8

billie "you're not even listening!" azalea shouted at me. "it's like you don't care about this relationship"

i just blinked at her because i was tired.

it's literally one in the fucking morning

"i'm always trying to do something with you but you just blow me off!" she scoffed and shook her head at me. "are you seeing somebody else? is that why?"

i leaned my head back and let out a sigh while i closed my eyes.

"what are you gonna do? you gonna cry?" azalea grabbed my face and made me look at her.

"don't touch me" i mumbled while taking her hand off of me.

"no you always pull this kind of shit!" she pointed at me. "okay, the second things get a little bit off you're ready to fucking run!"

"i cant do this anymore" i shook my head at her.

"okay? you're just being crazy" azalea scoffed. "do you understand how crazy you sound right now?"

"i sound crazy?" i bitterly chuckled. "i'm the one who sounds crazy?"

"like if i were to record this conversation and play it to other people" she sent me a look.

"you make me feel like shit all the time" i mumbled.

"how the hell do i make you feel like shit?" she scoffed. "all this is happening is because of you! you're just a little fucking bitch"

"oh my god" i groaned while rubbing the sides of my neck.

"see! you're not even listening to me" azalea shook her head. "you never listen to me! i'm tired of you"

i just let out a loud laugh when she said that.

"why are you laughing?" zay sent me a look. "what's so funny?"

"you remind me everyday i'm not enough" i said while wiping tears that have fallen down my eyes. "but i still stay"

"i literally tell you i love you" her facial expression softened. "you know i love you"

"really" i scoffed. "do you really?"

"you know i love you" azalea cupped my cheeks and wiped away a tear with her thumb. "do you love me still?"

i looked away from her.

"billie" she let out a small weird awkward laugh. "do you still love me?"

i finally looked at her again and slowly nodded my head.

"nobody loves you as deeply as i do" azalea told me softly. "you make me so crazy"

"i love you too" i whispered faintly.

"we have good times right?" she said. "we fight all the time but we have good times"

"yeah i guess" i mumbled while leaning my forehead onto her shoulder.

i let out a shaky sigh when she wrapped her arms around my body and held me close to her. "stop being so mean to me" i whispered while i nuzzled my face into her neck.

"i'm sorry" azalea told me.

she doesn't sound sorry

"it's okay" i say faintly. "just stop please... i hate it"

"i love you, i'm sorry" she told me again as she kissed the side of my head. "don't get me upset then"

"what do you mean?" i pulled away and looked at her with my eyebrows furrowed together. "i don't do anything to get you mad?"

"you do many things billie" zay sent me a look. "many things that get me upset, and that's why i'm so 'mean' to you"

"i literally haven't done anything but try to do something other than fuck but you always manipulate me into doing it"

don't you love coercion? (i'm being sarcastic)

"i manipulate you?" azalea scoffed while pointing at herself. "me? manipulate??"

"yes!" i exclaimed. "you always do!"

"i don't do nothing but try to love you" she laughed bitterly. "it's you who's always causing fights between us and making me feel like shit because i end up saying stuff to you"

"what have i done?" i rolled my eyes at her. "what have i fucking done to make you do something?"

"i cheated on you" azalea told me.

tell me i've been lied to

"what? that's not true- what?" i felt my heart drop and tears prick at my eyes. "you cheated on me?"

"yeah cause of you" she shrugged. "you make me feel bad cause you don't wanna do anything so i just went with someone else"

"get the fuck out of my house" i spat at her while i got up and pulled her up by her shirt.

"billie" azalea shook her head at me. "it was just a one time thing!"

"get out of my house" i told her again. "i don't want a partner who fucking cheats and makes me feel like shit all the time"

"and i dont want a partner who doesn't understand that mistakes happen" zay said while walking up to me. "i just want someone so we can learn and grow together, but it seems like i'm the only one committed to this relationship"

"how can you even say that?" i shouted at her. "you cheated on me!"

"okay this is your fault!" she got all up in face. "you're never there for me! you're never around!"

"because all you do is make me feel fucking worthless!" i scoffed.

"i needed you and you weren't there" azalea said while shoving her finger in the middle of my chest. "and they were there for me"

"i'm sorry" i sighed while wiping a tear away from my face. "i didn't realize you were feeling that way"

"it was actually kind of beautiful so i don't even know why you're upset" she told me.

"because you cheated on me!" i made a face. "you fucking cheated on me!"

