~𝟴𝟯~

(First person, Ava's perspective)

When Lee Know left a little while later, I decided that I might as well start packing. I had no idea where I was going or how I was going to get there, but I knew that I had to leave. So I started stuffing all the essentials into my duffle bag, hoping that the next person to enter my room would be Chan. 

I wanted to tell him I was leaving so that at least one person knew where I was going. I didn't want to have to say goodbye to the boys, because I knew my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. And I didn't want to have to put them through that. 

So I wanted to tell Chan. Because I knew he wouldn't tell them. And I knew that he wouldn't try to stop me. When I was almost finished packing, I heard a knock at my door. I almost wanted to send the person away, until I heard Chan's voice.

"Ava, it's me. Can I come in?" he softly asked.

I granted him access, turning around as he opened the door. I didn't bother to hide my duffle bag, seeing as I was going to tell him in any case. He smiled slightly at me before his gaze landed on the duffle bag on my bed, stuffed with clothes and other necessities. His brows drew together in confusion, but then I saw his eyes widen as realisation hit him.

"Wait, are you planning on leaving?" he asked rather loudly.

I cringed, hoping the other members didn't hear. I quickly moved past him and closed the door, putting my finger to my lips to tell him to be quiet.

"So, you're leaving?"

When I didn't answer I heard him sigh.

"I guess I should have seen it coming. Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

"When are you leaving?"

"As soon as possible."

I saw his face fall as he heard my answer, and a tear slipped over his cheek. I reached out to him, but he swiped the tear away, and I took it as a sign that I shouldn't touch him.

"Do you plan on telling the members?" he asked, his voice rough with emotion.

"No. I don't think I'll be able to handle that."

He sniffed, lifting his gaze to look me in the eye.

"Why are you telling me this, and not Lee Know?"

"I knew you wouldn't try to stop me. Besides... I'm doing this for him."

"This will break him. You know that, right?"

"I do. But I also know that if he sees me flinch away from him again, it'll kill him. And I can't have that. He has his whole life ahead of him. I don't want to ruin it because I couldn't get a hold of myself."

Chan looked like he wanted to argue, but he stayed silent. After a long stretch of quiet breathing and tension, he spoke again.

"I know of a place where you can get help. A place that the others don't know about. A place where you can fully heal before coming back."

I felt like a piece of me was ripped away at his words. I dreaded having to tell him what was floating around in my mind, but he deserved to know. And when he thought the time was right, the members deserved to know too. So I took a deep breath, forcing the lump in my throat down.

"Chan I... I don't know if I'm ever coming back."

It took all the strength and self-control not to let my tears fall in that moment. I forced the lump in my throat down because I knew if I started crying, I wouldn't stop. But when I looked up and made eye contact with Chan, all that self-control fell away. He looked like his heart just got shattered. And I knew if his reaction was that bad, Lee Know's reaction would be ten times worse.

"Please don't hate me for this, Chan. I just need to distance myself. For Lee Know. For all of you. I'll only cause more pain the longer I stay. So I have to go."

He didn't say a word, just staring at me with tears in his eyes. I broke my gaze away from his, brushing past him to finish packing. I had to distract myself, otherwise I would break. I had just put my hand on the edge of my duffle bag when Chan took hold of my wrist, turning me to face him. 

Tears were streaming down his face, making his pearly skin sparkle in the late morning sun. However, he didn't look sad. In fact, he had a smile on his face, albeit a heartbroken one. He seemed to have accepted me leaving. He knew that there was no changing my mind.

"Ava, I could never hate you. And even though I wish there was a way for you to stay, I know that it'll be selfish of me to force you to stay. So I'll help you. I can arrange transport, or I can go drop you off. Anything you want."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but why are you doing this?"

"Because I can't just let you go off on your own without helping you. Not after everything you've done for us. So if you need anything, just tell me and I'll do my best to help you."

I couldn't fight my tears any longer, the first wet tracks forming on my cheeks. I pulled Chan into a hug, holding him as tight as I could muster. He held onto me just as tight, and in no time, we were both crying.

"I'm going to miss you guys. So, so much," I said through tears.

"And we'll miss you even more."

Suddenly, Chan pulled out of the hug, grabbing my shoulders. Even though his cheeks were wet and his eyes were teary, his gaze was determined. Like that of a brother who was lecturing his baby sister.

"Please, promise me you'll stay safe. Promise me."

"I promise."

As those two words left my mouth, I saw a small smile pull at the corners of Chan's lips. He gently brushed the leftover tears off my cheeks before hugging me again. And as I held onto him with all the strength I had, I hoped that somehow the others would be able to forgive me. And I hoped that Lee Know would be able to understand why I was ripping both his and my own heart to shreds.

...

That night, I stayed up late packing and repacking my bag while trying to avoid the inevitable. Chan said that once he was sure everyone was fully asleep; he would come to me and take me to the trauma counselling centre that I planned on staying at. But I doubted we would be able to leave. 

