soulmates, right? Sam imprinted on Emily, his fiancée. It's not like love at first sight, it's... like gravity moves. When I saw you for the first time after turning, it was like gravity wasn't holding me to the world anymore. You were, Katie. And now it all makes sense. Why we work so well together. I..." he ran his hand through his hair, and I knew something big was about to happen. "And... and we can continue being friends. I'm willing to be whatever you need me to be. A protector, a brother, a friend, or... or more. Now that I've imprinted on you, nothing else matters. That's why I can tell you about all of this. And I don't want it to scare you away. I want to keep my promise. I don't want to break your heart. And if me leaving now keeps that promise, I'd do it for you. But I don't want to leave. I want to be with you." He said it quickly, like he was afraid I'd run mid-sentence.

"I..." what was I supposed to say to that? If he knew all that I had been through, he would feel differently. I knew it, deep down. Even if he pretended otherwise. "It's not that simple, Jake. You don't know that much about me—"

"Yes, I do. Your favorite color is green. You love Green Day and music and driving around in your car with the windows down. You love running and reading and those stupid little bags of skittles that have, like, five candies in them. You love your guitar and singing and you wish you could play it more. You don't mind when I talk about car parts but you hate when I try and make you work on a car yourself. I know you, Katie. I've loved you since that first day in the garage, when it was just you and me and we fixed up your car together."

My eyes welled up with tears. "That's not what I mean." His confession rang in my ears over and over again "If you knew about what happened with my parents, why I moved to Forks... you wouldn't think of me the same way. You would hate me." I look down at the box in my lap, unable to meet his gaze.

"That's not true. Nothing you could say would make me hate you," he murmured. The words were so sincere that I charged head-first into my confession to prevent myself from chickening out.

"You know my parents were murdered, right? Well, it was all my fault." I took a deep breath, and stood up, leaving the box behind on my bed. I couldn't tell this story and look at Jacob at the same time. It flew out of my mouth quickly, each twisted detail (leaving out the part about my abilities), until I felt disgusted with myself.  I sighed, a tear slipping down my cheek. "I'm selfish and awful and not worth... loving."

Jake stood quickly. "No, Katie. You can't blame yourself for that. It wasn't your fault." Hearing that from Jacob made me feel a bit better, but I was still on the verge of a full meltdown.

I didn't notice him reach for my hand until it was too late. I felt his warm fingers around mine and pulled back quickly, trying to ignore the affection and... protection for me I could feel in Jake's thoughts. "Don't think of me that way."

Jake looked confused. "What?"

I cleared my throat awkwardly and changed the subject, noticing my mistake. "So, all those glimpses I saw of us were because you imprinted on me?"

Jacob nodded. "I still don't know how you saw all that. Sam said Emily didn't see anything when he imprinted. I wonder what the difference is."

"Me." I said, simply, figuring this was the best time to lay everything bare. "It's because I... nevermind." It was stupid to tell him. He'd run away again and leave me with my stupid broken heart in irreplaceable broken pieces.

"No, tell me," he said gently.

I considered the best way to do this. "Don't freak out, okay?"

He nodded, like bring it on. So, I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. "Do you want to know how I learned Johnathan was a vampire?"

"He told you?" Jacob guessed, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I guessed. I had this gut feeling he was a vampire, even though I'd never met one. Like how you get goosebumps when you're scared? I just knew." I gestured pointlessly. "But it happened with Sam, too, that night when he found Bella in the woods."

Jacob stayed silent, contemplative. "It happens to me any time something... supernatural, I guess, is near. For example— I sensed you were here tonight before you threw the rock at my window."

His eyes widened in wonder. "Really?"

"Yeah. But that's not the worst of it." I took a shuddering breath, looking Jake straight in the eyes. "As a defense mechanism, my mind built this... shield. But not only that. Every time somebody grabs my hand, I get a sense of the truth. It's not like I see their thoughts or anything— I can't read minds, but I can just feel the truth. It's invasive."

