Chapter 49

Zoe

The small details of this place are the ones that have begun to enchant me the most. They ease the tension in my chest, cloaking my heart with a misleading veil of tranquility.

The leaves, for example. Particularly the ones that grow on the trees in the Outskirt. They're shaped like hearts, and knit so closely together that it looks like they're trying to shelter the branches sewn between them from the outside world. They're a dark, thick green, and the color possesses a peculiar liquid-like quality. Like if I reach out and try to touch them, I'll find my fingers dripping with oil paint.

"For someone who's been tasked with taking down one of the most dangerous wizards of all time, you think you'd try to pay better attention."

My head snaps up, gaze refocusing. "Wha -- oh...I'm sorry."

Vaughn Yun, whose young face is creased with decades worth of tension lines, smiles softly. It isn't an expression that reads as happy, though -- rather more mellow exhaustion.

"Don't apologize to me. Apologize to yourself, later, when you're facing off against your sadist of a twin brother and have no idea how to defend yourself."

We're in the Outskirt -- a term used by Beauxbatons students to refer to the vast and dense thicket of trees that line the edges of the school grounds.

This is where Ingrid told me I'd be meeting Vaughn for our first training session half an hour ago. He'd apparently preferred we meet somewhere outdoors, where it was hard for sound to carry and prying eyes to look in. I wonder why.

"If you don't mind me asking -- what exactly are you going to be teaching me, anyways? If that's even the right word for it."

"It's not the right word for it." He says. "I'm not exactly going to be teaching you anything. Think of it more like this: there's something in you -- powers, magic, call it whatever you like -- and it's my job to pull it out of you."

Confusion and unease pool like oil in my stomach. I take a nearby leaf in between my fingers, tug at it.

"And how do you intend to do that?"

"Well, I've got some ideas. Let's just say none of them are exactly painless."

He must sense my unease then, for he says, "Look, this isn't going to be a walk in the park. You knew that already. However, it is necessary. I'm going to do a lot of experimental things that you won't particularly like – induce fear, pain, anger. I want to see if whatever's in you will respond to the triggering of strong emotions and sensations."

He's right – I don't like the sound of it. Not one bit. But after everything I've endured over the past several months, I'm not as afraid as I might've once been. Pain, fear, anger – I've become well acquainted with these. Certainly I'll be able to grit my teeth through a bit more.

"Have you ever tried this on anyone else before?" I ask, before I've wondered if I even want to know the answer.

He doesn't speak, but the look on his face tells me everything I need to know.

My fingers return to the leaves, my mind retreating inward again.

"Look — let's start off easy. I want you to tell me a little bit about how all of this has affected you. How it's made you feel."

I feel something cringe back into me, like  spider skittering away from a sudden flash of light.

I suck in a breath. "Easy, you say?"

Vaughn gives me a look. "If we're going to do this right — and I certainly plan on it — then we're going to have to know each other. Trust each other. That starts with you talking to me. You have to choose to be a little vulnerable here."

I remain quiet.

"Zoe." He says. "I wouldn't be asking you to do this if it weren't necessary."

I know that, I think. But the mere mention of my grief has caused it to solidify along my spine and weigh down heavily upon my back, morphing me into an uninviting, unspeaking hunch of a human being.

"Fine, then." Vaughn sighs in defeat. He turns his eyes to the ever-expanding mass of trees behind us, gazing into the dark nothingness between them. "I'll go first. I used to be a Death Eater."

***

Blaise

One thing I noticed about Zoe when I first met her was how she seemed so unsure of herself, yet so stable in her skin all at once.

By nature, she was a contradiction to herself. I suppose that's what happens when someone who's so sure of who they are is suddenly funnelled into a world that they don't know, don't understand, don't yet belong in.

She cried a lot – always seemed to be on the verge of tears. Sensitive little thing, she was. I expect this was a result of the strange situation.

I must've spent months trying to figure her out. She left me stupefied: this girl with so many dimensions. How could someone appear so insecure yet so grounded all at once? So stable, yet always toeing the edge of instability, threatening to tip over?

I was further captivated by the mystery of her feelings for me.

Whether I liked it or not, I knew I was drawn to her. It was as though a magnetic pull existed between her and I, and with each subsequent interaction -- even if it had been as simple as a fleeting moment in which our eyes locked from across the length of a room -- I was drawn further into her orbit.

She, on the other hand, seemed more perplexed by her feelings. She couldn't decide whether she liked me or she hated me. I think it became clear to both of us though, eventually, that she just hated how much she liked me.

And the more she began to open herself around me, like a flower unfolding to reveal a collection of magnificent hues, the more I became addicted to her.

I wanted to know everything there was to her, dissect and study each layer, and I made my best effort to do so. I learned that she prefers a quiet environment to one that's busy with noise. I noted that her feelings have peculiar ways of manifesting in her face. And countless other things that I deliberately came to know, and those things subsequently made my feelings for her grow deeper, even when I thought that could no longer be possible.

The sound of her laugh -- an audible embodiment of bliss -- made me feel full. When I was around her, the air of excitement and liveliness that belonged solely to her infected me like the sweetest disease. 

And that's what frightens me the most about this whole situation: that upbeat energy, that happiness, has vanished. 

It used to pour out of her, like light from the sun, and whenever I was around her, I could sense it. Not anymore. It's like a switch in her has been shut off. It's like something has died in her.

And that's fucking terrifying.

I decide that I need to talk to her tonight. What I'm going to say, I'm not exactly sure. But anything will be better than the wall of silence that I've single-handedly built between us.

It hasn't been my intention to wall myself off from her. It's just what I've always done in life when things get hard -- close off, shut down. It's a mechanism of self-protection. It fits me comfortably, much like a well-worn glove.

Opening up to someone, on the other hand, feels like wrenching the tip of a blade through my abdomen and letting my insides pour out. Leaving me damaged and exposed. The idea of it makes me raw with fear. 

Yes, I've opened up to Zoe a bit before -- I know this. But never before have we had to confront a situation so horrific in nature.

I can't bear to think that the one person who I've grown more fond of than anyone else is in serious danger. Life-threatening danger. But the idea of this keeps returning to my mind over and over again, like an unwanted pest that I can't get rid of. 

Even more haunting is the knowledge that my own mother is the reason for all this in the first place. She made this happen -- crafted each and every detail meticulously -- and yet somehow, I feel like it's my fault. In my mind, I am guilty by association.

That's why I haven't been able to talk to Zoe. Hell, I can barely look her in the eye lately. I'm terrified of what I'll feel if I do.

But something has to give. I need to grit my teeth and get through this, just the same as I've done with everything else in my life. Zoe needs my support right now, and no matter what I'm feeling, I won't be able to live with myself if I don't give it to her.