~𝟰𝟭~

At dinner, I barely ate anything, mostly just pushing the food around on the plate. The conversations taking place around me became mere background noise, drowned out by the replay of my fight with Lee Know spinning in my head. I jumped when I felt someone take my hand that rested on the table. Luckily it was just Chan.

"Can I talk to you after dinner?" he asked softly so as to not arouse suspicion. I nodded.

"If you're not hungry, you can go. I'll wash up."

I shook my head, assuring him I would follow through on my nightly chore.

After dinner, Chan and I were the last ones to get up from the table, and the last ones to finish washing up. When the rest of the boys were either busy in the living room, or getting ready for bed, I followed Chan upstairs. Instead of going into my room like I expected, he took me to the operations room. I followed him inside with confusion on my face.

"You must be wondering why I brought you here."

I nodded.

"Well, after we got back from the mission, Commander Della Valle got someone to come interrogate your commander. I taped the interrogation and it brought up some interesting information."

The screen on the wall turned on, and showed a man sitting at the metal table, my commander across from him.

"Why did you do it? Why go after Agent Noyes if you knew she had a team that could easily take you down?" the man asked. My commander scoffed.

"I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to push her to the edge and watch as she broke. I wanted to see her begging for mercy. Like the little-"

The screen suddenly went black.

"No, wait. Bring it back, I want to hear what he says," I said, turning to Chan. He just shook his head.

"With what happened today, I don't think you have the stability to hear what he called you. I could barely keep from breaking my laptop screen when I heard what he said."

I frowned, partly from not knowing what he said. Partly because what he said didn't make sense. It wasn't like him to insult people or watch as they broke. He would rather do things quickly, getting it over with. The only person who I knew was like that was...

"Ava?" I heard Chan say, pulling me back to reality.

"Sorry. Zoned out on you, didn't I?"

"Yeah. I just asked if you were okay. I... kind of..."

"You heard the fight, didn't you?"

I lowered my head when he nodded. I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, trying to shake the guilt that was crawling back into my mind.

"He was being an idiot. I'll talk to him about it."

"No, it's okay. I think it's better if I fix it myself."

He looked at me sceptically before nodding. Just before I turned to the door, he took both my hands, rubbing over them with his thumbs.

"If you need to talk, or just want to sit in silence, I'm here for you."

I smiled.

"I know."

"I know you know. I just don't say it enough. So I'm saying it again."

My smile grew even wider, and I went up to him and wrapped him in a hug. Just then, the door to the operations room opened, only to slam shut a second later, making me jump. I didn't see who it was since my back was turned to the door, but I had a hunch of who it was. And my suspicions were confirmed when I saw the look on Chan's face.

"It was Lee Know, wasn't it?" I asked. He didn't answer, but I knew I was right when he dropped his gaze.

...

The next day I stayed in my room, only coming out to go eat. I had just finished showering and getting dressed when Chan called us from downstairs for dinner. As I walked towards the stairs, Hyunjin joined me, making me stop. I looked up at him curiously, his cautious gaze meeting mine.

"Are... Are you okay? After..."

His gaze turned to concern when I didn't answer. I dropped my eyes, and saw him reach his hand towards mine, only to hesitated and pull away.

"I'm okay. Or as okay as I can be when I just ruined my relationship with one of the only people I still trust."

When he reached out to me again, he didn't pull away, gently placing a hand on my shoulder. When I didn't meet his eyes, he whispered my name, so softly I wasn't sure I heard it. I lifted my head, eyes meeting his.

"You haven't ruined anything. I promise you that. I know you feel guilty, but I'm one-hundred percent sure he feels the same. He cares. More than you'll ever know. We all do."

He gently folded me into a hug, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I pulled away when I heard someone calling his name, looking back to find Han leaning against his doorframe. Hyunjin moved towards him as he took a tentative step away from the doorframe. I watched his face, searching for any sigh of pain. There was nothing.

"Han, you're walking!" I exclaimed as he took another step.

He smiled brightly, taking a few more slow steps to get to me. I gently wrapped my arms around his shoulders, softly hugging him.

