Stranger

'Who the fuck is that?' My eyes burst open as my body shifts himself up real fast. What the fuck is happening right now? Some girl with perfectly styled brown hair just stands there and points at me. She is pissed! What the fuck happened, where even am I? My arms feel oddly cold but what... I pull the blanket to my body and wrap it around me. Everything comes flashing back. The club, the drinking, kissing... o God, no!

'I-' I try to say something, I don't even know what but Niall runs in and grabs the girl by her hand. She shakes him off and walks out of there and he does the same running after her. I find myself staring at them blankly, confused.

'Leave now!' Okay so, what the actual fuck? No, I don't need this in my life. I crawl down from this big ass couch and take my clothes off the floor. The only thing that I have in my head right now is to get out of here, now! I put on my clothes and search for my phone. I take everything that belongs to me and make my way out. I walk slowly to the bedroom doors as their voices reach me slightly. They are standing there in the middle, she has her arms crossed and he is throwing his hand all around the place.

'You know the truth how I feel about you, don't make this come between that now.' Why do I always end up in the wrong places? I escape slowly through the door and get out of this fucking place without them seeing me.

The weather is hideous. I don't even have a jacket with me. I don't even recall the way from the apartment to the street. My mind shut down completely, leaving me clueless of my actions. I stand there waiting for a fucking cab to drive around here so that I can take off. My clothes are completely wet but right now I don't mind, after this rush I had, the sweet hit of realization hits me and it hurts. It hurts weirdly, I feel so stupid and most of all dirty. I want to wash everything off my body. His every touch that I can still feel on my skin as he made me burn inside, giving myself to him. It all makes me feel dirty and vulnerable. I don't even care about him or this situation, I care about the fact that every single time, things like these happen to me. I can never feel safe, my body is used to feeling endangered. I see the bus stop right in front of me, even if I don't know where the fuck I'm going, I make my way in. I stand still in the corner, between two people that look at me weirdly, I know okay! I want to disappear, to vanish from this life, this life of endless bullshit. I want to close myself up in the shower, washing away every single thought that ever came across my mind. I just want all of this to stop.

After I got to our place I rushed inside and went straight to my room. I enter the bathroom and start ripping off the clothes from yesterday. I turn on the water and let it run while I sit down on the floor of the shower, bringing my legs up close to my body and holding them tightly. I can hear her voice in my head, still shouting at me, right there in his living room. I can feel her eyes burning from the sight of me. I want to forget all of it. I want to believe that maybe once I could feel safe whenever I'm outside of my room, my safe space but I know damn well that no one ever gave me that. I feel anger most of all, I can feel my face fighting up, I want to cry, scream but the only thing that I manage is just to sit still and look blankly into my shower floor. No, this is pure anger. I don't hate him. I hate myself, for getting myself into something that I knew I couldn't handle. No, he didn't use me. I allowed him to do all these things to me. I'm the one to blame for all of this that happens to me and once again I make a fool out of myself. Maybe my mother was right, everything that happened was my fault! How do I fuck it up so easily? I thought I had everything under control but I didn't focus.

It's time to stop messing around. The only thing that will take away my time now is work. I get my shit together and stand up to finish my shower. I can't fuck up anymore, I can't let that happen.

'Hey is everything okay?' Jenny asks me as I enter the living room.

'Yeah I'm just heading off I have a wedding to attend.' I say and practically run out.

There is no time for feelings. I refuse to get them to me, I don't have time for those type of things. The only thing that I'm going to do is work. That's it! Jenny texted me that we need to talk about something when I come back, well I already know what it is. She wants to move in with Louis. I already booked a hotel for the upcoming week. I'm here seven more days and a hotel will be fine I know that she won't move out immediately but I have to get my mind straight and I don't want her to be sad just because I'm fucked up in so many ways that not even she can count.

The whole wedding went smoothly and it took my mind off from the things that happened earlier today, but the drive home was bittersweet. It reminded me of the night that I drove him home and the fact that I actually thought that things could be different this time around, oh boy was I wrong!

When I came home Jenny was already waiting for me and now its time to do the talk.

'I know, you should move in with him, I booked a hotel anyway, the wedding that I'm doing this week is too much work and the ceremony will be at that hotel so I will be engaged 24/7.' Jenny looks at me and I know that she didn't expect this. But I know her, and I know what she wants.

'I don't want you to leave, you can stay you know that right?' She sits next to me and puts her arms around me.

'I know and I love you for that.' I say and lie my head down on her lap. Even if she thinks I would be okay with staying here in her father's apartment, fuck no! The thought of him makes me sick and upset, I don't want to have anything to do with that man ever again! We agreed that I would pack my stuff tomorrow and that we need to visit each other every day for the next week. She is that one friend. That one friend that no matter what happens between you, or how distant you are, you always come to each other. Because at the end, the only person that loves you the most, in this world, is your best friend. As much as I want to tell her what happened, I decide not too. She is so happy because of Louis and I don't want to worry her with my messed up life. I will tell it to her once it all settles down, we have time.

