*𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕤𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕖𝕟

a/n this is a trigger warning because this chapter talks about self-harm scars. i have gone through something like this myself, but that doesn't make me an expert in the subject. if you're depressed and thinking about hurting yourself, i implore you to get help. i know that sometimes it's hard to reach out for help, but you are going to be better for it.

-나는 그들의 것, 그들은 내 꺼야-

-myungho's pov-

when the limo parked in front of the mansion, seungcheol insisted to take areum with him. he pulled her away from mingyu and brought her to his room.

he was angry with himself. anyone could see that. he was angry that he couldn't protect her. that none of us could do anything to keep her safe from kai.

jongin is much more powerful than any vampire there is. he's one of the oldest there is. we don't even know how old he is.

the moment he started heading upstairs, i followed him, concerned with telling him what i saw. what i saw on her. on her wrist.

"seungcheol," i knocked on his door but heard no response. so, i knocked again.

i felt an uneasy feeling, worried about what happened in her past. what could have caused her to resort to such measures?

"come in," he shouted.

once i opened the door, i saw her laying on his bed, unconscious. she almost looked peaceful.

but i'm sure her mind is in turmoil, scared senseless of what kai did to her. i was unconscious when it happened, momentarily killed by kai.

"seungcheol," i turned to him. he was in his bathroom without his shirt. he had already started changing. he turned to me holding his shirt.

"what is it?"

"please, check her wrists," i turned back to areum.

there are old cuts on her wrist, from years previous. it broke my heart to know she would be hurting herself.

"what?" he furrowed his brows.

"check her wrists," i repeated to him. with a questioning brow he moved to stand behind her, looking at me before reaching to her arm and pulling up her sleeves.

a scowl appearing on his face, sitting down beside her with a look of disbelief in his eyes.

"i'll speak with her," he sighed

-areum's pov-

when i came to, i didn't know where i was. i wasn't aware of what had happened. i wasn't aware of anything. i was back in that dark room with no way out. it was just dark.

it felt like that was the only thing i knew. like this was my entire life. there wasn't a time when i was a little girl or a time when i knew them. it was just dark.

until i awoke, gasping for air, confused until all the memories came flooding back.

"holy crap," i whispered, still panting to catch my breath.

i looked around the room, seeing its emptiness.

i was alone in a room. but when the sound of the shower running registered, i realized that i was in seungcheol's room, and he was in the other room.

i remembered everything that happened moments before i passed out. i know what he did to me, but i don't remember it at the same time.

i stumbled to my feet, tripping over the air, and i saw myself in the mirror.

the beautiful dress myungho had made for me was ruined. there was blood covering most of the top half, and the back of my body was completely covered in red as if i had been bleeding out on the ground.

"where's the bite mark?" i rubbed at the side of my neck, where i felt a stinge of hurt like a distant memory.

my head was pounding like there was a drum in my ears as my heart took every beat, and i felt nauseous, but not from anxiety. like i had eaten something bad.

"what the hell happened after i went out," i placed my hands at the side of my head.

i should ask seungcheol.

i turned in the direction of the bathroom, my body moving on its own before i had a moment to think. "seungcheol," i knocked on the door and stepped inside before even hearing a reply, too caught up to wait.

"you're awake," he turned to look at me, his body surrounded by the steam of the hot shower, and that's when i realized i had made a mistake. i felt the blood rush up to my cheeks.

"how are you feeling?" he turned off the water, pulling a towel and placing it around his body, rushing to stand in front of me.

"u-um," i stuttered for words, "i'm fine. my head j-just hurts a l-little," scrambling my brain to find a coherent sentence to say to him, too flustered to even properly look at him; my eyes looked just behind his ear, praying that i'll have the willpower to not look down.

"mingyu fed you his blood, that's probably why you feel like that," he placed a hand on my cheek, his hand warm from the shower, almost human.

"w-why would he do that?" i furrowed my brows taken aback at what he said, more so than the situation.

"our blood can heal humans. that's why you aren't bleeding anymore, why you don't have a wound," he explained. "i'm going to change, go sit down on the bed, you need to rest. then i'll get you your towel so you can shower," he ordered me.

for once his voice wasn't demanding or intimidating, he was speaking to me with a soft voice, worry laced into it. he only wanted to care for me. to keep me safe.

