xix

17:10, 3 January 2021

A/N : Please play the music only when I tell you to for the extra feels ya know. Enjoy!

Luna's POV

Aimlessly, I walk around the vicinity of the gymnasium where the NHK Trophy would be taking place tomorrow.

The competition. Right. The competition where I can partake but Yuzuru can't. All because I held him back. He's hurt because of me.

Looking at my watch, its now 1 in the morning. My phone has been turned off since I ended the call with Uncle Brian. I'm still in my training clothes since this morning without outerwear, cursing myself as it is already autumn and the climate is getting colder. I didn't want to go back to the hotel because for sure the others will just ask me questions nonstop.

I don't think my heart and mind can handle anymore today.

With a sigh and a shiver running down my spine because of the cold wind, I decided to head towards the rink not thinking whether it'd still be open or not. It appears that my safe haven is always and forever will be the rink.

I reach the entrance of the gymnasium and I find a security guard outside and the female receptionist in the lobby.

"Hi good eveni-, I mean good morning. I just want to ask if the rink is still open?" I laugh nervously, hoping it still is.

"Good morning! Aren't you Saito-san? Its a pleasure to meet you! I am a huge fan! Uhm, its not open anymore but I can make an exception for you."

What luck.

"Thank you so much for supporting me. Won't you get in trouble for doing that though, Miss --?" I shyly reply scratching the back of my head.

"Oh please call me Yuki, Saito-san. Its totally fine. I've been working here for years and I've met skaters like you who like to seek refuge on the ice during times of distress." The lady who introduced herself as Yuki said giving me a comforting smile.

I chuckle nervously "Is it that obvious?"

"Well, not really... Okay kind of. Your eyes are really puffy and I can hear from your voice that you are exhausted. You must've had a rough day." Yuki-san said with a sympathetic smile.

Oh dear you have no idea.

"Just... some stuff. I'm probably just nervous for tomorrow's short. Thank you so much, Yuki-san, for this. It really means a lot" I say as I gathering as much energy as I can to give her a sincere smile.

"Head inside, Saito-san. Don't worry about the press finding out about this. It'll be our little secret." She said whispering the last sentence to me while winking.

"Thanks again, Yuki-san. And please, call me Luna" I say as I laugh softly and went inside.

The lights are dim. Smoke from the ice is visible as it rises up. The silence is deafening. If a pin were to be dropped in here, it would echo throughout the whole building.

I sit down the benches for a few minutes, still processing everything that has happened today. Along with those thoughts, I hit my head and sigh in frustration.

"My f*cking skates are at the hotel." I whisper to myself. "Now what am I gonna do? I don't want to go back at the hotel."

I then start to sob quietly. It seems as though everything is crumbling down, including me.

"Looking for these, idiot?"

I snap my head up and look at where the voice came from. Though not a lot, a little wave of relief passed me as I ran towards the person.

"Sky. Oh my gosh what are you doing here? Where's mom and dad? Are you guys okay? How did-"

"I find you? I think its common sense that you would go here. Besides, I know you too well. I'm your brother after all. As for those other questions, can we take a seat for a bit? I came directly from the airport then to the hotel then here, lemme catch my breath. Here." Sky said as he ruffles my hair and brought me exactly what I need.

My skates.

For a few seconds, I unconsciously just hold them and stare at the scratches on the blades and the boots. They're bruised on the outside but still works perfectly fine. On the other hand, I look fine on the outside, but damaged deep inside.

"Well? Take a seat and wear them. Then I'll answer all your questions."Sky said, snapping me out of my trance.

"Where should I start? Hmmm..."

"Where's mom and dad? Did they come here with you?" I say as I slowly wear my skates.

"Ah yeah. They're on a business trip so its just me. I was supposed to arrive later but Uncle Brian called and filled me in with what happened so I thought you needed some company." He replied.

I stop midway tying my laces, my eyes widening at his statement.Just how much does he know?

"Everything. I know everything, Luna." He said as if he read my thoughts.

