【Lord of Mysteries】Back to the Past (1)

【诡秘之主】回到过去

https://itisduya.lofter.com/post/1ccb535b_2b752e274

(1)

Copywriter:

"The organization has decided, so you guys should carry out this mission."

Instructions for consumption: 1. Short hits, no CP, and messy stories about fellow villagers.

2. It is full of jokes and spoofs, please don't take it seriously. Funny is the first priority.

3. The inspiration comes from Pinduoduo's "Kan Yi Dao". I thought about it, Pinduoduo can have multiple people cut a knife together, so why can't we do the task together? (Manually funny)

0.

The story begins in a beautiful cafe.

The cafe standing on Regent Street looks just like its neighbors: spacious, bright, magnificent and elegant. It is the kind of shop that would make you doubt your wallet at first sight - in fact, this cafe is already the most approachable one on the street.

However, the flow of people in front of such a cafe with a great location, good decoration and affordable prices is not only sparse - it has reached a level that passers-by will make a big detour to avoid it.

"...It's the kind of thing that makes people wonder if the boss is doing charity, and it feels like he can't even make back the rent."

The young guide, who was now acting as a local tour guide, said this to his guest. The next second, realizing that the guest did not like such teasing, he immediately changed his words.

"Of course, of course, it's more than that. This is a very special cafe in itself."

"How do you know?"

His customer asked him using a strange but recently popular new word. The young man was stunned, his eyes subconsciously drifted to the sign, his expression was a little complicated, he lowered his voice and whispered to the customer.

"Well... I heard that this cafe also provides some 'special services'."

As he spoke, the boy raised his hands and made a gesture that was a bit obscene, full of sexual innuendo, and would not be surprising to any adult.

"I thought this business was still legal in Backlund."

"Of course. I mean, if it's just a female branch girl, it can't be called special."

The young man looked around again and made sure that no one was paying attention to them. He then moved a little closer to the man and spoke in a voice that was almost like a whisper to this generous customer who specifically asked to come to this cafe.

"I mean, supposedly they prefer men."

His customer's expression became more complicated. He looked up at the very long store name on the sign. There were a string of symbols above and below the store name, which seemed to be decorated with some carefully designed patterns.

That is a language that is no longer in use in this world, and it is only thanks to these last few survivors that it has managed to survive and not become a dead language.

Translated, it means:

1.

——Welcome to the Big Bird Bar. (1)

2.

Twenty minutes later. Big Bird was walking around the bar. Because of its reputation as a gay bar, the bar, which was usually deserted, was now bustling with people. A group of people wearing black cloaks, who seemed to have traveled back from a cult, were fighting each other on a physical level.

"So why is Big Bird spinning around?"

"Why else? To commemorate our past."

"...When you say that, it reminds me of the unfinished game in Cyberpunk 2077. Don't say it, I'm about to cry." (1)

"No way, no way, there won't be anyone who hasn't even finished 2077 in 20XX!"

"I feel like my reputation is being persecuted... I'm straight!"

"Dude, have you forgotten that you have changed your gender? Being straight after changing your gender is also a kind of gay, okay?"

"So why is a cafe called a bar?"

"Ara-na-ka~"

"No gay! No gay friends!"

In the chaos, no one noticed that someone had cautiously looked through the window, his expression gradually became terrified, and then he ran in another direction.

——That is the direction of the Church of the Goddess of Night.

3.

"Goddess, are you reporting that there is a gathering of cultists inside Backlund?"

"Yes! I can swear! They are definitely cultists!"

The informant presented evidence frantically. It was rare to meet such a responsible informant - the key point was that he didn't ask about the reward - but the Night Watchman's expression gradually became stiff.

Strange language, crazy behavior, not only gestures but also sound and light effects when speaking, and the physical sense of going from being a group to being a whole...

"Excuse me for interrupting you. Is the place you reported a bar on Regent Avenue? I mean, a cafe?"

"Yes. How do you know? Are they the ones that the church is already monitoring and observing?"

The informant had a proud look on his face, saying, "I am indeed very wise." The Night Watcher's expression had already frozen. The next second, he pulled out a rune that was too heavy, as heavy as a brick, from his pocket, raised his hand and slapped it, sending the kind-hearted citizen to sleep.