"Are you feeling okay? Is there any pain or discomfort?"

"None whatsoever. I feel great."

I stayed near him as he walked further down the hall, slowing down when we got to the stairs. He took hold of the railing, taking the first step. I kept my gaze on his movements, making sure to stay close enough to be able to steady him. He made it to the bottom floor with very little mishaps, only wincing when he twisted his body the wrong way once. When the boys noticed him, they all flocked closer, patting him on the back and congratulating him. Even Chan came out of the kitchen to give him a pep talk. 

I noticed Lee Know had come closer as well, but as soon as his eyes met mine, he moved away again, going back to Geneviève who had ironically made herself at home on the chair I always sat at. He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she took it in hers, interlacing their fingers. I bit my lip and dropped my gaze, backing away from the group. Chan noticed, asking what was wrong.

"I lost my appetite," I simply stated, moving up the stairs before he could ask more questions.

...

The rest of the week mostly consisted of me sneaking into the kitchen every so often to grab snacks before returning to my room to sit and wallow in guilt. I tried getting myself out of it, but every time I managed to get my thoughts together again, the fight would replay in my head. 

The boys regularly came to keep me company, though; especially Han, seeing as he could walk wherever he wanted to. He managed to make me smile whenever he came into my room, somehow dragging me out of my rather gloomy thoughts. I was feeling relatively okay, until the day Geneviève left.

We all gathered in the living room, me included. I stayed near Hyunjin, not wanting to be anywhere near Geneviève or Lee Know. He seemed to understand. We all said our goodbyes to her, watching as she drove away with the agents who would escort her to witness protection. 

As the car disappeared from view, I finally felt like I could be out in the open again. I took a seat on the couch, tilting my head back and letting out a sigh. I snapped my head up when I heard someone speak above me.

"You must be happy," Lee Know said, hands in his pockets as he stood over me with an unamused face.

"What do you mean?" I asked, sitting upright.

"Geneviève is gone. You probably feel bad now."

"Feel bad for what? I was trying to protect you."

He rolled his eyes and started walking away from me when I grabbed his wrist. He glared at my hand clasped around his wrist, then moved his eyes up to my face.

"Can't we just talk this out? Please?"

He pulled loose from my grip and turned to me, cocking his head up and lifting his eyebrow. I sighed.

"I know I didn't handle the situation correctly. I know I should have been a bit nicer about it. But I'm not the only one who overreacted."

"What do you mean? I was protecting her from you."

"You seriously think I would have hurt her?"

"I don't know. I mean, I never thought you would be jealous, so I guess I don't really know what you're capable of."

"Are you serious? Do you think I am capable of that?"

"I don't know. Maybe that's what you aren't telling us. That in your past you spent all your time killing people. We won't know, now will we? It's not like you're going to tell us anytime soon."

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to calm my voice.

"You don't know anything."

I turned to walk away from him, but he grabbed my shoulder and turned me back. My body responded before my brain could process what was happening. I pulled away from him, the force from pulling away making me stumble back. The back of my leg hit the corner of the coffee table, sending me tumbling onto the carpet. My logic told me that he didn't mean to hurt me, but in that moment, all I felt was fear. I was frozen. 

When he saw my fearful gaze and quivering lip, he reached out his hand to help me up, startling me in the process. I flinched and curled away from him, pulling my arm up to block my face. When nothing happened, I peeked over my arm to see him looking at me, a horrified look crossing his face and settling in his eyes. I quickly got up and ran to the front door.

I flung it open and almost fell with the speed I was running down the steps with. I ignored the calls some of the members sent my way from the kitchen. I kept running, stumbling on the long grass a few times. I ran into the treeline, still not slowing down. I kept running until my chest was heaving and my throat felt raw. I slowed down, leaning against a tree. 

I put my back to the rough bark, sliding down until I sat with my knees curled up between the bushes and long grass. My legs were screaming from the sudden running and even quicker stop. But I couldn't even comprehend it. My brain kept replaying every memory from three years ago, so loud and fresh, it felt like it had just happened. I could feel the burn on my skin from his hands. I could hear my screams clear as day. Everything felt so real.