"Everything? What do you mean everything?" I said, continuing on wearing my skates and trying hard not to sound suspicious.

*A/N : Play the music!*

"I know you're dying." My brother said as I turn my head immediately to look at him. He was just there, sitting, leaning back and staring at the ceiling.

"Dying? Oh so now you're teasing me. Dear brother, did you see my performances before? Does it look like I'm dying? You underestimate me." I replied almost immediately trying to laugh it off.

"Oh really? What are these then?" Sky said as he hold up the white medicine bottle I asked my doctor to give me, the ones for my frequent cardiac episodes. "Don't even try to lie. I'm in med school, Luna. I also checked up with your doctor, who was my senior by the way. You're so dumb you think I wouldn't know him?"

My breath hitched. Okay I admit I AM dumb. I didn't think of that.

I face the rink, my back towards my brother afraid of looking at him. I bit my lip.

"So? What do you want me to do then? Stop? Are you going to drag me back home so I could stay locked in my room and wait for death to come knock on my bedroom door?" I say after a few minutes of silence, not noticing that my voice got louder.

After a few minutes of Sky not responding, I continue.

"Don't I deserve to be here? I worked hard for it didn't I?! I worked my ass off for the past months, completely ignoring the fact that I could die doing this!

I told myself I'd be happy just by going back to skating, Sky. I wanted nothing else and you know that!"

I stopped, my breathing getting ragged and uneven.

"But then that stupid man came along and look what happened! Meeting Yuzuru Hanyu was not part of my plan. But me, being a soft, gullible idiot, fell for his stupid charms. What's worse is I actually let myself fall for him even when I knew I was dying.

Now look where its got me...Its my fault. I held him back.

I wish I never met Yuzuru Hanyu. I regret crossing paths with him."

I mean it. The words I just said. I meant every single word.

I fell kneeling on the ground, still trying to hold on to that little thin string that's holding me together.

A moment of silence pass and only echoes of my silent cries resonate throughout dark, cold, empty rink until I feel a warm, comforting hand caress my back.

"Its okay. Let it all out. I'm here."

And with those eight words, the positive and strong facade I had put up have shattered, finally exposing my vulnerable self.

Its as if that thin string holding on for its dear life for the past months gave up on holding on.

I put my trembling hands up to my face to cover my sobbing face, realizing how much emotions I have bottled up inside of me.

My whole body is shaking. Is it because of fear? Anxiety? Depression? All of them probably.

I am at a dead end. I don't know what to do. And on cue, as if reading my mind (AGAIN), Sky spoke up.

"Why don't you skate for a bit to let off some of those emotions. Do what you're best at."

I sniffle like a child and nodded. I stood up and did as I was told. Sky was kind enough to play the music for my short program from my phone.

Like what others say, there are times when people who are emotionally unstable cannot act the way they want to because they are hindered by their thoughts that are holding them back. I agree with them. Most of the time.

Just most.

Because right now, I am way out of that "sane" zone yet I feel like I'm performing not the best that I could, but I am letting my emotions control my body instead of my mind, making it a more liberating feeling.

Its like being free.

And I want Yuzuru to feel the same way. I haven't heard from anyone from TCC but I'm sure the damage I caused is irreversible, especially to him.

I don't want to have any more regrets. And so does he.

He hates me. Even when he was unconscious he blamed me. And I totally understand and accept it.

After I finish skating, I have been void of any emotions. My face can no longer muster any kind of expression.

I feel nothing.

I skate back to my brother who was just smiling fondly at me as he hug me tightly. "So? What's your plan?" he whispers.

I pull away from the hug, breath deeply, and said

"I'm ready to let go."

------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 19 everyone!!! Oh my gosh I can't believe I've uploaded for 3 consecutive days already. I hope this chapter made you tear up :)) If not, then I still have a long way to go and I still have a lot to learn when it comes to writing angst stories.

Also, this chapter was obviously inspired by BTS' Let Go. So if you guys don't mind, go ahead and check on the english translation of the lyrics. Its so goooood! 🥺

xix

Similar stories