"What's wrong?"

The colleague who came to take over heard the noise and poked his head in. He looked curious. The night watchman holding the brick wiped his face with his free hand.

"nothing."

He said in a muffled voice.

"It's just that the Church of Fools has been reported again."

"...How many times has this happened this week?" His colleague said in a scowl, "Can't those people from the Church of Fools be more careful? Too much invalid information can be a headache. Why are you changing your clothes?"

"This time it's valid information."

The night watchman had a heavy look on his face. He stuck out his butt, took out a large black cloak from the secret cabinet under the table, which was exactly the same as the one witnessed by the informant, and responded loudly.

"He reminded me! I forgot to go to the meeting!"

4.

Anyway, the old man who was cooing was still waiting, and the old man who was late might not come at all. Anyway, by the time the weirdos in the Big Bird bar finally sat down and had a normal conversation, the time had already gone from the agreed 9am to 2pm.

"It's totally unexpected."

The host recalled the glorious days of the past with a sad face.

"Every time I dated someone offline, it was always like this, with one thing standing out."

"Coo, scoo ...

The black-robed man sitting at the first table said this, imitating the pigeon's call perfectly. After he finished calling, he rolled his eyes.

"Honestly, Lao Wang, stop going off topic. Let's get to the point."

"Yes, yes, let's get to the point. How are the things we applied for?"

"Can you guys behave yourself?" Lao Wang was still struggling: "How can I trust you with this attitude? You have no organization and no discipline!"

"Please be kind." Another person said, "Aren't we just an unorganized and undisciplined group of netizens?"

As he spoke, he raised his hand and used fluorescent silk thread to weave a real spider web for everyone. This attracted applause from the crowd: not because this simple trick could fool everyone, but mainly because they were indeed all netizens.

Just imagine, hanging on the Internet (physics), sleeping in a cocoon, and even the first golden finger I got after coming down was from the fellow villager forum... If not a netizen, what is it?

"...That makes a lot of sense."

Lao Wang said this after a long silence. Then, he put on a stern face, took the attitude of arranging tasks before crossing, looked around at the netizens (in the physical sense) present, and spoke loudly.

"The organization has decided, so you guys should carry out this mission."

Before he finished speaking, a voice of objection came from below.

"I have an opinion!"

"What?" Lao Wang lost his composure in a second: "Didn't you apply for the mission yourself? You chose the reward yourself! Do you want me to recall what oaths you made for this mission reward? From being willing to sacrifice your life to not giving up even a single death—"

"Our resolve has not changed."

"What do you think?"

"But our determination was tarnished!" the man shouted, "You chose a gay bar as the meeting place. You insulted my sexual orientation!"

"?" Lao Wang was so angry that he almost laughed: "Forget about others, but aren't you a gay, Big B?!"

Everyone nodded in agreement. Indeed, everyone on the Internet knew Big B's sexual orientation. After all, he would quietly appear in all the posts and send a string of mysterious text: Are you there? Is there a 1?

"So what!" Big B stood still: "Why do you assume my gender?"

In the original world, some stupid netizens would start to sigh that this punch runs through the past and present. But now they are in an unscientific magic world, so when they heard this, the friend sitting next to Big B was shocked.

"...You changed from a hunter to a witch?!"

He said so, and the next second, he changed the subject.

"Can you please give your brothers some refreshment first?"

Following his crazy speech, a group of people stretched out their claws to Big B, determined to see how beautiful this new witch is.

5.

Then a real man was revealed.

"Male...appearance cannot prove gender! Don't touch my balls!"

After a round of chaos, Lao Wang reluctantly pulled the building back. He took a deep breath.

"0... I mean B, can you just tell me what you want?"

"My meaning is very simple."

Big B said so. Lao Wang nodded kindly.

"Okay, okay, please go ahead."

"——you have to pay extra."

Lao Wang paused for a second after nodding, he was silent for a moment, and then showed a more amiable smile.

"0, let me tell you, young people, you can't always think about taking. You need to give more. Only by giving can you improve yourself..."

