Seventeenth

Kyungsoo

I remember it all feeling very surreal. I didn't know he'd react like that, let alone think it would be good idea for us to stop seeing each other entirely. I tried hard to understand where he was coming from, but I just couldn't. 

Now that my weekends were suddenly very open, so I spent some time at the hospital with Chen and Xiumin. Chen was making a steady recovery and was able to get up and walk around after only a few days of waking up. The doctors were still monitoring him closely in case things took a turn for the worst, but they predicted he would be able to go home soon if his condition kept improving.

"Have you even tried talking to him?" Chen asked me one day while I was visiting.

"No," I said as I shook my head and glanced down at the floor. "He won't even glance at me in school."

"I don't blame him," Xiumin said, making my head shoot up. "I'd be pretty pissed if you said all that shit to me."

"You guys, too?" I replied, looking at both of them in shock. "Is there something I'm not understanding? What about my reasoning was so bad? Am I not allowed to feel scared to go into a neighborhood after my friend got shot there?"

"No one is saying that, but I mean, you are kind of saying there is something about the way he grew up that you don't like by telling him you don't want to go over there anymore," Xiumin explained, still leaving me confused. "Okay, it's like this. Say I grew up in a 'bad' part of town and your parents never let you come over to my house. It would make me feel kind of bad, like they don't fully approve of me because of something I have no control over. So while you may have meant well and were just trying to express your boundaries, that's probably how it came off to Kai, which would hurt even more coming from you."

"Yeah and the fact that you don't see the problem probably pissed him off even more," Chen added after Xiumin finished. 

"So what, a-am I just supposed to apologize and brave through the fear? That doesn't seem as it simple as it sounds." I exhaled and crossed my arms over my chest. 

"Fair enough, but I'm sure he did that whenever he went over to your house. I'm sure it couldn't have been comfortable for him being somewhere he clearly wasn't welcome," Chen said, adjusting his laying position a little. 

My facial expression softened as I took their words in. I guess I never stopped to think about it that way because I didn't need to. I was privileged to grow up in a place where I didn't have to fear for my safety every time I stepped outside, but not everyone had that luxury. 

"Look, no one is saying you shouldn't have boundaries and that Kai shouldn't respect them, but I think you need reevaluate the real reason you said that stuff to him," Xiumin said, earning my attention again. "We're all just products of our environment, so it's understandable for you to not understand his angle, but it's the effort you put in that counts."

"Well, what can I do now? It's too late. He probably hates me," I whined, sighing heavily.

"No, it's not," said Xiumin. I lifted my head and met my eyes with his. "You can still apologize to him, but I think you need to really try to understand why he's upset better. That way your apology doesn't come off as insincere."

"Yeah and you need to stop listening to whatever your parents have to say about him," Chen interjected. "I have a feeling their influence has a lot to do with this."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What do you mean? I've never agreed with the way they judge people," I replied.

"And that's nice and all, but what I'm saying is subconsciously, their thoughts and opinions have rubbed off on you. It's nothing you can control, but if you can recognize it, you can start to weed out their voices, " he said. "I think you've gotten so comfortable just blindly obeying them that you're kind of blind to just how much control they have over you."

I realized then that Chen was right. All my life, my parents had told me everything I need to do and I never once stopped to question it. That was until I met Jongin. He changed the way I saw everything, so why was this situation any different? 

**********

It took me another few days to muster up the courage to talk to him again. I was pacing back and forth in my bathroom. I stopped and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was truly ashamed of myself, for letting my parents influence me so much but mostly for hurting Jongin, the person I loved. I entirely dismissed his experience because I couldn't see past mine. I was really no better than my parents in that instance.

But the more time I spent beating myself, the less time I would have to try and get him back. I needed to confront my parents for the very last time, though before I went to him. They needed to know that this subject was no longer up for debate.

I went downstairs and they were in the living room. They only took notice of me when I came to stand in front of the television.

"I need to tell you both something and you're going to listen and listen only," I said with a serious tone. They both looked at each other, confused, before turning their attention to me. "I love you guys, but this is the last time I'm going to say this. I love Kai. I'm in love with him and there's nothing you can do to change that. But because of your stupid voices in the back of my head, I hurt him. I made him think I wanted him to change when I love him just the way he is. And I don't know if I can ever fully forgive myself for that. All my life you've controlled me and I've just followed blindly, but I can't do that anymore. I need to live my own life and if you can't fully accept that for whatever reason, then that's something you need to work out yourselves."

After I finished, I headed straight to the front door, not wanting to give them any time to try and refute me. I walked all the way to his house at a rather fast pace, just thinking about what I would say and hoping it would be enough for him to forgive me. I knocked on the door once I reached his house and Jongin opened the door soon after, a heavy sigh immediately leaving his lips.

"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, or ever, but I need to talk to you," I pleaded. 

He just kept looking at me for a while before eventually stepping outside with me. He leaned against the door and crossed his arms over his chest. 

I swallowed nervously and cleared my throat before I started. "I am so so sorry for hurting you. It took me a few days admittedly, but I finally understand why you were so upset. But I didn't mean for anything I said to come off as me judging you or like I didn't like you for all you are. I know now that it was there even without my intention, though, so I am sorry. The truth is, as much as I try to not be like my parents, after just following their lead for so long, I kind of did turn out like them. But I want to be better, not just for myself but for you and Taeyoung. I want to be someone you can trust again."

Jongin looked at me with a blank expression for a while, not saying a word. "The more I thought about everything you said, the more pissed off I became," he said. I looked at him through shaky eyes. "You really fucking hurt me, which stings because I never thought you would, at least not like that. You know, when we first started spending time together, I had no idea that I'd fall in love with you. But there was something about you that made me feel happy. Something that made me feel safe and accepted. And the moment you started talking about how you didn't want come over anymore, all of that shattered. You became just like every other person I had met." He was now looking me right in my eyes and I felt a wave of fear come over me. "I know we're totally different people, but every time I told you I loved you, I meant it, Kyungsoo."

"I meant it too, Jongin, you know I meant it," I said, taking another step towards him.

"No, I don't know that. Not anymore," he said, his voice becoming shaky. I couldn't say anything as tears appeared in my eyes. "I was willing to put up with your parents o-or anyone else who thought we shouldn't be together. But then you just deduced our relationship to my shitty upbringing. You crushed me and you let me down. Do you even get that?"

"I do and I feel terrible about it," I replied as the tears made their way down my cheek one by one. "That's why I'm here, saying I'm sorry and telling you that I'm willing to try and be better. I don't care how long it takes or what you want me to do to prove that to you, but I'll do it."

Tears were quickly entering his eyes and he faced away from me for a moment to wipe his eyes.  "I'm fighting the urge to just forget all my common sense and responsibilities and just hold you right now," he said in a whispering voice, still not looking me in the eyes. "I want to just hug you and tell you everything will be alright, that it's okay and that I forgive you. But I haven't even convinced myself of that yet. I hate seeing you cry, but I need time to think about what's best for me and for Taeyoung." He sniffled and wiped his eyes again, facing me again. "I love you, but I don't think I can forgive you right now. I'm sorry," he said, speaking for the last time before going back inside. 

The door slammed shut after that and I started crying because I didn't know if it would ever open again.