Part 36

Nikki's point of view;

"Are you sure I look fine?" I ask Brie and Paige who both nod their heads. "You always look fine." Brie says with a smile.

"You're hot." Paige adds. I roll my eyes smiling. "Okay. Okay." I grab my purse and walk out of my room.

John and I are going out tonight. He's going to an event and he asked me to come along. Of course I had to get all fancy to go.

I'm in the lobby waiting for John when Eva approaches me. "Hey Nikki! Don't you look pretty." She says giving me a hug. Eva and I have never really been close but we're acquaintances.

"Why thank you. You look stunning yourself." I say watching her beautiful body. She's wearing workout clothes and her hair is in a ponytail. She looks very pretty without trying. Something I can't do.

"Oh please. I'm all sweaty and beat up." She says rolling her eyes and smiling. "Are you going out with, John?" She adds as she wipes her sweaty forehead.

"Yeah. I'm actually waiting for him." I say as she keeps smiling. "Oh. You're lucky you know? John is a very handsome guy. He's all fancy, rich, and every girls dream."

"Yeah." I answer starting to feel uncomfortable. "I mean. He needs a woman who's pretty, hot, confident. A girl who's good enough for him...like you."

"Yeah." I say once again. "Have you slept lately? Those under eye circles are no joke." She asks with a chuckle.

I start feeling self conscious and feel my face heating up. "I'm just kidding! You look pretty." The elevator opens and I see John walking out wearing a grey suit.

He looks so perfect and I feel my heart race. "There he is. What a man." She says with a grin. John approaches us and he gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Hello ladies." He says with his usual smirk. "Hey John. I was telling Nikki how handsome you look and how pretty she looks. You two look great." Eva says.

"Why thank you." He answers. "Yeah well. I'll see you guys later. Have fun." She answers with a smile. She walks away and when she does every guy in the lobby turns to see her.

The way she moves her hips seductively and her pony tail moves from side to side. I feel myself getting angry and pull away from John walking to the door.

"Nikki. Wait!" He says coming behind me. "Why don't you go and stare at Eva?" I answer with anger. "Oh please. I wasn't staring at her. You're imagining things, Nicole. Even if I were to stare that's not a bad thing. Don't you stare at other guys? I know you do."

I keep walking to his car without answering. "I don't want to fight. Not tonight okay?" He opens the door for me and I get in.

<<••>>

"I feel very blessed with my success. I'm very thankful for all my fans because without them I wouldn't be who I am." John says. He's doing an interview right now and I'm waiting for him.

Suddenly I get a text from Brie. When I open it up I see a picture of the body magazine. "It's finally out!" Brie says. "Yeah! 🙃" I reply.

After staring at it for a long time I decide to upload it on Instagram. Very often, I post pictures on social media.

I do it because I like to feel like I'm confident. I like for people to think I'm confident. Truth is I'm not. Every time I post a picture I'm terrified. Horrified. Of what people will say. Of what people will think. 

Somehow reading hate comments encourages me. To push myself to try harder. Because I can't give up. I need to be perfect. Being perfect and thin is the only way I'll be happy. Being perfect is the only way I'll get to paradise.

After I post it I lock my phone and chew on my lip nervously. A notification pops up. wwerollins liked your picture.

My tummy starts feeling weird. Seth always, always, likes my pictures. It somehow makes me feel weird.

My phone starts blowing up with notifications. Curiosity gets the best of me and I unlock my phone.

I start reading comments and feel myself smile. Our fans are really sweet and supportive. My smile suddenly fades when I come across a comment.

"Does anyone else notice how fat Nikki looks compared to Brie 😂" I feel my heart sink to my stomach. But that's not the only one. There's more.

"Brie is my favorite! Nikki's a superficial bitch."

"Nikki is the fat twin lol"

"The only good thing about Nikki are her boobs. She would be worthless without them."

"Nikki's cheeks are fat asf"

"Brie is beautiful nothing compared to Nikki"

"The only reason Nikki is famous is because of John"

"Nikki looks so fat omg"

I don't realize the tears are streaming down my face until my vision becomes blurry. I put my phone down and try to swallow the knot on my throat.

I'm trying to stop the tears but they're coming out one after another. When I see that John is almost done I grab a tissue from my purse and wipe my tears.

A familiar pressure on my chest starts building up. I start to feel very shaky and I start scratching my forearms harshly.

I'm trying to stop myself from doing something I don't want to do. But I can't stop myself. It's something I can't control. It's something I'm not capable of stopping.

My hands start searching my bag for a small piece of mirror I always carry. It's not here. It's not here. What am I going to do?

"Nicole?" John says. I stop searching and look up. "Are you okay?" He asks. "Yeah. I was just looking for something." I say getting up.

"Are you all done?" He nods his head kissing my cheek. "Want to get something to eat?" He asks.

As we're walking outside a photographer snaps a picture of us. "Can I see it?" John asks. He stretches the camera to us. I glance and look at it. John is smiling but I'm not smiling. I'm looking at him. Like he's a stranger. Like he's unreachable.

"I mean. He needs a woman who's pretty, hot, confident. A girl who's good enough for him..." Eva's words come up in my mind.

Eva is right.

John does need a pretty, hot, confident, good enough woman. And it's clear I'm not that.

"John." I say as we're walking to his car. "Yes?" He asks as he takes out his keys to unlock it. "I think we need to break up." The words escape my mouth.

John stops walking and looks at me. "What? Why?" He asks. "I.. I just feel like this is not working out."

"Nicole. You've got to be kidding, right? Is it because of what I asked that other night?" He grabs my hand. "Listen you don't have to move in with me if you don't want me. I was just asking because I really like you and-"

"No. It's not that. I just feel like it's not working. I can't make you happy." I say holding his face. "You need to be happy, John.  You don't need to be with someone like me. I'm no good. I'm only holding you back."

He pulls me in and kisses my cheek. "You do make me happy. So happy. Nikki, please." I pull away shaking my head. "No. I can't. I can't stay with you because I'd only hurt you."

"Nikki." He says. "I'm sorry." He sighs looking down at his hands. "If that's what you want. I just want you to know that I don't want this, Nicole. It's your decision."