"okay."

🌷

when i sat down and looked around the room for a second time was when everything sunk in. not too long ago i was a normal teenager; now i know that the supernaturals are real and i was almost killed by one of the oldest vampires around.

i looked at the clock beside his bed. it was 3:00 am. the last time i stayed up this late intentionally was when i was studying for a final. that seems so trivial now. like it wasn't a real problem.

my life has been turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

"areum, i'll go get your stuff now," he said as he walked out of the bathroom, the towel wrapped sitting on his shoulder and wearing sweatpants, a blush appearing on my face again at the sight.

i felt butterflies form in my belly again. i seem to never get used to seeing them like this.

"okay," a gently smiled at him, falling back on the bed.

once i heard the door click shut, i released a sigh.

"life is never going to be the same again, is it."

i stood up and looked at myself in the mirror again, unaware that someone was creeping up behind me.

my makeup had become smudged from tears, my hair was in dismay. i looked like a mess, like someone that had run out of a wedding, escaping her husband/wife.

i chuckled, thinking i looked like bloody mary.

"i need to take this dress off," i stretched my arms behind me, hoping to grasp the zipper of the dress. but my arms were neither long enough nor flexible enough to do so.

"do you need help?" a hand was suddenly placed on my waist, causing me to flinch at the sudden voice.

"s-soonyoung," i stuttered, turning to look at him.

"i wanted to check up on you. are you okay?" he tried to smudge off my makeup. "i'm fine," "good."

he leaned in, placing his forehead against mine, exhaling a deep breath, and tickling my skin.

"we were all so worried about you. none of us could do anything to stop him," he chuckled with no humor, reaching out his hands to be around my waist.

"i'm okay now. you don't have to worry," i placed my arms on his shoulder.

and then silence. we were in each other presence, not speaking, but it felt like we were. our bodies responding to the closeness. all i wanted was to be engulfed in him. to feel a comforting body.

i pulled him close, my hands over his shoulders and his arms around me. it was an indescribable intimacy. something that can't be described in simple words. it was a feeling. a feeling of closeness and familiarity. knowing that the other person is there just to comfort you, to take care of you and be there, is an indescribable feeling.

he's always been here for me. when i was in my darkest moment, he was there. he was one of them that pulled me into the light. it was like he had helped me to breathe again, he taught me to breathe again.

"i love you," i whispered, my nose tucked into the side of his neck.

"i love you too," his chin on my shoulder.

when he pulled away, i already missed the absence of his warmth. missed the feeling of the way he breathed.

"do you need help taking off the dress? i saw you were struggling before," he quirked a brow, the previous calmness gone when a mischievous smirk landed on his lips.

"oh yeah," he turned my body around, now able to see our reflection in the large golden mirror in front of us.

one of his hands hanging on my waist and the other pulling my hair to the side, placing small kisses on my nape.

i gasped at the sensation, his lips intoxicating me and my thoughts.

thoughts of unsinful things entering my mind and a strange sensation between my legs.

his hands painfully slow at unzipping the back of the dress. even from where i was, where i could only see his eyes staring back at me, i could tell he was enjoying this, a smirk on his face.

"you can be so naive," he chuckled.

his personality had done a 180°, going from comforting to something lustful.

"what?"

"you forget that we are still men. we still have desires and impulses," he placed his hands on my waist, pressing his body on my back. another flurry of butterflies in my belly and the rush of heat to my face.

this took me by surprise.

it was true what he was saying. i do forget that they're men.

they are still men...

"soonyoung," seungcheol shut the door harshly, "get out of here," he sighed, almost as if he has acted like this in the past, a naturally occurring thing, that was his personality.

he let go of me at once, leaving one last kiss on my cheek, before going to the door and leaving.

"s-seungcheol," i whipped around in an instant, "i can-" "it's fine. you never promised anything," he placed his hand up.