"yeah but it wasn't me" zay said in a softer tone. "i was feeling low, but you wouldn't know cause you never listen to me and you're never there!"

"i always listen to you!" i scoffed while feeling myself tic. "i always let you do whatever the fuck you want! i always let you take advantage of me! i always fucking let you do shit to me!"

"listen this is the last time-"

"no!" i cut her off. "shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up azalea! i cant do this anymore, i cant be with you. i'm so fucking done! i didn't even mean to say i love you!"

"do you not think i'm worth it?" azalea asked me.

"fuck no!" i laughed while shoving her out of my room. "you're not worth it anymore. i should've left a long time ago. get the fuck out of my house and never talk to me again, we're done"

"billie-" azalea cried when i dragged her by her shirt. "stop you're hurting me!"

i opened the front door and roughly shoved her out.

i walked back to my room and saw finneas standing in his doorway with a concerned look on his face.

i let out a sigh and ran up to him.

he engulfed me in a tight hug and held me while i cried and ticked in his arms.

"i thought that i was special at first" i sniffled while i wiped my tears on his shirt. "but then she made me feel like it was my fault she was the devil"

"you're okay bil" finneas reassured me as he rubbed my back soothingly.

"she ruined me in a fucking year" my voice cracked. "i'm never falling in love again. i'm never gonna fall in love again. i'm so done"

he just squeezed my body tight as he held me.

"i fucking hate her!" i cried while clutching onto his shirt.

"at least you're not with her" he softly told me. "you don't have to worry about her now"

"what time is it?" i sniffled as i looked up at fin.

"it's 2:25" finneas said while checking his phone. "why was she here so late anyway?"

"just to make me feel like shit" i mumbled into his chest. "i don't know..."

"are you okay?" he asked me softly while stroking my hair. "she was gaslighting the hell out of you"

"she cheated on me" i said in a dead tone. "i know i have but she cheated on me... probably for a long time too"

"i'm sorry bil" finneas kissed the top of my head. "you don't deserve someone like her, she's a bitch"

"i'm never falling in love again" i said while burying my face into his chest. "i'm never dating anyone ever again"

finneas just comforted and held me for a few more minutes. it was almost three in the morning so i went back to my room.

i feel empty now.

i put a lot of time into that bitch. so much of my fucking time, my fucking love, i put so much into that fucking relationship!

i let her meet my family, my dog, i told her about really personal things like my depression and tics, and she broke me.

a whole fucking year with the devil herself.

i grabbed my phone from my bed and checked it. i saw a bunch of messages from azalea and decided to open them.

zay: if your seriously gonna break up with mei'm gonna kill my self billie it's gonna be your fault

me: kys bitch

i blocked her contact and every single account she has/followed me on. i swear i'm so done with love. this is what i fucking get for finally letting someone in!

plus i said that cause she won't do shit.

all that bitch does is manipulate me and i'm tired of it.

i'm so tired

i changed into a new shirt because the one i had on earlier was wet from my tears and probably had some snot on it.

as i was about to finally go to sleep, i hear my phone ding.

i swear i blocked the bitch on everything

i picked up my phone from my nightstand and saw that raelyn texted me.

mckay: eilish r u up rn ?

me: i am why

mckay: what are you doing

i could say 'i just got done bawling my eyes out wbu' but i decided not to.

me: nothing

mckay: you're being dry :(are you okay?

me: i'm perfecting fine mckay :)

mckay: BAHAHAno ur not 😐

me: what makes you think i'm not 🤨

mckay: idki just feel like somethings wrong do u wanna go to waffle house

me: ur so random

mckay: yes or no pirate

me: it is three in the morning 😐

mckay: yes or no waffle house 🙄

me: sure ig 🙄

mckay: send me your address

me: 18376 up your ass av.

mckay: so funny 😫😫🤣🤣🤪🙏send me ur damn address 😐

i sent raelyn my address and waited for her to get here. i'm fucking exhausted but i tried my best not to fall asleep.

after twelve minutes or so, i saw that raelyn texted me she was outside. i got out of bed and made my way outside.

finneas was already asleep so i made sure i was super quiet when i left.

i checked in the mirror to make sure it didn't look like i was just crying.

fuck

i went out and saw raelyns tesla by the sidewalk. i walked up to the door and she pulled the same shit i did the first time i picked her up.

