Biting the bullet

Chuuya collapsed on his bed the moment he got home. He was exhausted, every part of him ached. He and Dazai had played basketball underneath the hot summer sun for the entire period. Chuuya lost, obviously, and now he was even more pissed off at Dazai's rash and unpredictable ego.

Chuuya groaned, this afternoon would be sappy as hell. He was too tired to occupy himself with homework, and there was no one to talk to since he was home alone. Louisa and Margaret had gone to dinner with their parents, Chuuya was technically invited but he decided not to go because as much as he loved Margaret and Louisa, he wasn't their son. And he was lucky to get put with such a nice couple in the first place, especially at his age, because most foster carers don't want teenagers, they want kids who are cute, kind, and polite. So Chuuya figured the least he could do to repay that favor was to not embarrass himself in front of the people he wished he could call his grandparents.

Chuuya rolled over, he really would have liked to be taken in by Margaret and Louisa earlier than he did, if he was, maybe he wouldn't be such a screwup.

At the sound of his stomach growling, Chuuya got up, figuring he should make some food since all that unnecessary exercise made him quite hungry.

In the kitchen, he rummaged around and pulled out a packet of ramen. As the pot boiled and steamed Chuuya leaned against the counter, tapping his fingers on the cold surface. His phone buzzed with a phone call. Chuuya blinked, it was an unknown number. He figured he might as well pick it up.

Immediately on the other side of the line, there was someone breathing hoarsely, it was painfully familiar.

"Hello?" Chuuya said slowly.

The breath on the end of the line hitched suddenly.

"Hello? Who are-"

"Chuuya," A gravelly voice shook through the line, striking needles of familiarity into the redhead, "Is that you?"

"M- Mom?" Chuuya stammered, suddenly frozen in place, "How did you get my number, how-"

"Chuuya, I need- I'm in a bad place," The woman on the other side of the line whispered desperately.

"What do you mean, Mom?" Chuuya felt his fingernail dig into his thigh, "Why are you calling me?"

"They're going to kill me, Chuuya," The woman's breath came out in shudders, it was clear she'd been crying, "I borrowed money and... They're gonna- and I can't."

Chuuya blinked tears from his eyes, he hadn't heard from his Mom in years, and now she came to him with money problems, it was quite typical for her, "Why are you calling me? You know you're not allowed to."

"Chuuya, baby" His Mom softened her voice in a pleading manner, "I just need a couple thousand dollars, I'll pay you back I swear."

Chuuya squeezed his eyes shut.

"Chuuya? Chuuya? Are you there?" The woman cried, "Please baby, Mommy's sorry, she just needs you to do this, then we can be together again."

"No," Chuuya whispered, unsure if his Mom could even hear him.

"No? Baby, you don't want them to kill your Mommy, do you!?" The woman sobbed.

"I don't," Chuuya kept his voice as steady as he could, "I just can't do this-"

"Yes, you can!" She shouted, "You should care that Mommy loves you, you should save her for everything she's sacrificed for you!"

"What sacrifices!" Chuuya cried, "What sacrifices did you make to ever keep me!"

"I gave everything away when you told me the truth! I risked my life to save you! I have always told you I'd kill for you, haven't I!?"

"But you didn't have to!" Chuuya screamed, "Shut up with your excuses about loving me! All of it was your fault, Mom, and you just made it worse!"

The woman was silent for a moment, "Is it really my fault? Or is it yours?" She said with venom, "Maybe if you hadn't acted that way towards him, then maybe I wouldn't have had to do anything, we could have been a happy family!"

Chuuya's eyes widened, he had to suppress the sudden urge to smash his phone on the floor, "I'm hanging up now."

"No! Please, baby, I'm sorry, I love you, we can work this out," The woman pleaded pathetically, "Just like old times, I promise."

"Goodbye, Mom," Chuuya whispered.

"Please! Are you just going to let your Mom die, are you-"

Chuuya didn't hear the rest of her sentence, he had already hung up.