🌷

what soonyoung had done took me by surprise. seeing that side of him, seeing the instinctual desires he had, realizing that they are truly still there, was shocking.

when i entered the bathroom, the feeling in my stomach wouldn't disappear. i felt giddy and nervous, enticed even.

my image of soonyoung has changed drastically in the last few weeks. he used to be the fun guy i always knew, someone who would never change, someone who would take care of me and support me no matter what. he was still that person.

but now, it was different. there was a certain allure to him now, this lust in his eyes.

i slowly let go of the dress i was holding on my body, finally letting it fall to the ground. my blood, which i thought was dry, stained the floor as it hit the ground. i was left in my underwear, my bra also stained in blood.

how much blood did i lose?

i thought i'd be feeling the effects of it.

i turned on the shower and took all of my garments off, finally feeling the sweet relief of being naked. but the blood that stained my body felt like a scar. something i would never be able to wash off.

a stain in my life.

so i scrubbed away at it, attempting my best to clear my skin, to feel clean again. i rubbed away at it too harshly. if i had continued, maybe i would have even bled. the water felt like it did nothing to help.

but seungcheol came into the bathroom to brush his teeth, his sudden appearance had brought me out of my trance.

he's so casual about entering a bathroom a girl is showering in, i chuckled inside.

but in reality, i felt dirty, disgusting, and loathsome. like after what happened tonight, i wouldn't be able to live the same. like he had started something by doing that to me.

"areum," he interrupted, "i want to talk to you after you finish," he looked at his reflection, the steam beginning to cover up.

"okay," i responded in a small voice, holding the loofah in my hand and it dropping. i realized that my skin felt like it burned. i wasn't sure if it was from all the scrubbing or if it was a feeling of burning from the thought of having blood on me.

"i'll bring you some clothes," he closed the door behind him.

and suddenly the memory of myungho seeing the scars on my wrist came back.

"shit," i whispered, feeling tears form in my eyes, crouching down on the ground, my wet hair falling over my face. "he saw..."

🌷

"here are some clothes for you," he placed black and white plaid pajamas on the counter as i sat on the closed toilet with a towel wrapped around me and my hair up with a clip, dripping water into my back.

"thank you."

he was being so caring with me. he was tending to every need of mine, and his presence alone seemed to ease my anxiety.

but i still felt dirty. i was still dripping in blood in my mind.

what she was wearing:

(a/n that's literally what he wore in ttt 2020)

somehow the clothes fit relatively well. the pants were too long for me so i had to scrunch them up at the bottom and the shirt hung low on my chest, almost exposing my cleavage.

when i put my clothes on, i decided to snoop around his bathroom, not ready to face him yet. but when i found a box of king-sized condoms in the bottom drawer, i couldn't bring myself to look around any further, scared to find anything else i would regret.

"seungcheol," i opened the door from the bathroom, the towel on my shoulders to keep from my hair wetting his clothes.

"i'm here," he was sitting in the chair next to the large windows, his feet laying on the end table and reading a book. "what are you reading?" i stood beside him, my hand resting on his bare shoulder.

"little women," he set the book down on the table and stood up, towering over me. his hands went to my towel, undoing the clip that held up my hair and letting it fall. i was surprised when he did, but it was a nice way of him showing that he cared.

he knew that i wasn't too fond of my hair being wet. it always made me feel like i was going to get sick. every time i wash my hair, i hastily dry it with a blow dryer or a towel.

he started drying my hair with the towel, saying, "it's way too late for your hair to be wet."

i chuckled a "thanks."

his hands were so gentle as he rubbed the cotton against my hair, much gentler than i'd be. he did it as if he was afraid he would hurt me.

he sat me down on the bed after he finished, my hair was only dewy now. he went to the bathroom with the towel to put it in the hamper.

this entire time i hadn't opened up my mouth to ask anything, not of what happened, not of what he wants to ask me, nothing. i just wanted a moment to be silent, where i could enjoy the peace of the night.

if i brought myself to ask him anything, anything at all, it would mean that it happened. it would make it true.

even though it was dark outside, the moonlight shined enough light for us to be in his room without any lights on. everything around us was visible.

i found myself looking up at the moon, basking in its shine.

it was almost like it was kissing my skin, it felt warm.

once he came back into the room, he stood in front of me, his hand resting on my head with an empty expression.

"what happened tonight?" i finally asked, "did all of that really happen?"

"yes, it all happened," he pulled my face to rest on his chest. i could feel my heart trying to escape from my ribcage, and once again i felt the flush of heat on my face.

he took my hands, expecting him to caress them, but instead, he turned them around, pushing back my sleeve.

