Part 24

Nikki's point of view;

I promised myself I would never be weak and I wouldn't allow someone to make me have control over me. Not again. Not after every guy that's been in my life.

Yet here I am. Being vulnerable under Seth's touch and kiss. I hate him, so why am I still here kissing him back? Why am I still here under his spell?

"Nikki! Seth!" My mom calls. Seth and I pull away immediately. We look at each other unsure of what to do.

I'm shaking. He's shaking.

I'm truly petrified.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to think. What to say. How can something wrong feel so right?

"Oh! There you guys are!" She says walking in. "Just wanted to let y'all know we're back. Did you guys have something to eat?"

"Yeah." Seth answers, "Great. Well we are... Where are you going?" My mom says as I start grabbing clothes from my suitcase. "I'm going to take a shower. I'm sweaty." I say still feeling shaky.

I can feel Seth look at me and I start feeling my body get hot. "Oh okay. We should let her do her thing then. Come on Seth. Oh and don't forget Nikki that we're going to eat dinner tonight all of us together as a family."

I nod my head as they leave. Once they're out the door I suddenly feel like I can finally breathe fine.

<<••>>

"I want to make a toast because we're all reunited as a family! Well Brie and Roman are missing but they're in their honeymoon." Alex says putting his glass up.

I'm sitting in front of Seth and he's been looking at me the whole time. I've been avoiding his gaze because I can't look at him. Not after what happened. It makes me feel weird.

Strange.

We put our glasses up and my mom speaks up, "I'll also like to make a toast for the success my children are having in WWE. And for my sons success at college. I know Seth and Brandon aren't my children but I love you two as if you were." She says with a grin.

We put our glasses down and start drinking. Seth looks at me and I feel like I can't look away. He smiles as he's drinking and I feel myself smiling too.

<<••>>

I step on the scale I have on my room to weight myself. I'm biting my lip anxiously. When the number pops up on the weight scale I feel myself die inside.

I get off and sit on the cold bathroom floor with nothing but my panties and bra on. I feel the voices coming back. I shouldn't have ate dinner. I shouldn't have.

My tears are falling from my eyes and I push the weight scale with my leg. It hits the wall violently and I dig my nails behind my neck.

I miss my old self. When I was little with no worries. I hate myself now. I don't think no one will understand that. It only gets worse at night when I'm by myself alone in the dark.

Feeling so unhappy with myself makes me want to curl up in a hole and die.

I start to feel a huge urge in me. I get up and look at myself in the mirror. When I do I start sobbing loudly. Is this what I look like?

My eyesight is blurry but I'm still able to find the tiny silver sharp metal hidden behind all of my many lotions.

I pull up my bra and with my shaky hand slide the sharp metal right below my breast. It's funny how you feel pain when you get a paper cut or when you accidentally hit your little toe on furniture. But slicing a razor through your skin feels like nothing but numbness.

"Nicole?" A voice says. I drop the razor on the floor and I quickly wipe my tears. I peek out of the bathroom and see Seth standing there.

"What are you doing here?" I ask my heart rate increasing. "I need to talk to you." He starts walking towards the bathroom and I close the door.

"Come on Nicole, are you going to act this way after we kissed?" He says trying to open the door. I see a little blood running down my body. 

"No it's not that. I need to get dressed." I say. He stops trying to open the door. "Oh, okay. Sorry." I hear him sit on my bed and I take a deep breath. 

I pick up and hide the razor and wipe the dots of blood. I take my oversized shirt and put it on then look at myself.

I sigh unpleasantly looking at my reflection. I look like crap.

I turn off the lights and walk out. I see Seth's shadow in the darkness. He gets up and walks towards the light switch. "No. Don't turn it on." I whisper.

"What? Why?" He asks. "My mom, your brother or Alex could see and they might walk in." Also I look horrible.

I sit on my bed and he sits down too. My clock light is hitting his face, I can barely see it but he's smiling.

"What are you doing here, Rollins? This is risky and wrong. Why're you in my room at 12 at midnight?" He smiles bigger , "I needed to talk to you. About while ago."

"Rollins, what happened while ago was nothing." I say. His smile suddenly disappears, "But we kissed and don't come with the excuse that you were drunk because you were sober." 

"I know but still. I still can't stand you." I say, he looks down at his lap. "That doesn't mean you're not attractive."

He looks up at me, "So you hate me but think I'm attractive?" I nod my head, "It's complicated."

He sighs sadly but laughs, "Oh my gosh, Nicole. You're too much." He lays on my bed and keeps laughing.

I feel my face get hot, "What are you laughing at, Rollins?" I ask with anger in my blood. He keeps laughing and I smack him on his leg. "It's just so funny."

"Shut up! We will get caught. You know what get out." I get up and point to the door. "No, no. I'm sorry. I'll stop laughing."

I groan loudly and sit back down. "I was just laughing because I'm in pain." I look down at his shadow still laughing on my bed. "Huh?"

"It hurts that you hate me but at least I'm attractive to you. I guess you can't have it all now can you my sweet beautiful, Nicole?" Even thought I can't see his face I can feel him smiling.

"That's right." I say feeling flattered for the compliment even though it's clearly not true. "Can you lay beside me?" He asks suddenly. I feel my face get hot, "What?"

"Nothing sexual, well if you want it to be we can make it sexual." He laughs quietly. "No!" I say with my face getting hotter by the second.

"Please lay beside me." He whispers in a serious tone. I don't know why but I do. I lay down beside him. We're not touching at all but I can feel his breath hit my face.

"This is nice." He says with a smile. I smile too. "It's the second time you smile at me." He says as the red clock light hit our faces.

"You keep count of that? What a loser." I say chuckling. "Well when you smile at me I feel this thing in my chest. It's a warm tingly feeling right in the center of my chest. You know what that is? It's happiness."

I stop chuckling and stare at him as he says this. "I make you happy." I ask but say it more like a statement.

"You have no idea. There are times you hurt my feelings- well you hurt my feelings 99% of the time. But when you smile at me, when you let me talk to you, when you're close to me, that makes me the happiest person in the world. It's very rare when you do that but it's worth the wait."

I don't realize I've been holding my breath until I feel my lungs screaming for me to release the air. Finally I breathe out and cough.

"Woah, don't choke now." He says getting up alarmed. "I'm fine." I say, he lays back down, "Gosh. You scare me too much."

We stay in silence for a few seconds until he leans in closer to me. I feel his warm minty breath on my lips. Our lips are almost touching.

"Rollins, you know this won't happen anymore, right?" I say before he kisses me. He nods his head, "I know. Just one more time." He whispers. I close my eyes and he kisses me softly and gently.

"I'm talking to John right now. I shouldn't be talking or laying down with you. Even though John and I aren't dating it's still wrong." I say once we pull away. I'm feeling guilty for doing this to John. 

"But it feels right." He says quietly. I don't answer because it's true. It does feel right.

Sinfully right.