I started crying. My body shook from the sheer force of the sobs ripped from my throat. My hands clasping tighter and tighter around my legs with every passing second. It felt like my sobs echoed everywhere around me, so loud I thought the boys could hear me. I clasped a hand over my mouth, trying desperately to quiet down. Whimpers and whispered sobs slipped past my fingers. Tears were still spilling over my cheeks like falling rain. 

I stayed there, leaning against the tree until it got dark. When I saw the moon rise above me, I knew I would have to go back to the dorms. But I didn't want to. I wanted to stay there, away from everything and everyone. Away from the demons. Away from the hurt and fear and distrust. I closed my eyes, finally managing to stop the tears that kept rolling over my cheeks. I tried steadying my breathing. I kept thinking in, out, in, out. Until my thoughts scattered when I heard a sound.

My eyes flew open. It sounded like a twig that snapped. I saw a light flash past from behind a tree a few meters away from me. I curled in on myself further, trying to hide myself behind the bushes and grass. The light flashed dangerously close to where I was, making me flinch. The light stopped moving for a second before starting to slowly move closer and closer to where I was hiding. I started trembling uncontrollably. I saw the light catch my hand in its beam before hearing a voice call from a bit away. It sounded like-

"Changbin, I found her!" I heard Felix call, seeing a dark form move toward me.

I crept further into the shadows, but I knew it was futile. They knew where I was. I saw him scan over the bush again, the light shining through the gaps in between the twigs, blinding me temporarily. I heard his footsteps slow as he got closer, before hearing them stop right in front of me. He bent down on his haunches; face overcast with worry. He reached a hand out towards me, but I flinched away, staring at it with fear in my eyes. He retracted his hand, instead tilting his head to see me better.

"It's okay now, Ava. You're safe."

"No, I'm not," I said as softly as I could, but I knew from the look on his face he heard me. I saw Changbin come up behind him, leaning down as well.

"We've been looking everywhere for you," he said. I hung my head.

"Come on, let's get you inside. You'll freeze to death out here."

And for the first time I noticed how cold it had gotten. My limbs were shivering. Felix reached out his hand again, slower this time. I still involuntarily shrunk away from it, before hesitantly reaching out my hand to take his. His skin was warm against mine.

"Gosh, you're freezing," he said, slowly pulling me to my feet. My legs were asleep, so when I took a step, I almost collapsed. Luckily he managed to catch me, Changbin moving to my other side to help stabilise me.

"Just take it slow. There's no rush," Changbin said, slipping one of my arms around his shoulders.

They slowly started walking, my numb legs not co-operating to keep their pace. Slowly, my feeling came back bit by bit as they carried me, making it easier for me to walk until I was walking on my own; them staying at my sides but not carrying me anymore. As we stepped out of the treeline, I caught sight of the rest of the boys, their faces illuminated by the full moon above us. When they saw me, they all came running, making my flinch away. My heel caught on a tree root, making me stumble back. Luckily, Felix and Changbin were there to catch me.

"Slow down, guys. Let's get her inside first," I heard Chan say, moving through the rest of the boys to stand right in front of me.

He gave me a smile, even though his eyes were overcast with worry. His bangs were dishevelled, like he had been pulling on them. He looked stressed out of his mind, and exhausted. I felt so bad for him. Then something behind him caught my eye. Far behind the rest of the boys, Lee Know stood, head hung low. And an even bigger wave of guilt washed over me.

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A/N

hey guys :) wow, another emotional chapter. before i posted this i was kinda worried you guys would be mad about the sudden depressed mood. i just want to say, i put it in for a reason and it is unfortunately a necessary part of the plot. so please bare with me :P

as always, please let me know if you guys notice any errors and feel free to leave a comment. it is greatly appreciated. also, if you guys want to dm me, i made an instagram account just for my wattpad stuff. i haven't posted anything on there yet, but you guys are welcome to follow me if you want @leeknowurplace . see you guys again next chapter :)