Chapter 35

"What? A plane ticket? For where?" He asked. I sighed but kept my eyes closed.

"Denver, Grand Junction, Montrose, I don't care just to Colorado." I said feeling a tad panicked. I opened my eyes. I suddenly was feeling too overwhelmed being here, in a different place, with a lot of people. I didn't dare look at Kendall.

"Is this because you think I'm cheating? Sophia, you've got to be kidding me. You know I'm not that kind of guy. You know that! Soph, look at me!" Kendall yelled. I felt tears rush to my eyes. I wasn't happy. I've been masking this for a long time coming. I haven't been happy for a long time. Since birth.

"No, I'm not happy Kendall. I'm sad. I'm depressed. You helped me be happy for a good portion of this year, but I'm so unhappy. I've been unhappy for a long time. I'm surrounded by people who don't know me like they think they do. I'm surrounded by people I have known for such short periods of time and they are already like family to me, isn't that weird to you? I put on this act of happiness for you. Because I love you, but I'm not happy. I'm not the tough headed, smart girl you think I am. I'm just... Broken." I said with tears welling up in my eyes, as my heart raced. My heart literally felt like it was going to explode from the heart breaking realization of depression. Kendall shook his head with such a sad look on his face. His mouth was at a loss for words. We stood in sadness for what seemed like forever until his hands raised and cupped my hair to my head as he stared into my eyes.

"Sophia, why didn't you tell me? What can I do? You should've told me sooner. I'm going to help you. Please. I'm here for you. Please just talk to me." He pleaded. I shook my head. I couldn't let him help, because I didn't know what he could help with honestly. I didn't know what was wrong with me.

"I don't know Kendall. I never knew myself until I stood here out of reality and thought about it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong at all. I'm just sad." I said letting a few tears fall. He shook his head.

"You're not going to Colorado alone." Kendall said in a sure tone. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. If I actually wanted to go there anymore.

"I'm so sad all of a sudden Kendall." I said wiping tears from my face as Kendall let go of my face and grabbed my hands so he could wipe my tears away.

"Oh my God, did you just do it?!" Carlos asked excitedly walking over behind us with the rest of our friends. Kendall shook his head.

"No, we are talking though." Kendall said as I hid my face while looking out towards the water. I took a step to face my whole body at the waves.

"Soph, you okay?" James's voice asked. I sniffed and held up a thumbs up to them.

"Alright, but we should check into our hotel." Alexa assured us. "Soph, you wanna come with me to the bathroom in this little shop over here?" She asked. I felt rushed like I needed to move from this very spot. I didn't want to. I stood silently, looking at my feet.

"No, I don't. I want to stay with Kendall at the moment." I said shooting Kendall a glance. He looked like he could cry even.

"Can you guys just give us a minute?" Kendall asked them. They all nodded I assumed and started back towards the little town.

"Kendall, I'm sorry." I told him. He closed his own eyes.

"Maybe you and I need to stay in today. We can check into our room, shower, get changed into dry and comfortable clothes, and sit and just talk. If you want?" Kendall asked me, then opening his eyes and gesturing towards where the others walked. I sighed and took a breath.

"I think we need to." I told him wiping my face again, but I knew my eyes would cry more soon. He nodded agreeing with me. He offered me his hand cautiously. I took it. I felt better with his hand in mine. We followed the others foot prints to the van where they waited sipping coffee. I automatically got in the van to save confrontation as Kendall told the rest that we weren't going to be going with them the rest of the day.

"Okay, here we go!" James said getting in the front before anyone else. He shot me a glance in the rear view before smiling and then putting his seat belt on. The rest filed in with Kendall sitting next to me. We drove a good two miles to the hotel we had a reservation at. We all went in as no one made eye contact or spoke to me, except James who smiled and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. This was a little worrying, what did Kendall tell them?

"Let's go upstairs." Kendall said grabbing our suitcase and we headed towards the elevators where we went up alone as the other stayed and waited for their own room keys.

"What did you tell them?" I asked Kendall. He sighed as the elevator doors opened and we stepped out and started walking down the hallway.