✰✰✰✰✰

"You've got that look on your face again," Atsushi muttered as he crawled to sit on Dazai's bed.

"What look?" Dazai asked as he spun his desk chair around.

Atsushi looked out the window for a brief moment, "The one that says you're sad, but the kind of sad where you won't tell me why."

"I'm not sad," Dazai said, putting on a smile.

"Then why do you look sad," Atsushi pouted.

"Because," Dazai sat next to Atsushi on the bed, "I have been thinking a lot."

"About what?"

Dazai blinked, he couldn't tell Atsushi the truth, it wasn't a very good discussion for an 9-year-old.

"I was thinking about a girl," He said finally.

"A girl!?" Atsushi's eyes lit up with curiosity, "What about her?"

"Well..." Dazai thought for a moment, Chuuya's face flashing in his mind, "She's pretty I guess."

"And?" Atsushi questioned.

"She... Hates me," Dazai winced slightly.

"Oh," Atsushi looked disappointed, "But you don't hate her?"

"That's the thing, I don't particularly like her either, she's mean and annoying and quite rude."

"But..." Atsushi blinked, "You said she was pretty, and you looked pretty excited when you said it."

"I did?" Dazai watched his little brother nod, "Huh."

"Do you like her?" Atsushi cocked his head to the side.

"I'm not sure," Dazai leaned back, "There are these moments when I do like her, but then I'm reminded of how much of an assho- I mean dummy she is and suddenly I don't."

"Hmm," Atsushi scrunched his face in thought, "Maybe ask her what she wants, and how she feels."

Dazai smiled, "thanks, Kiddo. You're way too smart for a 3-year-old."

Atsushi gasped, "I am not 3!" He held up nine fingers, "I am 9! See!"

Dazai mocked a surprised face, "Really?! But you are so smart! The government might just take you away if they find out how smart you are!"

"What do you mean?" Atsushi laughed.

"Yeah, they're gonna perform a lobotomy on your brain!" Dazai attacked Atsushi playfully and tickled his stomach.

"No! Stop it, Dazai!!" Atsushi rolled around laughing, "Okay you win!" Atsushi shot up and darted towards the door, sticking out his tongue mockingly as he ran around the corner.

Dazai chuckled, sitting back in his bed and fiddling with the sheets.

He kept thinking about what Atsushi said, talk to Chuuya, how could he possibly do that?

His thoughts were interrupted by a text message on his phone.

Chuuya: Come over. Now.

✰✰✰✰✰

Dazai slammed his head on the steering wheel, "Idiot! Fucking idiot!" he shouted. What was he thinking? He was pulled up outside Chuuya's house, the lights from it casting a warm glow into his car.

He bit his lip, what could Chuuya possibly want from him? Maybe he wanted to work on the project. No that was stupid, he would have said so if that was the case.

Dazai hit his head lightly on the steering wheel again before biting the bullet and opening the door. It was colder now, the sun had almost completely set, leaving all but little streaks of orange across the sky, Dazai had almost wished he had brought a jacket with him. He jogged up towards Chuuya's front door, hesitating for a moment before ringing the doorbell.

Dazai heard the chime sound out through the house, but there was no reply or movement."Chuuya?" Dazai rang the doorbell again, "It's Dazai, let me in."

Dazai tapped his foot on the floor, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Fuck this," He muttered, "Chuuya, I'm coming in," He pressed his hand against the door handle, surprised when it swung out in front of him. Dazai could have kicked himself, the door was unlocked.

"Chuuya," He called out, "Where the hell are you? You texted me."

Dazai glanced around, it was oddly hot inside, and stuffy, he walked to Chuuya's room, poking his head in, "Chuuya," He whispered, but the redhead wasn't there, just the crumpled sheets of his bed and discarded school bag. Dazai sighed, leaving his room, he stood in the hallway for a moment.

