Seventh

Kyungsoo

It's kind of crazy what unspoken feelings can do to a relationship. 

Things got really awkward between Jongin and I really fast following that afternoon. He didn't look at me, and when he did he'd always look away the moment I tried to look back. I found it strange, considering that nothing had actually happened between, nor did I think he wanted anything to happen between us. 

I was starting to think he was just embarrassed about me seeing those guys, catching a glimpse into what seemed like a very complicated home life. But it didn't feel like that. It was like I could almost feel some part of him trying to reach out but pulling away at the last second. 

It's not like I didn't understand his reasoning. Developing deeper feelings for each other was obviously never in the lesson plan and the timing wasn't great either. My parents expected me to spend every last second of time my free time on my education, and Jongin was busy practically raising his little sister. Neither of us were in a position to even be considering anything other than a friendship. 

But that didn't make it any easier to stop wanting more. 

Kai

And to think, it all started with stupid tutoring. 

Why did my eyes instantly move to his lips every time I looked at him? Why did I think about him even when he wasn't near me? Why did I want to be near him all the time? Never before in my life had I gotten close another guy and developed any kind of romantic feelings for him, so why him? Why Kyungsoo?

Being in love with another guy was not part of the plan. I didn't even have time for myself let alone an entire other relationship. And how would it affect Taeyoung? Would she understand? Would someone try to take her away because of it? Most of this situation was just so confusing that it made me want to just shove every feeling related to it so far down I would forget it was ever there.

But of course, that wasn't easy either.

Still, my teachers insisted I carry on with tutoring because they were afraid I would just fall off the wagon again if I stopped. We decided to stay after school one day and work in the library. We hadn't really talked much about anything non-school related, but the tension was hanging in the air, almost suffocating me. I knew we had to at least talk about it, even if at the end we both agreed to keep our feelings at bay.

"Can we talk?" I said somewhat suddenly. 

He stopped writing and glanced at me. "Do you need help with something?" he asked, the expression on his face difficult to read.

Sighing, I shook my head and shoved my schoolwork away. "No, I mean, can we talk about what's going on."

"W-What's going on?" he asked, setting his pencil down and sitting up a little.

"Do I really have to say it? I think you know."

"Yeah..." He exhaled and turned his face away. 

"I think we should be honest with each other...about everything," I said, noticing him look at me briefly out of the corner of my eye. "I can't lie and say I don't like you, probably more than I should. I just don't know if we should do anything about it...or what we should do if we did."

"Well, usually when two people like each other, they date," Kyungsoo said, his response unintentionally making me chuckle. "I can see why you would think doing that wouldn't be a good idea, though. We both have a lot going on and trying to deal with that would just be added stress."

"Right, which we don't need at all," I replied.

"Right." A silence passed between us for a while before he spoke up again. "But I-I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to trying it...if that's something you wanted too, that is." Chewing on one of my fingernails, I slowly turned to look at him as he was doing the same. 

"Y-You wouldn't?" 

"No. B-But only if you want to. I'm obviously not gonna force anything. If you want to just be friends or acquaintances or whatever, that's fine too." 

I looked away. Did I want to? I didn't know. What I did know was that I felt like I would regret trying somehow, like if we didn't at least seize the opportunity while it was there, it would hang over my head for the rest of my life.

"Maybe I would be," I said slowly. Kyungsoo looked at me. "But I've never really dated anyone, so I might not be good at it."

He laughed a little, taking his glasses off and setting on top of his notebook. "I think as long as you don't act like an asshole you should be fine," he said. 

"I think you underestimate how much of an asshole I can be," I replied with a small grin, making him laugh again. 

Our eyes met and as much as I wanted to look away, I somehow couldn't. I didn't break our gaze as we leaned in more, even when we were literally a few inches from each other. I hesitantly lifted my hand, placed it on his cheek, and pulled his face closer to mine, feeling his anxious breaths bouncing off my face. I swallowed the lump in my throat quickly and shut my eyes tightly as I pressed my lips against his. 

I began shaking a little, but when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist as he kissed me back, it seemed to stop. I started to relax as our lips moved together in perfect harmony. I pulled away for air after a minute or so, leaving my forehead against his. I finally opened my eyes and he smiled faintly.

"Wow," he said, clearing his throat but sounding slightly out of breath. "I don't know how first kisses are supposed to go, but I would say that was pretty good."

I chuckled, watching as our fingers laced together. "Yeah, it was pretty alright," I said. Kyungsoo let out a brief laugh and left the smile on his face. 

"So does this mean we're trying this?" he asked carefully. I moved back a little, just kind of gazing at him. 

Did I know if this would work out? Did I know if this would blow up in our faces by the end? No. But don't they say it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all?