"Toxic chicken soup is out of fashion, I tell you."

Big B retreated back vigilantly, and then again. Just when he was about to be crushed back to the circle of netizens, Lao Wang suddenly changed his expression and retreated quickly.

"They agreed! Send them on their way!"

The faces of the netizens sitting in the middle changed in an instant. In an instant, all kinds of life-saving skills were used. Twenty or so people ran around like chickens whose nest was poked - and then they were trapped inside by the curtains that gradually rose from all around them.

Only Lao Wang was still waving at them outside the curtain.

"The organization will remember your sacrifice!——"

"——Bullshit! Pay more!"

6.

Thus, an unprecedented time travel plan was launched. At this historic moment, a total of 24 time travelers obviously had something to say.

"No, why am I the only one here?"

He opened his eyes and closed them again, and found himself stuck in the ground like a carrot. It took him a long time to pull himself out. The first thing he felt was despair. He looked around, and all he saw was a barren wasteland.

"Witch-sama? Mother-0? Where are you?!"

He called out like this, but he didn't expect any response - according to the time travel rules given at the beginning of the mission, they didn't carry any magical items to prevent historical conflicts. Even the forum, which is considered a basic skill for every time traveler, was taken away. There was really no way to contact each other.

Just as the brother was thinking about the next solution, he heard a harsh noise.

[Hello——? Hello? Can you hear me? Senior!]

"Don't use FGO memes at this time!" The brother who was called senior said angrily: "I don't have a light screen, nor an infinite flow watch, where are you? Do you expect me to have a radar in my brain?"

[No joke, we are all here, don't be afraid, no one is lost. ]

Another voice joined the conversation, but it did not reduce the brother's nervousness.

"You mean, if you're all 23 together, losing me won't count?"

[No, I mean, the twenty-four of us are together.] Another older sister joined the conversation. [But it was actually presented in this way... How interesting.]

Soon, a fellow tech geek joined the conversation. But for the guy who was thrown into the wasteland and had to be a carrot by himself——

"What the hell is this? Can you guys stop arguing in my head?" He cursed and covered his head, "I have a headache! This is much scarier than the whispers of evil gods!"

"I don't deserve it, I don't deserve it—No, how do you know what it feels like to hear the evil god whisper?"

"Bullshit, I, Aurora, can do it, how could I not know it?!"

"..."

After a brief silence, the remaining twenty-three people had a brief encrypted conversation and reached a consensus.

Rather than killing the Aurora Brother who is not that dangerous, I feel it is better to make use of the waste.

7.

[Hey, hey, hey, is the boss of the Aurora Club still here? ]

So they made a very sincere voice.

[Boss, save Qiuqiu. Can you give each of us a body first? ]

"Okay, okay - no, what do you mean by pinching a body?"

The elder brother of the Aurora Society agreed readily, but then stopped abruptly. He looked at the mouth on his palm, which was still shouting to save the child. Suddenly, for the first time, he felt that he didn't really understand his own body that well, and -

"Wow, are you blueberry yogurt? I'm not going to be Yuji Itadori, I'm telling you!"

Perhaps his first reaction was to complain rather than to lose SAN because it was too awesome. The fellow villagers who shared the same body with him fell into a brief silence again. After a while, a trembling voice sounded.

[Um, I also like blueberry yogurt... But what is Yuji Koji? Are there any Japanese people among us? ]

【Don't you watch new shows? 】

Someone asked, just before he signed up and started selling Amway, the guy who asked the question asked back very straightforwardly.

【Isn't animation only for children? 】

8.

Five minutes into the mission to go back to the past, the 24-member team lost one person, leaving 23 survivors.

9.

"This is Oki fanfiction! Anyone who isn't from the second dimension, get out!"

The elder sister, who almost quit the mission with her brother Xian Chong, said that if she hurt the enemy by 1,000, she would lose 800 of her own money. She was responded by a round of applause.

In order to create the effect of applause, the brother from the Aurora Club specially pinched a few more hands.

10.

"The rest are absolutely loyal." The grumpy sister said, "Let's get back to the mission."