He heard a whisper of his name, he followed the sound into the kitchen and was immediately taken aback by the puddle of water seeping from the other side of the kitchen aisle, stained with red that bled through the water.

"Holy shit," Dazai moved around to the other side of the aisle, his eyes meeting blue eyes that were reddened and bloodshot, and a hand that dripped slowly with blood that was as bright as the hair of the boy curled upright on the floor.

"Hi..." Chuuya whispered, blinking.

"Chuuya? Your hand, what happened?"

Chuuya raised his hand, squinting, there was a long cut across his palm, "Oh... think I hurt it."

Dazai rolled his eyes and looked beside Chuuya and saw a large pot that had tipped and fallen from the stove to the floor, spilling water across it, there was also an empty vodka bottle that had been smashed, shards of glass speckling the ground.

"You've been crying, and drinking, Chuuya, is anyone home?" Dazai knelt down, picking up the pot.

Chuuya shook his head, "My hand hurts."

Dazai stood up and grabbed the hand towel from the oven door, throwing it to the ground and letting it soak up the water, "Yeah I bet it does you idiot."

Chuuya went to stand up but he wobbled, Dazai placed a tentative hand on either one of his shoulders, "Woah, careful, are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Dazai led him towards the bathroom, sitting him down on the floor, he rummaged through the cupboards until he found a first aid kit.

"Stay still, if you feel dizzy tell me," Dazai lifted Chuuya's hand gently, "You cut it on the glass?"

Chuuya groaned, squeezing his eyes shut, "Probably."

Dazai swallowed, "On purpose?"

Chuuya shook his head, "Fell."

Dazai nodded, getting up and running a cloth under a cold tap, "Hold still," Dazai muttered as he pressed the cloth to Chuuya's wound.

"Oww!" Chuuya groaned and drunkenly swatted the brunette away.

"Stop it," Dazai scowled, "I need to clean it, do you want it to get infected?"

"It. Hurts," Chuuya mumbled trying to scoot away.

"You're drunk," Dazai stated, grabbing Chuuya's knees and spinning him around to face him, "Stop acting like an idiot." Dazai reached for Chuuya's hand, holding it and gently pressing the cloth to the cut on his palm. Chuuya winced but didn't move, only watched.

"Almost done," Dazai whispered, placing the bloodied cloth aside, pulling out a roll of bandage, and tentatively wrapping it around his hand, "You need to be careful, Chuuya, and don't drink when you're upset, especially not alone. I have no idea what happened to put you in this state but-" Dazai glanced up to see Chuuya's eyes flooding with tears that dripped down his cheeks.

"Why..." He said, "Why did you show up?"

Dazai blinked, "Because I wanted to."

"But why?! I've been nothing but an asshole to you, so why are you being... nice?" Chuuya sniffed, discreetly wiping at his eyes.

Dazai sighed, "Because nobody deserves to be left bleeding and alone in their kitchen."

Chuuya blinked, staring across the room, "I do," He chewed at his lip, "I've got it so good now, and yet all I do is fuck up."

"Don't we all," Dazai hummed and leaned back against the wall, "How much did you drink?"

Chuuya shook his head, "Not much, just enough."

Dazai picked at his fingernail, "Life sucks, but we can't go around getting drunk and hurt because we pity ourselves."

Chuuya sighed, "Then how the hell are we supposed to stay alive?"

Dazai pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, "I'm still trying to figure that out for myself."

Chuuya stared up at the bathroom lights that seemed to almost blink and pulse. He had this funny moment of Deja Vu, he remembered a younger Dazai, stricken-faced, placing a Band-Aid over the graze on his knee, "Don't cry," He had said, "Save crying for when you need it, otherwise how will you be strong enough?"

"Dazai," Chuuya whispered, "Are we bad people?"

Dazai thought about this for a moment, "Maybe."

"Were we always bad people though?"

"No," Dazai thought of Chuuya's soft freckles face that he admired in middle school, "We were just dumb kids."

