Bittersweet

TW: Somewhat graphic mentions of blood/self-harm

✰✰✰✰✰

It turns out, that Dazai happened to be an absolute beast at Minecraft. He claimed not to have played since he was 10 but Chuuya highly doubted that.

"Fuck, Dazai!" Chuuya shouted at the screen, "I fell in lava!"

Dazai laughed as he watched his teammate plummet into lava.

"Help me!" Chuuya glared at Dazai who only shook his head. Chuuya almost threw his controller at the screen when it turned red and said; "Chuuyagames69 tried to swim in lava."

"And that," Dazai turned to Chuuya smugly, "Is why I kept all of our spare diamonds on me, and not you."

Chuuya slumped back on the couch sulking, "I hate this game."

"I thought you said you loved it?"

Chuuya dropped the controller on the cushion next to him, "Well now I hate it."

"Cheer up," Dazai smirked, "I can continue on our legacy."

Chuuya sighed, "Go for it," he said standing up, "I'm hungry."

"No stay!" Dazai laughed at Chuuya's sulking, "We can play something else."

Chuuya slumped to the floor, crossing his legs beneath him, "What's the point? I'm exhausted."

Dazai shrugged, "Then sleep."

"No, it's only nine o'clock," Chuuya groaned.

"Jesus Christ you are harder to take care of than my little brother," Dazai rolled his eyes and turned the TV off.

"You take good care of him," Chuuya said pulling at the hem of his shorts, "Your brother, I mean."

Dazai nodded ruefully, "It's been like that since I was a kid, when he was born his Mom dumped him with my Dad and then she ran off to LA."

"She ran off?" Chuuya asked, "But I thought you said Atsushi was with his Mom now?"

"He is," Dazai explained, "His Mom returned when he was 6 because she fell bankrupt and demanded we let her take him for a night a week. Atsushi wasn't too pleased with the arrangement but he's settling in a lot more."

The face of Chuuya's mother flashed past his mind, "Yeah that sounds like someone I know."

Dazai stared off reminiscently, almost as if he hadn't heard him, "He's a good kid. Really. He didn't grow up in the best place so I can only hope my efforts weren't in vain." Dazai smiled slightly, "Whenever my Dad was between jobs, sometimes the power would go out during the night. Atsushi would be so scared, he would run to me and we would hide under my covers with a flashlight. I would tell him stories, often about my Mom. For a while I let him believe we had the same mother, it was easier for him that way. I figured it was better for him to feel grief rather than confusion. At least that way he could have believed his mother loved him."

A stab of empathy coursed through Chuuya's body. "I understand him. I actually understand how he feels," The redhead thought, "That bittersweet feeling of love." The pain in Chuuya's chest grew to the size of an apple as it rose and stuck in his throat.

Before his mind could tell him to stop, before any ounce of common sense could reach his brain, Chuuya had crawled onto the couch, sat beside Dazai, and tilted his face. Kissing the brunette right there, on the couch.

For a brief moment, this feeling of warm familiarity spread through Dazai's body, Chuuya's soft lips were so gentle and light, that it felt like kissing pure sunlight. But as he reached his hand up to meet Chuuya's face his fingertips turned cold.

"No, Chuuya," Dazai's hand moved down to Chuuya's shoulder and pushed him away, "I can't."

Chuuya's face turned hurt, "You can't?" Chuuya blinked when Dazai nodded, "So you're fine when we fuck but the moment I try to kiss you you freak out."

"It's not like that," Dazai squeezed his hand into a fist, fingernails digging into his palm, the cold feeling still resonating, "You know how I feel about you, I can't let you think I like you that way."

"This is so fucking confusing for me!" Chuuya's voice raised to a shout, "One moment you desperately want me, then the next you can't stand to look at me! One moment you care for me, then the next you leave!"

"Chuuya-"

"You don't care what this means for me! You have no idea what I've sacrificed and how difficult this is for me! You know nothing!"

"I know enough!" Dazai was now also shouting, "And I'm trying my best, I'm trying to keep us both happy like I always do! You may not want to accept it but I care about you, Chuuya! Whether we're fucking or not!"

"Then why did I cry the first time we did it?!" Chuuya cried out, "If you truly cared you would know!"

"I-"

"You don't know! Do you?!" Chuuya desperately wiped his eyes, his heart pounding violently with anger he didn't even know he possessed, "Get out."

"Chuuya let's talk-"

"No." He spoke over him, "Please just get out."

Dazai's mouth gaped open and closed for a moment before he swore and stood up, striding to the front door and slamming it shut behind him.

The moment he was alone, Chuuya slumped back onto the couch. Where he was previously crying, he now felt empty, staring down at his arm where he hadn't even realized he'd scratched long, angry red marks into his pale skin.

"Hey kiddo," Margaret cautiously entered the room, her voice, which would usually be filled with joking sarcasm, was soft and concerned, "Everything alright?"

Chuuya scoffed half-heartedly, "No," he sniffed hugging the cushion beside him, "I assume you heard everything?"

Margaret smiled slightly, "Yeah, it was pretty heated."

"I'm sorry," Chuuya sighed, thinking he was about to receive a scolding.

"Oh, honey," Margaret sat beside the boy and wrapped her arm around him, "You're seventeen, I'd be concerned if you weren't having fun and sleeping with hot guys."

Chuuya's cheeks flashed red and he buried his face in the cushion.

"But..." Margaret continued, "Then again, I can tell it's not the safest and kindest relationship."

Chuuya shrugged, "I guess yeah."