Because the whole time I was nervously pacing my room, waiting for Chan, I heard soft cries from the room next to mine, and I knew for a fact that it was Lee Know and that he probably wasn't going to fall asleep for at least a few more hours, at which time the others would probably start waking up and hear me trying to leave. 

I eventually started losing hope that Chan would come and sat on my bed fiddling with my fingers to distract myself. I started contemplating whether I should just leave on my own. But I knew Chan would probably come after me if I did. He insisted that he help me leave, and I knew he would follow through on that promise, even if it took a week.

Secretly I was grateful that Chan insisted on helping me. It meant that I wouldn't have to struggle on my own to find a place to stay. And it also meant that someone was there with me to support me. 

I knew he was probably feeling torn between wanting me to stay and honouring my decision, but I hoped he could forgive me for making him feel that way. I had to admit having him with me through the process of leaving made me feel just slightly safer and more confident.

...

I woke up to someone gently touching my shoulder. I turned onto my side and could just barely make out a blurry figure standing next to my bed. My brain completely left me, and my body took over, making me jump into fight mode and curl away from the figure.

"Hey, it's okay Ava. It's just me, Chan."

The soft tone and gentle words slowly crept into my mind, making me see reason. My vision started clearing up as well. There stood Chan, with his ginger hair and soft smile.

"Sorry, I just got a fright. I must have fallen asleep," I said softly, rubbing my eyes and yawning.

"Sorry for taking so long. Lee Know wouldn't fall asleep. I was afraid he might hear us, so I waited for him to tire himself out."

"I heard him crying earlier... do you think..."

"Do I think... he'll be okay? Probably. He just needs some time. Actually a lot of time. But he'll bounce back."

"That's not what I wanted to ask..."

Chan seemed slightly confused, but listened intently, nonetheless.

"Do you think he'll ever be able to forgive me? For leaving?"

Chan seemed to think before answering, his brows drawing together as he thought.

"I think so. But if he doesn't, then maybe you two weren't meant for each other. Because the way I see it, if you love someone, you'll love them regardless of their trauma and how they deal with it, unless the way they deal with it isn't healthy. And he loves you. So I'm sure once he realises your reason for doing this, he'll understand."

Chan's answer wasn't particularly soothing to hear, but it made me feel slightly better to know that he could see Lee Know loved me and that his confession wasn't just empty words said in a time of stress. I felt Chan gently take my hand, making me look up at him.

"Now come on. If we want to get out of here before the rest hear us, we should get going."

I quickly grabbed my duffle bag and followed Chan out of my bedroom, stopping in the hallway. I looked back towards the room Lee Know was sleeping in. I was about to walk towards the door - for what reason I didn't know - when I caught sight of the splintered wood in my doorframe. I felt a flashback creep its way up my spine, so I turned around and sped down the stairs, pushing the flashback down as I went. 

We got to the front door, but as Chan unlocked it, I heard something from upstairs. The both of us froze, listening for any sign of someone being awake. When we stood there for what felt like hours with no new noises heard, we quickly went out the door, heading towards one of the cars. I put my duffle bag on the back seat and was about to open the passenger door when I hesitated. I looked back over my shoulder at the dorms. Tears started blurring my vision, but I just smiled sadly and let them fall.

"Please forgive me," I whispered before getting in the car and closing the door.

I was wiping the tears off my cheeks when Chan took hold of my wrist. I looked over at him and saw a sad smile on his lips.

"Don't worry about them. I'll make sure they understand. You just focus on healing, okay? Let me handle the rest."

I felt fresh tears welling up in my eyes as I leaned over and hugged Chan.

"Ava, if you start crying, I'll start crying as well. And then I won't be able to stop."

I pulled out of the hug, wiping the tears off my cheeks. Then I looked over at Chan again, giving him the biggest smile I could muster. Then we were off. And as we drove down the driveway away from the dorms, I looked over my shoulder at the place that had become my home. 

I wished with all my heart that I could someday return and see the members again. The eight boys I had learned to love. The seven boys who had become like my own brothers; and the man who had my heart and who I trusted with my life. The man who was the reason for me leaving but was also the reason for the indescribable ache in my chest.

I stared out the back window long after the dorms had disappeared from view, and my chest ached. A single tear slipped over my cheek as I whispered the words:

I'll miss you.

---------------

A/N

heyy guys ;)

i'm both immensely proud and extremely sad to announce that this is officially the last chapter of this book. i know, it's been a long journey with a lot of ups and downs and i am so glad to have had you all along for the ride! however, before we get too depresso, i will be posting another author's note after this chapter just to thank everyone properly and to finally tell you all the surprise i have been keeping a secret all this time... :P

i hope you guys enjoyed this last chapter and i'll see you all in the author's note <3