"And that's why you don't let anyone hold your hand?" Jacob said it like everything was making sense, like it had been puzzling him for a long time.

"Yeah." I said, voice thick. "And... well, I haven't done this on a werewolf before, but here goes nothing."

I looked Jake dead in the eyes, searching his eyes for signs of discomfort. Well, as another offensive measure, I can also project my thoughts—words, really— into someone else's head.

I waited for him to flinch, or back away, or yell at me, but Jacob did none of those things. His eyes went wide for a fraction of a second— and then he smiled.

"That's pretty cool, actually."

"Cool?" My voice was high.

"I mean... yeah, kinda. That's the kind of stuff you see in movies," he said, although he was one to talk, being a werewolf and all.

The weight on my shoulders lightened ever so slightly. "I thought you'd be... I don't know, upset that I hid this from you?" I almost wanted him to be upset with me, so that my fears would be confirmed at long last.

Jake took a step closer to me, putting a hand under my chin so I couldn't avoid his gaze. "I already told you— I don't care, Katie. Nothing else matters to me except you. I don't want to be without you anymore. I meant what I said. I love you. Superhero or not."

That made me laugh a little. I didn't want to hesitate this time. "I love you too, Jake." The words were a whisper off my lips. "Werewolf or not."

He waited a second longer before he dipped down and pressed his lips to mine. They were warm and so soft compared to the rest of his body. At first, the kiss was tentative. But I threw my arms around his neck and pressed up on my tip-toes to kiss him better. His mouth pressed against mine harder, more desperate, like he'd been waiting to do it for a long time.

"Jake?" I asked when we pulled back for air.

"Yes, Katie?" His words were breathless.

"Did you hear me singing earlier?"

Jacob looked sheepish. "Yeah. We all did."

I groaned. "Really? My window was shut!"

"On the bright side, they all thought your voice was good." His voice was nervous, like he was worried how I'd respond to that.

I shook my head in embarrassment, pressing it into his chest. His arms snaked around my waist, pulling me into a hug. "Sorry," he murmured into my hair. "I was worried I'd need them here. But I think it worked out okay."

I look up at him with a sarcastic expression. "Just okay?"

He grinned at me in his classic Jacob way. I had missed that grin so badly these last few weeks. "Great. Better than my wildest dreams."

I rested my head on his chest again. "That's more like it."

"Hey," he said gently, tipping my chin up with a finger. "Do you want to open your present?"

I glance down at the box still perched on the end of my bed. I reach for it, but resume my place next to Jacob, pulling the bow apart and gingerly taking the lid off the box. Inside is a small charm bracelet with wooden charms. One charm, a tree, is dark green. The other charm is a wolf, painted a dark brown.

I look up at him curiously. He blushes. "Did you make this?" The wonder is apparent in my voice.

"Yeah," he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. "I made the tree for you and the wolf for me. Of course, at the time, I didn't realize..."

I nod, admiring the bracelet for another moment. "Will you help me put it on?" I hand it over to him and offer him my wrist. Somehow, the bracelet's proportions are almost perfect, because when he clasps the chain around it's a comfortable length.

"So... what do you think?" He asks, and I realize my silence must be concerning.

"Oh. It's... beautiful," I say breathlessly. "If you had given this to me on my birthday, I would have kissed you." It's not entirely a joke, either.

He grins, giving me a thoughtful look. "I shouldn't have forgotten it. I spent all night trying to confess my feelings for you, but couldn't really work up the nerve."

I shake my head, looking back up at him. "I'm glad you forgot it."

Jake starts chuckling, mock hurt on his face. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I hit his arm. "If I had kissed you on your birthday, I would have given you the flu. I also would have been heartbroken with... everything that happened afterwards. So, I'm glad you forgot it, because everything worked out fine."

He nods, caressing my cheek. "I'm sorry," he murmurs. "Really. About everything."

I shake my head again. "I'm sorry, too."