"You guess?" Margaret said sternly, "You two were shouting so loudly I'm pretty sure the kitchen counter started shaking."

"Yeah maybe you're right," Chuuya slumped back further on the couch.

"But you're in love with him, aren't you?" Margaret smiled when she saw the look of alarm on Chuuya's face, "I'm a lesbian, I can read gay people well, and I can tell that this boy, whoever he may be, means an awful lot to you."

Chuuya ran a hand over his face, "Is it obvious?"

Margaret shrugged, "To me, yeah."

Chuuya bit down on his lip, "Please don't tell Louisa, she'll worry too much."

Margaret pursed her lips and thought about this for a moment, "Okay fine, but you better not get seriously hurt. Mentally or physically." She ordered sternly.

Chuuya smiled and nodded, "Of course, thank you."

Margaret opened her arms for a hug, "Come here."

Chuuya collapsed into her arms, pressing into the familiar warm scent as Margaret kissed the top of his head.

"You're such a good kid, you deserve the best. I just wish you knew it."

✰✰✰✰✰

Its safe to say Chuuya didn't sleep well that night. And not just because of the sweltering heat that circled his room, but because of his guilty conscience that ate away at his tired brain. "Did I overreact? Dazai was only setting boundaries. Then again he had been very confusing regarding very serious things. How could you fuck someone senseless and then recoil when they kiss you? It's so confusing and frustrating it makes me wanna slam my head into a wall."

Chuuya figured the best thing to do was to discuss it with the brunette the next day at school. But as 2nd period English came and went, there was no sign of Dazai. Even during break, Chuuya searched the toilets, the basketball courts, and every corner of every hallway, but still there was no sign of him. He even asked Akutagawa who replied with a simple, silent shrug, clearly not giving two shits about Chuuya.

Eventually, he was so hopeless by the second break, that Chuuya had gone to the front office in a last desperate search for his estranged nemesis.

"Excuse me, Miss?" Chuuya asked the lady at the front desk, "Could you possibly tell me if a particular student is present today?"

The lady looked up through her rectangular spectacles that were balanced on her crooked nose and regarded Chuuya with disinterest, "Name?"

"Chuuya Nakahara," He replied.

The lady raised her eyebrows tiredly, "Not your name, the name of the student."

"Oh," Chuuya wanted to dig a hole and die there, "Dazai Osamu."

The Lady clicked her tongue and turned to her computer- that Chuuya was sure was made before he was born- and tapped away at the keyboard, turning back to Chuuya with a shrug, "He didn't show today."

Chuuya nodded, thinking, "Thanks." After getting no reply Chuuya left, not just the office, but the school.

Chuuya was never the type to skip school, or class even, he hated getting in trouble, it made him feel useless. But that day was different, that day he slung his backpack over his shoulder and strode out the school gates without even looking back.

✰✰✰✰✰

It was a decently far walk to Dazai's house, which is why he didn't walk, instead, he took the bus, slumping against one of the painfully uncomfortable seats and tugging at his t-shirt. Although it was significantly cooler today, the inside of the bus was stuffy and cluttered with people who looked at him not too kindly as if to say, "Shouldn't you be in school?" Chuuya just ignored them, focusing on calling Dazai's cell and then not being too surprised when no one answered. So he sent a couple of strongly worded text messages to remind the Brunette that ignoring him isn't helping anyone, before shutting off his phone and staring glumly out the window.

When Chuuya finally arrived at Dazai's, he gritted his teeth angrily at the sight of Dazai's stupid red car parked in the driveway. He paced up the pavement, thrumming his fist against the front door.

"Dazai come on," He shouted, "Let's talk."

There was no reply.

"Dazai!" He shouted, glancing through the window at the kitchen, frowning when he saw the lights on, "I know you're home! Please!" He bit down on his lip, reaching for the door handle, "Just go in, how many times has Dazai entered your house uninvited?"

He stepped inside, the house creaking quietly as he walked the length of the entrance hallway.

"Dazai," Chuuya called out quietly one final time. There was a scuffle and thump coming from down the hall and Chuuya followed the sound, pushing away the thought that the house with its seeping roof and paling walls somewhat reminded him of a haunted house.

He figured that if Dazai was anywhere he would be in his room, which is where he went, surprised to find the door swung out in front of him.

It's hard to describe in words what Chuuya saw in that very moment, but the closest correlation he could make was to that of a crime scene. 

Clothing was strewn in angry piles across the floor, the drawer that once held them was thrown carelessly against a wall, the wooden boards splitting and splintering. The neck of Dazai's guitar was snapped, and holding on only by the few strings that remained. The dresser that once housed the photographs the brunette treasured was tipped on its side, the photo frames cast and shattered across the ground by his feet, sharp shards of glass glittering like stars against the dark floor.

Then moving his already frightened gaze upwards, Chuuya's eyes caught against brown eyes that blinked closed for a moment, the same brown as his hair, a stark contrast against the blood that seeped in delicate yet violent streams, soaking the once white of the familiar bandages. A shaky hand was raised, dripping with red ichor from his fingertips, "Hey," Dazai muttered as he choked.

Chuuya was speechless, useless, staring in horror across at the boy slumped, bleeding. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe.

"He's gone," Dazai whispered. Dazai, who had never been seen shedding a tear, spoke through floods of tears that looked almost pink against the blood that smeared his face, "Atsushi's been taken."

And maybe, after all, Chuuya was right, maybe this was a crime scene.

✰✰✰✰✰

A/N:

I'm Sorrrrrryyyyy!

PLeAse FOrGivE mE!!!!!

Listen I was in an angsty mood :(