At this time, they had wasted half a day. In the past twelve hours, this group of brothers and sisters tried various ways to make a few bodies for everyone to use, but ultimately failed. At this moment, everyone had to accept that they had to take turns to work.

"It's okay, it's okay. We all have experience with this kind of thing."

A gentle brother comforted others:

"Just think of it as the twenty-four of us training one account."

"I sincerely invite 23 brothers to chop the chop with me, right?" Someone was still speechless: "What top-level Pinduoduo? This thing doesn't need to have a long history, okay?"

"I don't have a choice anyway, so I might as well accept it." The famous 'Is there 1?' is quite open-minded. "My requirements are very low. When it's my turn to go to the toilet or take a shower, don't peek!"

"How could someone spy on you using the toilet and taking a shower? Do you think we are all perverts?"

"I dare not say anything else." Big B said confidently: "From a biological point of view, aren't the brothers of the demon path and the monster path completely abnormal?"

"..."

Damn, there is no way to refute this!

11.

"Anyway, let's get out of here first. Does anyone know how to use the stars to find their way? Raise your hand if you can."

Before he finished speaking, the Aurora Club elder brother fell to the ground. Not only did he raise his extra hands, but even his two feet were raised by the elder brothers who didn't grab any hands. In addition, he was still struggling, and at this moment he was like a reader squirming on the bed.

"... I think we need a proper vote."

The man who asked the question was speechless. Another man immediately took over.

"Me, me, me. I studied programming. Let me give it a try."

"Oh, may I ask if you are a C++ guy or a JAVA guy?"

"Neither. I write WeChat mini programs."

"?"

The brother from the Aurora Club slowly typed a question mark.

"Oh, the night sky is so beautiful, folks. Let's talk about regulating the right to use our bodies first."

"What's there to talk about?" Someone complained, "At first glance, brothers are all free."

"Then if you try to flirt with girls when you get the job, I'll use the Monkey Stealing Peach and the Thousand Year Killing on you."

"...Good regulations, everyone's privacy should be protected! I support you!"

12.

"No, you guys have been off track for a long time."

Someone suddenly remembered something.

"Now that we have the stars in our sight and the direction we are in, what exactly is our mission?"

"Don't you know?"

"Should I know?"

"Don't worry, family. I have a memo."

The brother who was about to look through the memo suddenly paused and fell silent. The other brothers and sisters asked quickly.

"What's wrong? Is the mission difficult?"

"Don't be afraid, brother. The twenty-three of us can be as good as six point twenty-three Zhuge Liangs! Stay steady! As long as we stay steady, we'll be fine!"

"I'm not worried about that." The memo brother said sadly, "I just suddenly remembered that the memo thing is an additional function of the forum..."

— and now they're disconnected.

13.

Three seconds later, cries and screams resounded through the sky, scaring away small animals within a three-mile radius, and at the same time attracting not-so-small animals. The loudest one among them screamed:

"Ahhhh, I only ate half of yesterday's melon, and the scumbag said he would prove himself tonight. I've been waiting for a week for this big twist!!!"

14.

"Don't panic, don't panic."

The grumpy older sister, who had recovered her breath, soothed him.

"I still remember the mission. Let me think about it. I remember it was to save Crane."

"That's easy." Someone breathed a sigh of relief: "We Russians are the best at protecting hostages."

"Are you sure that you are good at protecting hostages and not killing them?"

Beyond this dialogue, someone is also thinking.

"Save one person to save the world? Are we reading Qidian harem stories or Jinjiang romance stories?"

"Think more broadly. It can also be a BL novel."

"Danmei literature is good, Danmei literature is good."

"No gay! No gay!"

"What is BL literature... Okay, I understand, stop talking."

15.

In a crooked building, someone also asked a soul-searching question.

"Who the hell is Klein?" (2)

Notes: (1): Big Bird Bar: A famous venue in Cyberpunk 2077, a gay bar.

(2): Who the hell is Bucky? A famous Marvel meme.

Feng Ya has something to say: I hope everyone likes this story 23333, and I also hope that Ya can do it this time. It will be the best, the worst at best, and it will definitely be finished, it will definitely be finished (muttering over and over again)