I have fallen asleep on the couch right next to Jenny while watching Friends. The sun is soo bright that it wakes us up gradually as it becomes stronger.

Jenny left to meet with her friends and I just made myself some breakfast. I sit on the barstool and try to eat something since I haven't yesterday. I'm going through my phone as the phone from the other side rings. I didn't even know she had one of those! Shit, do people still use these? What are they even called? Home phones or some shit?

'Jenny's residence, Eleanor speaking.' I say as I sit my ass down back before my food gets too cold to eat.

'Nice hearing from you Eleanor.' His voice, his deep voice makes my heart stop, my blood turns into ice, making my whole body shiver just from hearing it. I can hear the sound of my fork falling to the floor as his voice continues. 'Don't stay for too long darling, remember-' I feel my voice becoming squeaky but I don't care!

'Don't you dare to tell me what to do, we are done! It over!' His laugh makes my mind crazy, I want to break him, shatter him into pieces, make him pay for everything, but I know damn well that I can't.

'Oh, Eleanor, naive as always. You broke some rules, meet me at Antoanet's at 6pm. I look forward to-' I hang up before his filthy mouth finishes any more sentences. I find myself throwing this fucking phone all across the apartment, almost breaking the window which makes me even angrier. I find myself struggling to breathe, to even stand up. My body shakes so much it makes me nauseous, leaving only one thing to do. I rush into the bathroom and reach the toilet before I threw up, even if there is nothing to be throwing up, the thought of him, of everything, is just too much for me. It makes me sick! I sit near the toilet as that girl's voice plays in my head over again, but now and then his fucking voice breaks her sentences, making me feel weaker by each second. I just have to get the hell out!

I packed my stuff and threw away the bottle of vine that I just finished by myself. If I'll have to see that bastard tomorrow, I'll have to be drunk until. I can't spend any more minutes thinking about it or about Niall. Why would I even think about him? God, I have to prove to myself that I'm still the same old me and the only person who can make me feel like the old fucked up version is the one that made me that way. I pull up before I can doubt my decisions once more and park my car in front of the hotel.

I step outside and my bear legs welcome the cold air that strokes them slightly as the wind starts to get stronger. It's kind of late but I don't really care. I open the doors and make my way in. I sit on the bar and order myself a gin tonic to get me started. I look over and see him at his usual spot making sure everything is fine. Everything stayed in his old place. He looks at me but I can see that he has some doubts about my recognition. Seeing him makes me feel okay. It brings me back to that time we first met. He made me go through so much. I hope he will be enough this time. I look over and can't see him anymore. Okay well, nice one. He runs away. Why did I come here in the first place? I chug down my drink and take my coat in my hand.

'Why leave so quickly' Someone says in my ear. I can feel his hot breath against my ear and down to my neck. He moves my hair to the side and sends chills all over my body just by touching me. I form a smile and point to the seat next to me.

'I already thought that you were going to leave without greeting your old friend.' He sits down next to me and orders us a drink. ' How come you paid me a visit?' He asks and may I add he looks dashing as hell! In his black pants and a white shirt. Such a Chuck classic!

'I knew you missed me but didn't have the guts to come to me first.' I say and look at him. He is everything I hate in a boy but at the same time, he is the only person I ever wanted to come to. Whatever he has done. I would always come running back to him. He forms a little smile just enough for his dimples to appear and make me go wild again. He is too good to be real. I want him to do to me all those things he wanted to before. I want him to be a man and take me. Make me feel alive. He puts his hand on my leg. He slowly strokes my leg and makes my dress go up.

'If I remember correctly you were the one who said to me to stay away.' His touch feels so good. He makes me want to take his shirt off right now and make him regret he has ever done those things to someone other than me. I take his hand and put it on his leg. I slowly make circles on his leg then gently making my way up but then stopping just at the right stop. I squeeze his thigh and come closer to him.

'Some things that got said we know weren't meant.' I say in his ear and pull away. He looks me with his furious eyes full of lust. Just like that I lighted a sparkle in him and he wants to put this fire down or he'll burn out before he knows it. I chug my drink once again and take my coat in my hand standing up from my seat.

'It was nice catching up dear.' I say and make my way out. I reach to open the doors but someone pulls me back. I turn around still caught up.

'Don't leave.' He says and leans in making us share the long lost feeling of compassion. His lips feel the same as they did before but I don't. What the fuck? One kiss made me sober up in 0.5 seconds! All this time I thought that he was the one who made me feel alive, like myself but right here, right now, kissing him made me feel like a stranger to myself. I'm drunk on a Tuesday night, running from my thoughts and burying myself even deeper by coming here! I feel ashamed and scared. He feels like a stranger even if he never was one. The stranger right now is me.

The way he touched me made me remember Niall's hands on my cheeks before he kissed me. The way he looked at me and made me feel. Why did I think I could forget that night?

After his touch, every other seems like a stranger. A year ago I prayed to God to help me forget Chuck and how much he means to me. I tried everything and now without even realising it, he erased it all with one touch. I can't find the words.

Chuch looks at me but I just put my hand in the air between us making him know that it's over. I put on my coat and get the hell out of there.