twenty seven;

Now Playing;When You Miss Me by PLAZA

1880.2.17

The pesky werewolf pack that occupies the territory next to ours stole her from us. One of them wanted her for himself. Well, I'd hate to have to kill him. She's ours. No one else can set a finger on her. Something happened because she's only been back a few hours and she's jumpy, different.

1880.2.18

That disgusting mutt. I forced her to show me what happened. He put his hands on her. He said things only I should say to her. No one can torment her but me. And she wants to protect them? She's fucking insane. I'm going to fuck some sanity into her the next chance I get.

1880.2.20

Every fucking time I see her, my dick goes hard. It's not even something I want half the time. And she isn't doing anything to make it do that. She'll be sitting there doing absolutely nothing. I've come to daydream about her, what I would do to her. What she tastes like, what she sounds like as I rail her into my bed.

1880.2.28

What have I done? I've fallen for her trap. And man did it feel great. Turns out she's been dreaming about me quite often, and not just any ordinary dreams. She tried to hide it from me, but sharing a room made that difficult. And it finally happened. It's exactly how I pictured I would have her. Her skin is softer than I expected, her moans sound more angelic that I could have ever imagined, and her taste is divine. But hearing her say my name was what drove me over the edge. I won't survive long hearing that, although it's something I want to hear every single day for the rest of my life.

1880.2.29

Hongjoong is pissed at me for helping him get laid. And Yeosang is mad at both of us. He's just jealous he hasn't made a move. Not sure what he's so afraid of, she absolutely adores him. I would feel bad but he's doing it to himself, waiting for her to make a move when she is also the one waiting for him to make the move. And as much as I hate how I'm beginning to feel about her, I wasn't going to let Joong lose control.

1880.3.1

Staying away from Eunha is a lot harder than I thought. I mean, I haven't seen her since that night and it's been somewhat easy because she's outright ignoring me. But being away from her is what makes it hard. I know as long as I keep my distance my stomach will stop that awful nauseous feeling.

1880.3.5

I tried. I tried to stay away from her. But I just couldn't help myself. I cornered her in her bathroom. She tried to push me away and tell me she didn't miss me just as much as I missed her presence. She forgets I can read her mind. I know exactly what she's thinking, what she wants. She can lie to the others and she can lie to herself. But the one person she can't lie to is me. I can tell she's growing attached to me, as much as I am to her. And now matter how hard I try to tell myself I don't want it to happen, that feeling in my stomach gets stronger when I'm around her and now my heart is being affected. My literal beating heart in my chest.

1880.3.5

I'm such an idiot. I pissed Hongjoong off to the point he spiraled into an early rut, while he was alone with Eunha. We were gone more than half of the night, and we aren't sure how much of it he was lucid. What we are sure of is he claimed her. I did this to them, I read her mind and told him that she wanted him, I activated the chase in him. Seeing her like this has made me realize just how much I care for her. And I'm not sure how to stop it, especially since it's already in motion. I can't let myself do this to either of us. She's been put through enough, especially by me. I need to keep my distance and nip this right in the bud. This has gone on long enough. I can't be the reason for hurting her again. Her pain becomes my pain, it's too much.

1880.3.6

She knows. I don't know how, but she knows I care about her to some degree. She doesn't know that it's driving me insane, but she's figured it out. Her thinking I hated her made all of this easier, but now that's she's figured me out she's made it very clear she isn't willing to let it go so easily. I shouldn't have went in there to begin with. I've already caused her enough pain and suffering. I watched it happen, I watched it play out in her mind. It made me want to throw up, and I haven't felt that feeling since I was human. She asked me to stay with her, and the only reason I tried to leave is because of how much I wanted to stay. To hold her, to tell her everything was going to be okay. To tell her the truth, that I've been falling for her since the moment we met. And believe me when I say I tried. I tried to leave twice but she just kept reeling me back in. But hearing her cry shattered something inside of me. So I stayed. And as I laid next to her sleeping form that entire night, I came to realize just how much I cared. I'm in love with Eunha.

1880.3.7

This is insane, I told myself I'd never fall for another woman again. After what I went through with Chaeyung, I just don't have it in me to love someone else that much again. Not only am I going to hurt myself but I've been hurting her, and I don't see myself changing again. The best thing right now is to just ignore her and ignore that feeling. I can't let it destroy us. I can't let it destroy her.