"They care so much about you, so I told them a short version. You weren't feeling very good, you were upset and we needed to talk. They all immediately thought you were pregnant, but James figured it out and blurted it out to the rest of them. He said that you were unhappy since he met you and he thought this day should've happened a long time ago." Kendall said not looking at me, as I held my arms across my chest. We opened our door to the hotel room. We opened the suitcase in silence and he handed me my pajamas and toiletries bag. I jumped in the shower in a numb state, doing a routine activity that I didn't have to think for. I finished and put on my pajamas. I walked into the room to see Kendall with his head in his hands sitting on the edge of the bed. I dropped my clothes from earlier onto the suitcase as Kendall looked up with tears on his face. He grabbed his clothes quickly, jumped up and passed me with a sniff. He closed the door and then I heard the shower turn on. I sat numbly on the couch that was pushed against the wall opposite the bed. I sat with my knees to my chest. My eyes wandered the bedroom. I hurt inside. I shouldn't have said anything. Kendall was in pain now that I told him I was. I closed my eyes and let tears fall down. What was I doing? This was suppose to be a happy time for us! I ruined it with my sadness coming to surface. I started hysterically crying.

I hadn't noticed the water shut off in the bathroom, so all I felt was arms around me suddenly. I smelled his pajama shirt as I buried my face in his chest. He held me for what seemed like hours. "Baby, please tell me what's hurting you." He cried after I calmed down a bit. But hearing his sadness and hearing his cries made my heart break.

"Don't cry!" I said pulling away to look at him. He had tears in his eyes. I wiped his face away. He shook his head.

"Please just tell me what's wrong." He begged almost. I let tears from again in my eyes.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." I whispered. He shook his head.

"You know, you're just not telling me." Kendall said so sad I felt the pain in his voice pierce my heart. I shook my head.

"If I knew, I wouldn't be making you go through this. I would be telling you so I could fix this. I don't know, Kendall." I said taking a breath and sitting up. He sat up straight for a second and then out his face in his hands with his elbows resting on his knees. He wiped his face and then sat up. He turned to face me while taking both my hands into his.

"We both need to breathe." He said calm now. It was amazing how he went from one emotion to a calmer one so quickly.

"Okay." I agreed. We both took breaths at the same time and then looked one another in the eyes.

"I think we need to talk about why you're upset and depressed." He said to start off. I nodded.

"I don't know why I'm sad really, I mean, I've felt it since I was in California, and then meeting you was enough to calm the sadness, but then losing you for that time period was heart breaking." I whispered looking down at our hands in his lap.

"But I'm with you now." He said as if it was that easy.

"I know and I don't see where I'd be without you, if I'd be anywhere." I said honestly in a hardly audible voice.

"Why were you sad, besides because of me?" I heard Kendall whisper quietly. I shrugged unsure.

"I've always been pretty introverted. My parents don't really count as parents because it's not even like I'm their kid. And it sucks. It honestly sucks." I said tearing up. "And now on this trip, I see how sad I really am because you guys are the family I never had and I've been so deprived." I said closing my eyes again as tears started falling. Kendall sighed.

"Is that why? Sophia, you don't have to worry about your parents. You will be fine without them. Look at how far you've come from being alone all this time? You're perfect. You're gorgeous, inside and out." He said in disbelief. I looked up at him. He looked so much more at ease which eased me too. "Why'd you want to go back there? They obviously don't care and we do. We can be your family. My family will be your family now." Kendall said offering. I smiled sadly, feeling a little better but it'll be long before I'm ever whole again. I never realized how much damage my parents had really done. I was a complete loner my whole life and then I'm somehow this outgoing person in a flash? It was too good to be true. My break down was bound to happen.

"Kendall, I haven't even met your family. It's not the same. Everyone we are on this trip with has their own family's. They all have parents who care and siblings. You have two brothers and two parents that care about you. I have literally no one." I said upset once again.

"You don't need anyone who doesn't need you. I need you. I want you. I want you to be mine forever. Why can't you understand that?!" Kendall asked so infuriated, not with me but I assumed with our situation. I reached up to caress his cheek in my hand.

"Okay." I whispered. I needed to stop being so selfish all of a sudden. I needed to be kind to Kendall, because he was my best friend and he was now my only family. He's the only thing that matters now and if he's upset I'm upset. So I needed to straighten my act up.