"open the door mckay" i tugged on the door handle.

she finally unlocked it but when i reached for the handle again she moved the car forward a bit.

"raelyn" i chuckled while i sent her a look.

she nodded her head as she laughed at me. i finally got inside the car and looked at her because immediately stopped laughing.

"what?" i made a face.

raelyn leaned closer to examine my face and frowned, "you've been crying" she told me. "are you okay?"

"i'm fine" i gave her a smile. "come on, let's go to waffle house"

she let out a small huff and began driving down the street. the ride to the restaurant was awfully quiet. it wasn't awkward though, i liked that it was quiet.

raelyn pulled into an empty parking lot and parked. she looked over at me and gave me a small smile before she opened the door.

i did the same and walked up next to her.

she opened the door for me and we sat down at a table. raelyn sat in front of me and rested her arms on the table.

an old black woman walked up to the opening at our table, "here are your menus babies" she told us while placing it in front of us. "i'll be back soon"

raelyn looked at the menu and placed it down. she grabbed mine and put it on top of hers. we haven't said a word to each other since we left my street.

"why were you crying?" she asked me quietly. "you don't look okay billie"

i let out a sigh and opened my mouth but closed it when the lady came back.

"what can i get for you two this night?" she asked us sweetly.

"chocolate chip waffles for the both of us with a side of bacon please" raelyn smiled at her while handing her the menus.

"is that all love?" she asked and raelyn nodded. "i'll be right back with your food"

the lady began shouting for the chef which caused me and rae to giggle.

"what were you gonna say?" raelyn asked me.

i let out another sigh while shifting in my seat so my legs were sticking out of the booth. raelyn poked my hand and rested her chin on the table.

"azalea" i rolled my eyes as i shook my head at the same time. "we got into a fight"

"and you were crying?" raelyn raised a brow up while she played with my pinky finger. "because of the fight you two had?"

"she was saying mean shit" i sighed. "basically gaslighting me the whole time and making it seem like it was my fault that we were"

"i'm sorry" rae frowned at me. "i-"

the lady came back and placed our food on the table. "enjoy" she told us with a smile and walked away.

the waffles smelled hella good honestly.

raelyn handed me the syrup and i grabbed it from her. i poured it on top of my waffles and handed it back.

"she was telling me how i never listen to her" i told rae as i cut into my waffle with a knife and stuck a piece into my mouth. "and how everything's my fault"

raelyn just frowned and continued eating.

"after all the mean shit azalea said, she told me she cheated" i sighed while sticking another piece of waffle into my mouth. "these are fucking good though"

"yeah they are" she giggled. "as you were saying?"

"she told me she cheated and i just got mad" i chuckled while rolling my eyes. "i kicked her out and blocked her on everything even after she told me she was gonna 'kill herself' if i break up with her"

"did you?" raelyn asked with a mouthful of chocolate chip waffle.

"of course i did" i chuckled. "i told her to do it because i know she won't. she's too much of a pussy"

"i'm sorry bil" rae told me while she grabbed my hand. "you don't deserve any of that"

"i don't know dude" i shrugged while sighing. "bitch ruined me in a fucking year"

"you stuck with her for a year?" raelyn asked me with her brows raised up from shock. "a year of all that?"

"yup" i chuckled while eating another piece of my waffle. "we were okay at first but i don't know what the hell happened. one day she just started being toxic and never stopped"

"did you love her?" rae asked me.

i flicked my eyes to her and back down to my waffles.

"uhh" i sighed deeply. "i did, but this is what i get for finally letting someone in... my first love being the worst, can you believe that?"

raelyn just stared at me and frowned. "i wish i can say more than im sorry" she told me.

"you're okay" i smiled at her. "i'm never gonna fall in love again.... i'm never gonna let someone in again. i'm not gonna fall in love with someone again... fuck love dude"

"i feel you" raelyn let out a small chuckle. "fuck love"

"yeah" i giggled. "fuck that shit"

raelyn looked up at me and we both shared a smile.

"is your eyebrow always like that?" she changed the subject while trying to fix my brow with her thumb.

"yeah it is" i chuckled quietly. "that won't fix anything"

"shush!" she giggled at me. "it's working!"

she stopped trying to fix my eyebrow and stared at it with a 'omg i did it' face.

"aw fuck" she pouted. "it didn't work. it went right back to how it was"

"i'm telling you" i giggled while shaking my head at her. "it had a mind of its own"

i have a weird feeling about this