1880.3.13

I haven't seen her since that night and it's honestly driving me more insane than being around her does. I fucking miss her. And I'm hating myself for it. Why can't this feeling just go away? How long do I have to stay away before it vanishes? My chest hurts and nothing seems to relieve the pressure. It's also getting very hard to stay away since she's literally everywhere. Sometimes I just go to Seonghwa's quiet place, hoping she won't look for me there. I guess it's a good thing I can hear her coming before she knows I'm nearby.

1880.3.17

I can't believe I just did that. Seonghwa mentioned Jongho's training with Eunha and asked Yunho if he wanted to advise, and I just blurted out that I would do it. I couldn't stop myself and I didn't even realize I had said it out loud until they stared at me with confused eyes. I don't know what I'm more surprised about though, me volunteering or Seonghwa agreeing.

1880.3.20

What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait I already know the answer. Bin Eunha is what's wrong with me. She's completely polluted my thoughts, and now she's in my dreams. I've had the same hard-on for two days. I've tried getting rid of it but it just comes back. And all I can think about is being with her, being inside of her. Hearing what new noises I can drag from her. Inhaling her intoxicating scent. Tasting her. Fuck, I need to stop. I just want to stop thinking, and that only happens when she's wrapped around me and screaming my name. But as soon as I'm around her my heart starts racing and I know I'll slip something out because she's so determined. Gods forbid she ever gets her hands on this journal again, I'm ruined. I'll never hear the end of it.

1880.3.22

Tomorrow is Jongho's training and I'm nervous. And I'm not exactly sure why. I know it has everything to do with Eunha. But is it because I'm afraid of what I'll do or say around her? Or maybe it's just because I know her presence is the only thing that gives me any sort of peace. Also, since when has she been so close with Jongho? I didn't know he talked with her, let alone made a move. Or maybe she made the first move? Either option seems to irritate me the same.

1880.3.23

I shouldn't have done this to myself. Volunteering was a mistake Being near her was a mistake. All it did was piss me off watching Jongho make error after error because he was obviously distracted by her. And I can't believe I was jealous by it. And then Eunha got pissed at me for quitting, and of course she brought up the last night we spent together. She just won't let it go. And I'm beginning to think I don't want her to let it go.

1880.3.24

Well, last night was an interesting night. Jongho is no longer a virgin. And I can't say I wasn't proud of him. Of course I initiated the whole thing, and walked him through all the right and wrongs. But in all honesty, it just gave me a reason to touch her. And gods did I miss it. I missed her scent clouding my judgement. I missed the way her body leans into my touch, the way her moans sounded of a melody playing in my ears. I missed her smart mouth and defiant attitude. I fucking missed her. I didn't think about missing her because she was right in front of me the whole time, our eyes locked in deep stare. And it's never felt more right. But doing all that, being around her, has crumbled all the progress I've made. Who am I kidding? I've not made a damn centimeter of progress. At this point, fighting it seems more painful than giving in. 

1880.3.25

I really am an idiot. I fell for her, I finally started to somewhat accept the feelings I've come to cherish rather than loathe. And she married Seonghwa?? How did they even do that in a day? They came back with rings and everything. I mean, she said she planned on marrying all of us, which I won't lie, made my entire world change course. But I don't want to share her. And that doesn't make any sense because I've never felt that way before? Or maybe I have. That simmering feeling in the bottom of my stomach that's been growing over the last few months has been jealousy the entire time.

1880.3.27

Eunha is the most persistent person I've ever met. She thought she could tie me down with those pitiful gold restraints, I knew almost immediately it was fake gold. I didn't have to sit there as long as I did, but I was too busy enjoying the beautiful show she displayed, so I played into her game. And all of the events that unfolded from stealing her ring only proved that was the best decision I could make. I've always been an avid sex enjoyer, but never have I ever experienced something like that before. I went through every emotion possible all while I was inside of her. And I finally broke. I felt all four walls I've worked so hard to build crumble to her feet. It was a huge relief, like a mountain yanked off my shoulders. The first crack was hearing her say I love you. And I don't know how to tell her I love her, but I'm working on getting there soon.