"I hate you, Dazai," Chuuya muttered, "So fucking much. I wish you would go away forever, and yet there you are."

"Yes," Dazai whispered.

"And here I am."

"Yes."

"So here we are, both of us," Chuuya looked at Dazai, "Together."

"Talking..." Dazai raised his eyebrows.

"Right here in the same room," Chuuya's hand gripped at the hem of his shirt, "And I can't help but look at your face and think, 'damn, I hate him', and then yet again, I am overwhelmed with the sudden urge to kiss you."

Dazai's eyes widened, "Why?" He asked.

"Because I know," Chuuya began, "That there is a small chance that you might kiss me back."

"And if I do?" Dazai maintained eye contact, "Kiss you back, I mean."

"Then I'll keep kissing you," Chuuya's heart was beating so fast he was worried Dazai would hear it.

"And?" Dazai smirked, "Are we just going to kiss?"

Chuuya's face flushed red, "I am not going to suck you off again."

Dazai shook his head, "I wasn't expecting you to."

"Then what the hell do you want from me? Jesus fucking Christ," Chuuya stood up, wobbling slightly, "I need water." He went to the sink, cupping his hands beneath the running water and tipping it down his throat.

Dazai blinked, watching water drip from Chuuya's lips, slipping down the side of his neck, his hair too long, getting soaked in the tap water. He watched as Chuuya breathed heavily, wiping his lips and running a hand through his hair. Dazai wanted to do that, Dazai wanted to touch his hair.

Chuuya eyed Dazai's gaze, "What?" He said.

"Let me help," Dazai stood up, pulling back Chuuya's red hair away from his face, Chuuya looked up at Dazai, his face flushing, "So that it won't get in the way. Now drink."

Chuuya blinked, leaning over and going to drink from the sink. He stood up when he finished, "Thanks," He shuffled his feet on the floor, biting his lip, "Um, hey Dazai?"

"Yeah?" Dazai busied himself by packing up the first aid kit.

"Can I..." He pulled at the hem of his shirt, "Have a hug."

Dazai blinked, his face softening, "Sure." He opened up his arms, allowing Chuuya to collapse into them, wrapping his arms around the smaller.

Chuuya pressed his face to the brunette's chest, Dazai smelled nice, like honey, or vanilla. He felt dizzy, and tipsy, like the world was spinning around the two. He pressed his hands to Dazai's back, and Dazai rested his head on Chuuya's. The two stood like that for a while, sharing their warmth.

"Chuuya, I don't know what happened, or who hurt you, but you are not a terrible person," Dazai muttered, "Sure, you may be annoying and a little selfish, but you don't deserve whatever made you feel this way."

What a stupid fucking thing to say. Chuuya bit at the inside of his cheek until he could almost taste blood. What did it matter, he had already lost every other part of him.

"Dazai," Chuuya pulled away, staring up at the brunette, "Have you figured yourself the fuck out yet?"

Dazai blinked. Could he mean what he said earlier that day? Dazai thought of Atsushi; "Maybe ask her what she wants, and how she feels." Dazai stayed silent for a moment thinking things over."What do you want, Chuuya?" Dazai asked, "From me, from this."

Chuuya looked down, shame spread across his face, "I want to feel, wanted. I want to feel like I'm not a freak, and I want to feel sexy. But mainly, I just want someone who desires me, who wants to hold me. Even if they don't actually love me."

Dazai eyed Chuuya up and down, his clothes damp from the kitchen, his body small and pale. His pretty face, and blue eyes, and his bright hair. Everything about Chuuya in that moment was so vivid, yet dull at the same time, as if he were being suffocated.

Dazai smirked slightly, "I think I can manage that."

✰✰✰✰✰

A/N:

Wow that was a long chapter.

Sorry guys I've been really sick recently after going to a concert so writing has been hard, but I'm on the mend and hopefully chapters will be more frequent :)

<3