"what are you-" i whipped my head up, my eyes wide with shock.

what is he doing?

"can you tell me why you did it?" his facial expression was still blank, but there was a hint of sadness behind it.

i've always known that i will one day need to tell them, but i don't think i'm ready yet.

"you don't have to tell me, but please just tell me you're okay now," he crouched down in front of me, meeting my eyes.

tears were forming from the confrontation, from knowing that he knew, from having to tell him now, because you have to start somewhere.

this is probably the hardest thing i'll ever have to do.

"it happened..." i paused, "i did it two years after you guys left," i mumbled, looking down at my hands, the scars.

"i was just so done with living. i felt like i was empty without all of you," tears already falling from my eyes.

-flashback-

they have been gone for two years...

two stupidly long years. i've been stuck in this loneliness for two years.

i have the others, sure, but it's not the same. when all of them are around, it feels like family. even with wonwoo and seungcheol. they're all so important to me.

after a single year, their faces were blurred in my mind. i was left endlessly wondering if they were ever going to come back. if i was ever going to see their faces again. if i was ever going to eat mingyu's cooking or jeonghan's comforting presence.

the new house we lived in felt so empty without all thirteen of them. there was an eerie silence that follows me everywhere i go here.

i've become so numb to it under the bright sun, acting indifferent to the loneliness. but when the sun sets and everything was engulfed in moonlight, it all comes rushing back, silently crying myself to sleep, or crying in the shower.

it didn't help that people still see me as an outcast.

i was still ostracised by everyone.

but here they don't hit.

here you don't feel the physical pain.

it's almost worse.

in school, not a single soul speaks to me. no one- no one cares if i show up to school or not, no one cares that i go the bathroom to cry on bad days. no one cares.

life felt meaningless.

there was nothing to look forward to. nothing that kept my dreams alive. nothing to keep me going.

-joshua's pov-

it was the middle of the night. seokmin, jun, seungkwan, chan, and jihoon had to end some connections with people here in france, so they weren't going to be back for another month, and soonyoung and i were left with the task of taking care of her.

but since everything seemed fine, he and i were sharing a glass of "wine."

"what are we going to do when she finds out?" i mumbled, wooshing around the red liquid in the glass.

it felt like a hopeless situation. one day she was going to figure it out, but we never know what.

"honestly, i prefer not to think about-" he suddenly stopped speaking, completely freezing in his spot.

"what's wrong-" and then i froze.

there was a scent of blood filling the entire room, but the only human in the mansion was areum. but this is different. the thickness of the smell made it seem like she was losing pints by the second.

in a single moment, i appeared at her door with soonyoung behind. "areum!" i banged on the door.

her room was silent, there wasn't a single sound; not of her computer, or her phone, or anything. i couldn't even hear her breathe.

so without hesitating, i kicked open the door, looking around the entire room. but it was empty.

the scent of blood was even thicker in here and could feel my eyes changing color.

panic spread throughout me. what could have possibly happened to her for her to bleed this much.

-soonyoung's pov-

where is she?

"areum!" i shouted, walking towards her locked bathroom, the smell being thicker there. "areum!" i shouted again.

but with no response and the smell of blood becoming thicker and thicker by the second, i chose to force the door open.

she has to be okay.

but she wasn't.

-end of flashback-

"they found me in the bathtub. my blood was all over my arms and body."

the blood on my skin i experienced before was different from tonight. tonight felt like it was something that would taint my soul and i hated the way it made me feel; weak, helpless, human...

more tears fell from my eyes, my voice cracking as i finished.

i felt so guilty after that night; after i tried to kill myself. i carried that around for a year. i felt guilty for making them worry, for being stupid enough to do something like that. i was naive and depressed.

i didn't know how to cope with the enormous amounts of loneliness and depression.

"afterward, they offered to put me in therapy. i stayed in it for four months until i got somewhat better," i held onto his hand tightly, my forehead leaning on his.

"this is the first time i-i've ever told anyone," i stuttered, letting out a few exasperated gasps, my heart beating out of my chest, sniffling and crying.

it felt strangely good to let all of that out. to not carry it all by myself.

"i'm sorry our disappearance made you feel so helpless," he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me as close as possible.

and there it was again.

that flurry of butterflies.

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